13 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Cuckoo (2012)

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Statistically speaking, in your twenties, you're far more likely to say something that will, eventually, come back to bite you on the ass. As Ken is about to find out.

Lorna

Rachel moving out, Dylan going to university... in a year, there'll be just the two of us.

Ken

I can't wait. Finally, some peace and quiet!

Lorna

Actually, I did want to talk to you. There's, uh... something we always said we'd do. A promise you made to me before we got married.

Ken

Oh yeah? What did I promise?

Lorna

To get a vasectomy.

Ken

What?!

Lorna

Back in '92 when you had long hair. You said it was unfair that women had to take all the responsibility for birth control. Such a caring, thoughtful thing to say.

Ken

Yeah. What a thoughtful, caring boy I was. In my twenties!

Lorna

Come on... it's not like we're going to have any more kids.

Ken

Well, maybe there's a gesture you could make in return?

Lorna

Is this that disgusting fantasy you mentioned last May?

Ken

Yes it is.

Lorna

Deal.

[KEN pulls the front of his pyjama shorts outwards and addresses his testicles]

Ken

And thus, my hairy friends, you fate is sealed!

Ken is about to meet Dale for the first time. But there's been a massive mix-up. Ken is not who Dale thinks he is.

Ken

Hello!

Dale

Sir. You are my father.

Ken

No, I'm not.

Lorna

KEN!

Dale

No. It's you. Twenty-one years ago when you were thirteen, your family went on a vacation to an ashram, deep in the Indian jungle. There, you encountered my thirty-eight year-old mother. You were drawn to each other like hot-blooded tigers and consummated your passion in a tent next to the mountain. I am the fruit of that love-making. Behold, father! It is I... your son.

Lorna

Ken... I did not know any of this.

Ken

Lorna, twenty-one years ago, you and I bought our first flat. I think you might have noticed if, in between decorating, I'd have dressed as a thirteen year-old boy and sneaked off to India!

Lying to your one true love about getting a vasectomy is despicable. But to continue that lie to claim a sexual reward you don't deserve? Deplorable. Abhorrent. But very Ken.

Lorna

Weird, isn't it? Just as you got the snip, put fatherhood behind you, you sort of... become a father again.

Ken

Actually, Lorn, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Lorna

And I... have been meaning to give you your reward. This is a one-off, okay? Absolutely never to be repeated.

Ken

I should probably tell you this first -

[LORNA appears and leans seductively on the frame of the bathroom door dressed in very little]

- let's make love immediately.

Lorna

What was it you wanted to say?

Ken

Nothing to say, nothing to admit, let's do this. I'm good to go here!

Ken is suffering a dinner party at the home of Steve, Connie and Pepe (her strange, mute lover), and sneaks off to the bathroom just to get away from the stilted conversation and palpable atmosphere.

[KEN knocks on the bathroom door]

Ken

Dylan, out. Now.

[DYLAN opens the door just wide enough to whisper to his father]

Dylan

Wait ten more minutes.

Ken

I don't see why. You don't appear to be using the toilet.

Dylan

Oi, come on... I'm close to a breakthrough here. Man solidarity. Hold it in.

Ken

Out!

[As the door swings fully open, the reason for Dylan's excessive bathroom time becomes apparent]

Zoe

Ken.

Ken

Oh, hello, Zoe!

Dylan

You are going to hate the nursing home I stick you in.

Ken

Oooh, scared!

[Whispering to himself]

I must increase my pension contributions.

[Cut to EXT: a street, KEN driving DYLAN in the family Volvo]

Dylan

So, Dad... when are you going to buy me a car for getting into university?

Ken

This isn't an American film, Dylan. I'm never going to buy you a car. If I had money to buy you a car, I'd buy me a car.

Dylan

You are so ungrateful. How do you even sleep at night? Jesus!

[DYLAN takes off his seatbelt and prepares to exit the vehicle slightly prematurely]

Ken

Uh, don't get out here. It's dangerous, Dylan!

Dylan

I don't want my mates to know you're my dad.

[To maximise DYLAN'S embarrassment, KEN gets out of the car and shouts after him as he walks into school]

Ken

GOOD BYE, SON! HAVE A NICE DAY, MY BOY! HEY, EVERYBODY! THAT'S MY SON. DYLAN THOMPSON. HE LOVES ME! AND I LOVE HIM!

[Under his breath]

Little pr**k!

It's morning. Ben is spooning Rachel. All is well. Well, nearly everything. There's an uninvited guest in their bed. Who happens to be spooning Ben.

Ben

Morning!

Rachel

Morning!

Dale

Good morning! Yay, it's sunny outside.

Rachel

Dale, what are you doing?

Dale

I got really cold during the night and you guys were so warm and snuggly.

Ben

Are you... naked?

Dale

Yeah. I always sleep naked.

Ben

Your penis is on my leg.

[DALE reaches down to tame the errant trespasser]

Dale

Got it!

For Dale, respecting privacy means entering a room with his eyes closed. Oh and he's really awful at keeping secrets. It's like he has Truth Tourette Syndrome or something.

