
That Mitchell and Webb Look | Season 1
© 2006 British Broadcasting Corporation
That Mitchell and Webb Look is painfully funny, thought-provoking and intelligent. It is also puerile and very, very silly. Which is exactly how comedy should be. From a green clarinet which forces people to speak aloud embarrassing truths to Queen Victoria and her obsession with a bush that smells like ejaculate, there's something for everyone here.
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 22
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S01 E01 |
I wonder if members of the Schutzstaffel (SS) ever stopped to consider the sinister imagery of their insignia? Probably not. The a**holes. |
|
Hans |
They're coming. Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS Division. |
2nd Nazi |
Uh... Hans... |
Hans |
Have courage my friend. |
2nd Nazi |
Yeah, er... Hans, I've just noticed something. |
Hans |
These Communists are all cowards. |
2nd Nazi |
Have you looked at our caps recently? |
Hans |
Our caps? |
2nd Nazi |
The badges on our caps. Have... have you looked at them? |
Hans |
What? No... a bit. |
2nd Nazi |
They've got skulls on them. Have you noticed that our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them? |
Hans |
I... I don't, er... |
2nd Nazi |
Hans... Are we the baddies? |
Clip 2 S01 E01 |
Henry and his girlfriend are enjoying a relaxing evening in a local restaurant. That is until the painfully superior and rude waiter shows up. |
|
Girlfriend |
This is nice Henry. |
Henry |
Isn't it? I think it's amazing the way restaurants have changed in this country over the last 20 years. |
Girlfriend |
Yeah, what with gastro pubs and All Bar One... things like that, it's just so easy now. |
Waiter |
Are you ready to order sir? |
Henry |
Sorry mate, um... haven't had a look yet but, um... can we order a bottle of the house red to be going on with? |
Waiter |
"Mate"? "The house red"? "To be going on with"? Where the hell do you think you are? |
Henry |
Sorry? |
Waiter |
Do you even know what the house red is? Are you even an expert on wine? Because, if you're not, I don't know on what basis you venture to order it. |
Henry |
Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here? |
Waiter |
She's gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back. |
Henry |
Who? |
Waiter |
The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters. And I'm afraid we've changed the rules. |
Henry |
Well, we'd still like to order. |
Waiter |
I saw you in here last week. I saw you drinking your soup. I saw you blowing and slurping and dunking your bread. We were watching you on the monitors in the kitchen and we all thought you were a d*ck. |
Henry |
I'm sorry, I can't believe you talk to paying customers like this. |
Waiter |
And I can't believe you're continuing with this. You know that I can destroy you. Observe my trolley. These are my weapons. Today I'm recommending the consommé which, as every schoolboy knows, provided your school wasn't free, is to be consumed only using a vichyssoise fork. It's all in the wrist. And for sir... crab, which you're supposed to tackle using this. |
[The WAITER hands a chromed ladle to HENRY] |
Make sure you kill it right, or it's poisonous. Off you go. |
[The MAN and WOMAN, struggling, try to swap cutlery] |
You're not allowed to swap. My, my... it's like watching "The Generation Game". I expect that's a reference you get. |
Henry |
Right. I've had just about enough of you talking to me like this. I'd like to see the manager. |
Waiter |
How can I possibly introduce YOU to the manager? You haven't shaved, you're not wearing a tie and you hold your ladle like a pen. Now, take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and GET OUT! |
Clip 3 S01 E01 |
These two characters don't have names. But that doesn't stop them organising parties. No. And they have a very exclusive guest list. |
|
Man 1 |
Oh, let's invite Moneypenny. |
Man 2 |
Oh, yeah, let's have Moneypenny. She's always good value. |
Man 1 |
Although... |
Man 2 |
What? |
Man 1 |
There's a chance she'll bring that bloke. |
Man 2 |
Oh, God, yeah, I think I know the one you mean. |
Man 1 |
The tall one. What's his name? John? |
Man 2 |
James. |
Man 1 |
