17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Mr. D (2012)

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Robert Cheeley. He may be the Vice Principal but he commands no more respect than an earthworm. And that's because nobody is afraid of him. Because he's not scary. Not even slightly.

Trudy Walsh

Oh, Robert. To be a great leader you need to inspire fear. Callaghan is effective because people are afraid of him. No-one's afraid of you, Robert.

Robert Cheeley

Oh, is that so?

[In a futile attempt to prove her wrong, ROBERT gets in TRUDY'S face and begins pointing a finger at her nose whilst practicing his tough talk routine]

Because I swear on all known gods, I will rip your head off your body and use it as a tennis ball for my pure enjoyment.

Trudy Walsh

If you don't get your finger out of my face, I'm gonna have to break it.

Robert Cheeley

Can I try that one again without the finger?

Trudy Walsh

Nope.

Norman. He's been off sick with stress for a while but he's finally back in the arms of the Xavier Academy family. Welcome back, Norman!

Trudy Walsh

Hi, Norman! Nice to have you back. How was your stress leave?

Norman

I do feel better.

Bobbi Galka

Good. Well, bienvenue chez nous.

Norman

I teach French, I don't speak it. Capeesh? Gym teachers...

[He leaves the office]

Bobbi Galka

Well!

Trudy Walsh

Oh, he's much better!

Mr. D has fallen asleep during a lesson and is snoring resonantly in his chair, his feet on the desk. It's very obvious he's sleeping but he tries to style his way out of it, anyway. The twat.

Maya

[Clears her throat pointedly]

Gerry Duncan

[Waking with a start]

TRACY CHAPMAN! Uh... Industrial Revolution. Anybody here see Les Misérables?

Maya

I saw it.

Gerry Duncan

Maya. Tell us what Les Misérables was about.

Maya

The French Revolution.

Gerry Duncan

Yes. Thank you. Which led us into the Industrial Revolution.

Maya

Were you sleeping, Sir?

Gerry Duncan

No. I was thinking.

Maya

Then why did you yell out Tracy Chapman with your eyes closed?

Gerry Duncan

Because I've got a fast car.

Ron. He's a young student at Xavier Academy who, on account of his ginger hair, looks rather a lot like his namesake, Ron Weasley. But this kid sucks at acting. I mean, totally fu*king sucks.

Gerry Duncan

I should be in this play. That's what... I should be in this.

Eva MacPhee

I think we're gonna go with Ron.

Gerry Duncan

You're gonna go with Ron? Ron, the wooden...

[Begins moving like a robot, clearly hurting the young boy's feelings]

That. You're gonna go with that? That's gonna be fun to watch. I'm a leaf, like -

Trudy Walsh

Yeah, listen...

Gerry Duncan

C'mon!

Trudy Walsh

... that leaf isn't the only things that blows, by the way, Gerry.

Gerry Duncan

That's not funny, Trudy. We're all just trying to do our best here.

Oh for the love of God, NO! Who thought that this would be a good idea? Putting Mr. D in charge of an assignment on religion. It's like putting a chocoholic in charge of an Easter egg hunt.

Gerry Duncan

[Speaking each word aloud as he writes the title of the assignment on the whiteboard]

RELIGIONS... OF... THE... WORLD. Christianity (Catholic), Muslim and Jew.

[Maya raises her hand]

Yes, Maya?

Maya

Sir, I'm pretty sure there's more than three religions.

Gerry Duncan

Would you like to teach this?

Maya

Will I get paid what you get paid?

Gerry Duncan

No. 'Cos you didn't go to university for seven years to learn this and be trained as a teacher. Thank you. Now if the pope, here would let me finish, yes there are other religions of the world. But they are silly or created by crazy people so we don't talk about them or believe in them. Your job this unit is to do a presentation on a religion. I am suggesting the first one. Specifically Catholicism which is a branch of Christianity because that's the most popular and the biggest. How popular? Jesus was Jewish and even he was Catholic. Think about that.

[For the record, Jesus was not Catholic. He was Jewish. In fact, he was the King of the Jews]

Gerry is convinced that Simon's date is, in fact, a man. He's spent a few minutes trying to get the poor soul to expose her neck so that he can check for a laryngeal protuberance. An Adam's Apple.

Gerry Duncan

There's no drip, Simon.

Simon Hunt

WHAT?

Gerry Duncan

Okay, I wanted to see if she had an Adam's Apple. I was trying to get her to expose her neck. But she kept looking up with me and looking down with me. You've really got to see The Crying Game before you go on this date.

Simon Hunt

No. I don't like sad movies. Funny?

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, it's a very... she... you'll both enjoy it. She might be in it!

Trudy has scored big in the competition to get Principal Callaghan the best birthday present. Robert Cheeley needs to up his game. And he does. But victory is short lived.

Robert Cheeley

After careful consideration and a little bit of research, I think I've found... maybe the perfect gift, worthy of the day of your -

Principal Callaghan

Robert, this is -

Robert Cheeley

Please -

Principal Callaghan

Completely unneccesary -

Robert Cheeley

Please... indulge me. Hear me out.

