11 MP3 Audio clips from Four Lions (2010)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

There's a need for some of the gang to attend a terrorist training camp in preparation for their attack on London. Barry wants a piece of that action. But Barry is, to be fair, a total fu*kwit.

Barry

All right, I'm coming.

Omar

Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now, do you?

Barry

Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.

Omar

Think of the group, Barry. Think of what we're trying to do, right? It's best to stay here, bro. You're a liability and you're a loose cannon.

Barry

What? Bollocks, I'm a liability. I am the invisible Jihadi. They seek him here, they seek him there. But he's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister.

Omar

Invisible?

Barry

Yeah.

Omar

Right, like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it in the synagogue on 9/11?

Barry

That is part of the plan. Hide in plain sight, you mug. And I am coming!

Clip 2

Barry is determined to be involved in the training camp expedition. But the others aren't so sure. To the extent that Barry ends up hog-tied in the boot of the car. Which doesn't please him much.

Barry

What if you get caught? I'm not going down.

Omar

Shut it.

Barry

Just 'cos you can't take a drill in the kneecap. They'll crack you like babies fingers. They'll pump you full of Viagra, make you fu*k a dog.

Omar

Good prattle, Barry.

Barry

You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch.

Clip 3

It's time to rally the troops. Get them incentivised and fired up for the impending atrocities. And Omar has a prepared speech for just such an occasion.

Omar

We have instructions to bring havoc to this bullsh*t, consumerist, Godless, Paki-bashing, Gordon Ramsay, Taste the Difference speciality cheddar, torture-endorsing, massacre-sponsoring, "Look at me dancing p*ssed with my nob out", Sky One Uncovered, "Who gives a fu*k about dead Afghanis?" Disneyland.

Others

Mashallah!

Waj

Fu*k mini Babybels!

Clip 4

Barry has an outlandish and frankly ridiculous plan which everyone except Omar has accepted without hesitation. Their target for the planned suicide bombing? The mosque. Yes. The mosque.

Barry

Well, we got a target, bro. We're all agreed.

Omar

What is it?

Barry

It's the mosque.

Omar

What?

Barry

Yeah! Bomb the mosque, radicalise the moderates, bring it all on.

Omar

OK, right. No, I like that. I do like that, that's brilliant. 'Cos let... let's take out a bunch of Muslims because they're the real enemy, aren't they Barry? Once we've done that, why don't we truck-bomb a kebab shop and... and fly a jumbo jet into Waj's mum's head? Why don't we get a pig and staple-gun it to our foreheads?

Faisal

Let's bomb Boots. They sell condoms that make you want to bang white girls.

Clip 5

On the way to their target, laden with highly-unstable explosives, Barry's car breaks down. Which doesn't please Omar too much. Barry, however, decides to blame someone else. Jewish people. Hmm.

Omar

Did you fix this, then, Barry?

Barry

Yes, I fixed it!

Omar

Did you?

Barry

It's the parts. They're Jewish.

Omar

What parts in a car are Jewish? Hmm?

Faisal

Spark plugs?

Barry

Spark plugs. Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.

Clip 6

Continuing their journey to martyrdom on foot, Faisal has a bit of an accident and becomes the first of the gang to die for the cause. Spectacularly, I might add.

Barry

Hey, bro! Run!

Waj

Hey, brother Faisal!

Barry

Over the wall, Faisal!

Waj

Yeah, run faster, bro!

Barry

Yeah, but not too fast!

[FAISAL trips and falls, detonating the explosives he's carrying and blowing himself and an innocent sheep up in the process]

[FADE to OMAR who is presented with a black plastic bin bag containing what's left of FAISAL and the collaterally obliterated sheep]

Omar

Where is he?

Barry

It was a martyr's death.

Waj

Gone paradise, innit, brother Omar?

Barry

He disrupted the infrastructure.

Omar

How did he do that?

Barry

He took out a sheep. Magnificently took it right out.

Omar

Did he?

Barry

Attacked the food supply.

Hassan

Some of it's in there... with him.

Omar

What?

Hassan

I couldn't separate it.

Omar

So what is he, lads? Is he a martyr or is he a fu*king jalfrezi?

Clip 7

You can't win an argument by being nice. Or by being right. According to the genius that is Barry.

Barry

No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice. You cannot win an argument just by being nice.

Omar

No, not just by being nice, Baz. I'm right as well, aren't I?

Barry

Also, you cannot win an argument just by being right.

Omar

No?

Barry

No. No way.

Waj

I think maybe you can, Barry?

Barry

Who asked you, fu*k-brain?