James, yeah. What a penis. |
Man 2 |
Well, you remember last time, it was only a barbecue and he turned up in his tuxedo. |
Man 1 |
I know. Stood around making smug remarks. I don't know what Moneypenny sees in him. |
Man 2 |
Well, do you remember that drinks do I had just before Christmas? Moneypenny brings John... |
Man 1 |
- James... |
Man 2 |
James along. "Oh, God!", but I thought Christmas spirit... |
Man 1 |
Absolutely. |
Man 2 |
So I said, "Hi, James! We've got mulled wine or I think there's some beer in the fridge." |
Man 1 |
Yeah. |
Man 2 |
C*ck asked for a Martini. |
Man 1 |
A Martini? |
Man 2 |
A Martini, yeah. |
Man 1 |
Oh, come on. |
Man 2 |
So I said, "I'm sorry, James, I don't think I've got any Martini." I mean, why would I have any Martini? What does he think it is? 1973? |
Man 1 |
I mean, where does that guy get off? |
[Pulls two Walther PPK handguns from a drawer] |
He keeps leaving these around. |
Man 2 |
I think he gets them free at work. |
Man 1 |
It's Moneypenny I feel sorry for. Did you see when I was going round with the voddy... |
Man 2 |
What? |
Man 1 |
Well, I said to Moneypenny, "Can you manage another finger in there?" meaning... |
Man 2 |
- Finger of vodka in her glass of drink. |
Man 1 |
Exactly. |
Man 2 |
Self-explanatory. |
Man 1 |
Yeah. And then James starts rolling his eyes like he's having some kind of stroke and says, "Oh, you can always get another finger inside Moneypenny." |
Man 2 |
He said what?! |
Man 1 |
I just literally did not know where to look. |
Man 2 |
Finger inside Moneypenny?! |
Man 1 |
I know. And I don't think Moneypenny was even at all turned on. |
Man 2 |
Well, she was probably still recovering from the Darren incident. |
Man 1 |
Oh, what was that? |
Man 2 |
Oh, didn't you hear? Well, Darren turned up and anyway he starts getting a bit lippy about James's cigarette case. |
Man 1 |
What did he say? |
Man 2 |
Oh, said it was gay. |
Man 1 |
Well, it is gay. |
Man 2 |
Yeah, I know, exactly. Anyway, everyone's laughing, thinking, "Bit cheeky" but, you know, and then suddenly James picks him up and throws him through a window. |
Man 1 |
Bloody hell! Is that why Darren can't walk now? |
Man 2 |
Yeah. Poor guy landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine. Everyone's in shock apart from James who strolls over to the window, glances down and says, "What a piercing bore." |
Man 1 |
"Piercing bore"? There's no such expression. |
Man 2 |
I know, well, the railing was right next to a crusher. It's pretty clear he'd wanted to say "crushing bore" but he'd missed and he was making the best of a bad job. |
Clip 4 S01 E01 |
Dreamy Pastures Insurance isn't like other life insurance companies. They won't give you a penny. They'll give you a genuine Albanian teenager instead. |
|
Lucy |
Mummy! Daddy! Come and push me on the swing. |
Dad |
OK. |
Mum |
Coming, darling! |
V/O |
No one likes to think that the worst might happen. |
Lucy |
Wee! Will you push me further? |
Mum |
Of course, darling. Oh, Roger, did you sort out that life insurance? |
Dad |
Couldn't be bothered. Life's great now so let's not think about it. |
[Fade to an empty swing forlornly moving in the breeze] |
[IN MONOTONE] |
Do you want to play on the swings, Lucy? |
Lucy |
No, they remind me of Mummy, who's dead now. |
Dad |
Of course. Besides, I've got a bad back from worry and have become a drunk. |
Lucy |
It's a pity you didn't take out that insurance, after all. |
Dad |
Do you want a smack? |
V/O |
Of course, no amount of money can ever replace a spouse or loved one. So at Dreamy Pastures Insurance, we won't give you any money. Instead, we will replace your spouse or loved one with someone sexier and kinder. Within ten days of receipt of your tragic news, we'll stick a gorgeous Albanian teenager on the next cabbage boat. She'll be thinner than your previous spouse, initially at least, and having been brought up in an absolute sh*thole, you can be sure she won't give you any lip. |
Lucy |
Wee! My mummy doesn't make me do my homework. |
Dad |
I know, darling. It's because she can't read. |
V/O |
Dreamy Pastures Insurance. Because no one's irreplaceable. |
Clip 5 S01 E02 |
