9 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Mr. D (2012)

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Robert Cheeley is dating and it's getting wild. What's that? Who's he dating? Well, it's... it's... it's Simon's mum. Yeah. Awkward.

Simon Hunt

Oop! There he is. Love machine!

Robert Cheeley

[Laughs]

Simon Hunt

How was the big date last night?

Robert Cheeley

Pretty steamy, I must confess!

Simon Hunt

Yeah? Give me the dirt!

Robert Cheeley

Simon... a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

Simon Hunt

Oof. Real steam room huh?

Robert Cheeley

You have no idea. She did this thing with her neck -

Lisa Mason

What are you guys talking about?

Robert Cheeley

Oh... just a date I had last night.

Lisa Mason

Ooooh! How did it go?

Robert & Simon

[In unison]

It was hot!

Lisa Mason

Really? Who's the lucky lady?

Robert Cheeley

His mom.

Simon Hunt

My mom.

Lisa Mason

Really? Uh, you're... you're okay with that, Simon?

Simon Hunt

No. I'm not okay with it. I'm great with it!

Lisa Mason

Great! That's... that's great! How long have you guys been seeing each other?

Robert Cheeley

Only a week but it is getting pretty intense.

Simon Hunt

Really intense.

Robert Cheeley

It's like we're on a one-way express trip to Lustville.

[Robert and Simon begin making train whistle and engine noises]

Lisa Mason

Wow. Okay, wow. That's a lot to take in.

Simon Hunt

That's what my mom said.

Lisa Mason

What?

Simon Hunt

[Laughs]

Lisa Mason

Yeah, I'm just gonna go scrub my brain!

It's Parent's Evening. But Gerry is in a wicked rush. He has somewhere he has to be. Something he has to do. So he calls a group of parents in together to give them a brief summary of progress.

Gerry Duncan

All right. Thank you, parents... for coming. And Maya. Now since I know you all are very busy people, I thought I would do this in a group session. So, start with David... wonderful student, keep up the great work and I love having Toby in my class and Briana, what a wonderful girl, what else can I say? She's a great student. That's it. Thank you so much for coming.

Maya's Mom

And... what about Maya?

Gerry Duncan

Well, you brought Maya so I can't really tell you how I feel about Maya, 'cos she's sitting right there.

Maya's Mom

You can say anything you want in front of Maya.

Gerry Duncan

Okay... Maya's a pain in the ass.

Edna Donaldson is Xavier Academy's greatest donor. She bankrolls so much. And she's taken a liking to Gerry Duncan. Which is why he must now schmooze her. Hard.

Edna Donaldson

I'm looking forward to our dinner, Gerry.

Gerry Duncan

Not as much as I am.

Edna Donaldson

Should be a hell of a night.

Gerry Donaldson

And how will it end?

Edna Donaldson

You're naughty!

[As she walks away, she gives GERRY a surprisingly hard slap on the ass]

Students can't have their phones on in class. It's a rule. A rule that Gerry vigorously enforces. Which is not great news for Cliff.

[The sound of a phone vibrating on silent is heard in the otherwise quiet classroom]

Gerry Duncan

Whose phone is that? It's coming from over here. Who has their phone on?

[He bends down and takes the phone from CLIFF'S bag]

It's right here, Cliff. Oh.

[CLIFF tries to take his phone back]

No, no, no, no. Let me answer that for you. What's so important that it couldn't wait?

[GERRY jabs the call accept button and places the device to his ear]

Hello? He is in class right now. This is his teacher. Yes, I will.

[GERRY terminates the call and drops the phone on CLIFF'S desk]

Cliff

Was it my mother?

Gerry Duncan

It was your mother.

Cliff

Was it about my grandfather?

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, it was.

Cliff

How is he?

Gerry Duncan

He just died.

[CLIFF begins to process this devastating news]

I'm kidding! He just got let out of the hospital. He's gonna be good. Don't have your phone on in class! Lesson for all of you. Phones are off. Maybe next time I won't tell you right away. I will let you go a couple of hours thinking he's dead.

