9 MP3 Audio clips from Get Hard (2015)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

James King is in the underground parking garage of his workplace, hiding out and trying to gather his thoughts. But his peace doesn't last long.

Driver

Fu*k you, King! I lost everything because of you!

James

I didn't do it! Fu*k! Fu*k someone! Fu*k a tit! Fu*k a tit hard! For the love of Alan Greenspan. Fu*k! My life is ruined.

Clip 2

James is destined for San Quentin which comes as quite the surprise to Darnell. Because at San Quentin, everybody gets the d*ck. You know what I'm saying?

James

I venture you've heard that I'm going to prison.

Darnell

Yeah. No, we, uh, all did. I just didn't wanna bring it up first, that's all. Come on. They're probably sending you to some Club Fed prison. You'll be playing tennis and golf, you know.

James

I'm going to be attending San Quentin.

Darnell

They're sending you to San Quentin? Oh.

James

What?

Darnell

Oh, God! Oh, they fu*king in San Quentin.

James

Oh.

Darnell

Everybody gets the d*ck.

James

I don't want it.

Darnell

You're not gonna get it. You'll be in for three months.

James

I'm gonna be there for 10 years.

Darnell

Goddamn! Ten years? Oh! Oh!

James

Why do you say it like that? It's not as bad as I've heard, is it?

Darnell

If you heard everybody fu*king, it is. That's how bad it is.

James

I didn't hear that part.

Darnell

They might as well call it San Fu*king, man.

Clip 3

James needs to know what San Quentin has in store for him. And his pale white ass. And Darnell is only too happy to impart the glad tidings.

Darnell

You know what? Let me give you my statistical analysis. You going to San Quentin. There's 100 percent chance that you're gonna be somebody's b**ch. Ten years of this...

[DARNELL uses his hands to mimic buttocks being pounded in prison]

You know what that is?

James

Mm-mm.

Darnell

A big-ass black man on your pale white ass. "No! I don't want any more! Stop! That's enough." Too late. He done tagged the next guy in. That's like a rabbit. You don't want him no more so now here comes the guy that wants to rub your face. "I like his hair." He's breathing on you. That's disgusting. But guess what? You can look forward to 10 years of it!

Clip 4

It's time for Darnell to become a thug. Because he isn't one. He's never been to prison. He's trying out his character on his wife.

Darnell

I don't have to be a thug to portray a thug. Okay? Honestly, all I gotta do is change my voice, talk a little deeper. Talk like this and be every stereotype he already thinks I am. Right now, I'm thugging. This is thugging.

Rita

You're so good at it, sweetie. Have a good night.

Darnell

B**ch! Don't walk away from me!

[RITA slaps DARNELL hard around the face]

Rita

What the hell did you just say to me?

Darnell

Girl, stop. Stop! What is wrong with you? What is that? I love you! I was playing!

[Quietly]

B**ch.

Rita

What?

Darnell

I didn't say nothing!

Rita

Oh.

Darnell

Man, I didn't say nothing.

Clip 5

John Mayer is appearing on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. He's written a song about James King having been duped into performing at his recent engagement party.

♪

John Mayer

I can't see through walls,

and I can't read your mind.

But if I did I'd find,

that man James King is a great big turd.

I mean the small, small kinds.

But that sh*t James,

will fall hands against the prison wall.

Choking on a mouthful of balls,

he'll be choking on a mouthful of balls.

♪

James

I hate to admit it, but it's a good song.

Jimmy Fallon

Okay, very nice. John Mayer, everybody.

James

Now I'm gonna be dreaming about balls!

Clip 6

Comparing San Quentin to Harvard Business School is like comparing a Yugo to a Ferrari.

James

Back when I was in Harvard Business School, I was facing some pretty long odds. But I buckled down and I succeeded.

Darnell

When you was at Harvard, did you ever get raped for failing a test?

James

I think that's more of a Yale thing.

[JAMES laughs at his own joke]

Clip 7

Part of his training for San Quentin sees James picking fights in the park as Darnell watches on. This isn't going to end well. These guys are fu*king massive!

James

Hey, guys.

Man Mountain

Who the fu*k are you, man?

James

I wanna fight you.

Man Mountain

What?

James

You picked the wrong day to come to the park.

Man Mountain

Is this some kind of joke, man?

James

You ever been mad-dogged before?

Man Mountain

You about to get some right now, motherfu*ker.

[JAMES half-heartedly gives the middle finger]

Man Mountain

What the fu*k is that, man?

James

It's the size of your d*ck. I'm gonna break it off, make you eat it. You fu*k your mother with that d*ck?

Clip 8

James is practising his "trash talk" and Darnell goes from incredulous to impressed. This sh*t is dark!

James

Fu*k you. Fu*k c*ck! Sh*t! Hey, back off! You better get those tits out of my face! Or I'll show you my tits!

Darnell

What are you doing?

James

Working on my trash talk. You know, to get respect from the other inmates.

Darnell

Let me hear some of it.

James

All right. Ahem. Hey, pal. I'm about to tear you a new ass.

Darnell

You gonna have to do a little better than that, James.

James

Hey, I'm about to tear you a new ass. And sew up your old ass!

Darnell

Okay. All right.

James

I'm gonna punch you in the fu*k! I'm gonna make you my b**ch's b**ch! You're gonna be my grand-b**ch! Yeah. You're about to get 20 likes on Instafu*k. If I see you around here again, I'm gonna put a hashtag on your ass. And see how many hits it gets. Hmm?

Darnell

Oh, my God.

James

Hope you brought your Costco card, because you're about to get d*ck in bulk!

Darnell

What? This is so dark.

James

How does a prix fixe dinner of five courses of d*ck sound? You eat organic?

Darnell

What?

James

How about fresh farm-to-table, a purée of my balls! Yeah. Merry Dickmas, Santa C*ck! Hmm?

Darnell

Okay. All right, man. Where is this stuff coming from, James?

James

Hey, son. You're a disappointment to your parents. Who I fu*ked!

Darnell

Oh, sh*t. James, this is sick. You gotta be crazy to think of this. That crazy is good.

James

Thank you.

Clip 9

Yep... he's still working on his trash talk. And now he's gone for tongue-twisters. Did Peter Piper really pick a peck of pickled c*cks? You decide.

James

Peter piper picked a peck of pickled c*cks!