Why do evil masterminds in spy movies speak in code? I mean, they should be clear about their murderous intentions, shouldn't they? Blofeld would have got a lot more done had he been clearer. |
|
Keith |
I'm afraid, sir, we still have a problem with Detective Harrison. |
Lesley |
Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent for disrupting my arrangements. |
Keith |
Would you like me to have him... removed? |
Lesley |
Yes. Perhaps. Perhaps it would be better if Mr Harrison were... taken out of the picture. |
Alan |
- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again. |
Lesley |
What, Alan? |
Alan |
Have him removed? Take him out of the picture? I thought we agreed at the meeting that these terms are needlessly ambiguous. |
Lesley |
- I suppose... |
Alan |
- We all agreed that from now on, when we want someone murdered, i.e. deliberately killed to death, then that's what we're gonna say. |
Keith |
Look, everyone knows what we mean. |
Alan |
Well, on this occasion, perhaps. I mean, that was an order to murder Harrison, right? |
Lesley |
He has become a nuisance. |
Alan |
Right, but a nuisance we should murder. Is that it? I mean, my nephew's a nuisance but... do you see what I mean? |
Lesley |
Yes, yeah, all right. |
Alan |
Well, can you say it then, please? |
Lesley |
OK. Please... deal with the Harrison situation. |
Alan |
You see, that's no good. |
Keith |
Oh, that was perfectly clear. |
Alan |
Oh, what are you talking about, Keith? This is gonna be "let's hope Professor Ritson meets with a little accident" all over again. We spent nine months hoping that Professor Ritson would meet with an accident before Lesley made it clear it was an accident we were supposed to make happen. |
Lesley |
All right, you've made your point. You two get on with your work now. |
Alan |
Our murdering. |
Lesley |
Yes. Oh, and Alan... perhaps I'll see you later for a little... light refreshment. |
Alan |
Do you mean anal sex? |
Lesley |
Yes. |
Clip 6 S01 E02 |
Christmas. A time for giving. A time for sharing. A time for thinking of others over and above yourself. A time to give heroin to loved-ones? Er, no. Don't remember being taught that. |
|
Mum |
Ohh, it's lovely, thank you. |
Gran |
Yes. |
Susie |
And this is from me and Ben. Merry Christmas. |
Son |
Ooh, is this what I think it is? |
Ben |
Could be. |
Son |
It IS, it's some heroin. Hooray! |
Susie |
We know how much you like heroin, so... |
Son |
Too right. |
Ben |
'Cause, 'cause we were saying, "Can we get him heroin? We got him heroin last year", but then Susie said, "Sod it, let's just get him heroin, he won't mind." |
Son |
Well, you can never have too much heroin, that's what I say. |
Mum |
Well, it's Christmas, isn't it? |
Man |
Er, this is from us. |
Son |
Ooh, wonder what this is. |
Woman |
Hope you like it. We both know how much you like heroin so we thought... |
Son |
Oh, it's a book of heroin anecdotes, great! |
Woman |
We thought a bit more interesting, you know, than just giving you heroin again. |
Son |
Yeah, yeah. |
Man |
But we got you some heroin to have while you're reading it. |
Son |
Oh. You silly sods! |
Gran |
And this is from me. |
Son |
Ooh, thank you, Grandma. |
Gran |
It's some cocaine. |
Son |
Oh, yeah. |
Gran |
That is the one you wanted, isn't it? |
Son |
Yeah, yeah. |
Gran |
The man said that would be the one you wanted. I tried to describe it and I did the face that you do when you've had some, you know, "Urghhh..." And he said that would be the one. |
Son |
Right. |
Mum |
[Whispering] |
I'll take it back for you, love, and change it for some heroin. |
Son |
Thanks, Mum. |
Clip 7 S01 E03 |
And it's not just waiters who are becoming unbearably aristocratic and condescending. No. Now vicars are getting in on the act, too! |
|
Sally |
I think it's great the way churches have become more inclusive and open-minded these days. |
Tom |
Yeah, I'm sure. I just don't think I'm really religious. |
Sally |
Oh, they're happy just to talk about stuff and it's a great place to make friends. |
Vicar |
Can I help you? |
Sally |
Hi, um, we're new to the area. We've just bought three of the old almshouses. We're having them knocked through. And we thought we'd just pop in and say hi. |
Vicar |
