18 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Cuckoo (2012)

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Cuckoo and Rachel are making love rather too noisily in an adjoining bedroom and, not surprisingly, Ken isn't overly thrilled about hearing his daughter getting banged like a door during an argument.

Ken

Am I allowed to go and stop them? Is that allowed?

Lorna

Come on, Ken. She's married! Remember when you and I were like this? I mean, not exactly like this... it never lasted anything like this long!

Ken

[Huffily turning over in bed]

Good night!

In an effort to bond with his wayward son-in-law, Ken takes him to a local beauty spot to discuss the past, the present and the future. A great idea. Shame it doesn't work.

Ken

My late father used to bring me up here, you know in the, uh... 80's. He was old-school left, you know? Proper Black Country. Me? I was one of those New Romantics. Surprised you, huh? Yeah, I had it all. The long hair, painted finger-nails.

Cuckoo

Can I stop you there, Ken? You're not holding my attention.

Ken

Oh. I just meant it's very beautiful up here, isn't it? I mean... I've done a lot of thinking up here.

Cuckoo

Yeah. I guess it's just a question of perspective though, right? Because when you've spent two months yak-trekking through the Himalayas, places like this just look a bit... sh*t!

Lorna has bought Dylan a new phone. He's besotted with it. What he doesn't realise is that it comes at a price. Lorna wants him to swap rooms with his sister.

Dylan

It is just... beautiful. I keep pinching myself. Thanks, Mum.

Lorna

You've thanked me already, Dilly.

Dylan

I know but... I'm just... I'm always so locked up in my head with these thoughts of existence and sh*t and... you still look after me and... give me cool stuff. I really love you, Mum.

Lorna

[Hugging DYLAN, much to RACHEL'S displeasure]

You silly Dilly woo-woo! I need you and Rachel to swap rooms.

Dylan

You're fu*king sh*tting me!

Lorna

It's only a room, Dylan.

Dylan

It's my room. I've worked on it. It's got... ambience.

Rachel

Is ambience a new word for smells of wa*k?

Dylan

I don't wa*k! I don't! Mum... I have never wa*ked!

Lorna

Of course you haven't, Dilly.

Similes can be useful. But only if you choose a suitable one. And comparing anything to sexual assault is not going to win friends and influence people.

Ken

You have brought a man I have never met before into my house. He's never going to leave. He expects me to pay his way. By comparison with that, what I did is not interfering. It is like... a gentle grope. Or... if what I have done is interfering, then what you have done is like... a rape! You have... raped your mother and me.

Lorna

Rachel, ignore your father. You haven't raped me!

Siblings. Some love each other. Some support each other. Some tolerate each other. And some are like Dylan.

Lorna

Ken! Why are you sitting in the dark?

Dylan

This Cuckoo guy is ruining everything. Why can't we just pay him off? Send him back to Thailand

Lorna

Dylan! He's Rachel's husband and we all... love him.

Dylan

Why does he wanna be here, anyway? Living with you two and married to Rachel who, I don't want to be rude, but is a massive dog!

In times of need, you can always rely on your siblings for support, right? Er, no. Not if you're Rachel, you can't.

Lorna

Is that a bonfire in the garden?

Ken

Cuckoo left some of his stuff. I couldn't leave it hanging around... Rachel would find it too painful. It'll be all right, love.

Rchel

I won't.

Ken

You will.

Rachel

I won't!

Dylan

She might not be.

Lorna

Dylan!

Dylan

No, well... I'm just saying. She's been married now. Kind of used goods. If we lived in a Muslim state, we'd probably have to stone her.

A family meeting has been called because Cuckoo isn't happy with the proliferation of books detailing the rise and fall of the Nazi party in Ken's study.

Ken

Right. The big vote. So... who votes I get to keep my books in my study?

Dylan

I do!

[LORNA and then KEN also raise their hands]

Ken

Ah! Looks like that's carried. Thanks then, everyone.

Cuckoo

Well, congratulations, Ken. You won and I lost. But... democracy won so, in a way, we both won.

Ken

But you lost.

Cuckoo

No. We both won.

Ken

But you lost!

Cuckoo

Come on! We both won.

Ken

Uhhhh... you lost.

[They both laugh]

Cuckoo

Okay... we both won. Bring it in.

[Rather than hug CUCKOO, KEN begins to leave the room]

Ken

You lost.

Ken has been called into school because Dylan has been involved in a fight with another boy. Dylan isn't remorseful in the slightest. He's earned bragging rights and he's sure as sh*t going to do it.

Headteacher

So, Dylan. We should hear your side of the story.

Dylan

Yeah, no problem. Basically, Neil was being a massive twat. Turns out he's not as hard as he makes out and I battered him.

