13 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Man Down (2013)

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Since leaving the school he's hated teaching at for so long, Dan has become at one with the land. No, he's not a hippy. But he IS working on a farm for £3.50 an hour.

Ally

He said there might be something coming up at the school for you.

Dan

Never. I'm not going back. I'm at one with the land.

Ally

Are you at one with £2.50 an hour?

Dan

£3.50 an hour, cash in hand. And, anyway, I've worked out a system. I pretend I'm planting that bag of seeds over there and when the boss isn't looking, I hoy 'em in that chicken shed. And I let those despicable feathered c*nts gobble up the evidence.

Ally

Impressive!

There are certain words in the English language which should NEVER be put together. Crab and Yoghurt for example. Oh and Venison and Bukkake.

Nesta

But you know, I don't think this deal with Emma is done yet, Daniel. When the doe has the seed of one stag, it doesn't mean to say she'll stay with him for life. In fact, if anything, she'll howl for the rest of them to make sure the job is done properly. A sort of... venison bukkake and she's the star.

Dan

Yes. Thank you, Nesta.

Emma and Dan have had a baby. Well, to be precise, Emma has had a baby. It just so happens that the person who provided the sperm was Dan. That's about the level of it.

Emma

Pile cream?

Dan

Pile cream.

Emma

Why have you bought me pile cream?

Dan

Ally from school said that sometimes when you're pregnant you get piles.

Emma

Well, I haven't.

Dan

You sure? Have you checked? 'Cos she said her downstairs is like a -

Emma

Dan!

Dan

- smashed up plum crumble.

Emma

[Reacts the way any normal human being would react to that mental image]

Dan

I'm sorry. I had that cued up.

Jo has been rifling through bins. Garbage. She thinks that it's the key to her fortune. Brian is somewhat more realistic.

Jo

Brian. Look at all this stuff I got for free.

Brian

Jo, we need to talk.

Jo

I can't believe I never thought of it before. Why would you get a boring job when you get all this stuff just scattered around for free?

Brian

I'll tell you why. Because you're not a fu*king womble.

Jo

Why are you so angry?

[Turning to SHAKIRA]

Shakira? I don't use money any more. What've you got for free?

Shakira

Fu*k all.

Brian

Well said!

Dan needs to find his childhood teddy bear in order to pass him down to his own son. For some reason, this is not only vital but also urgent. No. We're not sure why, either.

Dan

My God.

Brian

You always were a deluded idiot.

Dan

You can read it for yourself, you seventies catalogue model.

Brian

Oh, grow up. Both of you, grow up!

Dan

Brian?

Jo

What's wrong with him?

Shakira

He needs a fu*k. A good, hard fu*k.

Josephine. Not the kind of girl you'd want to take home to meet your parents. I get the feeling she'd fart at the table and stuff a bread roll up your dog's ass.

Dan

All I'm saying is, some of you might become parents one day.

Josephine

No way! I'd get rid.

Dilal

Who'd bang YOU?!

Josephine

Your dad has!

[JOSEPHINE then farts - possibly the least lady-like sound I've ever heard]

JACKPOT!

Dan, like every new father, wants the world to see his miraculous off-spring. Shakira, however, is not a woman for whom photos or videos of babies hold any kind of appeal.

Dan

Shakira. Would you be interested in seeing a video of my new baby?

Shakira

Would you be interested in seeing one of me p*ssing in a bin?

Dan

I see.

Prefixing certain sentences with the words, "I hope this is acceptable..." doesn't make them so. As the awkward silence afterwards makes all too clear.

Mr. Lipsey

Where's that little smasher?

Dan

Hello!

Mrs. Lipsey

Hello, little Lipsey. He's adorable!

Emma

He's pretty special.

Dan

Yeah. He's a one-off. And I hope this is appropriate but he's got a lovely penis.

The Health Visitor is running through her checklist with Emma. It's a horrifying list of symptoms as any parent will gladly tell you.