[He unrolls a scroll of paper to reveal a hand-made genealogical chart]

It's your family tree.

Principal Callaghan

Oh, my God! This is incredible.

Robert Cheeley

I mean, it's no diving watch. Shows who all your relatives were. Where they lived, when they died.

Trudy Walsh

It's very impressive, Robert. Oopsy! Look at that. Your great-grandfather died at sixty. Shame. Oh look! Your great-grandmother, too. Also died at sixty. In fact, ooh, weird. Looks like not too many of your ancestors made it past sixty! That's funny. Not funnny, ha-ha, obviously.

Robert Cheeley

It was a different time. That's not what's important. What's important is... a pretty special person got you a birthday gift. Happy birthday, Sir.

Principal Callaghan

[Suddenly overwhelmed by sadness and, perhaps, a feeling of ominous mortality]

Yeah. Happy birthday.

Robert Cheeley

And many more.

Trudy Walsh

Well... at least two more anyway, Robert.

[Laughs]

Well done!

Inexplicably, Gerry Duncan is crying as he drives along listening to These Dreams by Heart. That is right up until the moment he crashes into the back of a police car.

[GERRY is singing along to These Dreams when he collides with a parked police vehicle]

Gerry Duncan

AGH! Cops.

[He gets out of his car to speak to the two officers]

Cop #1

Turn it down.

[GERRY reaches in and mutes the stereo]

Gerry Duncan

Uh, sorry guys.

Cop #1

What are you doing, Sir?

Gerry Duncan

It just sprung off my foot.

Cop #2

Is everything okay, Sir?

Gerry Duncan

Ahh, allergies. Pollen. Feel it?

Cop #1

You weren't crying to that song, were you?

Gerry Duncan

No! Heart? No. I don't listen to Heart. Yuk! Who plays Heart any more?

Cop #1

Well, there's no damage and we can't give a guy a ticket who's been crying by himself in a car listening to, uh... obviously, Heart.

Gerry Duncan

Heart. Yeah. Right. As if!

Cop #2

Maybe we can call, uh... Crybaby's mommy to come pick him up.

Cop #1

Call your mom to pick you up?

Cop #2

Maybe get a sooky, dip it in some apple sauce.

Cop #1

You like a little apple sauce on that, hmm?

Cop #2

Crushed up carrots will help baby's eyesight. Hmm?

Jimmy and his friends have taken a sudden interest in cultivation. And Mr. Hunt is unwittingly assisting them with growing a bumper crop of... wheatgrass. You dig?

Jimmy

Hey, Mr. Hunt. Can we ask one last question about out crop?

Simon Hunt

Sure, Jimmy. Of course. What's up?

Jimmy

Okay. Do we have to adjust the pH level in the soil when we harvest the wheatgrass?

Simon Hunt

No. Nothing need change at harvest.

Jimmy

Okay. That's perfect. Thanks for the help.

Simon Hunt

Just glad that you're taking such a keen interest in science.

Jimmy

Science is awesome.

Simon Hunt

Science is awesome. Good luck with your wheatgrass.

Jimmy

Thanks, Sir.

Simon Hunt

You grow that wheatgrass, I'll continue to fertilise young minds!

Wayne Leung is the school librarian. And if you saw his yearbook, it would say "most likely to murder someone and wear their skin as a wetsuit." Yeah. Complete psycho.

Wayne Leung

Hello, Trudy.

Trudy Walsh

You're a quick little bugger, aren't you?

Wayne Leung

So... what was Mister Cheeley's reaction to all the students I brought him? Rage? Anger?

Trudy Walsh

Didn't seem to bother him at all. I think you're gonna have to take it up a notch.

Wayne Leung

Murder him.

Trudy Walsh

Maybe half a notch.

It's amazing how two adult professionals (by which I don't, of course, mean porn stars) can have an argument which descends into such puerile, childish insults so quickly.

Robert Cheeley

Mr. Leung... this has to stop. For some reason, Principal Callaghan keeps you around here but you have to learn to respect my authority.

Wayne Leung

No. You don't respect mine. And your tie's ugly.

Robert Cheeley

Is it? Guess what? Melvil Dewey of the Dewey Decimal System was a fraud.

Wayne Leung

Your mother is a filthy -

Trudy Walsh

Hey, hey, hey, you two!

Robert Cheeley

My mother... is a saint.

Wayne Leung

For money!

Megan has been impossible to deal with lately. I wonder if you can spot why that might be. What is it that she's doing that might have riled Lisa Mason?

[LISA MASON brings a young student to ROBERT CHEELEY'S office]

Lisa Mason

Mr. Cheeley, Megan has been impossible to deal with lately.

Robert Cheeley

How so? Is she disruptive?

Lisa Mason

No.

Robert Cheeley

Late for class?

Lisa Mason

No.