Ken

[Whispering]

Shut up, Dylan!

Dylan

I did, Dad. I really whooped him.

Nina

Oh, God!

Dylan

I handed him his ass on a plate!

It's Tony's birthday. Ken has bought his father-in-law a book he knows he'll love.

Ken

The Complete History of the Sheffield Steel Industry. Your old dad is going to wet himself.

[He notices LORNA'S troubled look]

Oh not like that time. In a good way!

Ken woke Dylan up an hour ago but, typically for a teenager, he's still languishing in bed. Which means they could be late to visit his grandad on his birthday.

Ken

Dylan! I woke you up over an hour ago!

Dylan

I'm not going. Charlotte Brown's having a party with an indoor pool.

Ken

Dylan.

Dylan

Old boring man... pool full of fanny. Deal with it.

When your wife's grandfather asks you if you love her, there are acceptable responses. This, for the record, is not an acceptable response.

Tony

So, you're the bloke who married my little princess. Do you love her, Cuckoo?

Cuckoo

So fu*king much, Tony. I mean, Rachel... is my goddess. Her body is a temple within which I worship three times a day. Bare minimum. Sometimes as many as seven. Depending. You get a little tuckered out, don't you?

Cuckoo has convinced Tony that his late wife has returned to him in the form of a cat. Ken is... incredulous to say the least.

Tony

She's come back to me, Ken. Debra's come back to me. In the form of a cat.

Cuckoo

I did it!

Ken

For fu*k's sake!

Saying cruel things to your sibling is not something to which Dylan has exclusive rights. Rachel can be just as cutting, given half a chance.

Ken

I don't believe you two. Rachel... you've read The God Delusion. Lorna... I told you all about it. At length. This is basically paganism. What are we going to do next? Sacrifice Dylan?

Dylan

What? Why me?

Rachel

Because you're a massive virgin.

Not even Simon Cowell is this direct on American Idol or The X-Factor. If he were, there'd be a lot less mediocre singers chancing their arm on fame, I can tell you!

Connie

I sounded good in there. Maybe I should have a look at singing, again.

Steve

Darling, you cannot sing. You sound like an elephant fu*king an owl.

If you're going to buy a meaningful gift for your partner, it's best to make sure you're buying it for the right partner. As Lorna is about to discover at great cost.

Lorna

It's just a little present to say sorry for forgetting about the anniversary and everything.

Ken

Oh, Lorn!

[KEN unwraps the present to find that it's an Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt]

Lorna

It's Ozzy!

Ken

I know! Wow! No. I don't understand.

Lorna

You remember... that night down by the canal. You know... and I was... doing my thing and a guy walked past and saw us and he looked like Ozzy Osbourne. We were like, ha ha ha! It was the night the Berlin wall fell. I remember because you were really pleased.

Ken

The night the Berlin wall fell?

Lorna

Yeah. When was it? '92? '93?

Ken

'89.

Lorna

You silly... we hadn't even met in 1989.

[There's an awkward pause]

Oh sh*t!

Ken

Good night!

After their tiff, Connie has moved in with the Thompson's. But it's a little crowded. So Ken needs Steve to make amends. To patch things up. To take his wife back.

Ken

You have to tell Connie you respect her singing.

Steve

Never! Well, you don't know what it's like. In the early stages of marriage, she sang in the kitchen, she sang in the shower... she was like a sh*t stereo giving me less and less intercourse.

["Intercourse" may be the scientific name for making love but if it's used to describe something you do with the love of your life, you need to pack that sh*t in!]

A very drunk and belligerent Steve is plotting revenge on Cuckoo for what he sees as a deliberate wrecking of his marriage to Connie.

Steve

The guy I really blame for this is Cuckoo. I mean, he started it all. And you. You've been weak.

Ken

Me?

Steve

Yeah. If my son-in-law went around playing the wally, breaking up my friends' marriages, I'd give him a Morote Seoi-nage.

Ken

A what?

Steve

It's a judo move. Two-armed shoulder throw. I'll show you...

[He goes to grab KEN by the lapel and KEN slaps his hand away]

Ken

Get off me, you bell-end!

We all remember losing our virginity but to lose it on your brother-in-law to-be's stag do with a prostitute... well, it's not exactly something to be proud of, is it? Unless you're Dylan, of course.

Lorna

Well, you gave me a fright. Sounds like you've had a big one.

Ken & Cuckoo

Pretty big one, yeah. We went to Liverpool.

Lorna

Where's Dylan?

Ken

Dylan! Dylan!

[Right on cue, DYLAN walks through the front door]

Lorna

Oh... hello, love. Have you had fun?

Dylan

Well, last night I lost my virginity to a very nice lady who I think might have been a prostitute.