Who the hell did you think you were going to say hi to? The Lord your God? 'Cause I'm not sure you've lived lives worthy of His attention. |
Tom |
Er... |
Sally |
Ha, erm... Yeah, we're not particularly religious, I suppose but I think we'd both say we were spiritual people, wouldn't we, Tom? |
Tom |
Yeah. |
Sally |
And we're just interested to find out more. |
Vicar |
Not particularly religious? Interested? Spiritual? Are you testing me, Satan? |
Sally |
What happened to the friendly lady vicar with the colourful jumper that I met last week? |
Vicar |
She's gone, child. They've all gone. Banished by the Bishop. I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry. And we're back. |
Tom |
Who? |
Vicar |
The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars. |
Sally |
Maybe we should... |
Vicar |
I saw you in here last week. I saw you reading the notices and talking about your views and eating other people's biscuits. We were all watching you from the vestry and we all thought you were a b**ch. |
Tom |
Look, steady on. Look, I mean, my wife's entitled to her views. |
Vicar |
Oh, isn't she just?! Aren't you all entitled to your half-arsed musings on the divine? You've thought about eternity for 25 minutes and think you've come to some interesting conclusions. Well, let me tell you, I stand with 2,000 years of darkness and bafflement and hunger behind me. My kind have harvested the souls of a million peasants and I couldn't give a ha'penny jizz for your internet-assembled philosophy. |
Tom |
Look, Sally... |
Sally |
No, we have a right to be here. This is a place of peace. |
Vicar |
Oh, please. That's a very recent idea and not one that I think is going to catch on. |
Sally |
Well, I'm certainly not - |
Vicar |
BE GONE! BE GONE TO YOUR SATANIC ALMSHOUSE CONVERSION. LEAVE HERE, DAMN SINNING DOG OF A WHORE! |
[TOM and SALLY cut their losses and run from the nave] |
Vicar |
Oh, at least leave a quid for the upkeep! |
Clip 8 S01 E03 |
The party planners are at it again. This time their attention falls to the five permanent and one occasional member of Mystery Inc. |
|
Man 1 |
Oh, well if we're having Freddie, we've got to invite Daphne and Velma as well. |
Man 2 |
Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless, especially when Velma does her "losing her glasses" routine. |
Man 1 |
Yeah, that kills me. Why doesn't she get contacts? |
Man 2 |
Oh, I think it's a lesbian thing. |
Man 1 |
Mmm. Ooh, I've just had a thought. |
Man 2 |
What? |
Man 1 |
Well, if we invite Freddie, Daphne and Velma, there's a chance they'll bring that other one. |
Man 2 |
Oh, God, the scrawny one, the one that doesn't wash, what's his name? |
Man 1 |
Well, we don't know, I mean, he calls himself Shaggy but I certainly don't believe that's his name. I think it's some kind of hollow sexual boast. |
Man 2 |
I think it definitely is. He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly. The last time I saw him, he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a very long corridor that happened to be there. |
Man 1 |
Well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe we're being harsh on him. I mean, he's so thin and he's always shaking. He's probably in the throws of some gritty smack battle. Let's ask him along. |
Man 2 |
Yeah, I mean, how much harm can he do? Although... |
Man 1 |
What? |
Man 2 |
Well, there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog. |
Man 1 |
Oh, not his bloody dog. He won't bring his dog. People don't bring their dogs to parties. |
Man 2 |
Shaggy does. If anyone is gonna bring a dog to anything, he is gonna bring his dog to this. |
Man 1 |
He treats that dog like it's a person, it's creepy. Do you know, I think that dog must have been mistreated in the past. It's incredibly nervous. You remember that Hallowe'en party that Shaggy was at? Everytime a new person came in dressed as a ghost or whatever, the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms. I was convinced it was gonna sh*t everywhere. |
Man 2 |
Yep, well, I tell you, that's not the worst of it. Remember at Jodie's do, you remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fairground. Well, I was... I was just popping to the kitchen for some more ice and who should I find but Shaggy and his dog assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen. |
