19 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Robot Chicken (2005)

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Introducing Goku and Gohan, characters from an apparently popular anime called Dragonball. No. I'd never heard of it either. Anyway, it's Christmas and Santa is about to come down the chimney.

Gohan

Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?

Goku

You're damned right, I could!

Gohan

Is that Santa on the roof?

Goku

Well, if not, I've got a present for him.

[GOKU pulls back the slide on a Glock to chamber a round just as SANTA falls down the chimney and lands on the hearth]

Santa

Oof!

Gohan

Santa! Santa!

Santa

Oh, my mother-fu*king knee! Oh, fu*king sh*t! Oh fu*k... fu*k it all to hell that hurts like a mother-fu*ker.

Gohan

Dad, what's a fu*k?

Goku

[Laughs awkwardly]

Santa is a benevolent hero, distributing toys to the children of the world. Right? But what if he wasn't entirely benevolent? What if his operation was a cover for something more sinister?

V/O

Deep inside Santa's fabled workshop, discontent had begun to spread among the androgynous elven workforce.

Elf

It was all about the coke, man. Santa had us elves hide the blow in the crappy wooden toys. Then he'd make the drop... and the sale was complete.

[A LITTLE GIRL is disappointed when her FATHER pulls the head off a wooden toy to get to the cocaine]

Little Girl

Aw!

Elf

He tried to use some different ways to sneak the product in.

[INT: Airport Arrivals Lounge. A YETI'S stomach is rhythmically contorting as condoms filled with drugs explode in his bowels]

You ever see a yeti with a dozen condoms of coke burst in his belly?

[INT: Airport Arrivals Lounge. The YETI begins raging, attacking fellow passengers]

It's a bad scene, man.

It's Pidge as you've never seen (or heard) him before. Who's Pidge? Well, according to Google, he's the technological whiz and the Voltron Force member who pilots the Green Lion. So there.

Pidge

Hey! Who's laughing now, bi-otch? Huh? HUH?!

We've all seen those wildlife documentaries which show predatory behaviour in carnivorous species, right? Well, this is a little different. The mongoose has a unique way of killing its prey.

V/O

The mongoose may be small, but he's one of the fiercest killers in the animal kingdom. When the mongoose finally spots its target, the strike is precise and deadly.

[The MONGOOSE assembles a sniper rifle and rests it on a tripod. He gets the motorcade in his sights and the rest, as they say, is history]

Agent

[Over the radio]

The President has been shot. Repeat: the President has been shot.

Oh, those adverts for crappy cleaning products. They always make it look like they'll make your life so much easier, right? Well, not necessarily. Not in the case of Señor Clean.

[Children are heard laughing as they trample mud all through the kitchen]

Dad

You gotta love being a stay-at-home dad. But some days are tougher than others. Don't worry, Dad. Señor Clean is on the job.

♪ Señor Clean, Señor Clean! ♪

[SEÑOR CLEAN enters the kitchen as a whirlwind, cleaning everything he touches before finally coming to rest, arms folded triumphantly]

Señor Clean

Need a little help?

Children

Thanks, Señor Clean!

Señor Clean

Oh no, I not finished yet.

Dad

W-What?

Señor Clean

Go see a movie, kids.

[The KIDS cheer and leave the room]

Dad

M-m-my wife will be home soon.

Señor Clean

Not with her brake-lines cut she won't.

♪ Señor Clean gets it done. ♪

Señor Clean

Sometimes with my penis!

Imagine being a supervillain car-sharing. Imagine if the driver were Skeletor who had enjoyed a Breakfast Burrito. Imagine the windows are all closed. Imagine that. Can you imagine that?

Skeletor

That was a good one. Aahhhhhhhhhhh!

Lex Luthor

What was a good -

[A gaseous smell reaches him]

- OH!

Skeletor

[Laughs maniacally]

Mumm-Ra

It's burning my eyes! They're watering.

