10 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Cuckoo (2012)

PLAY ALL 61 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Dale is back. His career in Shanghai has gone nowhere and he's been forced to flee back to the UK, to the bosom of his adoptive parents and his stepmother / would-be girlfriend.

Lorna

Well, you can stay as long as you want. We're doing up your room for the baby so... you'll have to stay in Dylan's room.

Dylan

Well, that isn't happening.

Ken

That's a great idea. We could get those old bunk beds out.

Dylan

No. You can get the old bunk beds in your arse! I'm not -

[DALE slaps DYLAN across the face]

Dale

Insubordination.

Ken

It's so good to have you back, Dale.

[Turning to DYLAN]

You can move your old bed out yourself. I'm not touching your clammy mattress.

Awkward. That's the best work to describe this conversation. You see, Rachel thinks that Dale has fallen for her. But Dale has actually fallen for the only daughter of a Triad gangster.

Dale

Look... I was so cut up when you said we couldn't be together. You see, I was taught to believe that each person on Earth was given only one love. I suppose I just got to believe in second chances. I've fallen for a truly special girl. Someone who's beautiful... and kind... and clever... and funny.

Rachel

Yeah? Well... what's her name? This girl.

Dale

Ling.

Rachel

LING? Who the fu*k is LING?!

Sid has just been born. Lorna and Ken's third child. And he's a cutie. So much so that Ken briefly forgets that he already has a son.

Ken

Number three, eh? At last... I have a son.

Rachel

Uh... Dad! What about Dylan?

Ken

Oh, yeah. Dylan.

Guys... if your wife / fiancée / girlfriend has endured the pain of childbirth so that you can witness its miracle, the least you can do is treat her like a princess... forever.

Ken

[Bringing LORNA a glass of water in bed]

Here you go. And if there's anything else you want... just ask.

Lorna

Wow. I feel like a princess. And all I had to do was push a ginormous baby out my loo-loo!

Gentlemen... some fashion advice. A femoral haemorrhage is the ONLY valid excuse for wearing red trousers. I'll make an exception for hosts of children's TV shows and, grudgingly, clowns. Period.

Ken

Oooh! Tasty! Ruby red and bright as a button. A colourful trouser for a happy fellow. Who is this jaunty gentleman peacocking his way around the Lichfield scene? Why, it is I, Kenneth.

Lorna

You're having a mid-life crisis.

Ken

Oh, shut up! Feast your eyes on the rich... and velvety material.

Dale

Wow! Are those traditional costume, Ken?

Lorna

Yes, Dale. As traditionally worn by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen!

Ken

I am a shining star of manhood.

Lorna

I'll burn them.

Ken

You'll have to burn my legs, then 'cos they're not coming off.

Dylan

[Laughs sarcastically]

You did it, Dad. You brought "twat" to the next level. You bell-end!

[LORNA laughs]

Ken is hosting a Mum's Group meeting because he's a stay-at-home Dad. Dale is baking the cakes. What could be more manly than this?

Ken

Cake report.

Dale

This is gonna be the best darned coffee cake those girls have ever tasted.

Ken

Who would have thought that Mum's Group would be so ace?

Dale

I know!

Ken

We get to enjoy all of the fun and the gossiping but we avoid the catty in-fighting.

Dale

Oh, by the way... Beth said your fruit cake was dry.

Ken

The prissy little tart!

Some people you can totally talk to. They listen, they evaluate ideas. They're kind, considerate and helpful. Dylan is NOT one of those people.

Dale

Ling's thousands of miles away so how come our love feels even stronger? And if love transcends time and space, perhaps therein lies the secret of the universe. What do you think, Dyl?

Dylan

Couldn't give a sh*t, mate!

[DALE jumps down from the top bunk to find DYLAN engrossed in his phone]

Dale

Hey! What's that game you're playing on your Robot Phone?

Dylan

It's not a game, you bell-end. It's Love Swipe. Oh... fu*k! I've just swiped a munter.

Dale

Love Swipe is a way of finding romantic partners?

Dylan

No. It's hunting women's snatch. Here. Have a look.

[DYLAN turns the phone screen so that both he and DALE can see it]

Right, okay, so... here we have... ah! An older woman. Twenty-four, only a hundred or so metres away... RACHEL!

[Yes, DYLAN has just found his own sister, RACHEL on Love Swipe]

Dale

That's mom!

Dylan

I flicked right. I flicked right! These treacherous eyes!

[RACHEL comes into the room, justifiably horrified]

Rachel

Dylan, are you trying to hook up with me on Love Swipe?

Dylan

Your photo's like three years-old, you look completely different.

Rachel

Yeah... right... so my face has completely changed in three years, has it?

Dylan is about to... have an intimate Skype® meeting with Zoe. He has a box of tissues at the ready. But it's not going to be a happy ending, if you catch my drift.

[DYLAN calls ZOE via Skype® and she answers his call from her respective university digs]

Zoe

Hey, Dylan.

Dylan

Why have you got your coat on? Oh... are you naked underneath?

Zoe

Look... we need to talk.

Dylan

Oh yeah, we're gonna talk all right.

Zoe

Dylan... this isn't going to be easy to say... you're dumped.

Dylan

WHAT?

Zoe

I've met someone else.

Dylan

Who?

Zoe

A guy at uni... you'd like him, actually.

Dylan

Well, I FU*KING DOUBT IT! Why are you doing this?

Zoe

I dunno. Maybe he's just... better than you.

Dylan

What, you mean sex-wise?

Zoe

Well, yeah. Also, generally.

Dylan

This is the worst wa*k ever!

Steve. He's a bit weird. In fact, he's down-right creepy. And sadly he's an attendee at Sid's Naming Ceremony. And he's spotted Ken's mother. Oh, yeah. He thinks she's mighty fine!

Steve

Hey, Ken!

Ken

Oh, God!

Steve

I noticed you ran out of sausage rolls. Not to worry. When I come to a party, I bring my own supply... of bhajis. I have to say, Ken, I am impressed... the talent. Who is that?

Ken

That is my mother.

Steve

Ahhh. Family resemblance is uncanny. And... may I say... "Hubba Hubba"?

Ken

No. You may not!

Steve

Hubba Hubba!

Ken

Stop this!

The family are going on holiday. Vacation. To Cumbria. Which, for the uninitiated, is a sleepy little place in the Lake District.

Dylan

North? Why're we driving North? Where are we flying from?

Lorna

We're not flying anywhere, Dilly.

Rachel

Yeah, we're going to Cumbria instead... they decided two weeks ago.

Dylan

That was serious? I thought that was one of Dad's sh*t jokes? Why the fu*k would we go on holiday to Cumbria?

Ken

Well...

Dylan

Why would anyone in their right mind even pass through there? It's like... well, I know nothing about it. That's how sh*t it is.

Ken

You're going to be spending a week with your family. Isn't that what matters, Dylan?

Dylan

Yeah, well I'm packed for Barbados, all right? So unless I'm going outdoor horse riding in Speedos, you can count me out of outdoor activities. I've got my XBox. Bunch of twats!

[Dissolve to EXT: Rented Manor House in the countryside, family stood looking at it]

Bagsie the master bedroom.

Ken

Absolutely not.

Dylan

Going against a bagsie? That's bad karma. That's your holiday fu*ked, Dad.

[DALE slaps DYLAN across the face]

Argh!

Dale

Insubordination.