29 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Man Down (2013)

PLAY ALL 69 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Naomi is trying to sleep. Dan won't let her. He's lying beside her, eating an apple and discussing the possibility of man one day being able to fart itself off the ground. I know, right?!

Dan

I mean, it would be amazing, wouldn't it? If it was possible. I... I mean just... I'm talking five feet off the ground, you know? Just...

[He begins blowing raspberries]

Oi! Are you listening to me, Naomi? This is serious. This idea could change lives.

Naomi

Please... just let me wake up normally for once.

Dan

Oh, she hasn't been listening to a word, has she? Selfish girl.

Naomi

Yeah, I have.

Dan

What have I been saying, then?

Naomi

You've been wondering about whether a man will ever be able to fart himself into the air.

Dan

Thank you. I mean... obviously it's not that simple. You have to modify the bowel, but... yes I'm... I'm talking about a human hovercraft. I think it is possible.

[He farts]

Yeah! I got some lift from that. That's just from one apple.

It's little wonder Naomi is at the end of her tether. I mean, this is the kind of sh*t she has to tolerate on a daily basis. It's enough to drive a person insane.

Naomi

Dan, my cab's here. At some point today, get a new bulb.

Dan

Yes. Do you listen to me? I've told you. I've ordered a special one on the internet. An environmentally-friendly one. Be patient, it's coming from Korea.

Naomi

Dan... just buy one, from a shop!

Dan

Oh! Oh, well! I am sorry I don't hate the planet as much as you clearly do. I'll chuck our fridge in a canal, shall I? Shall we get a couple of golf clubs and go over to the Galapagos and fu*k a few puffins up?

Jo has just given Dan the equivalent of the plenty more fish in the sea advice and Dan is less than impressed. He's questioning why he turns to his best friend in times of need.

Dan

Why do I come to you for emotional advice? I may as well have held a meowing cat up to my balls.

Quality time with Jo at Bob's Café has come to an abrupt end as Jo is late for her new job. And when she says "job", that may be a slight exaggeration.

Jo

I'm late for my new job!

Dan

Well, hang on. I'll give you a lift. I've got to see my accountant, anyway. I'm getting a mortgage.

Jo

Who's giving you a mortgage?

Dan

Who's given you a fu*king job?!

It's shocking how quickly Dan can venture off the conversational path. One minute he's asking for help with a mortgage application, the next he's discussing his friend's wife's vagina.

Brian

Please. Don't start saying weird stuff, okay? I need to go in.

Dan

I'm serious. I need to talk to you.

Brian

The last time you said that, you asked me which one of the Muppets my wife's vagina most looked like.

Dan

I know. And you said Gonzo. All purple. All messy, thick tufts.

Brian

I did not.

Jo

Gonzo's blue.

Dan

Please...

Jo

Is he blue?

Brian

DANNY!

Jo has been employed as a cleaner (of sorts) but she's convinced her job is to revamp Brian's business. Which, for her, entails daubing Fu*k Da Police on the office wall. Hmm.

Jo

Right, Barbara! Let's tear this place... a new a**hole!

We've all said inappropriate things to co-workers. But in my case, it's been entirely accidental. I wouldn't dream of saying this sort of sh*t to someone I hardly know. Dan, however...

Emma

How's, um... Naomi?

Dan

She's gone.

Emma

Oh, Mister Davies. What are we going to do with you?

Dan

You take me in this cupboard and we could have a go on each other liked coked-up gay teenagers.

Emma

Yes, it's strange she left you.

Dan

Big shock. Big shock.

Jason is on work experience at a local tailors. Mister Davies is visiting the premises to see how his student is getting along. Which, to be honest, is not so well by all accounts.

Tailor

I expect you wanna know how the lad's settling in.

Dan

Yeah.

Tailor

He's a wonderful boy, Mister Davies. I mean, he's useless work-wise. He's thick and he's got what my old mum would call spastic hands.

