16 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Man Down (2013)

PLAY ALL 69 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Emma is taking a load of kids on a school trip. Dan has run over to speak to her before she departs and he's inexplicably out of breath. Karen, his student nemesis, has noticed.

Emma

I would say come with us but there are a lot of hills.

Dan

Ahhh...

Karen

It's be awful if you had a massive, fatal heart attack.

Dan

What's your, um... nan wearing today? Just 'cos... well, you've got her clothes, so...

Karen

Pr**k!

Emma

Yep, that's enough, thank you. Get on the bus, you lot.

As we get older, we put on a few pounds and grow hairs in places we didn't even know supported hair growth. But we don't discuss this with our friends. Dan, however, can't help himself.

Dan

[Whispering conspiratorially to Brian]

Do you know what my body looks like these days? It looks like an inbred toddler has picked the pastry off a pork pie and squeezed the meat into what he thinks is the shape of a man.

Shakira. She's brutally honest and just a little bit psychotic. Not the sort of person, therefore, I'd turn to in order to ask a personal question like this one.

Dan

Shakira, do you think I'm fat?

Shakira

As fu*k.

Dan is on a date with the shy but somehow beguiling Lotti. She's a dark horse. Especially when it comes to her nocturnal preferences. If you catch my drift...

Dan

Look at me. You're not into this, are you? I mean, how would I know? I don't know what you're into. You never say but... you're not into this.

Lotti

I would tell you what I was into, but... you never shut up! You silly, lovely man.

Dan

Oh. Lotti?

Lotti

Yes, Dan?

Dan

What are you into?

[Cut to INT: bedroom. LOTTI is riding DAN like a disobedient pony and it becomes very obvious that what she's into involves role play. Specifically, DAN being a greengrocer on a market stall]

Lotti

THAT'S IT! PUT THEM IN THE FU*KING BAG! Oh. Oh. Spin them.

Dan

What?

Lotti

SPIN THEM!

Dan

What?

[DAN spins a paper bag containing some apples closed as LOTTI continues to ride him]

Lotti

FU*K, YES! How much are they?

Dan

I don't know.

Lotti

How... much are your FU*KING APPLES?!

Dan

50p a pound?

Lotti

Oh. Sell them to me.

Dan

APPLES! 50p A POUND!

Lotti

PROPERLY!

Dan

APPLES! GET YER APPLES!

Lotti

FU*K ME! FU*K ME, MARKET BOY! YOU DIRTY, WORKING-CLASS BASTARD!

Dan

I'M NOT INTO THIS!

Dan Davies has devised a play about community and he and his students are rehearsing a scene.

Dan

Right. Concentrate. Go.

[ROBIN begins to play out the scene]

Hello there!

Robin

Hello!

[BOY farts loudly]

Dan

ROBIN!

Dennis

He always sh*ts himself in school plays.

Robin

Only if I have lines. I never shat myself when I was the donkey in the nativity.

Dan

Just go to the toilet.

I don't have words to describe what you're about to hear. Let's just say that Brian is a big hit with Polly and Nesta and they shower him with love the likes of which Dan has never known.

Polly

Oh look! You can get your name on a piece of rice.

Nesta

Brian. Would you like your name on a piece of rice? My treat.

Brian

I couldn't, Auntie. I can... call you Auntie?

Nesta

You can call me anything you want, dear boy. If you were thirsty, I would happily wet-nurse you. If these wells weren't so very dry.

Dan is in trouble. Again. This time a complaint has been made that he has acted in a homophobic manner. During an exam. Which is all about to make perfect sense. If you're Dan, that is.

Emma

What did you do while you were invigilating the science GCSE exam last week?

Dan

Nothing, I mean... had a couple of games of Camp Aisle.

Emma

Right. What's Camp Aisle?

Dan

You know... Camp Aisle. Me and Dave from English invented it. You take it in turns to m -

Emma

Mince up and down between the rows of desks in an incrementally camp manner whilst stifling giggles.

Dan

It's not just me.

Emma

Well, you were the one who was seen.

Dan

That's because I'm the best!

Emma

It's offensive. And it's offended the gay... person who's complained.

Dan

WHAT?! June Telford from Science? She's not gay. "The sixties were a c*ck-harvest, Dan." Her words.

Emma

It's a pupil.

Dan

There's a gay kid in year ten? Brilliant! Who is it?

Emma

I won't be naming names.

Dan

Well, do they do drama?

Emma

No.

Dan

Well, why not? I need those guys.

Emma

WHAT?

Dan

Come on... gays improve plays.

Emma

You haven't got a clue, have you?

Again, I'm not sure how to describe this clip except to say that it's the stuff nightmares are made of. Just be glad you've not got the corresponding visuals.