Clip 8

Hassan has chickened out. He doesn't want to be a martyr and he sure as sh*t doesn't want to be a martyr by being a suicide bomber. It's time to surrender to the police.

Hassan

HEY!

Omar

Where's he gone? Where the fu*k has he gone?

Barry

Sh*t!

Omar

What the fu*k's he doing?

Hassan

HELP! HELP! I'M ACCIDENTALLY A SUICIDE BOMBER!

Police Officer

STOP!

Hassan

I'VE GOT A BOMB!

Barry

He's bottled it.

Omar

No, no, no. Maybe it's just the costume. The... the legs make the hands go up.

Hassan

I'VE GOT A BOMB BUT IT'S A MISTAKE!

Barry

No, no, no. He said he's got a bomb.

Police Officer

YOU'VE GOT A BOMB?

Hassan

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT A BOMBER!

Barry

Don't worry.

[BARRY dials a number on his mobile... the number that will remotely trigger HASSAN'S suicide vest]

Police Officer

THIS IS A FU*KING... BAD PRANK, MATE!

Hassan

NO, NO, NO, NO! NO! I'M REAL. BUT NOT ANY MORE!

Police Officer

YOU'RE REAL BUT NOT ANY MORE? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HAVE YOU GOT A BOMB?

Hassan

YES! BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO GO OFF!

Police Officer

HOW DO I KNOW THAT?

Hassan

LOOK!

[HASSAN suddenly and messily detonates]

Clip 9

It must be every police sniper's worst nightmare. A marathon where suicide bombers are in fancy dress. So easy to mistake a wookie for a bear or a Honey Monster for... a bear. Holy sh*t! Poor wookie.

Control

We have strike. Target confirmations are ostrich and grizzly bear. Ostrich and grizzly bear are targets.

[SNIPER 1 shoots a runner dressed as CHEWBACCA who falls to the ground unceremoniously]

Sniper 1

The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down. I got the bear.

Sniper 2

I think that's a wookie. That's a wookie!

Sniper 1

No, it's not, its a bear.

Sniper 2

[Into his radio]

Is a wookie a bear, control?

Control

The bear target has changed. It's now target Honey Monster.

Sniper 2

[Into his radio]

Is a Honey Monster a bear?

Control

A Honey Monster is not a bear.

Sniper 1

[Into his radio]

A Honey Monster is a bear. The Honey Monster is down. He was a target. He was the bear.

Control

The Honey Monster is down?

Sniper 2

[Into his radio]

The Honey Monster is not down, control. We have a wookie down.

Control

What's a wookie?

Sniper 1

[Into his radio]

A bear. It's a bear!

Sniper 2

No. It is a wookie. You've just shot it as a bear.

Control

Is a wookie a bear?

Sniper 1

[Into his radio]

It's a bear. Repeat, it's a bear.

Sniper 2

[Into his radio]

The wookie is down. The wookie is not the target.

Sniper 1

Well, it must be the target. I just shot it!

Clip 10

Barry has just kicked Omar in the happy-sack and proceeded to throw him a phone without a SIM card. A SIM card that he then swallows. Sort of. Enter the good Samaritan to render first aid.

Omar

Aargh! Oh!

Barry

Ah, look at the Paki Bono. You want to call him? You want to call the special-needs donkey? Here you go.

[BARRY throws OMAR a mobile phone which he catches]

Forgot the SIM card.

[Attempting to swallow the SIM card, it catches in BARRY'S throat and he begins to choke. Seeing this, a diner in the restaurant comes running to his aid]

Man

Mind out. Mind out the way. Easy, chap. OK. It's all right, I can Heimlich. That's it, don't fight me. That's it.

[The MAN prepares to deliver an abdominal thrust, unwittingly to a suicide bomber]

Omar

Wait!

Man

I've done this before, sonny. There we are, now. That's it. Now, don't fight it. That's it, that's it, that's it. And catch the peanut!

[And, predictably, this leads to BARRY releasing his trigger and blowing himself and the good Samaritan to pieces]

Clip 11

The key to being a police negotiator is not to offend a terrorist who has several hostages. Don't accidentally imply that he might be gay. That's page one of the negotiator's manual.

Waj

OK, we can talk about girls.

Negotiator

Right, so what sort of girls are you into then, Waj?

Waj

I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.

Negotiator

Yeah? You like them big, Waj?

Waj

Yeah. And nice fit arses, too, man.

Negotiator

You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.

Waj

What are you saying?

Negotiator

No, I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.

Waj

You giving me batty chirps, bro?

Negotiator

What?

Waj

You calling me a whammer?

Negotiator

No.

Waj

Fu*k off!

[WAJ disconnects the call and throws the mobile onto the table]

Fu*king Boy George!