[DAN spits a mouthful of coffee back into his mug]

I would say that the tailor is unduly prejudiced against certain sexual practices but anyone who wears rubber shorts, owns a plastic fist and frequents bathroom cubicles with glory holes...

Tailor

JASON?! GO AND GET ME A TAPE MEASURE. IT'S THE LONG, YELLOW THING WITH THE MARKS ON IT.

[To DAN]

Oh, he's a good boy. He's normal. He's not into your rubber shorts, your plastic fists, your glory holes. You know what I mean.

Dan

Sort of. Not really.

The tailor has made Dan three pairs of trousers. He's about to try them on in the changing room when he notices that he's accidentally wearing his mother's lacy underwear.

Dan

What the... fu*k?!

Tailor

Is everything all right, Mister Davies?

Dan

It's fine. Don't come in. Don't... don't... DON'T COME IN!

[The TAILOR whips the curtain across and stares in disbelief at the revolting sight before him]

Tailor

Oh, my good GOD!

Dan

No! Seriously...

Tailor

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN! A nonce!

Dan

WHAT?! Oh, no. They're my mum's. They're my mum's!

Tailor

I bet they're your mum's, you stinking TRANNY!

Dan's been reading Slip, Slide... Win Her Back by the esteemed moron R.D. Leibowitz. It should have been called Clutching at Straws because this is NOT how you win back your lover.

Dan

When we split up, you cited several reasons, one of which was we didn't have much fun any more.

Naomi

Well, we didn't in the end, did we?

Dan

What about the helicopter penis dance?

Naomi

What?

Dan

The helicopter penis dance. I did it one night when we came back from the pub and you said it was... and I think I'm quoting here... hilarious.

Naomi

Things like that can't sustain a relationship, Dan.

Dan

Was it funny?

Naomi

Have you been reading that self-help book again?

Dan

Was the helicopter penis dance funny and, as a result, did we have fun?

Naomi

Well, on that isolated occasion, there was an element of fun.

Dan

Thank you!

Emma and Dan have been having a chat outside the drama studio about his obligation to attend departmental meetings. As she walks away, for some reason I'll never understand, he says this.

Dan

Nice ass.

Emma

What?

Dan

Nothing.

Emma

What did you say, Dan?

[Unable to answer, DAN watches EMMA walk away]

Student

That was embarrassing.

Dan

Hey! Jog on, four-eyes!

If you take your car to a garage for repair, it's best to ensure that you have some form of payment with you when it comes time to collect it. Oh and what he says about the Salsa trousers... is true.

Dan

Nightmare. I haven't got any money.

Brian

Oh, for God's sake!

Dan

You've seen these Salsa trousers, Brian. I've barely got room for a c*ck and balls, let alone a wallet.

Brian

Well, I've only got traveller's cheques, so...

Dan has a special relationship with his little niece, Lucy. A relationship that his sister definitely doesn't approve of. And you're about to find out why.

Lucy

UNCLE DAN!

Dan

Oh you horrible little scumbag, I hate you!

Lucy

It's my birthday tomorrow. We're having a party.

Dan

I know. It's going to be rubbish. All right, sis?

Daisy

Hello, Dan.

Lucy

YOU'RE RUBBISH!

Daisy

Uh... Lucy...

Dan

You're rubbish, mate. You can't even drive.

[To DAISY]

She can't.

Lucy

Can we sing the Poo Song?

Daisy

No... you know I don't like that song.

Lucy

Awwwwww!

Dan

Oh! Uh-oh!

[Ignoring DAISY'S protestations, Dan proceeds to perform the song anyway]

♪

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! The hippo was kicked out of the zoo.

Lucy

WHY?

Dan

Because he did a massive poo.

Lucy

WHERE?

Dan

He pooed on a tiger, he pooed on mouse.

He even did a massive poo in the pengiun's mouth.

Lucy

Urrrggghh!

Dan

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! The penguin was angry and he spat the poo right out.

[Makes the sound of a penguin spitting poo out]

Daisy

Uh, yeah. Thank you very much, Dan. That'll do. Lucy, do you wanna go and get your pyjamas on?