Robert Cheeley

Not doing her work?

Lisa Mason

No, she's just... she's just been so difficult.

Robert Cheeley

Fine. Leave her here.

Lisa Mason

Good luck!

[LISA MASON leaves the office]

Robert Cheeley

Have a seat.

[MEGAN sits down opposite him]

What's her deal?

Megan

What is her deal?

Robert Cheeley

So, Megan. What seems to be the problem?

Megan

What does seem to be the problem?

Robert Cheeley

How can you not know what the problem is?

Megan

How can you not know?

Robert Cheeley

Why did Ms. Mason bring you here?

Megan

Why did she bring me here?

Robert Cheeley

Okay, this is serious, Megan. Do I have to call your mother in for a meeting?

Megan

Do you have to?

[CHEELEY picks up his phone]

Robert Cheeley

Home number is what I need from you, please. Can I have your home number?

Megan

Can you?

Subjecting a class of children to hardcore porn, however momentary that exposure is, is a serious professional faux pas. And explaining what the naked people were doing... well, it's awkward.

Gerry Duncan

All right, so today, as you can see, we are not doing any work. We're watching a movie today. You are welcome. And this is my favourite movie. And you will love it. If anyone wants to borrow it after, you can do that, too. Maybe your parents haven't seen it. I just wanna get it back. But for now... I want you to sit back, no note taking, nothing. Just enjoy a phenomenal movie. Okay? Stephan, you can hit play.

[Stephan hits play and the class are subjected to hardcore porn. Gerry dives over chairs to reach the machine and switch it off]

Excuse me! Sorry!

Ben

That was your favourite movie, Sir?

Gerry Duncan

No. That is not the right movie. My roommate, Bill... put the wrong movie back in the... the my favourite movie box. That wasn't Remember the Titans.

Lucy

What were they doing?

Gerry Duncan

Oh God. Um... sometimes... when... four people... are in love...

If rumours are to be believed, Adolf Hitler had one more testicle than Wayne Leung. Because Wayne Leung was born suffering from a condition called Testicular Agenesis. That WAS his secret.

Gerry Duncan

Was it you in a cult?

Lisa Mason

No, Gerry, it wasn't me. Give it a rest!

Gerry Duncan

I think Leung would probably start a cult.

[LISA laughs loudly]

Bobbi Galka

What's going on over there?

Wayne Leung

They're talking about me being in a cult.

Simon Hunt

That's who I thought it was.

Gerry Duncan

Come on, everybody thought it was Leung, right?

Bobbi Galka

No, no, okay, hold on, you guys.

Wayne Leung

I was not in a cult.

Simon Hunt

I think it's cool if you were.

Wayne Leung

That is not my secret.

Gerry Duncan

How many wives do you have?

Wayne Leung

Stop it.

Gerry Duncan

Do you want some Kool-Aid?

Wayne Leung

I WAS BORN... WITHOUT TESTICLES.

You'd think a teacher would know that Phuket is a real place. A city in Thailand. But no. Gerry just assumes that his class are trying to make him look stupid. Like he needs help with that!

Gerry Duncan

Before we get started, we still need to pick a place or a region or a country for Culture Day tomorrow. So, I'm going to suggest... for the sake of convenience and time... we choose Scotland. Who would like to do Scotland? The Scottish? Hello, there! Hands up if you like that i -

[He notices a pupil staring at him]

Gerry Duncan

- WHAT?

Student

Sir... isn't it supposed to be a place where a student's family is from?

Gerry Duncan

Scotland. My parents are Scottish. So we have a family connection.

Student

A student, Sir.

Gerry Duncan

Okay. We'll start putting other choices on the board.

Neesa

I got one.

Gerry Duncan

Neesa, why don't you go write a place or country or culture on the board and then we will maybe look at a few other choices. I'm still gonna push for Scotland because I think there's a lot of good things we can do there.

[Neesa has written Phuket on the board]

Gerry Duncan

Neesa! Phuk... phuk... fu... that's funny to you?

Neesa

What do you mean?

Gerry Duncan

You want me to say that? You guys are hoping I say that. So you wrote it... you wrote the word in a different... way. FU*K IT!

[There is a collective gasp from his students]

[GERRY laughs sarcastically]

Tell you what? That was funny, wasn't it? GROW UP!

Taking Simon Hunt to a strip club. Hmm. Not going to end well. Firstly because Simon is shier than a Bush Baby. Secondly, Woody's Strip Club is a gay bar. Not the best place to pick up women.

Gerry Duncan

Tonight... you lose your virginity.

Simon Hunt

Thanks, Gerry. But I like women.

Gerry Duncan

Not with me. With girls.

Gerry has been forced to throw a Netball match. The girls at St. Patrick's School have lost their coach to a sudden heart attack and they could use a little cheering up. Strap is NOT happy, though.

Gerry Duncan

Look, when you're older you'll understand what I did there but for now you need to understand that sometimes you need to lose... to win.

Strap

That's bullsh*t!