8 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Cuckoo (2012)

PLAY ALL 61 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Ivy has arrived in style and Ken is introducing her to her new, extended family.

Ken

Well, this is my family. Um, this is my wife, Lorna.

Lorna

Hello!

Ken

My daughter, Rachel.

Rachel

Hello!

Ivy

Look at you tiny, tiny girls. And your son... mmmm, quite the young stud.

Ken

Oh. No. He's only four.

[Turning to see that she wasn't, in fact, referencing SID]

Oh. No. That's Dylan.

Dinner. It's where a family comes together. And this first dinner with Ivy is especially awkward. Especially when it comes to Whitney Houston... well... you'll see!

Lorna

Modelling? Well, I bet that was exciting.

Ivy

Oh, Lorna. Modelling is so superficial. But, you do meet a lot of rich men. I remember the day that I met Ron. Then I found out he was a billionaire. It was love! Two weeks later, Whitney Houston was singing at our wedding for crack money!

Ken

Oh!

Ken has plans to send Sid to Grantley Academy, an exclusive private school. His opposition on this consists of his wife, his daughter and decency itself, presumably.

Rachel

Grantley Academy? Dad, I can't believe you'd even consider it.

Lorna

Don't worry, Rach. I've told him. My old dad would kill me if we sent Sid to private school. I mean, look at us. We've even got a nanny.

Rachel

Yeah!

Ken

I'm still a progressive. I listen to The Smiths! I retweet J.K. Rowling. It's... it's just about looking after your own.

Rachel

Yeah. That's what they all say. Next thing you know, you've got four million Palestinians under curfew.

Ken

Oh, come on. Sid's got brains. Real brains. Here... watch this.

[KEN approaches little SID who is sat being fed by the nanny]

Sid? When was The Battle of Hastings?

Sid

Richard the Third.

Ken

No, no... the other one. The other one.

Sid

Ten-sixty-six!

Ken

Thank you! A genius in the making. What is that you're feeding him, Angela?

Angela

Heart of chicken.

Sid

Yummy, yummy chicken heart!

Ken

Should we be feeding offal to a four-year-old?

Angela

My husband eat chicken heart every morning. He huge killing machine. He kill nine Croats during the war. Not like you, Jelly Belly!

Ken

I do not like that nanny!

Ken has no choice but to go grovelling to his recently estranged sister. He needs a babysitter and whilst she wouldn't be his first choice, she's now his only option.

Ivy

Sidney! Where are you? It's your Aunt Ivy to the rescue!

[Finding SID sat on the couch where KEN had left him moments previously]

Oh! So... when do I milk it?

Ken

Him. You don't milk him. He's a human child.

Ivy

Obviously. I mean when do I give it it's milk?

Ken

He's four!

Ivy

Four? Shouldn't he be taller?

[Speaking conspiratorially]

Rich kids are taller.

Ken

All right.

[IVY picks up the Grantley Academy prospectus]

Ivy

What's this?

Ken

Oh. It's a brochure for a private school. It's for Sid.

Ivy

Private school? Oh that's wonderful! British private schools are the best. All those owls and gowns! So cute!

Ken

Right. Well, it's not happening. Lorna doesn't approve so you may as well chuck it.

Ivy

I see. Well, before I chuck it, how about I just roll it up, real tight? That way, it's nice and compact and you can fit it neatly up your pretty little vagina!

Ken

Excuse me?

Ivy

Ken! You're gonna let your wife stop you from educating your son?

Ken

Well, sort of... our son.

Ivy

I see now. No wonder all your children are failures. No wonder you're making passes at the nanny. There is no male leadership in this house.

Dylan is earning good money as an Estate Agent (Realtor). He's started showering his family with gifts. Expensive gifts. Or very good copies of expensive gifts, actually!

Lorna

Wow! Armani?

Dylan

Mmm-hmm, the real deal!

Rachel

Yeah, there's only one R in Armani!

Dylan

Yeah, all right, they're fakes but come on, they're the best fakes on the market... they weren't cheap.

Lorna

Oh... there's an inscription. "Love you, Mum."

[RACHEL looks inside her own bracelet for an inscription and finds it]

Rachel

"Twat?!" Thanks!

Ken

Oi! Where's my gift?

[DYLAN pulls some cash from his back pocket and holds it towards KEN]

Dylan

A grand, cash... if you sh*t yourself, right now.

Ken

Dylan, I have told you before, I am not going to deliberately sh*t my pants.

Dylan

Fair enough. But I'll find your ceiling one day.

Lorna has been reading Ken's diaries and discovered that when they first met, he was disappointed that she was an Estate Agent. It's time to make it up to her.

[LORNA opens the front door of a house she's showing to a client to discover that "Mr. Steele" is, in fact, KEN who's adopted a pseudonym]

Lorna

Mr. Steele? Lorna Thomp -

[KEN grins inanely, holding a bottle of bubbly and a bouquet of flowers]

Ken!

Ken

Twenty-eight years ago, I was wrong. I made a mistake. You're not just an Estate Agent. You're a hero.

Lorna

Awwww!

[KEN should have stopped here]

Ken

And anyway, yeah there's a few bad apples but... if it wasn't for Estate Agents, where would The Apprentice get all their wa*kers from?

Lorna and Ken have decided to develop his pseudonym and indulge in a little adult roleplay. The set? Their bedroom. The characters? You've met them. And... ACTION!

Lorna

Good evening, Mr. Steele.

Ken

Oh! Miss Thompson.

Lorna

You find me alone. My husband's just popped out.

Ken

Man's a damned fool leaving you alone with a man like me around.

Lorna

Yeah, the pr**k!

Ken

LORN!

Lorna

Sorry. Got a bit too into it! Come on, kiss me.

[And here, Funnies Fans, in the interests of decency, we pull the fade lever and leave them to it]

Nina is a lousy Campaign Manager. Truly. I mean, she should be funding Ken's electoral dream instead of spunking the funds up the wall schmoozing people who just won't pay out.

Ken

What did you just do?

Nina

Um, it's your campaign. Marcus has got loads of money. You've got no money because somebody ate all the money and the nice dinners.

Ken

Yes. That was you!

Nina

Anyway, I think it'll be amazing for you to cook a lovely supper for your wife's rich ex-boyfriend. It'll be... exciting.

Ken

Well, at least I get a nice meal out of it, I suppose. I'll do that Lamb Kofta.

Lorna

He's a vegan!

Ken

Oh... for fu*k's sake!