5 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Catherine Tate Show (2004)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Janice and Ray. They're not... how can I put this... cosmopolitan. They like simple food. None of this gastro-pub, Cordon bleu, boutique stuff. Or Shiitake mushrooms. Definitely not them.

Janice

So we gets in and there's this sign saying it was... what did they call it?

Ray

A Gastro Pub. Don't ask.

Janice

So we sits down and we looks at the menu.

Ray

Listen to this...

Janice

Well, first thing on the menu was mushroom soup. Ray really liked the sound of that, didn't you?

Ray

Yeah. Not for long.

Janice

But then he read what were in it.

Ray

Listen to this...

Janice

When he read what sort of mushrooms they were.

Ray

This... is unbelievable.

Janice

What were they called?

Ray

Dried... Sh*t... Ake... mushrooms. The dirty bastards!

Sheila is an exacting, sour-faced and pedantic Scottish woman. With terminal flatulence and absolutely no shame about discharging it at will.

Sheila

Is that air freshener I can smell?

Taxi Driver

Yeah, it's supposed to be vanilla.

Sheila

It's very overpowering.

Taxi Driver

I can put it in the glove compartment if it's bothering you.

Sheila

Would you mind?

[The driver stashes the air freshener in the glove compartment]

Sorry, do you mind if we don't have the radio on?

Taxi Driver

Sure. No problem.

[He switches off the radio]

Sheila

Just got a bit of a headache.

[She looks out of the window and sees an old car, belching fumes from its exhaust]

Look at that. Do you mind winding up your window?

Taxi Driver

Yeah, sure.

[He dutifully winds up his window]

Sheila

Disgusting.

[Sheila raises herself onto one ass cheek and lets rip]

Bernie is a disgrace to nursing. She's offensive, rude, lazy and greedy. She's also a little too open and honest about her... lady problems.

Bernie

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Hicks. But I've got a bit of a personal problem for which I was told to apply live yoghurt. But I could only find a Müller Crunch Corner so you can imagine the chafing I've had all morning!

It's Sheila again. This time she's in a confessional booth with a poor unsuspecting priest who advises her to "let out" whatever's troubling her. May God have mercy on him.

Sheila

Bless me, Father for I have sinned. It's been over two months since my last confession.

Priest

Speak, my child. Take your time. There's no rush. Whatever it is inside that's troubling you, just let it go. Just let it go.

[And Sheila, sure as sh*t, lets it go]

Every office has a "Kate" and a long-suffering Ellen who has to tolerate her. Kate isn't a Karen. No. Kate is a Kate. She's a pain in the ass. And she never shuts up.

Kate

Guess which swear word people find most offensive.

Ellen

No.

Kate

Go on. Guess which swear word people in this office find the most offensive.

Ellen

Well, I really wouldn't know.

Kate

Of course you wouldn't. That's what makes guessing such a brilliant game!

Ellen

Umm...

Kate

Come on!

Ellen

Well, I don't swear very much.

Kate

Doesn't matter. Join in the game.

Ellen

I suppose it depends on the individual.

Kate

Come on. Which swear word did everyone in this office, collectively, find the most offensive?

Ellen

I haven't a clue.

Kate

Just take a bloody guess. Look, there's on already.

Ellen

I'm really no good at this sort of thing.

Kate

It's just a bit of fun. Guess!

Ellen

Umm...

Kate

Come on!

Ellen

Tit wa*k!

Kate

Tit wa*k? Tit wa*k? When have you ever heard anyone in this office say tit wa*k?

Ellen

I said I didn't know!