Lucy

But I want to stay and play with Uncle Dan.

Daisy

Get going.

Dan

We can play at the party tomorrow, you idiot.

Lucy

We can't! Mum says you're not invited.

Daisy

You know I hate that song.

Dan

Hang on a minute. What does she mean I'm not invited? I thought Mum was joking.

Mum

I wasn't.

Dan

I'm not invited? Why not?

Daisy

Don't make me spell it out, Dan. You in a room full of other peoples' kids, singing about animals sh*tting in each other's mouths?!

If you're looking for a qualified, skilled beautician, I'd suggest you give Jo a miss. She's an absolute nightmare and hasn't got the first clue what she's doing!

Jo

You've got a little bit of a mono-brow going on. However, if we take a bit of weight out of the central growth, it'll really help the shape of your face. I've got something from Mexico... it's a product that will take the whole section out. Wait a sec...

[JO pulls out a large cold-wax strip and applies it to the CUSTOMER'S face, patting it down and then ripping it off, taking her eyebrows off completely]

Holy mother of fu*k!

Dan's lesson is being observed by the parents of a prospective new student. It's just a shame he couldn't be professional if his life depended on it!

Dan

Good morning, everyone.

[The class responds with a distinctly lacklustre "Good morning, Sir."]

Pupil 1

Are you wearing slippers?

Dan

Yes. Yes I am. Now...

Pupil 2

Why are you wearing slippers?

Dan

It doesn't matter.

Pupil 3

Is it something to do with Space Mission, sir?

Dan

No.

Pupil 4

But, surely... slippers would make it difficult to get a sufficient purchase on the space rock?

Dan

SHUT UP! Thank you. It's got nothing to do with Space Mission, everyone. It's a little incident with my neighbour's cat and my shoes.

Pupil 5

Did it poo in them?

Dan

It was just a wee but it's an old cat so... it properly stinks.

Jo has a new "house." And by "house", I obviously mean a tent. At the side of the road. This is Jo we're talking about here, people!

Jo

I wish I knew you were coming round. It's not quite ready yet. It's still a bit of a pigsty.

Dan

Jo?

Jo

Yes?

Dan

Is your new house a tent by the road?

Jo

Yes! Wicked!

Brian

No. Not wicked.

Dan

It is weird, mate.

Brian

Says the cranberry guzzling fu*kwit!

Jo

Hey, listen... I didn't have a house. Now I have a house. Winner!

Brian

It's a tent, you mad b**ch!

My advice to anyone who wants to guzzle down litre after litre of cranberry juice... you might want to invest in some adult nappies (diapers) as it's going to kick the sh*t out of you. Literally.

Naomi

I'm seeing someone.

[Brought on either by the shock or the copious quantities of cranberry juice DAN has been consuming, he farts noisily]

Dan

Well. I... have... shat myself. Apologies. I have had an awful lot of cranberry. And I'm very tired.

Dan is leaving his Mum's house after breakfast for a day teaching aspiring performers the art of performance. He has these lovely parting words for her.

Dan

I'll see you later. Make me some dinner or I'll kill you.

Mum

Ooh! Dan?

Dan

I've gone now, old lady. I'll see you tonight.

Mum

Haven't you got a parents' evening tonight?

Dan

FU*K!

This is not how I remember parents' evenings going when I was a kid. None of my teachers ever dropped the F-Bomb and referred to someone as a "pr**k" to my certain recollection.

Dennis's Mum

Mr. Davies, he loves your lessons. And... since his dad left, he needs happy times.

Dan

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Dennis's Mum

No. Don't be. Good riddance. He was an idiot.

Dan

Oh.

[They both laugh]

Dennis's Mum

There aren't many decent blokes about so you be sure to tell your girlfriend how lucky she is.

Dan

I think her new boyfriend might have something to say about that. Fu*king pr**k!

Dan walks into his bathroom and is shocked to see his dad sitting on his toilet.