If you're making an announcement on the school's PA, it's best practice to switch the microphone off BEFORE you insult a fellow staff member. Especially when that staff member is Bobbi Galka.

Lisa Mason

I need to make an announcement.

Trudy Walsh

Okay, uh... students are between classes...

[LISA leans down and uses the PA microphone to broadcast her message across the entire school]

Lisa Mason

Attention members of the Quiz Team, tonight's practice starts at 3.30pm sharp. This is in preparation for our big match coming up next week.

[LISA stands, laughs and continues talking not realising that anything is wrong]

That should shut Ms. Galka's fat, catty mouth. She is such a know-it-all, I just can't stand it.

Trudy Walsh

Uh..., you want me to go ahead and turn that mic. off for ya?

[TRUDY switches the mic. off]

Here you go. She's gonna... RUN!

My Nan used to say, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth." I'll be honest. I don't really understand that. But I do understand the principle behind it. Which is more than Gerry does.

Gerry Duncan

Before we get started, I have a few things I need to give you. Shut your eyes. Ready?

[GERRY pulls what appears to be a cuddly mushroom character out of a bag]

TA-DA! Look at that. From Kiera.

[He throws the cuddly toy onto KIERA'S desk]

That was... cool.

This... Vince -

[He pulls a large, carved wooden statue out]

- wow, huh?! Look at that, Vince. What is it?

Vince

A paperweight.

Gerry Duncan

A paperweight! Ahhhh... silly me! Come get this, please. I don't write on two foot by three foot paper either, just so you know. Yeah. I had to bring that to and from my house.

Girl

Sir... what are those?

Gerry Duncan

These are the gifts you gave me last year that I have no use for. So I'm giving them back.

This conversation was ill-advised at best. I mean, there's nothing wrong with Trudy's breasts. They might be a prominent feature but they're always tastefully confined. He's on a hiding to nothing.

Robert Cheeley

Uh, Trudy... can I talk to you for a second? Um... I was wondering if, on the day that the reporter comes, if you could... um, y'know... leave your gal pals at home.

Trudy Walsh

Excuse me?

Robert Cheeley

I wouldn't mind if you could cover yourself up when the reporter's here. So maybe if you could hide your... your shirt sherpas, your protrudys, your, um... blouse beagles... Trudy, your breasts. Hide your breasts!

[Girls passing by in the corridor giggle]

Wayne Leung. He's just so... weird! I mean, in the dictionary under Weird it says, "See Wayne Leung." It does. Really. Well, not in every dictionary, obviously.

Trudy Walsh

What do you want, Wayne?

Wayne Leung

I have a very important package being delivered tomorrow.

Trudy Walsh

That's nice.

Wayne Leung

No. It's not nice. It's very serious and I need to know that I can trust you. That you won't... open it, or... touch it.

Trudy Walsh

Wayne, I have no interest in touching your package.

[She realises what she's just said and begins to laugh]

Touch your package! Sorry!

Bobbi Galka is teaching a self-defence class in the gym. She doesn't take too kindly to Gerry Duncan trying to belittle her in from of her students. Someone is going to get hurt.

Bobbi Galka

Okay. Grab my arm, Mister Duncan.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, boy.

Bobbi Galka

Let's do this.

[GERRY grabs her arm and BOBBI throws him to the floor, straddling him and miming attacking his eyes with her fingers]

EYES, EYES, EYES! Get me off.

[Several STUDENTS begin sniggering at this inadvertent double-entendre]

Gerry Duncan

What?

Bobbi Galka

Try and get me off, Mister Duncan.

Gerry Duncan

You should stop saying that.

Bobbi Galka

[To her STUDENTS]

Mister Duncan can not get me off.

[She stands and adopts a ready stance, strong leg rearward, knees bent, hands in defensive position]

Do me now.

[The STUDENTS continue to giggle]

Gerry Duncan

What?

Bobbi Galka

Do me now.

Gerry Duncan

You need to listen to yourself, right now.

[BOBBI addresses her STUDENTS]

Bobbi Galka

Okay, Mister Duncan's too scared to do me.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, boy!

Bobbi Galka

There are no rules in self-defence, girls. Good bye, Mister Duncan.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah.