11 MP3 Audio clips from Dragnet (1987)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

The introduction to the 1967 TV show was always the same. For the movie version, the screenwriter injected a slight comical twist. Which was genius in my opinion.

Narrator

Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example, George Baker is now called Sylvia Wiss.

Clip 2

There's a dress code for Detectives in Robbery-Homicide. And Joe Friday likes to ensure that it is followed. To the letter.

Pep Streebeck

Say, Sergeant Friday?

Joe Friday

Who wants to know?

Pep Streebeck

I'm Pep Streebek, your new partner.

Joe Friday

Not looking like that, you aren't, Mister.

Pep Streebeck

Oh really? What's that supposed to mean?

Joe Friday

It means I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from... there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605... point 1-0, point 2-0, point 2-2, point 2-4, point 2-6, point 5-0, point 7-0, point 8-0. It specifies clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.

Clip 3

There's been a weird burglary at the City Zoo. Some animals are missing, some have been grotesquely modified.

Zoo Keeper

Now, this is the one I understand the least.

Joe Friday

Somebody must've wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that.

Pep Streebeck

Although, as Mohawks go, it's not that bad. It'll grow back.

Joe Friday

Yeah? And how do you tell that to these kids, here who've never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again?

[Turning to address a group of confused looking children]

Pep Streebeck

Kids, it'll grow back.

Kids

Yea!

Clip 4

Joe and Pep have just pulled up to the gates of Jerry Caesar's Bel-Air mansion to investigate the theft of the entire month's supply of Bait Magazine. A woman answers their intercom call.

Woman

Oh, thank God! Vibrator repair!

Joe Friday

No, ma'am. Los Angeles Police Department. Sorry.

Clip 5

Joe Friday is opinionated. He doesn't tolerate softcore pornography and doesn't like the idea of helping Jerry Caesar to recover his stash of immoral, degrading and smutty literature.

Joe Friday

How much do you figure a monthly run of your... "magazine" is worth?

Jerry Caesar

Well, let's just say it's more money than you'll ever see in your life. And I do that every month.

Joe Friday

At least my money's clean.

Jerry Caesar

I'll tell you what you do, Friday, before you go home and start polishing your pennies... why don't you go out there and get my magazines back on the stand where they belong?

Joe Friday

Listen, hotshot, I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't care for you or for the putrid sludge you're trowelling out. But until they change the laws to put you Sleaze Kings out of business, my job's to help you get back your stench-ridden boxes of smut. And since I'm gonna be doing it holding my nose, I'll be doing it with one hand.

Clip 6

Joe Friday appears to be immune to the sexual allure of Sylvia Wiss. Even when she's handing him... herself on a plate. Pep? He's picking up what she's laying down. But Joe is oblivious.

Sylvia Wiss

Sergeant, if I asked your honest opinion about something, would I get it?

Pep Streebeck

You can bet the house on it.

Sylvia Wiss

Would you say that these -

[She opens her gown to reveal her breasts]

- look like the breasts of a 43-year-old woman?

Joe Friday

No. No, they don't, Miss Wiss. They're quite impressive, bordering on spectacular. We have to be running along now.

Sylvia Wiss

What's your hurry, Sergeant? Wouldn't you like to... have an early lunch?

Pep Streebeck

Uh, listen, say, Joe, you know... it's the darndest thing. I seem to have, uh, left my notebook in... in the car and it's gonna take me 15, 20 min... half an hour or so... to find it. Why don't you, um, pump Sylvia here, uh, privately for information? And I'll, uh, you know...

Joe Friday

Nice meeting you, Miss Wiss.

Sylvia Wiss

I had a good time, too.

Joe Friday

Come on, Streebeck. Let's go to the car and find that notebook.

Clip 7

Joe and Pep are paying a visit to the foul-mouthed landlady of the elusive Emil Muzz. His ears must've been burning at this point.

[Joe knocks on the door and it's answered by the landlady]

Enid Borden

What the hell do you want?

Joe Friday

Police officers, ma'am.

Enid Borden

About time you pencil d*cks showed up. Why couldn't you have got here before that big, bad, stupid-looking piece of sewage breath stole my white wedding dress?

Joe Friday

Miss Borden, Sewage Breath would be your little nickname for...

Enid Borden

Muzz. Emil Muzz.

Pep Streebeck

Hmm... not much of an improvement.

Enid Borden

That ass-wipe also stiffed me for two months' rent when his deposit cheque bounced. Goddam puss-faced little pimp stick. All that was left in his room was a big box of these things.

[She hands FRIDAY a business card]

Pep Streebeck

Any idea where this Emil Muzz could be right now? Friends? Family?

Enid Borden

Nah, he was a loner. Took off in the middle of the night. Useless scum-lapping sh*tbag.

Joe Friday

Just the facts, ma'am. He leave anything else behind?

Enid Borden

Yeah, a tape deck which I had to sell to make up for the lost rent. So there's nothing you can do about it, you slimy little jizz-bucket.

Joe Friday

Yes, ma'am. Although I should point out to you that you technically could be cited for swearing at us like that.

Enid Borden

Says who, flathead?

Joe Friday

Says the California Penal Code section 314.1 covering obscene live conduct in public. Good enough for you, lady?

Enid Borden

That miserable little bag of puke!

Clip 8

Interrogation is fine. Torture? Not in civilised society. But it IS effective for the likes of Emil Muzz who have absolutely no respect for the public, the police or for themselves.

Pep Streebeck

Well, Emil. I guess it's just you and... me and... your balls... and this drawer.

[MUZZ is heard screaming as the drawer is slammed repeatedly into his happy-sacks]

Clip 9

Joe and Pep have gone undercover at a meeting of P.A.G.A.N. (People Against Goodness and Normalcy) and the High Priest sh*tbag is about to speak.

High Priest

Prepare the virgin!

[FRIDAY turns to STREEBECK]

Joe Friday

"Prepare the virgin?" I don't like the sound of that.

Pep Streebeck

Let's just hope they're not referring to you!

Clip 10

It was for monologues like this one that Dragnet was famous. And they've preserved them in the 1987 movie version. Joe Friday doesn't understand a bit of light bondage when he sees it. Apparently.

Joe Friday (V/O)

10:30 a.m. I went to pick up Detective Streebek at the sanitationally-questionable commune which passed for his apartment building in the "come as you are" section of Venice Beach. The door was opened by Police Officer Betsy Blees... who had apparently dropped by to chat about more effective methods of law enforcement. They'd been playing a version of good-cop, bad-cop and though I was unable to fathom the rules, it seemed clear that Streebek had lost this particular round. At any rate, playtime was over and it was back to routine duty for me and Pep Streebek.

Clip 11

It's another of those amusing exchanges between Friday and Streebeck for which the TV show was famous and for which the movie will always be remembered.

Pep Streebeck

This guy knows God personally. I hear they play racquetball together.

Joe Friday

Yeah, well just go ahead and chuckle away, Mister. I don't hear God laughing.

Pep Streebeck

You will... once He sees your haircut.