Dale

Forgive my intrusion, Chief Ken. I am entering the room.

Ken

Oh, Dale... what are you doing?

Dale

I'm respecting your privacy. May I have the screwdriver we got at B&Q today? I'm gonna fix the kitchen lights.

Ken

You can open your eyes now, Dale.

Lorna

And when you're done, if you're hungry, there's some lasagne in the fridge.

Dale

Thank you but I'm okay. Me and Ken had a triple shawarma with everything. Onions, chilli sauce, huge bag of fries. I couldn't finish mine but old hollow-legs over here, he had 'em both.

Lorna

Ken, you didn't have a kebab?

Ken

No.

Dale

Two of 'em.

Lorna

You're supposed to be on a diet. You looked me in the eye and promised me you'd eat healthily.

Ken

I had salad with it.

Dale

And the Snickers!

Steve lives with his estranged wife and her new South American lover, Pepe. That rates pretty high on the "awkward scale". Just imagine going to a dinner party at their house. Jesus!

Connie

So... what do you make of this, Lorn?

Lorna

Lovely. I don't know much about wine but, um... it's very fruity. And also... red!

[They all laugh]

Connie

It's from Southern Chile. It's typically South American...

[She gazes at PEPE as she reels off the wine's characteristics]

Full-bodied, passionate... dangerous.

Steve

It's also work-shy with no sense of personal hygiene.

Remember how Ken lied about having a vasectomy? Well, Steve (who was going to perform the procedure) is happy to keep the secret. But he may one day ask a favour in return.

Ken

[Noticing STEVE loom up from the back seat of the car]

BLOODY HELL!

Steve

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we'd lie about having a vasectomy.

Ken

It wasn't a lie, it was a... temporary departure from the truth.

Steve

So, you're going to tell Lorna, are you?

Ken

I just need to find the right time, that's all. Until I do, please don't say anything.

Steve

Ken my friend, I will do you this favour. But one day, and that day may never come, I will call on you for a favour in return.

[It appears that STEVE is exiting the vehicle but at the last moment, he returns]

I need a favour.

Ken

Oh for fu*k's sake!

The favour that Steve needs is for Ken to represent him at a General Medical Council tribunal. The odds are not stacked in his favour, however.

Ken

It says here you left a foreign object inside a patient during an operation.

Steve

It was a pair of cufflinks. One pair! I am not apologising for the way I dress.

Ken

It's still a very serious accusation. Is it true?

Steve

How would I know? I was drunk.

Dale doesn't deal with death too well. Perhaps he never had a pet as a child. But when a man he hardly knew passes away his reaction is... well, dramatic to say the least.

Dale

I just... I thought I heard you say that Doctor Rafferty had died.

Ken

Yeah. I did say that. He's dead.

[DALE makes a sound like a mewling cat and snaps the handle of the mop he's holding]

Lorna

Oh, Dale! What's wrong?

Dale

How can the world... be so CRUEL? DOCTOR RAFFERTY... WHY?!

Ken

Oh, come on! You only met him for five minutes. I've had longer relationships with a Cornish Pasty!

A more shameless attempt to get into a girl's panties I have never heard. Dylan should be ashamed of himself. Thing is, this actually worked. I weep for the future!

Dylan

So, I'm just saying that if God is cruel enough to take your great uncle away from you, then maybe you shouldn't be obeying his laws?

Chastity

Yeah but, Dylan, it's because we don't understand God that we have to have faith that he has a plan for us.

Dylan

Yeah, there's that but maybe God's plan was for you to meet me at this funeral. Because, I mean... he is pretty clever when it comes to things like that, you know, being God. So... in a way, if you don't cop off with me, you are kind of disobeying Jesus.

When Ken swaps his copy of A Vindication of Natural Society for A History of Genocide, he can't possibly know the ramifications for Doctor Rafferty's family at his funeral.

Minister

Please, be seated. We all remember Shamus as a great man. Kind, loving... there is someone here who knew him in a different way to the rest of us. And the family would like to invite him now to read a short but immensely uplifting passage from the book that Doctor Rafferty was reading when he died.

[DALE steps forwards and begins to read from a book]

Dale

Clouds of acrid smoke that smelled of burning human flesh rose above the Khmer Rouge labour camps, sometimes forming a poisonous rain which covered the starving workers in the remains of their families. Over three-million Cambodians were tortured and executed. The mass graves were overfilled. Mutilated limbs protruded from the soil causing diseases such as Typhoid, Cholera and plague. In the North, there were reports that some soldiers raped the corpses.

[The mourners gasp in horror]

Thank you.

I think Dylan has just blown any chance he might have had of going the distance with Zoe. Insulting her mother is not the best way to secure romance with her daughter.

Dylan

Hi, excuse me Mrs. Chance. Sorry to interrupt. Any idea where Zoe is?

Connie

Yes. She's gone out with her boyfriend.

Dylan

Yeah, that's not possible. I'm her boyfriend.

Connie

Clearly not. Zoe's moved on. Can I suggest you do the same?

Dylan

Can I suggest you go and do a sh*t with your clothes on?