13 MP3 Audio clips from Keeping Mum (2005)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's 1964. A beautiful, pregnant Rosemary Jones is arrested for the murder and dismemberment of her husband and his lover. And this is the confession that sees her convicted and incarcerated.

Detective

[Slams his hand down on the table, across which sits JONES]

Two dismembered bodies, Rosemary. Why don't you just tell me who they are.

Rosemary

My husband and his mistress. They were planning to run away together.

Detective

So you thought you'd just kill 'em instead?

Rosemary

Well I couldn't very well stand idly by now, could I?

Clip 2

Mr. Brown's dog is a pain in the ass. Clarence is a Jack Russell Terrier and he's... shall we say vocal. Much to the constant infuriation of the vicar's wife, Gloria Goodfellow.

Gloria

[Lying in bed, listening irritably to CLARENCE barking across the green]

Oh! Oh, for FU*K'S SAKE! Jesus... CHRIST! What's a girl have to do to get a decent night's sleep around here, for crying out loud?

Clip 3

Gloria has just discovered her seventeen-year-old daughter, Holly, naked and getting buck wild with her boyfriend, Mark. In a camper van. In the middle of the village. On a Sunday.

Gloria

You know the thing that pains me the most?

Holly

No. But I get the feeling you're going to tell me anyway.

Gloria

You're an intelligent girl -

Holly

- An intelligent girl can't have a libido?

Gloria

No. An intelligent girl knows what to do with it.

Holly

I know what to do with it.

Gloria

Oh, Holly. We used to be such friends.

[WALTER arrives home from the Sunday service and calls from the hallway]

Walter

Hello?!

Gloria

And now you're just cross with me all the time.

Holly

That's probably on account of you being a total and utter b**ch!

Clip 4

And the discussion continues. Holly has a theory as to why her mother is such a b**ch. It's a theory that Gloria disagrees with and which Petey completely misunderstands.

Holly

See, you're an utter b**ch to him.

Gloria

No, I'm not.

Holly

And I know why, you're not getting any.

Gloria

What?

Holly

The same reason you're angry with me and Mark.

Gloria

Oh, in the van, in front of the house, on a Sunday. That might have more to do with it.

Holly

I don't think so.

Gloria

Oh, you must be right then.

Holly

Well, I usually am.

[GLORIA gathers the breakfast plates and walks through to the kitchen where she discovers PETEY, sitting on the floor having overheard the preceding conversation]

Petey

Can I get you any?

Gloria

Petey, how long have you been there?

Petey

Well, Holly says you're not getting any. Can I get you some?

Gloria

Oh Petey, that's very thoughtful, but no. No, you can't.

Clip 5

Without the visuals, this scene sounds a little... rapey. In fact, even with the visuals, it's not much better. But, if it assists you to contextualise this, it's Gloria's Golf lesson.

Gloria

Let's face it. I'm no good at this.

Lance

No, you just need a little tweaking. A little Lance adjustment, but that's another story. All right now, Gloria. I told you that the key is in the swing.

Gloria

Yeah, well, I never had a good swing, so...

Lance

I disagree. I bet you could swing really well. Now, you grip that shaft, gently but firmly. Uh huh. Now, spread your legs. A little more.

[LANCE kicks her right leg outwards from behind]

Gloria

Oh!

Lance

Yeah. Now you bend to the ball slowly. Yeah. Now, bend your knees. Yeah. Feel good?

Gloria

Yeah, feels fine.

Lance

Okay. Now you just keep your eye on the ball.

Gloria

Okay.

Lance

You let me worry about the hole.

Gloria

Right.

Clip 6

As with all true ladies, Grace has sent her things on ahead. Packed in an old leather trunk. A thing of beauty.

Gloria

Oh, she's here already?

Walter

Sorry?

Gloria

The housekeeper.

Walter

No, no, just her trunk. It arrived while you were out. It's a lovely old thing. Isn't it?

[WALTER stoops to read the name Grace Jawkins on the label]

Well, well, well. Look at that. Grace. Is it a sign, do you think?

Gloria

No, I think it's a trunk.

Clip 7

Clarence is still barking. Gloria and Grace have discussed this. And then, in the middle of the night, this happens. Can you work out what happens to Clarence?

[INT: Bedroom. Night. CLARENCE is barking. And then, with a loud pang from a shovel blade, he squeals and goes deathly quiet]

Clip 8

Well, this isn't at all awkward. Gloria's husband meets Gloria's lover for the first time and shakes his hand, unaware that the very hand he's shaking has been... well, you know.

Walter

I'm sorry, I... have, have we...

Lance

Oh, sorry -

[LANCE extends his hand for WALTER to shake]

- Lance. I see your wife. I'm her golf pro.

Walter

Oh yes. Oh yes. She takes her golf very seriously.

Lance

Yeah, always comes on time, too.

Walter

[Failing to recognise the obvious innuendo]

Oh yes, she's... she's very good like that.

Clip 9

Lance wants to whisk Gloria away to Mexico. He's excited and aroused by the prospect. So he calls her. Problem is, it's not Gloria who answers the phone.

Lance

So in Mexico, they have these endless miles of perfect, glistening, white sand beaches. And what we're gonna do, for the rest of our lives, is we're gonna find our own little stretch, our own little private place, just you and me. And then what I'm gonna do, is I am going to cover your body with coconut cream every day, and I am going to start at your toes, and I'm gonna lick my way up slowly all the way to your little -

Grace

- Well, that sounds lovely. When do we go?

Lance

[Realising his momentous error, LANCE hangs up]

FU*K!

Clip 10

Billy Martin is an a**hole. Okay, so he's just a kid but what a horrible little kid. Still, you have to wonder whether Grace should have cut his brake cables at all, really.

Gloria

Billy Martin's dead?

Grace

Oh good Lord, no. No, he's not dead, he's just unconscious, if I'm any judge. But, please don't tell Petey, because he's so excited.

[The kitchen window slides up and HOLLY appears, looking flustered]

Holly

Oh, Grace, can you come and look at the pie?

Grace

Yes, of course, dear.

Holly

I fu*ked up big time.

Grace

I don't think she should use that language. I really don't.

Clip 11

Well, the cat's out of the bag. Grace's nocturnal activities have come to light and, in Walter's absence, a crisis meeting is being held in her bedroom.

Grace

Not the type you would have been happy with in the end, dear.

Gloria

Don't change the subject. You have a dead man in your trunk!

Grace

No, no, no, he's not in my trunk, dear. He's in his car. And that wasn't just any man, was it, Gloria? That was your lover.

Holly

That was your lover?

Grace

Well, no, you've got to understand, Holly, your mother's been very unhappy, and lonely. Well, you know, your father, well, he's a busy man and along comes this handsome American with his accent and his swing, not the type I would approve of at all.

Gloria

You can't go around killing people just because you don't approve of them.

Grace

Do you know, that... that's what my doctors used to say. It was the one point we could never agree on.

Clip 12

They say that serial killers slip up eventually. In the case of Grace Hawking, it was a simple misunderstood question.

Gloria

Aren't we forgetting the small matter of... dead bodies?

Grace

How did you know about the other bodies?

Gloria

What other bodies?

Grace

Oh, you didn't know about the other bodies.

Gloria

What other bodies?

Grace

Oh, it's j... just Mr. Brown's dog... and... and Mr. Brown.

Clip 13

We end on a lighter note. Walter's sermon, injected with jokes and humour thanks to a lesson from Grace. And this one is a belter. If you're into this kind of thing, I suppose.

Walter

Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi, and a Priest all walk into a pub, and the barman looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"