Man 1 |
I know. They made one the last time they were here but they had a freak out before they could eat it. |
Man 2 |
I think it's cruel to make a dog eat that. |
Man 1 |
I tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter. Because he's obviously invested a lot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't. I mean, maybe he thought he was gonna get on "That's Life" or something but it's just not happened. |
Man 2 |
Yes, which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well. |
Man 1 |
Oh, that's... that's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good English. It's also quite a lot braver, if a little impetuous. |
Man 2 |
It is a bit impetuous, yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog. |
Man 1 |
Yes, I think you do, I think you do. |
Clip 9 S01 E04 |
Nothing is as excruciatingly embarrassing for the cast and crew of a production than filming a love scene. Especially when the male lead has a very peculiar (and, apparently, contagious) sexual tic... |
|
Director |
Okay, guys, uh, this sort of scene can be a bit embarrassing, so just... just try and be as relaxed as possible. |
John |
Right. |
Carrie |
Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah. |
1st A.D. |
Turn over. |
PSM |
Sound speed. |
2nd A.C. |
Scene 28, take 1. |
1st A.C. |
Marker. |
1st A.D. |
And... ACTION! |
[Cheesy incidental music plays as the performers feign making love under the covers] |
John |
Oh, now we know. Now we know. Now we know... |
Carrie |
Erm... |
Director |
Er, cut! Er, John? |
John |
Yeah? |
Director |
Uh, John... you were talking. |
John |
Was I? |
Director |
Yeah, you... you said, "Now we know." |
John |
"Now we know"? |
Director |
Yeah. |
John |
Did I? |
Carrie |
Yeah, you did a bit. |
John |
Oh, my God, how weird. Sorry. |
Director |
Not to worry. Let's go again, straight away. |
1st A.D. |
Okay, turn over, please. |
PSM |
Sound speed. |
1st A.D. |
And... action! |
John |
Oh... Now we know. Now we know. Yeah, now we know. NOW - |
Director |
Cut! |
John |
Oh, sorry. Sorry. I know what that was. I was in her light, wasn't I? |
Director |
Er, er, a bit... N-no. More it's... sort of the same thing again, really. |
John |
What? |
Director |
The saying, "Now we know." |
John |
What, again? Did I Carrie? |
Carrie |
Yeah, you did, you keep saying, "Now we know." |
John |
God, that is so... I had no idea. Why would I do that? |
Director |
We don't know. |
John |
Oh, well, I'll cut that right out. |
Director |
Okay, we'll, uh, let's try again and this time keep an eye on the... |
John |
"Now we know." Yeah. |
1st A.D. |
Turn over. |
PSM |
Sound speed. |
2nd A.C. |
Marker. |
1st A.D. |
Action! |
John |
Oh, now we know. Now we know. |
[CARRIE starts saying it, too] |
Carrie / John |
Now we know. Now we know. Now we know... |
Director |
Cut! |
Carrie / John |
Now we know. Now we know... |
Director |
CUT! |
Carrie / John |
Now we know. Now we know... |
Director |
CUUTTT! You're both doing it now. |
John |
Oh, you're kidding. Are you doing it, now? |
Carrie |
Apparently. |
Director |
Right, look. Let... let's go again, but this time we won't take sound. We'll get the pictures, I'll can talk you through it and we can put the sound on afterwards. |
John |
Okay. Sorry. |
1st A.D. |
New board, please. Turn over. And... action! |
[JOHN and CARRIE begin feigning love making in excruciating silence, save for the squeak of the mattress springs] |
Director |
That's great, John. Yeah, lots... lots of passion. Yeah, that's... that's good, Carrie. Mind the shadow there. Maybe roll round a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now we know. Now we know. Oh, yeah, we know now. Now we know. |
Clip 10 S01 E05 |
Having to look at other peoples' holiday photographs is excruciating, right? Making those polite, interested noises. But it's worse if the photos are "candid" in the wrong way. |
|
David |
Greece, was it? |
Robert |
Yeah, Rhodes. Spectacular. |
David |
Good. |
Robert |
And this is me and Jen in front of the Temple of Zeus. |
David |
Right, sunny. |
Robert |
