14 MP3 Audio clips from Mean Girls (2004)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's the introduction to the movie where Cady explores the negative stereotypes about kids who, like her, were home-schooled.

Cady Heron (V/O)

I guess it's natural for parents to cry on their kid's first day of school. But, you know, this usually happens when the kid is five. I'm sixteen and until today, I was home-schooled. I know what you're thinking. "Home-schooled kids are freaks."

[We cut to a Spelling Bee where a nerdy looking girl is spelling a difficult word]

Girl

X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P. Xylocarp.

Cady Heron (V/O)

Or that we're weirdly religious or something.

[We cut to a typical Southern scene, some decidedly inbred looking young boys sat with their backs to targets attached to sand bags]

Boy

And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.

Boys

A-men!

Clip 2

Mr. Duvall is the Principal of North Shore High School and he's popping into Ms. Norbury's class to welcome their new student.

Mr. Duvall

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a, uh... new student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa.

[Ms. Norbury assumes that he's speaking about a black student in her class and incorrectly addresses her]

Ms. Norbury

Welcome.

Girl

I'm from Michigan.

Ms. Norbury

Great!

Mr. Duvall

Her name is Caddy. Caddy Heron. Where are you, Caddy?

Cady Heron

That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.

Mr. Duvall

My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

Clip 3

Damian is very much in touch with his feminine side. He just loves the colour of Cady's hair. So much so, that he wants that colour himself.

Damian

Is that your natural hair colour?

Cady Heron

Yeah.

Damian

It's gorgeous.

Cady Heron

Thank you.

Damian

See, this is the colour I want.

Janis Ian

This is Damian. He's almost too gay to function.

Cady Heron

Nice to meet you.

Student

Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?

Janis Ian

Your mom's chest hair!

Clip 4

Coach Carr shouldn't be teaching Health Class. Firstly, he's woefully misinformed and, perhaps more importantly, he has a predilection for underage girls.

Coach Carr

Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up. Just don't do it, promise? Okay, everybody take some rubbers.

Clip 5

It's Cady's first day at North Shore High School. Time to let the pranks begin. We'll start with Jason who decides to conduct a culinary survey over lunch. A survey loaded with double-entendre.

Jason

Hey. We're doing a lunchtime survey of new students. Can you answer a few questions?

Cady Heron

Okay.

Jason

Is your muffin buttered?

Cady Heron

What?

Jason

Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?

Cady Heron

My what?

Clip 6

Is Jason going out with Taylor? No. That can't happen. Not in Regina's world. It's time to put paid to that little arrangement with a single, well-placed prank phone call.

Regina George

Wait. Jason's not going out with Taylor. No. He cannot blow you off like that. He's such a little skeez. Give me your phone.

Gretchen Wieners

You're not gonna call him, right?

Regina George

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Gretchen Wieners

No.

[REGINA steps away from her friends and places a call to Information]

Regina George

Wedell on South Boulevard.

Gretchen Wieners

Caller ID.

Regina George

Not when you connect from Information.

[The call is answered by TAYLOR'S MOM]

Taylor's Mom

Hello?

Regina George

Hello. May I please speak to Taylor Wedell?

Taylor's Mom

She's not home yet. Who's calling?

Regina George

Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood. I have her test results. If you can have her give me a call as soon as she can. It's urgent. Thank you.

[We see TAYLOR'S MOM fall sideways, plank-style to the floor at the very thought of her little girl being pregnant]

Clip 7

Regina has let Cady use some of her perfume. Which was nice of her. Except that it's not a sophisticated or pleasant scent. In fact, it makes her smell like a...

Janis Ian

What is that smell?

Cady Heron

Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

Janis Ian

You smell like a baby prostitute.

Cady Harris

Thanks.

Clip 8

Karen Smith. Let's just say that when God was handing out brains, she was probably standing with her back to him with her fingers in her ears. And there's really nothing between them.

Cady Heron

You're not stupid, Karen.

Karen Smith

No. I am, actually. I'm failing almost everything.

Cady Heron

Well, there must be something you're good at.

Karen Smith

I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see?

Cady Heron

No. That's OK. Anything else?

Karen Smith

I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense.

Cady Heron

What do you mean?

Karen Smith

It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain.

Cady Heron

Really? That's amazing.

Karen Smith

Well, they can tell when it's raining.

Clip 9

They still haven't learned. Coach Carr continues to teach Health Ed. despite the fact he could learn more from listening to his students than they ever will listening to him.

Coach Carr

At your age, you're gonna be having a lot of urges. You're gonna want to take off your clothes and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia. And die.

Clip 10

Photocopies of The Burn Book have been scattered throughout the school corridors and the students are about to find out exactly what's been written about them. Amber D'Alessio in particular.

[AMBER D'ALESSIO stoops and picks up a photocopy of her page from The Burn Book and is horrified by what she reads]

Amber D'Alessio

"Made out with a hot dog"? Oh, my God, that was one time!

Clip 11

It's time Mr. Duvall took the bull by the horns and put right what's gone wrong in his school. And it all starts in the gymnasium where he's holding court over the female students.

Mr. Duvall

Now, what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're gonna get it right now. I don't care how long it takes, I will keep you here all night.

[A FEMALE TEACHER leans in an corrects him]

Female Teacher

We can't keep them past 4.

Mr. Duvall

I will keep you here until 4.

Clip 12

No sooner than Mr. Duvall has got into his rhythm, a student knocks the wind out of his sails. I'm not sure how any teacher, regardless of gender, should handle this particular conversation.

Mr. Duvall

So who has a lady problem that they'd like to talk about?

[A GIRL close to the front of the bleachers raises her hand, somewhat coyly]

Yes?

Girl

Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super-jumbo tampons. But I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina.

Mr. Duvall

Yeah, I can't do this.

Clip 13

Ms. Norbury is running a trust exercise. Each girl stands on a desk, apologises for something or to someone and then falls backwards into the crowd who catch them and break their fall.

Regina George

[Seeing that JANIS IAN is next to take to the table]

Oh, my God. It's her dream come true, diving into a big pile of girls.

Janis Ian

OK, yeah, um... I've got an apology. So I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And, uh... we gave her these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and we turned her best friends against her. And then... oh, yeah, Cady... you know my friend Cady. She, uh... made out with Regina's boyfriend and then convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave you foot cream instead of face wash. God! I am so sorry, Regina. Really, I don't know why I did it. I guess it's probably because I've got a big lesbian crush on you. Suck on that!

[JANIS lets out a tribal war cry and falls backwards into the hands of an adoring crowd who begin to chant her name]

Crowd

Janis! Janis! Janis! Janis!

Clip 14

Cady's dad might be an award winning zoologist (as, incidentally, is her mum) but he really should have taken parenting classes because he seriously has no clue. Not one.

Cady's Mom

Where's Cady?

Cady's Dad

She went out.

Cady's Mom

She's grounded.

Cady's Dad

Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?