14 MP3 Audio clips from And Now for Something Completely Different (1971)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

HM Government Public Service Film No. 42 is How Not To Be Seen. It's a masterclass in camouflage and this was, at least in wartime, a potentially life-saving and essential skill. Ahem.

V/O

In this picture, there are 47 people. None of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you... how not to be seen. This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?

[BRADSHAW stands up and is immediately shot dead]

This demonstrates the value of not being seen. In this picture, we cannot see Mrs. B. J. Smegma of 13 The Crescent, Belmont. Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please?

[SMEGMA stands up and is immediately shot dead]

This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow Newtown. Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?

[Nothing happens]

Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not... to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

[The lone, conspicuous bush in the centre of the frame explodes]

Mr. E. W. Lambert of Home Leigh, The Burrows, Oswestry has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind. But... we can soon find out.

[Each of the three bushes in shot are detonated one at a time. The left, right and then centre which results in a loud scream]

Yes. It was the middle one. Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. However, a neighbour told us where they were.

[A tent pitched in woodland beside a river is blown up]

And here is the neighbour who told us where they were.

[A man standing in a suburban street is blown up]

And here is where he lived.

[A shed is blown up]

And this is where he was born.

[An entire city block collapses and maniacal laughter from the narrator can be heard]

Clip 2

You know, the danger with phrasebooks is that you can never be entirely sure, can you, that it's genuine. I mean if I was writing one, I'd slip all sorts of nonsense into it. Just for a laugh.

[A HUNGARIAN goes into a tobacconist's shop]

Tobacconist

Ah, morning, sir.

Hungarian

[Reading from the phrasebook in his hand]

I will not buy this record. It is scratched.

Tobacconist

I'm sorry?

Hungarian

I will not buy this record. It is scratched.

Tobacconist

Oh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's. Tobacconist's.

Hungarian

A-ha! I will not buy this tobacconist's. It is scratched.

Tobacconist

No, no. Tobacco. Um, cig... cigarettes.

Hungarian

Cigarettes?

Tobacconist

Cigarettes.

Hungarian

Ja!

Tobacconist

Yes?

Hungarian

Ja ja! Uh... My hovercraft is full of eels.

Tobacconist

What?

Hungarian

My hovercraft is full of eels.

Tobacconist

Ah, matches!

Hungarian

Yeah! Yeah! Matches.

[Once again referring to the phrasebook]

Do you want...

Tobacconist

[Correcting his pronunciation]

Do you want...

Hungarian

Want

Tobacconist

Want.

Hungarian

Do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy.

Tobacconist

That'll be six shillings, please.

Hungarian

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected.

Tobacconist

May I? May I?

Hungarian

Ja ja!

[The TOBACCONIST takes the phrasebook from the HUNGARIAN and begins to flick through its pages, trying to find the phrase he needs]

Tobacconist

Costs six shillings. Costs six shillings... Ah... six, ah, ah... um Yandelavasa grldenwi stravenka.

[The HUNGARIAN punches the TOBACCONIST in the face]

Clip 3

But, of course, wilfully publishing an inaccurate phrasebook can land you in court. And it's in court that Mr. YORK finds himself, accused of an offence occasioning a Breach of the Peace.

Court Clerk

You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May you did wilfully and with malice aforethought publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?

Mr. York

Not guilty.

Prosecutor

Mr. York, on the 28th of May you published this phrase book.

Mr. York

I did.

Prosecutor

With Your Lordship's permission, I would like to quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning, Can you direct me to the railway station? is here translated by the English phrase Please fondle my buttocks.

[EXT: London street. A businessman is approached by a HUNGARIAN clutching Mr. YORK'S phrasebook]

Hungarian

Please... fondle my buttocks.

Businessman

Ah, yes. It's past the post office, two hundred yards down and then left at the lights.

Clip 4

Ever been in a pub and been approached by the kind of low-life who wants to know the ins and outs of your sex life? No. Me neither. But this guy has. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge.

Cockney

Evening, squire. Uh... you married?

Gent

Yes.

Cockney

I'm a bachelor myself. Is, uh... is your wife a goer? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more.

Gent

I beg your pardon?

Cockney

Your wife, does she go? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Does she go? Eh?

Gent

Well, she sometimes goes.

Cockney

I'll bet she does. I'll bet she does. Say no more. Say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

Gent

I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Cockney

Follow me. Follow me. That's good. That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

Gent

Look, are you selling something?

Cockney

Selling. Selling. Very good. Very good. Know what I mean? Oh, wicked. You're wicked. You're wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

Gent

But, uh...

Cockney

Your wife a... a sport, eh?

Gent

She likes sport, yes.

Cockney

I bet she does. I bet she does.

Gent

Yes, she's very fond of cricket.

Cockney

Who isn't, eh? Who isn't? Likes games. Knew she would. Knew she would. Who doesn't. Eh? She's been around a bit. Eh? Been around?

Gent

Yes, she's traveled. She's... she's from Purley.

Cockney

Oh! Say no more. Say no more. Say no more, Purley. Say no more! Know what I mean? Say no more. Uh, your wife interested in, uh, photography, eh? Photographs, eh? he asked him knowingly.