Cobra Commander

Unlock the window!

Skeletor

Behold! The gaseous stench of Skeletor's Breakfast Burrito.

[Resumes laughing maniacally]

I'm all for patriotism. In all its forms. Except this one. Nobody needs to see a man, dressed in a stars and stripes suit farting the National Anthem. Nobody needs to see that.

Presenter

You know, freedom of speech is the most valuable right of the American people. And so, to honour our first amendment, I will now fart the National Anthem. I recommend you video tape this moment and watch it again on the fourth of July.

[He gets only six notes in before he... well, he follows through. He flat-out sh*ts his pants]

Oops! I just crapped myself!

You've seen Pimp My Ride, right? Well, what if it wasn't your ride you were pimping but... your sister?

[XZIBIT approaches a front door and rings the bell. The door is answered by a BOY]

Xzibit

Dude, it's time to pimp your sister!

Boy

Oh, yeah, man! I can't believe I'm ownin' my sister right now. Come pimp that b**ch OUT!

♪ Pimp My Sister ♪

Catwoman. She's fearless and cunning. But get a few drinks inside her and she becomes something of a party animal.

Catwoman

They still haven't forgiven me for that stupid party.

[INT: Party. CATWOMAN stands on a table, topless and swinging her shirt whilst grabbing her crotch and screaming]

C'mon, baby. Who wants to pet this pu**y?

[Belches and falls over]

Joey Fatone has been entered into a Karate competition by his mentor and sensei, Pat Morita. He's nervous that he'll have to go it alone.

Pat Morita

Good luck, Fat One.

Joey Fatone

You won't be by my side?

Pat Morita

The true test of a warrior is to go it alone. Besides, I've got a dump brewing that could choke a monkey.

Never in any episode of Quantum Leap that I've watched does Sam ever end up as a woman, performing a handjob. But this isn't Quantum Leap. This is Robot Chicken.

Sam Beckett

I did it! I reunited that boy with his puppy.

[SAM quantum-leaps and winds up in a bathroom, dressed in lingerie]

What the -

Man

[Voice heard from adjoining bedroom]

C'mere, Baby. What's takin' so long?

Sam Beckett

Oh, boy!

Al Calavicci

Sam, Ziggy says in order to leap out, you gotta work the shaft. Work the shaft, Sam. There you go!

There's a killer on the loose in Le Pays Maudit and Papa Smurf and Brainy need to figure out who their suspect is. This is a parody of the movie Seven and it's hilarious.

Papa Smurf

Our killer is mimicking the seven deadly sins. But what sins still remain?

Brainy

The sin of lust, for one.

Smurf

[Appearing at the window]

PAPA! BRAINY! Chronic Masturbator Smurf was just found with his wang chopped off and stuffed up his smurfhole!

Brainy

But we still don't have any suspects.

Papa Smurf

Go get Smurfette. Maybe a little massage will help us concentrate.

Brainy

Happy ending?

Papa Smurf

Happy ending.

Remember Teddy Ruxpin? That creepy but somehow cute talking teddy bear? Well, in the Robot Chicken universe he's called Eddie Buttskin and he's made it onto the Letterman Show.

David Letterman

Tonight, the top ten things Eddie Buttskin should never say.

[He places EDDIE BUTTSKIN on the counter]

Number ten.

Eddie Buttskin

If you die, could I have your room?

David Letterman

Number nine.

Eddie Buttskin

Me so horny. Me love you looonnnggg time.

David Letterman

Number eight.

Eddie Buttskin

There's blood when I wipe.

David Letterman

Number seven.

Eddie Buttskin

I'm going to eat your face on TV, David Letterman.

David Letterman

Wait, that's kind of specific.

[EDDIE BUTTSKIN pounces on the host and begins to eat his face. As he disappears from view, the house band drummer performs his signature drum roll and cymbal crash]

"I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool!" Well, this time the A Team give BA Baracus his customary spiked milk and they climb aboard a helicopter. A small helicopter. A confined space.