Dan

[Screams]

Dan's Dad

Mock date, eh?

Dan

Christ, it stinks in here.

Dan's Dad

Well it's hardly a terrible surprise. I am having a sh*t.

Dan

You've got your own toilet. Stop letting yourself into my flat for a sh*t.

Dan's Dad

Daniel, I had a rack of lamb yesterday. Your mum doesn't want to smell this.

Such a lovely image this conjures up. Any woman who describes her own vajayjay as resembling the exploded remains of a wookie... well, it can't be good, can it?

Jo

I need to get down the salon for an industrial wax. Last time I went, it was like Chewbacca had stood on a landmine.

Shakira works in Bob's Café. No, not that Shakira. A different Shakira. A Shakira dedicated to excellent customer service.

Dan

Ah, Shakira. I shall have a chocolate milkshake and the Eggsmass Special. Very funny, by the way.

Shakira

Get fu*ked!

Is Emma sending subliminal messages in her Christmas card to Dan? Does she like him? Well, Jo certainly thinks so. Brian? He's not so sure.

Jo

She totally likes you!

Dan

Right?!

Brian

Oh, hold your horses.

Jo

To my favourite troublesome teacher? Super flirty.

Brian

Or damning with the faintest of praise depending on which way you look at it.

Dan

All my love? ALL my love?

Jo

Exactly.

Brian

It's a figure of speech.

Jo

You should ask her out, Dan.

Dan

Shall I bring her down here tomorrow lunchtime?

Jo

No. No. Go posh. Go Nandos. I fu*king love chicken.

Brian

Mmmm. Nice chicken dinner. Or, over a period of years, you could convince her that you care about your job. That you're motivated. Thoughtful. Last time I saw you speaking to her, you asked her to go into a boiler room to go halves on a bastard.

Dan has been attacked by a seagull. And to make matters worse, he's producing a Christmas play at the school to impress Emma and it's not going too well.

Brian

Your nose looks sore.

Dan

I think it's infected. I'm not sleeping my... my immunity's right down. And then I'm coming into this... p*ss parade.

Brian

It's coming together.

Dan

It's fu*ked!

Mr. Field-Williams is producing the music for the school play. Sadly he's got wasted on liqueur chocolates and vodka and gone on the rampage with Dan and Co. in hot pursuit.

Vicar

Yes, he has been here. He drank far more than his fair-share of soup then attempted to sell me a toy deer.

Brian

Bastard! Sorry, Vicar.

Dan

He's out of CONTROL!

Vicar

That's not the worst of it, I'm afraid. When I declined, he took out his frustrations on one of our pastoral paintings.

Dan

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, OH! It's all about you, isn't it? Where is he?

Stanley

He said he was going to have it with a hooker, three times wrong.

Vicar

Stanley, please!

Stanley

Sorry, vicar.

Vicar

He said he was going to have it with a hooker, three times wrong.

This is the weirdest will reading I've ever heard. Who leaves this as their last will and testament? I mean, as Jo would said, "Holy mother of fu*k!"

Solicitor

I, Richard Davies, being of sound mind do make this my will and final testament. My darling wife, Polly... you are a wonderful woman and to you I leave my share of the house and all of my savings. In addition, I ask this: Please move on. Find a man. Someone who will give you what you so desperately need. A man with real girth. You know what I'm talking about, you naughty pussycat. You need lots of cream. Like all pussycats do.

Someone really should wash Shakira's mouth out with soap. Not that Shakira, obviously. Not the songstress. No. This Shakira. The one who works in the café.

Dan

Looking forward to Christmas, Shakira?

Shakira

Go sh*t off a rope swing.

Wandering around a village with a bell around your neck was what they used to make the village idiot do. It's not a compliment, Jo. She's mocking your intellect. FFS.

Nesta

Come on, crazy girl. Show me what you've done to my tree. You're very lucky, you know. In my day you would have been wandering around a village with a bell around your neck.

Jo

Oh. Thank you!