Gent

Photography?

Cockney

Yeah. Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge. Say no more.

Gent

Holiday snaps?

Cockney

Could be. Could be taken on holiday. Could be. Swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge. Candid. Candid photography.

Gent

No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Cockney

Oh. Still. Phwoar, eh? Eh? PHWOAR!

Gent

Look, are you trying to insinuate something?

Cockney

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Gent

Well?

Cockney

Well, I mean, uh... you're a man of the world, aren't ya? I mean, you... you know, you've, uh... you've, uh... been around. You've been there.

Gent

What do you mean?

Cockney

Well I mean like you've uh, you know, you've uh... you've done it, uh, with a lady. You've slept with a lady.

Gent

Yes.

Cockney

What's it like?

Clip 5

It's a self-defence class. Four out-of-shape men line up as an instructor wearing Sergeant chevrons barks at them about fresh fruit. You couldn't make this sh*t up. Oh, hang on...

Instructor

Good evening, class!

Class

Good evening.

Instructor

Where's all the others, then?

Class

They're not here.

Instructor

I can see that! What's the matter with 'em?

Student

Don't know. Perhaps they've got flu.

Instructor

Flu! They should eat more fresh fruit! Right! Now, self-defence! Tonight I shall be carryin' on from where we got to last week when I was showin' you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

Student

You promised we wouldn't do fruit this week.

Instructor

What do you mean?

Student

Well, we've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.

Instructor

What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Student

Can't we try something else?

Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick.

Instructor

Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh! We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Gettin' all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well, let me tell you somethin', my lad! When you're walkin' home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come cryin' to me! Right! And now the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, like thus -

Class

- We've done the passion fruit!

Instructor

What?

Students

We've done the passion fruit. We've done oranges, apples, grapefruits whole and segments, greengages, pomegranates, grapes, passion fruit, lemons, plums and mangoes in syrup.

Instructor

How about cherries?

Student

We done them.

Instructor

Red and black?

Class

Yes.

Instructor

All right, then. Bananas. We haven't done bananas, have we?

Class

No.

Instructor

Right! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana! Catch!

[He throws a banana to HARRISON]

Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Then you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless!

Student

Suppose he's got a bunch.

Instructor

Shut up.

Student

Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Instructor

Shut up! Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot.

Harrison

Harrison.

Instructor

Sorry. Mr. Harrison. Come at me with that banana. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it. Come on. Attack me! Come on -

[HARRISON'S less-than-enthusiastic effort meets with disapproval]

No, no, no! Put something into it, for God's... hold the banana like that. That's better. Now scream.

[HARRISON screams]

Good. Right. Now attack me. Come on, man, attack me!

[HARRISON gets three paces forward when the instructor shoots him dead]

Next, I eat the banana.

Clip 6

Drill. The backbone of the army. Marching up and down the square. In ranks. In time. But what would it look like if marching were camped up and given a musical makeover?

Drill Sergeant

Squad! Camp it... UP!

Squad

Ooh, get her! Whoops!
I've got your number, Duckie, you couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.
I'll scratch your eyes out.
Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear.
We all know where you've been,
you military fairy, two, three.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Whoops! Don't look now, girls.
The Major's just minced in with that jolly Colour Sergeant.
Two, three.
Ooh!

Clip 7

Propositioning police officers? On duty? In uniform? In public? There should be some sort of law against that, surely?!

Man

Inspector! Inspector!

Inspector

Yes, sir?

Man

I was sitting on a park bench just now and I put my coat down and when I picked it up again, I found my wallet had gone and £15 had been stolen.

Inspector

Did you see, uh... anyone?

Man

No, no one at all.

Inspector

Well, there's very little we can do about that, sir.

Man

Do you want to come back to my place?

Inspector

Yeah, all right.

Clip 8

Before anyone gets in touch, this was not real. Terry Jones wasn't really hitting mice with mallets. But the sketch is nonetheless funny.

Compère

Here at the Peephole Club for the very first time, we're very proud to welcome Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice.

[There's a singularly underwhelming round of applause from the audience]

Ken Ewing

Thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I have in this box, twenty-three white mice. Mice which I have painstakingly trained over the past few years to squeak at a selected pitch. This one is E♯ and this one is G. G, E♯... you get the general idea. Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack that when played in the correct order they will squeak Three Blinded White Mice. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, on the mouse organ Three Blinded White Mice. Thank you.

[KEN EWING pulls out two gigantic wooden mallets and begins striking the mice. The audience are outraged and beging storming the stage]

Clip 9

This sketch needs no introduction. It's the famous Dead Parrot Sketch. The Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage but, sadly, utterly, utterly dead.

Man

Hello. I wish to register a complaint. Hello. Miss?

Shopkeeper

What do you mean, Miss?

Man

Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Shopkeeper

Oh, sorry, uh... we're closing for lunch.

Man

Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Shopkeeper

Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?

Man

I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.

Shopkeeper

No, no, it's... it's resting. Look.

Man

Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Shopkeeper

No, that's not dead, it's resting.

Man

Resting?

Shopkeeper

Yeah, resting. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage.

