11 MP3 Audio clips from The Cleaner (2021)

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Wicky is devastated to find that a particularly gruesome crime scene is going to make him late for his weekly curry at The White Horse.

Wicky

Bloody hell, Ruth... this is going to take ages.

Ruth

I told your boss it was a bad one.

Wicky

It's three o'clock. I'm supposed to be -

Ruth

Curry night. I told them, "He won't like this. It's curry night at The White Horse."

Wicky

It's on everything! Look, it's on the curtains, the bloody clock... who puts a white rug in a kitchen? Did Siegfried move here after Roy died? Jesus! What happened?

Ruth

A woman killed her husband.

Wicky

What with... a combine harvester?!

Ruth

Stabbed him. Thirty-eight times.

Wicky

Why?! To p*ss me off? You only need five stabs. Anything else is showboating.

Being unexpectedly taken hostage by the woman who stabbed her husband thirty-eight times has pretty much nailed the lid on the coffin that was curry night. Could Wicky's day get any worse?!

Sheila

Don't worry. I've no intention of hurting you. Mind you, I had no intention of hurting my husband. It's funny... I, um... I really don't remember what happened.

Wicky

You stabbed him. Thirty-eight times.

Sheila

Goodness me, I was cross, wasn't I?

Wicky

Yes. Five would have been plenty.

Sheila

Hmm.

Wicky

I mean... do you mind me asking -

Sheila

Hmm?

Wicky

What did he do wrong?

Sheila

He made models.

Wicky

No. No, I mean why did you kill him?

Sheila

I know what you meant and my answer remains.

Is there such a thing as "justifiable homicide"? I'm thinking possibly not. I'm with Wicky on this one. Sheila is a complete fruit-loop.

Wicky

I know what you mean. My ex, once... she put all the DVDs in alphabetical order and I ran her over with a van.

Sheila

Did you?

Wicky

No. Because I'm not a psychopath.

Sheila

I'm not a psychopath. I'm the treasurer of the community centre.

Wicky

Oh, right. Well, as long as the coffee morning receipts are in order... who's gonna begrudge you a little blood-bath?

Sheila

I see. Upstairs.

Wicky

I'm not going in the cupboard.

Sheila

Upstairs!

Sheila needs to prevent Wicky running away. But she also needs the bathroom. What to do? Get him to stand outside the bathroom door and talk. Thing is, he doesn't really know what to say!

Wicky

I can't think!

Sheila

Why not?

Wicky

I dunno. I suppose it's because I'm being held at gunpoint by a murderer who's having a sh*t!

Terence Redford is an author. He's also just lost his grandmother in a particularly messy gas explosion. So now is surely not the time to question Wicky's use of "tired clichés."

Wicky

I'm sorry.

Terence

What for?

Wicky

For your loss.

Terence

Why are you sorry? Did you kill her?

Wicky

I'm just being polite, mate.

Terence

It's another worn-out cliché. You're not sorry, you didn't know my grandmother... why would you be sorry that she's dead? It's a bastardisation of the language.

Wicky

You're right. I couldn't care less she's dead.

Terence

There! Now doesn't that feel fresher? The clean air of honesty.

Wicky

I'm glad she's dead.

Terence

Why would you be glad?

Wicky

I got carried away. It's -

Terence

You are indifferent. You didn't know my grandmother. You are indifferent to her life and death. That is proper.

Wicky

Sorry. About saying I'm glad. Not about her death.

Terence

About which you are...

Wicky

Indifferent?

One question. Just one. What are "mum tits?" I mean, I can only imagine that it's the breasts of a mum. Which is not something I've given much thought about, to be honest.

Wicky

Look... can I ask you something? A serious question.

Terence

Quickly, please.

Wicky

Why aren't you upset about your gran?

Terence

What makes you think I'm not upset?

Wicky

Well, normally people are affected by a loss. They show it in some way. What about your nan?

Terence

She was an extraordinary woman and her loss; a fire in my soul.

Wicky

Tell your face.

Terence

Tell my face what?

Wicky

Normally people... cry?

Terence

I can't afford to cry. Look, I could break down now in front of you... rivers of tears and fall into your arms and then what?

Wicky

Well, then you'd feel better. I'm a great cuddle. Look! I've got lovely big mum tits. Come on!

