11 MP3 Audio clips from In the Loop (2009)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Simon Foster has committed political suicide during a radio interview. Malcolm Tucker, the Prime Minister's Spin Doctor is really not impressed.

Simon Foster

Have we heard anything from Malcolm about last night's interview?

Judy Molloy

No. Not yet.

Simon Foster

Perhaps he didn't hear it.

Judy Molloy

Well, maybe he's dead.

Simon Foster

He might be dead! He might have finally had that massive stroke he's been heading for. It's been in the fu*king post!

[Cut to MALCOLM TUCKER listening to a radio interview during which SIMON FOSTER committed political suicide]

Preventable sickness in... in many of the poorest countries around the world, um... and, of course, the big one is diarrhoea which is a -

Malcolm Tucker

Oh... Diarrhoea... this is... I mean this is the Minster for International Development. He should be talking about food parcels, not fu*king arse-spraying mayhem.

Simon Foster

- and so if we can tackle the easy things like diarrhoea, then we can -

Malcolm Tucker

Oh, say it again. Yes, very good. What is this? The Sh*tting Forecast?!

Simon Foster

- and then, hopefully, that will strike another blow...

Clip 2

It's Toby's first experience of Malcolm Tucker. And I have a feeling it will be etched on his memory. For all the wrong reasons.

Judy Molloy

Minister.

Malcolm Tucker

Not the time, love. I'm busy. Fu*k off.

Judy Molloy

This is Toby.

Simon Foster

Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it. It's a bit of an odd morning here. Welcome to the madhouse. I apologise for Malcolm.

Malcolm Tucker

Don't apologise for me. Apologise for yourself. Did I not just tell you to fu*k off and yet you're still here?

Judy Molloy

It's true, I am, yes, still here.

Malcolm Tucker

Hi, Foetus Boy, lesson one, I tell you to fu*k off, what do you do?

Toby Wright

Eff off?

Malcolm Tucker

You'll go far. Now, fu*k off.

Toby Wright

Right.

Clip 3

Judy is not happy that something within her purview was not brought to her attention by the irritable and abrasive Malcolm Tucker.

Judy Molloy

Why wasn't I told about this?

Malcolm Tucker

Why the fu*k would I tell you about it? I've told you to fu*k off twice and yet you're still here!

Judy Molloy

You should tell me about it because it's a scheduled media appearance by this department's Secretary of State so therefore it falls well within my purview.

Malcolm Tucker

Within your purview?

Judy Molloy

Yes.

Malcolm Tucker

Where do you think you are, in some fu*king Regency costume drama? This is a government department, not a fu*king Jane fu*king Austen novel.

Simon Foster

Malcolm...

Malcolm Tucker

Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up the sh*tter with a lubricated horse c*ck.

Judy Molloy

Your swearing does not impress me. My... my husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury.

Clip 4

Karen Clark has a history with Lieutenant General Miller. And that fact shines through in this exchange at a social gathering.

Karen Clark

Hi.

Lt. Gen. Miller

Excuse me.

Karen Clark

Hello. How are you doing? Was it something I said? I haven't seen you in a month.

Lt. Gen. Miller

I haven't felt that in years. Thank you very much. You're beautiful.

Karen Clark

Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls.

Lt. Gen. Miller

Yes, I do... and some of the soldiers, too.

Karen Clark

Yes. That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions.

Lt. Gen. Miller

Come on, don't believe that sh*t. I'm not gonna run for office. I'm just trying to do something different.

Karen Clark

I know. It's one of the reasons I like you. I know you're passionate about education and housing and...

Lt. Gen. Miller

Lingerie.

Karen Clark

There you go.

Lt. Gen. Miller

Bestiality.

Karen Clark

I'd forgotten about that. Are you still allergic to the dog?

Lt. Gen. Miller

Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed and my head is swollen and I look like a giant ball sac.

Karen Clark

Oh, my God. You know, they do have modern medication for that sort of thing. Beautiful ball sac, though.

Lt. Gen. Miller

Thank you very much.

Clip 5

Toby Wright has accompanied Simon Foster on a fact-finding mission to Washington DC. But it's not all about the work...

Simon Foster

Tobes... hi.

Toby Wright

Hi.

Simon Foster

What are we gonna, um... do tonight?

Toby Wright

We gonna do tonight?

Simon Foster

Yes, uh... what are we up to, my... my chief aide..?