Man

The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Shopkeeper

No, it's resting.

Man

All right, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up. Hello, Polly! I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot!

Shopkeeper

There, he moved.

Man

No he didn't, that was you pushing the cage.

Shopkeeper

I didn't.

[The MAN continues to shout into the parrots ears, punctuating each sentence by banging its head on the counter]

Man

Yes, you did. Hello, Polly! Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine. This is your 9 o'clock alarm call.

[The MAN throws the parrot into the air and it lands with a thud on its back on the floor]

Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Shopkeeper

No, he's stunned.

Man

Stunned?

Shopkeeper

Yeah, you stunned him just as he was wakin' up. Norwegian Blues stun easily.

Man

Look, my lad, I've had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it a half hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squalk.

Shopkeeper

Well, he's pining for the fjords.

Man

Pinin' for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Shopkeeper

Well, the Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful plumage.

Man

Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot and I discovered the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Shopkeeper

Oh, well, of course it was nailed there. I mean, if I hadn't nailed it there, it would have muscled up to those bars and voom.

Man

Look here mate. This parrot wouldn't voom if you put 4,000 volts through it. It's bleedin' demised.

Shopkeeper

No, it's... it's pining.

Man

It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to see its maker. This is a late parrot! It's a stiff. Bereft of life. It rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

Clip 10

And if you thought the Dead Parrot Sketch was famous, that's nothing compared to the Lumberjack Song. Michael Palin at his comic best in my humble opinion.

♪

Lumberjack

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

Mounties

[CHORUS]
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Lumberjack

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties

He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday he goes shopping,
and has buttered scones for tea.

[CHORUS]

Lumberjack

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
and hang around in bars.

Mounties

He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
he likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing,
and hangs around in bars.

[CHORUS]

Lumberjack

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
just like my dear papa.

[The chorus of Royal Candian Mounted Police officers slowly stop singing and walk away in disgust]

Woman

Oh, Brevers! And I thought you were so butch!

[Rotten fruit is thrown at the lumberjack from off-camera, accompanied by jeering and insults]

Voices

Oh, you pansy!

Clip 11

I would imagine that casing a venue before attempting to rob it might be a good idea. You don't want to try to rob a bank only to find out it's a lingerie store, now do you?!

Robber

Good morning. I'm a bank robber. Please don't panic. Just hand over all the money.

Shopkeeper

This is a lingerie shop, sir.

Robber

Fine, fine. Adopt, adapt and improve. Well, what have you got?

Shopkeeper

We've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir.

Robber

Fine. No large quantities of money in safes?

Shopkeeper

No, sir.

Robber

No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags?

Shopkeeper

No, sir.

Robber

Fine. Just a pair of panties then, please.

Clip 12

This sketch was later used at the start of The Meaning of Life but in its original format, it's even funnier. Two accountants watching people fall past their window.

Accountant 1

Hey, did you see that?

Accountant 2

Hmm?

Accountant 1

Did you see somebody go past the window?

Accountant 2

What?

Accountant 1

Somebody just went past that window, downwards.

Accountant 2

Oh!

Accountant 1

Oh!

Another one.

Accountant 2

Hmm?

Accountant 1

Another one just went past, downwards.

Accountant 2

Right.

Accountant 1

Two people have just fallen past that window!

Accountant 2

Fine.

Accountant 1

Look, two people... three people have just fallen past that window.

Accountant 2

Must be a board meeting.

Accountant 1

Oh, yeah. That was Wilkins of finance.

Accountant 2

No, that was Robertson.

Accountant 1

Wilkins.

Accountant 2

It was Robertson.

Accountant 1

Wilkins.

Accountant 2

It was Robertson.

Accountant 1

That was Wilkins.

Accountant 2

Oh, yeah.

Accountant 1

Be Parkinson next.

Accountant 2

Bet you it won't.

Accountant 1

How much?

Accountant 2

What?

Accountant 1

How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?

Accountant 2

Yeah, all right.

Accountant 1

Right. Done. You're on. Parkinson next. Come on, Parky!

Accountant 2

Don't be silly, Parky!

Accountant 1

Come on, Parky!

Accountant 2

Don't be stupid, man!

Accountant 1

Come on, man... JUMP!

Clip 13

Imagine if this were actually prime-time viewing. Well, with reality shows on the rise, I predict it's only a matter of time before people are blackmailed live on TV. Question is, who'd watch it?!

Presenter

Hello, good evening, and welcome to Blackmail. To start tonight's program, we go north to Preston in Lancashire and Mrs. Betty Teal. Hello, Mrs. Teal. Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for £15 and is to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton. So, Mrs. Teal, send us £15 by return of post, please and your husband Trevor and your lovely children Diane, Janice and Juliet need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. Now, a letter, a series of photographs and a hotel registration book which could add up to divorce, premature retirement and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a Freemason and a Conservative M.P. So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove, that's £3,000, please to stop us revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved, the youth organisation to which they belong and the shop where you bought the equipment.

Clip 14

It's the Monty Python's Flying Circus theme tune, shortened for use as a ring tone. Or a doorbell. Or perhaps just to annoy your children with. It's up to you.