Terence

Oh God!

Wicky

Come on!

Wicky has the wrong keys to a crime scene. And when the disabled lady who lives next door engages him in conversation, it gets real surreal real quick!

Wicky

I'm a Crime Scene Cleaner.

Helena

Well, why are you ringing the doorbell if you know he's dead?

Wicky

I thought his relatives might be in. No?

Helena

No. He didn't have any. Just a dog.

Wicky

Well, here's the thing... some dogs can open doors these days. My mate Daz, he taught his dog to walk on it's hind legs. In the end, that's the only way it walked. Yeah. It was weird seeing him around town. Just looked like he was hanging out with a hairy kid that kept sh*tting on pavements.

Helena dumped her boyfriend because she's vegan and he was sneaking off having meat orgies (her words, not mine) behind her back.

Wicky

Did you really dump him just because he goes for a steak every now and then?

Helena

Well, you might be happy to date a mass-murderer but I'm not. It's clear you've had a few burgers, isn't it?

[HELENA plays the bongos on WICKY'S stomach]

Wicky

Awwww... come on!

Helena

Yeah. It's fine to kill and eat animals. Maybe I should date a people trafficker next. Get myself a nice slave to do my housework.

Wicky

You can't compare. They're animals.

Helena

Well, you're old enough to remember The Smiths aren't you? Did Morrisey not get to you?

Wicky

Yeah. Meat is Murder's a great song. So's Fu*k the Police. I don't take songs literally. I have had sex with a policewoman, though. It was a dry hump.

Miss Hosier is an aristocrat. A kindly but severe octogenarian who lives alone in a massive house. And who has a mean swing with a gold club. Hence the blood splatter pattern on the stairs.

Wicky

If someone's died in their own home, I... uh, I like putting things right for them.

Miss Hosier

Put things right. How noble.

Wicky

Yeah. Better for things to be left as they were in the happy times. You know, before... well, before their brains got splattered all over the carpet.

Miss Hosier

Oh, for God's sake, man.

Wicky

Sorry but you'd be thankful this one was fresh. If they've been left, it can be rank.

Miss Hosier

Rank?

Wicky

You don't want to know. Insects, bacteria... it's gross. There was one last week, I mean... the stench of decay in that room. It was so heavy in the air, it was like... it was like my nan had farted in my mouth. And she only ate ham.

Maggie is Wicky's old flame. She's also, by coincidence, the owner of a country holiday home where a burglar has had his hand blown off by a disgruntled farmer armed with a shotgun.

Maggie

What are you doing here, Wicky? Is this your job now? Cleaner?

Wicky

Crime Scene Cleaner. It's a bit more specialist, like.

Maggie

You was the messiest bugger I've ever known.

Wicky

You can talk... taking your tights and your pants off all at once and leaving them all over the floor.

Maggie

[Laughing]

I still do that. Figure of eight you used to call it.

Wicky

Yeah, the smelly figure of eight.

Maggie

Smelly?

Reminiscing about old times can back-fire. Especially when you believe that you were a lothario and your ex doesn't quite remember things the way you do. Awkward!

Wicky

Do you remember our holiday to Greece?

Maggie

I do.

Wicky

Perfect, wasn't it? Come on! We were shagging for the whole trip, weren't we?

Maggie

Oh yeah. It was a bit early days frenetic wasn't it?

[They laugh]

Yeah, I do.

Wicky

We always did have good sex.

Maggie

We did, yeah.

[As she says this, MAGGIE looks away as though concealing something]

Wicky

What was that?

Maggie

What?

Wicky

That.

[He copies the gesture that MAGGIE has just made]

Maggie

Well, nothing, no... it was good. It was good.

Wicky

What?

Maggie

Well... it was a bit... samey.

Wicky

SAMEY?!

Maggie

Yeah, but that's all right, I mean... it's not your fault. You're not built for a variety of angles, are you? You're so tall -

Wicky

I'm all about the angles. People know me for the angles.

Maggie

Wicky... it's like being taken from behind by the Eiffel Tower. And you can't go on top, which is...

Wicky

Are you actually joking? I'm amazing on top.

Maggie

It's easy for you to say. You're not trapped under all this...

[She indicates WICKY'S stomach]

Wicky

You're sh*t at art!