8 MP3 Audio clips from Just Friends (2005)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Chris Brander is in his bedroom, miming to I Swear by All-4-One when in walks his little brother, Mike. Mike doesn't understand. He believes any guy who mimes to a ballad must be a "homo."

Chris Brander

♪For better or worse...

Mike Brander

[Laughing]

Raise your hands if your brother's a homo!

Chris Brander

Get out of my room!

Mike Brander

Mom!

Chris Brander

Stupid! Anybody ever hear of privacy around here?!

Clip 2

Fast forward ten years and Chris is at home with Samantha James, a shallow, talentless but gorgeous pop star when in walks Mike.

Mike Brander

All right. Good job, Dougie.

Carol Brander

Oh, hi, honey!

Mike Brander

[Seeing SAMANTHA on the couch next to his brother]

Oh my God!

Chris Brander

Mikey!

Mike Brander

Oh my God!

[As CHRIS goes to hug his brother, MIKE slaps him across the face and sits down next to SAMANTHA]

Mike Brander

Is that my Christmas present?

Mike Brander

Sam, my younger brother Mike.

Samantha James

Samantha James.

Mike Brander

Samantha James. Mike Brander. It is an honour. I have your poster on my wall but you... are way hotter in person.

Samantha James

I know!

Chris Brander

You have her poster on your wall?

Mike Brander

Yeah. I slapped the ham to it like an hour ago.

Carol Brander

What ham did you slap? Not the ham that I just bought?

Clip 3

It's time for Chris to reunite with his would-be father-in-law. It's a hate-hate relationship and Mr. Palamino can't help but mock the boy who fawned over his daughter all those years ago.

Chris Brander

Mr. Palamino!

Mr. Palamino

Well well well, if it isn't Mr. Valentine's Day! This guy, every Valentine's Day, he'd buy Jamie like a dozen roses. Used to drive all her boyfriends nuts! Ha! 'Til we explained, of course, it was just her little friend Chris.

Chris Brander

Yeah, I remember that!

[To himself]

You pr**k!

Clip 4

In an effort to impress Jamie, Chris is taking part in a game of Ice Hockey with the little kids. But they play rough. And he's using borrowed skates which, essentially, turns him into Bambi on Ice.

Kid

Get him, Terry!

[TERRY hacks CHRIS, sending him sprawling to the ice]

Chris Brander

HE HACKED ME!

Terry

Wanna fight, punk?

Chris Brander

What? Are you kidding me?

[TERRY begins punching CHRIS in the chest whilst the other kids gather around, chanting "Fight! Fight!"]

Parent

All right, all right, break it up, break it up. What is your problem? She's just a child.

Chris Brander

That's a girl?!

Terry

Pu**y!

Clip 5

Having taken a hockey puck to the face in a failed slapshot, Chris is receiving some emergency dental work at the hands of his old friend, Clark.

Clark

Didn't Dusty have like a huge crush on Jamie?

Chris Brander

Uh...

Clark

Yeah, you got some competition there, Chris. I mean, Dusty is a really nice guy.

Chris Brander

Yeah, well Jamie doesn't date nice guys. She puts them in the friend zone and then tortures the sh*t out of them.

Clark

I don't know. Jamie's come a long way since high school. I think she might be maturing.

Chris Brander

Maturing? So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pu**y she's ever seen.

Clip 6

Party lines can be a pain. Uninvited participants picking up phones in other rooms, joining in on your conversation... And nobody is more likely to do that than Mike Brander.

Jamie Palamino

Hello?

Chris Brander

Jamie!

Jamie Palamino

Chris! How are you feeling?

Chris Brander

So much better. Listen, I know it's Christmas Eve, but do you have any plans tonight?

Jamie Palamino

No.

Chris Brander

Well... the Revival Theatre in town is showing Nicholas Sparks's "The Notebook."

Mike Brander

[Groaning in disgust and disbelief]

Chris Brander

Hello? I'm on the phone.