Murdock

You know, years of drugged milk can have unfortunate side-effects.

Face

Oh yeah? Like what, Merdock?

Murdock

Severe lactose intolerance.

BA Baracus

[Farts]

I don't like cheese. Happy unicorn.

Murdock

Can you... roll down the windows in a helicopter?

Face

Umm...

Murdock

This is going to be a long trip!

BA Baracus

I want my rubber ducky.

Celebrity endorsements are commonplace. But this is, admittedly, a somewhat unusual one. Keanu Reeves branching out into the world of breakfast sausages. And he has testimonials to share.

Keanu Reeves

Hi. I'm Keanu Reeves. I've beaten the world of acting. And now I'm going to beat the world of breakfast sausages. They're tasty. Don't believe me? Listen to these breakfast fans.

Christopher Walken

Oh. Hello. I did not notice you... there. I'm a fan. Of... sausage. I like... Keanu's... sausage. The best... to eat.

Captain Kirk

They're so... juicy. I... can't start the day without... an amazing sausage. In my mouth. That's where... Keanu... comes in.

Introducing Ross Hashanah, a Jewish James Bond character. His name is a bastardisation of the Jewish new year festival, Rosh Hashanah. Just so you know.

Ross Hashanah

Oh! Don't get any blood on the new carpet.

V/O

America's number one Judaic super-spy is back in action.

Ross Hashanah

Never mess with a man's Roth IRA!

Q

Now, the hood-mounted gatling guns are quite deadly when -

Ross Hashanah

How many miles per gallon?

Q

Er, twenty-five or so. Now, the smoke screen generator -

Ross Hashanah

Is that highway or city mileage?

[ROSS is tied to a table with a laser moving up between his legs]

You expect me to talk, Goyfinger?

Goyfinger

No, Mister Hashanah. I expect you to eat this BLT!

[GOYFINGER shoves a BLT roll into ROSS'S face]

Ross Hashanah

It's not kosh -

V/O

This summer, get chillin' with the Delphillin'. Ross Hashanah.

It's the first inauguration of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. That famous speech. Which would work well were it not for members of the press butting in with corrections.

Roosevelt

The only thing we have to fear... is fear itself.

Reporter

And spiders.

Roosevelt

Well, yes... and spiders. That goes without saying.

Reporter

And snakes.

Roosevelt

Yes. Snakes, too.

Reporter

And don't forget werewolves.

Roosevelt

There is no such thing -

[The inauguration becomes chaotic as the REPORTERS begin to argue whether or not werewolves exist]

Okay... so the only things we have to fear are spiders, snakes, werewolves, sharks, dying alone, zombies, clowns, heights, big dogs, robots with human brains, Johnson's wife and fear itself.

Crazy Davey. He's one of those fast-talking, excitable local car dealership owners who ruins late night TV. And he really is crazy. Oh yeah. Completely wacko.

Crazy Davey

That's right, folks. We got a whole lot of two-thousand-five vehicles that must be sold. That's the Crazy Davey's Chapter Eleven debt re-structuring. Yep, there go my wife and kids... I won't be seeing them again. Crazy Davey's circling the ball, folks. Hell, just bend Crazy Davey over the hood of this fine luxury sedan and cornhole until you're satisfied. And as a special bonus, if you find my brains on your windshield, you can have my dog!

[He puts the barrel of a handgun to his head and pulls the trigger but it doesn't fire]

Well, better luck next time!

Yeah. I'm not sure about this one. Has Bravo become "gay?" and, if so, in what way has it become gay?

V/O

Coming this Fall to Bravo... get ready for... Ass Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirate 1

Arrrr, I love being a naughty pirate.

Pirate 2

Ooh, arr-arr-arrrrr!

V/O

Bravo. Somewhere along the line we got really, really gay!