Toby Wright

Well... yeah, I mean, I sort of thought tonight we'd probably be just a bit tired, really.

Simon Foster

Yes, no, I am tired. But I'm also a career politician, Toby, in... in... in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours, and I thought it might be nice to, you know, go out rather than just sitting in my room trying to spank one out over a shark documentary, 'cause I'm scared if I watch a porno, it'll end up in the register of members' interests.

Clip 6

Toby has let Simon down by sleeping with an old flame and arriving for an important meeting once it was all over. Hmm. Time for a little chat, methinks.

Simon Foster

Uh, Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act here, but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. Like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, and then burst in late smelling like a p*ssed seaside donkey.

[Lamely]

"The British are coming."

Toby Wright

Look, all right, I was late for the meeting, Simon. I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?

Simon Foster

No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your d*ck out and start plucking it and shouting, "Willy banjo." No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.

Clip 7

Is it just Malcolm Tucker's perception or are senior US politicians getting younger?

Malcolm Tucker

Um, can I get a coffee?

A.J. Brown

Uh, sure, sure. If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly.

Malcolm Tucker

Your assistant?

A.J. Brown

Yeah. So, uh, item... uh, we need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, the bumps in the road ahead and what not.

Malcolm Tucker

I'm sorry, I don't... this situation here is... is this it? No offence, son, but I mean you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fu*king toilet.

A.J. Brown

Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but, uh, item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.

Malcolm Tucker

Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814 and I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fu*k. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fu*king throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy bunny. I thought... I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.

A.J. Brown

Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you on the work of the Future Planning Committee.

Malcolm Tucker

I'm away. And here we are. The fu*king Vice President has also graced us with his presence. Give him a bottle of milk.

Clip 8

Sometimes, just sometimes, Malcolm needs Judy Molloy. And, as usual, she's right there at the end of the phone to help him.

Malcolm Tucker

Where's the war committee? I thought I was going to the War Committee.

Judy Molloy

Simon's going to the War Committee. I thought you were doing your one-to-one?

Malcolm Tucker

Just tell me where the fu*k it's happening?

Judy Molloy

It's in the State Department on the seventh floor. Malcolm?

Malcolm Tucker

What?

Judy Molloy

Do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?

Malcolm Tucker

Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. A certain vinegar-faced, manipulative cowbag is about to discover that she's out of a fu*king... job. Fu*king hung up, haven't you? You fu*king hoity-toity fu*king...

Tourist

Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right?

Malcolm Tucker

Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fu*k.

Clip 9

Linton Barwick is about to learn first-hand what Malcolm's opinion of foetal politicians is.

Malcolm Tucker

Linton! Linton!

Linton Barwick

Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.

Malcolm Tucker

Are you fu*king me about?

Linton Barwick

Is there a problem, Mr. Tucker?

Malcolm Tucker

I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.

Linton Barwick

Oh, you're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.

Malcolm Tucker

Yeah, well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fu*king umbilical cord.

Linton Barwick

Well, I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?

Malcolm Tucker

Yeah, apparently, your fu*king master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...

Linton Barwick

All right. All right.

Malcolm Tucker

...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fu*king bail you out.

Clip 10

Jamie McDonald is like Malcolm Wright. But younger. And that, it seems, is the only difference between them.

Malcolm Tucker

I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to somebody else. Jamie!

Simon Foster

Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.

Jamie MacDonald

Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.

Simon Foster

What is this? Surround bollocking?

Jamie MacDonald

Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg c*nt. Now, I'm finished.

Simon Foster

Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.

Toby Wright

Oh, um... Toby Wright, I'm Simon's aide.

Jamie MacDonald

Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. Now, right, that's enough of all the fu*king Oxbridge pleasantries.

Simon Foster

What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

Jamie MacDonald

Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole punch your face?

Malcolm Tucker

Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.

Jamie MacDonald

Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids.

Clip 11

At last, Malcolm gets to meet Lt. Gen. Miller. And the meeting goes well. If by well I meant a complete fu*king disaster.

Malcolm Tucker

Ah it's a pleasure doing business with you. You know, I've come across a lot of psychos... but none as fu*king boring as you. I mean, you are a real, boring fu*k. Sorry. Sorry. I know you dislike swearing.

Lt. Gen. Miller

No, that's all right.

Malcolm Tucker

So, I'll sort that out. You are a boring F star-star c*nt.