16 MP3 Audio clips from America: The Motion Picture (2021)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Ford's Theater in Washington D.C. was the unlikely venue for the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. And the prices at their merchandise stand were, apparently, fu*king insane!

Abe

Four score and seven years ago, I swore an oath to never tell a lie. To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand, which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you your prices are fu*king insane!

Vendor

Wow! Easy!

[The crowd voice their agreement and solidarity with the President]

Clip 2

Benedict Arnold. "Ben" to his friends. And he didn't have many of them once he'd turned traitor.

Ben

I changed teams, a**holes.

Abe

Oh, Ben, good for you! I'm so glad that you're embracing your true self.

Ben

No! I'm gonna be fu*kin' rich.

Abe

Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy, would love to meet him. Hey, maybe we could do a double date?

Ben

I think you're misunderstanding. I'll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle.

Abe

Hey, whatever you guys do in private is your business. That's one of the things we're fighting for!

Ben

Stop being so damn accepting for a minute!

Clip 3

We all know that John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln. With a gun. Not Benedict Arnold. With a knife. But this is a movie. And having killed Abe, he leaps onto the stage and says...

Ben

Sic semper my d*ck, b**ches!

Clip 4

Abe is dying. Messily. And George Washington is there to comfort his friend in his last moments. And to gag uncontrollably when control of the bowels is finally surrendered.

Abe

There is no time, George. My death-sh*t is imminent. America, okay? Just remember...

[Groans and farts]

America.

And with that, his life blood spraying into George's face, he defecates noisily]

George

[Gags]

No...

[Gags]

Okay, hold it. ABE!

Clip 5

In the street in the dead of night, George Washington finally surrenders to his grief. But being America, it's not long before a neighbour takes issue with his emotional outburst.

George

No. THIS... IS FOR... AMERICA!

[A window opens]

Neighbour

SHUT... THE FU*K... UP!

George

Yep!

Clip 6

Samuel Adams was the founding father of America. So it's hardly a surprise to find out that, in this world at least, he was a Fraternity President.

Samuel

We'd still be partying right now if they hadn't shut us down last night. It's 'cause of my beer. The British, they just can't handle it.

George

Beer?

Fraternity

BEER!

Samuel

It's made from rotten grass. Try this sh*t. You're gonna love it. You don't even have to put cow d*ck milk in it.

George

Cow d*ck milk. Right.

Samuel

This guy gets it!

Clip 7

Thumb lube? Thumbs up asses? Covered in cum? What kind of a fraternity is this? Oh. Right. The normal kind, I guess.

George

You pack quite the punch, Samuel Adams with an "A."

Samuel

You're damn right, I do. And I hope you got room for everybody. 'Cause whatever I do, wherever I go, I do and go with every single one of my fraternity brothers. Where we at, boys?

Fraternity Member

All right, pledges, circle up and grab some thumb lube.

Fraternity

[Cheer]

Fraternity Member

Thumbs up their ass!

Samuel

You know what? You know what? You know what? It's just occurring to me now, it is hell week. These guys are gonna be so busy.

George

Uh, okay.

Samuel

And covered in cum.

Clip 8

Benedict Arnold is on the docks to greet King James. But King James has little time for pleasantries. He needs to drop the kids off at the pool. If you catch my drift.

Ben

Greetings, Your Highness. May I be the first to welcome you to your New World?

King James

You may dispense with the pleasantries, Arnold. Such as they are.

Ben

Uh, yes, and this is, like, the nice part of town.

King James

Well, it smells like sh*t, which reminds me, I need to make room for second breakfast. I've had my fill of mushy peas and blood sausage.

Clip 9

George Washington likes to make an entrance. He takes the doors of this Redcoat pub off their hinges and then greets the enemy with this immortal line.

Redcoat

Guv'nor.

[George kicks the door off and enters with his band of reprobates]

George

Ding dong, it's America, mother-fu*ker!

Clip 10

Samuel's propensity for murder is extraordinary. But then he did take murder lessons from John Wick. No. Not that John Wick. Obviously. No. He means the candle maker. Of course.

George

Your propensity for murder is extraordinary.

Samuel

Thank you. I took murder lessons from John Wick.

George

[Gasps]

The candle maker?

Samuel

Yeah! That dude is a fu*kin' psycho!

[Laughs]

Clip 11

George is having doubts about his mission. He needs some encouragement. And what better encouragement could there possibly be than alcohol? Lots and lots of alcohol.

George

Look, this isn't fun anymore.

Samuel

Uh, I can fix that. Let's get hammered! Then, fu*k it, we hit the streets mob-rules style. Anyone we see who doesn't look like us, they see the bottom of our boots!

Geronimo

Oh my God!

Samuel

Okay, fine, no Indians this time. Ooh, geez.

Edison

Oh, my God. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Sam. This is not India.

Geronimo

Also, you're a fu*king racist.

Samuel

Uh, no, Paul's the racist. He's the best horse racist in the colonies.

Paul

Yeah, I'm a great racist.

Geronimo

Holy sh*t!

Clip 12

Martha is a giving person. In times of great need, she's always the first to willingly lend a hand. Which is a euphemism. Oh yes.

Martha

The tirelessness with which you've pursued your quest has betrayed your confidence in it. Perhaps a quick HJ to help you sleep.

[She reaches under the cover and grabs George's... um... well, you know...]

George

Generous, but I need to earn it.

Clip 13

Samuel's plan to kill Benedict Arnold has gone very slightly awry. Benedict is an excellent swimmer. And his logic is quite remarkable.

Benedict Arnold

Yes, well, I'm an excellent swimmer, d*ckhead. You should have done your research.

Samuel

Thanks for the tip. When Edison invents the Internet next year, I'll make sure to edit your Wikipedia page myself. "Benedict Arnold, great swimmer and a total fu*king asswipe."

Benedict Arnold

Well, I'll just change it back.

Samuel

No, you won't. Because you'll be dead!

Clip 14

Edison is peering through binoculars at Redcoats stood around a table at 1 Merica Street (the "Gettysburg Address!"). What could they be doing? Well, one of two things, apparently.

Edison

Guys, you have got to see this. Look.

[The binoculars are handed to George]

George

Whoa!

Samuel

What do you see?

George

Redcoats standing around a table. And there's only one reason grown men would stand around a table.

Samuel

To jerk off.

George

To plot - wait, what?

Samuel

To... plot.

Clip 15

King James is filling his face with an indulgent feast. As rulers of England were apt to do. He doesn't have a care in the world and Martha's threats don't make a dent in his appetite.

King James

Did you want some?

Martha

Enjoy it while you can, James. Before my husband rips your fu*king d*ck off!

King James

My dear, now that my Ultimate Doomsday Machine is complete, your husband and his band of traitorous ne'er-do-wells will soon be ripping their own d*cks off.

[Laughs maniacially]

Martha

Why would they do that?

King James

Do what?

Martha

Rip their own d*cks off?

King James

Because. That's why!

[Laughs maniacally]

Clip 16

The AR-15. I'm pretty sure it wasn't invented at the time of the War of Independence. And George makes a good point. An AR-15 should never fall into the hands of the general populace.

George

All right, everybody, come on! Grab an AR-15. These little death machines here are gonna even the odds for us. But once the war is over though, okay, I definitely need them back.

Fighter

Yeah, man. No problem.

George

Yeah, they're just way too dangerous for civilians to keep. Am I right?