Emma

I can't keep covering your ass, Dan. He doesn't like the arts. He's made that clear. You need to add some serious value to your department. Do you know what that means?

Dan

Yes, I know what that means. It means letting the new Head tea-bag me.

[DAN performs a frankly hideous mime which suggests the Headteacher's balls are in his mouth]

Hello new Head! Ooh, let's get these all squeaky clean. Are you waxing these? They're very soft.

[He notices that EMMA is understandably repulsed]

Dan

I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. I'm very tired.

Nesta has outstayed her welcome. At least in Dan's eyes. She's an overbearing character who makes life very difficult for him.

Dan

How long is she staying? It's been three months. Should you not be back at the farm, randomly executing wildlife?

Nesta

The boy's hysterical. Leave him to me, Polly. Right. Come here, boy.

Dan

What?

Nesta

COME!

[DAN, reverting to childhood, obediently shuffles towards NESTA]

Now, Daniel... you throw a bucket of water over a lesbian... she'll be shocked for a moment. And then an hour later, she'll be back... scissoring one of her short-haired friends and why shouldn't she be? You take my point?

Dan

No!

You can always rely on Karen to say it as it is. She might be a child but she doesn't hold back when it comes to her hatred for Mr. Davies.

Karen

Why would I take this bullsh*t when I'm in the top stream for everything else?

Dan

Oh, itchy chin you are 'cos you've got a pushy mum.

Karen

Who think's you're a nob!

["Itchy Chin!" was a saying, popularised in UK schools in the 1990's used (along with a corresponding hand gesture) to express disbelief, especially when someone made an outrageous or unbelievable assertion]

The Raleigh Chopper and the Raleigh Grifter. I had both when I was a boy. And I loved them. I do, however, realise that riding either of them now would make me look fu*king ridiculous. So I don't.

Dan

This is what it's all about, Dennis. Days of yore. Just two kids on classic bikes.

[He spots two TEENAGERS at a bus stop]

Hey! OGGY, OGGY, OGGY!

Teen

GET FU*KED, YOU PAEDO!

I should mention that Dan has temporarily fostered young Dennis which is why they are on a road-trip on their classic bikes. Brian has come along for the ride. And he's the sensible one.

Brian

A pushbike isn't designed for extreme hill descent. If you'd spent a little more time listening in physics lessons and a little less time drawing pictures of Yogi Bear fellating himself, you might have known that.

Dennis

What's that?

Dan

At last! Some innocence! You'll find out about all that in good time, you cheeky young scamp.

Dennis

I know what that is, for fu*k's sake! What the hell's Yogi Bear?

Dan

See what I mean? It's a ruined generation.

Dennis

It's a bored one!

Jo is getting married. To a weirdo who lives in the woods and probably has carnal knowledge of his own sister. Yeah. THAT sort of wedding. Still, Jo has selected her Chief Bridesmaid in readiness.

Jo

Ahhh! The Chief Bridesmaid.

Dan

Bloody hell! Do I have to do that bit in the speech where I say how nice they look?

Shakira

Suck my d*ck!

By popular demand, here is a slightly cut-down version of the Man Down theme. Perfect as a ringtone. You're welcome.

♪ [Man Down theme] ♪

It's the stag do (Bachelor Party) and Dan is going up against Nesta in a shove a pie in your face competition. No. I don't understand, either. This is NOT a tradition.

[NESTA slams a pie into her face and the groomsmen go wild]

Man

Apple pie buffet. Two up!

Brian

Guys... I don't want to come across as old-fashioned but why don't we go and get a nice steak dinner, toast the groom and get an early night?

Groom

Why are you both trying to ruin the boy's night?

[The crowd boo loudly]

Dan

All right. You want me to push a pie into my own face do you, you fu*king bread-munchers. Fine. I can do that. So...

[DAN shoves the pie into his face which is approximately when he first notices that it's filled with piping hot jam. He screams]

Oh, FU*K that burns!

Man

HE'S GOT THE HOT JAM!

[The crowd cheer loudly whilst Dan continues to scream]

There is a roadblock standing between Dan, Jo, Brian and the wedding venue. And the roadblock is manned by men wearing balaclavas who say they're terrorists. No. They're just window-licking weirdos.

Man 1

YOU DON'T TELL THE IRA TO FU*K OFF!

Brian

Okay, that's it. I was being polite but if you're going to mix up your paramilitary organisations, I'm stepping in. The IRA ceased operations after the peace agreement and they certainly didn't do fatwas.

Man 1

We might be the Taliban.

Man 2

Or we may be the PTA.

Brian

What's THAT?!

Dan

It's the Parents Teachers Association. I mean, they're a**holes but they've never resorted to sectarian violence!