Jamie Palamino

Really? You want to see "The Notebook"?

Chris Brander

Yes, because I love sentimental tear-jerkers.

Mike Brander

I'm gonna friggin' puke.

Chris Brander

Just a second.

[MIKE begins making puking noises, unaware that CHRIS is on his way to pound him]

Chris Brander

You are so dead. Do you hear me?

Mike Brander

Whatever, dude.

Jamie Palamino

What're you doing over there?

Mike Brander

Faggot.

Chris Brander

Nothing.

Jamie Palamino

Ooh, that's my call-waiting. One second.

Chris Brander

So, anyway...

Jamie Palamino

Hello?

Dusty Dinkleman

Hey, Jamie. It's Dusty.

Jamie Palamino

Hey, Dusty.

Dusty Dinkleman

Hey, listen, just...

Mike Brander

Dude, I think she left you hanging.

Chris Brander

It's probably just an important business call. Get off the phone.

Mike Brander

What, the bar ran out of curly fries?

Chris Brander

Get off the phone.

Mike Brander

Dude, are you gonna boink Jamie tonight?

Chris Brander

Yes. Are you happy now?

Mike Brander

All right. Dude, "The Notebook"'s so gay.

Chris Brander

Get off the phone!

Jamie Palamino

Sorry about that.

Chris Brander

That's okay. So anyway, what do you say?

Jamie Palamino

About what?

Chris Brander

Going to a movie tonight? Then maybe later we can go for some, uh... herbal tea.

Jamie Palamino

Okay, sure. Um... You know what? You're on my way to the theatre. Why don't I pick you up at like seven-thirty?

Chris Brander

It's a date.

Mike Brander

Homo.

Chris Brander

Bye for now.

Jamie Palamino

Bye.

Mike Brander

MOM! MOM! TRUCE!

Clip 7

All guys can relate to this. You're about to make love to the girl of your dreams, you're "all systems go" and your inner voice starts putting you off your stride. Sheesh!

Chris Brander (Inner Monologue)

This is it. You're finally gonna have sex with Jamie Palamino. Oh God, look at that face. Look at that body. Why are you smiling like a friggin' idiot? Go on, make a move. Make a move!

Jamie Palamino

What's on your mind?

Chris Brander

Bush... President Bush, The First Family, really.

Chris Brander (Inner Monologue)

Dude, you're killing me! This is the girl of your dreams. Ravish her! But what if she doesn't want to be ravished? What if she wants to stay friends? Friends don't ravish each other. Friends watch "New Year's Rockin' Eve." I wonder who's hosting this year?

Jamie Palamino

Chris, can you put your feet on mine? They're freezing.

Chris Brander (Inner Monologue)

Yeah. Hell yeah. Her feet aren't even cold. This is it. Don't even think about how weird tomorrow's gonna be.

Jamie Palamino

Chris.

Chris Brander (Inner Monologue)

Oh, God. Oh, God. What're you doing? Where're you going?

Jamie Palamino

Is everything all right?

Chris Brander

Oh, everything's fine. Yeah. You okay? Uh, you need another blanket or anything?

Jamie Palamino

No, I'm fine.

Chris Brander

Ah.

Chris Brander (Inner Monologue)

You're not gonna make a move, are you?

Chris Brander

Good night, Jamie.

Jamie Palamino

Good night, Chris.

Chris Brander (Inner Monologue)

You don't deserve a penis.

[In a true call-back to the 1980s, CHRIS claps his hand and the "Clapper" turns off the lights]

Clip 8

This is it. The final straw. Dusty Dinkleman has pushed Chris over the edge with his "nice guy" routine. Who cares if it's a children's concert? He's gonna get it. Both barrels.

Dusty Dinkleman

Would you guys like to join us in a carol to celebrate the birth of our Lord?

Chris Brander

NO!

[The red mist descends and CHRIS flies at DUSTY, knocking him off his feet onto the floor of the church and pounding him relentlessly whilst the children scream]