Health Visitor

And have you got bad nipples?

Emma

Sore nipples.

Health Visitor

[Making notes]

Bad... nipples. Low mood?

Emma

Well, now and again I feel a bit -

Health Visitor

Constipation?

Emma

A little.

Health Visitor

Vaginal itching?

Dan

Only when she senses danger.

Health Visitor

Insomnia? Poor appetite, breast tenderness, perineal pain?

Emma

Yes.

Health Visitor

Well, that all sounds pretty standard. Now... methinks Mummy... needs baby... to have a Daddy day!

Dan

You mean... me have him? For the day on my own?

Health Visitor

Well, yes!

Emma

No. He's got work.

Dan

I'll get Ally to cover.

Emma

But you've not had him on your own yet.

Dan

I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

Emma

It's not a good time for it. We've got his christening. I want to make sure his gown fits -

Health Visitor

You need... a break!

Emma

I'm fine. Honestly, I don't want a break. Or want a break. You don't understand, he's a fu*king idiot!

Health Visitor

And three, two, one...

[EMMA has fallen asleep and is snoring loudly]

To avoid any confusion, Dan's son is known by the nickname Simon Bridges because, well, that's what Polly calls him. And now Jo, apparently.

Jo

Dan! And you've got Simon Bridges with you.

Dan

Well, you're not going to believe this. When I look at him, he turns away. My first day with him and he won't even look at me.

Brian

Please. Tell me you haven't got a persecution complex about a baby.

Jo

You see? He's right.

Dan

RIGHT?! This is bloody typical. When I was a kid, I pestered mum and dad for a dog that I could go on adventures with. Did it like being stroked? No. Did it fetch a stick? Did it fu*k!

The Dudley Lullaby is not a lullaby. Anyone who sings something like this to a baby needs locking up, quite frankly. But it does explain why Dan is the way he is, perhaps.

[NESTA comes into the room carrying a ukulele which she strums a chord on]

Dan

What the fu*k is that?

Nesta

Your favourite when you were a bairn, boy... the Dudley Lullaby.

Dan

The what?

Polly

He doesn't even remember it, Nesta. Well, listen up, Daniel, and then you and the baby will have something of your very own. You can serenade him for the rest of the day. That'll do it.

♪

Nesta

Oh you are a filthy sod,

Mucky as tar and caked in clod,

When uncle hears of your sins to God,

He'll kick you down the stairs.

Nae supper for you till your chores are done,

No bread or dripping for you, my son,

For uncle wants you light as a crumb,

When he kicks you down the stairs.

♪

Dan

Jesus Christ! Is that what you used to sing to me? No wonder my life's utter sh*t!

♪

Nesta

Your arm will break and your shin will too,

Your bladder will burst like a popped balloon,

Your head will split and you'll be through,

When he kicks you down the stairs.

♪

Dan finally has a flat of his very own. It's time to move out of his mother's house and start life anew. Exciting times. The things he now has to look forward to...

Dan

Ta-da!

Jo

You got it?

Dan

Yeah. One new flat. To live in on my own. I can't wait to p*ss myself on my birthday.

Jo

Yay!

Brian

I'm sure Emma'll get in touch again soon. You'll see the boy again in no time.

Jo

Yeah. You've done nothing wrong.

Dan

No. I mean, because of me he did suckle on another woman's teat and ride across the park on the back of a dog. And at his christening, I got an exhausting boner.

Jo

Oh yeah.

Dan

Yeah. Oh God, life is long.

[SHAKIRA approaches the table carrying a plate of food]

Shakira

Sorry about the gloves. I've got the sh*ts.

Things didn't work out between Polly and her new boyfriend. Because he was a sinister, free-loading, nasty little man who needed a good, hard kick in the pods.

[POLLY kicks DAEDALUS in the balls and he crumples to the floor clutching his ruined genitalia]

Polly

Stay away... from my fu*king family, B**CH!

[DAEDALUS coughs pitifully]