Yeah, it was brilliant. And this is us back in our hotel room. Ooh, that one's a bit saucy, actually. Sorry, thought I'd deleted that. Moving swiftly on... And that one is actually even more, er... |
David |
Oh, my God! |
Robert |
Yeah, er... and this is us on our deserted beach. Ooh, dear oh dear. At least she waxed. |
David |
Please... no... |
Robert |
And this is us on the ferry going over to... ooh, that is actually very fruity... |
David |
Please, can we stop? |
Robert |
Oh, sorry, sorry. The rest are all... look, this is us in our villa. |
David |
Bloody hell! |
Robert |
Oh, you spotted that. Yeah, we were just having a quick, uh... and this is us by the pool. |
[DAVID shrieks] |
Robert |
Whereas that one is actually very naughty. |
David |
Look, I'm just... |
Robert |
Stay where you are! And this is us in a little taverna that we found. Not quite "Listen With Mother". We kept that pepper grinder. |
David |
Please, can we stop?! |
Robert |
NO! You've got to face it. Face it, David. Look at it. It's for your own good. I'm trying to help you. |
David |
All right, all right, leave me alone. I'll read the porn mag. |
Robert |
Cover to cover? |
David |
Yes. |
Robert |
There'll be a test. |
Clip 11 S01 E06 |
1944. The Führer is dead. His successor is receiving a briefing. And that briefing consists of the advice to unequivocally surrender. |
|
New Führer |
Right, where was I? Oh, yes, ideas. When can we have a policy meeting? |
Commander |
We've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of priorities. |
New Führer |
Oh, yeah? |
Commander |
Yeah. So, here's General Eisenhower's telephone number, here's the English for "we give up" and here's an analysis of our military situation... in one rude word. |
Clip 12 S01 E06 |
It's not just waiters and vicars who have become aristocratic and condescending. No. It's shop assistants in clothes stores now, too! |
|
Man |
You know what's happened over the last fifteen or so years is that shopping has become a kind of leisure pursuit that people can actually enjoy, you know? |
Wife |
Yeah, you're right. People have got a lot more money and everything's just a hell of a lot more relaxed. |
Assistant |
Can I help you, sir? |
Man |
Yeah, cheers. Um, I'm just vaguely looking at suits right now, uh... something cazh but also kind of cool and dark so you can wear it in the evening. |
Assistant |
A business suit that is simultaneously a dinner suit and a tail coat and a pair of pyjamas. |
Man |
Yeah, around the kind of £100, £150 mark. |
Assistant |
Which is fashioned from sack cloth and string? |
Man |
I'm sorry? |
Assistant |
Do you wish to look smart or are you merely looking for a newer version of what you're wearing at the moment? |
Man |
Oh, well, if you've got something like this, then - |
Assistant |
You mean something ltalian and ill-fitting and so shiny I can see my face in it, in stark contrast to your shoes? |
Man |
Er... yeah. |
Assistant |
We do not. |
Man |
Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here? |
Assistant |
She's gone, sir. They've all gone. They've all been driven out and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them and we're back. |
Man |
Who? |
Assistant |
The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes. And I'm afraid we don't like being talked to by people with their hands in their pockets. |
Man |
I beg your pardon? |
Assistant |
I'll overlook it just this once. |
Man |
Listen - |
Assistant |
I've seen you in here before. I've seen you slouching around the place in your slip-on shoes and your motorcycle jacket, looking like a mechanic who's won the pools. I've seen you with your tin earring and your black-marketeer swagger. We've all seen you and we all thought you were a turd. Now, do you wish to be smart or do you wish to leave this place as you entered it, looking like a slack-jawed spiv? |
Man |
Why are you treating me like this? |
Assistant |
Because I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you to have standards. I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you. You aren't needed or included or loved. You're ugly and superfluous and ignorant and you should be frightened and meek and grateful. |
Man |
Right. |
Assistant |
That's better. Now first things first, let's get you a hat. |