10 MP3 Audio clips from Morons from Outer Space (1985)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

In the UK in the 1980s, had a spacecraft crash-landed on a major arterial motorway, this is exactly the kind of blasé radio communication I would have expected to hear.

[A Rover SD1 police traffic car screeches to a halt on a bridge and the Sergeant surveys the carnage. He reaches into the vehicle and speaks into its mainset microphone]

Sergeant

Uh... 'ello, love. Just reporting a bit of congestion between exits eight and... say... twenty-three. Uh... looks like a spaceship of some description, over.

Constable

Shall I put the cones out, Sarge?

Sergeant

Yeah... you might as well.

Clip 2

And if you thought the reaction of the police to an extra-terrestrial invasion was blasé, you should hear how Commander Matteson reacts. Like it's all nothing. Just another day at the office.

[A formal dinner is taking place at Downing Street and the PRIME MINISTER is in full-flow when he is interrupted by a LACKEY carrying a ringing red telephone]

Prime Minister

And the government has no intention at this stage to change immigration laws. Not only would we consider it to be totally -

Lackey

The red phone, Minister.

Prime Minister

Ah!

[Laughs akwardly]

Excuse me.

[Speaking into the telephone]

Yes? Oh.

[Addressing the diners]

Is there a Commander Matteson here?

Commander Matteson

Yes.

Prime Minister

Oh. It's for you.

Commander Matteson

Oh?

[The LACKEY carries the telephone to the end of the table where COMMANDER MATTESON is slurping his soup. MATTESON speaks into it]

Commander Matteson

Oh, hello. No. No. Not very. Aliens? What do you mean Aliens? What do you mean from another planet? Yes, it's a tricky one, isn't it? Mmm. Well, if they're still alive, don't let them out of their flying saucer... we don't want a lot of little green men terrorising the Home Counties during Ascot week do we? Hmm? Yes, all right. Full emergency.

Clip 3

Stanley Benson is the kind of no-nonsense TV editor who grabs headlines by the balls. He wants the scoop. He wants it first and he wants it fresh. It's time to rally his team.

Stanley

All right, you lot... let's make television.

[As BENSON is leaving the room, a book flies in from off-camera, striking him in the head. This is followed by a topless and incandescent COMMISSIONAIRE]

Commissionaire

Your time has come, you smug bastard! The aliens are here and we're all gonna die!

Clip 4

Meanwhile, inside the crashed spacecraft, Julian is carrying out a little triage and damage assessment. His first priority is Sandra who is lying prone on the floor.

Julian

You... you all right, Sand?

Sandra

Oh... Jules.

Julian

What... what is it?

Sandra

It's my leg.

Julian

What's wrong with it?

Sandra

You're standing on it.

Julian

Oh.

Clip 5

Bernard has been rescued by the space equivalent of a breakdown service. The driver is apparently a rotting corpse but that doesn't stop him from stroking the inside of Bernard's thigh suggestively.

Alien

Are you male... or female?

Bernard

Pardon?

Alien

Are you the male of the species or... the female?

Bernard

Um, uh... uh... male. Male. Male. Uh... I'm a man. I'm a man. Uh, definitely... a human man. Um, part of mankind but very definitely the... the male part. Or parts.

Alien

Oh, sh*t!

[With a single tug of a cord hanging from the cockpit ceiling, the ALIEN ejects BERNARD downwards into deep space]

Clip 6

Whilst Professor Trousseau inexplicably plays a Wurlitzer organ in the hangar, inside the spacecraft, Desmond and Sandra are enjoying a little time together. If you catch my drift.

Sandra

Des? Des... I can hear music.

Julian

So can I, Sand.

Desmond

I thought you were asleep, you dirty little git.

Sandra

Oh, don't stop, Des.

Clip 7

It's time to interrogate the extra-terrestrial visitors. One at a time. In a large room guarded by military personnel. What secrets of the cosmos will the board glean? What amazing discoveries await?

Desmond

This should interest you lot. This...

[He pulls a pen out of his pocket and approaches the board]

... is the sort of thing we have on our planet. See this?

[He takes the lid off the device and takes a piece of paper from a member of the board]

Now... just by touching this, see? We can make signs. What we call letters. And words. Yeah?

[DESMOND holds up what he has written]

See? P - L - A - N - N - I - T. Planet!

[He turns and points to an elderly stenographer tapping away wildly in the background]

I mean... you'd have a bit of a job carrying one of them around in your top pocket, wouldn't you? Huh?! And we call this... a pen. P - E - N... N.

Clip 8

Sandra is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the highest mountain in the range. Her elevator doesn't go all of the way to the top. She's teaching the board about music on Blob.

Sandra

Ooh ooh! Show it to me? Ummmm... Where Are You Now I'm Up? Take me Side... You must have heard of Take me Sideways. Oh... how does it go?

[SANDRA begins to sing Take me Sideways]

♪

Dun... dun naa naa laa laa laa laa.

It's such a naa naa n-naa naa naa naa... but it's true.

♪

Commander Matteson

Do go on.

Sandra

♪

It's such a naa naa n-naa naa naa naa... but it's true.

When you are in my arms, why does the sky go blue?

My heart goes bim bim bim bim bim when I'm with you.

Make my dreams come... true!

♪

Clip 9

Graham has taken the alien trio to his flat in Mornington Avenue where they are holed up avoiding the press and the public. Stanley is desperate for an exclusive and is pounding on the door.

Stanley

Let me in! This is the scoop of a lifetime! Graham, don't do this to me. Not to your own father.

Graham

You're not my father, Stanley. You can't keep this to yourself.

Desmond

Is he...

Stanley

You can't keep the world waiting.

Graham

No, he isn't.

Stanley

Didn't my wife suckle you at her breast?

Graham

No she did not.

Stanley

Would you like her to?

Graham

No, thank you!

[To the trio]

Ignore him. He'll go away.

Stanley

Graham!

Desmond

He says to go away.

Clip 10

There's a receiving line for the alien trio at an Embassy party. Countess Gretel isn't all that impressed with Sandra, to be honest. Not impressed at all.

Countess Gretel

I don't know what people see in her.

Ambassador

She's perfect.

Countess Gretel

Perfect? I've got bigger tits than she has.