18 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Mary Whitehouse Experience (1990)

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I guess it's true. There are some music stars who are definitely NOT suitable to present those "on the ground" reports for Comic Relief. And Billy Idol is, in fairness, probably one of them.

News Anchor

And now we go over live to Eritrea, which has seen some of the worst of the suffering, for an on-the-spot location report from Billy Idol.

Billy Idol

Hi! All right, yeah! I see a lot of you chicks here are so excited you've got your tits out already. ROCK ON!

Remember Lynn Faulds Wood? She presented Watchdog back in the 1990s. She was a consumer activist and a public safety campaigner. Hugh Dennis's impression of her is inspired.

Lynn Faulds Wood

Recently, a margarine spread was launched under the name I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! The butter industry wouldn't allow it to be shown on television and the subsequent publicity made it enormously successful. So successful, in fact, that other companies are using the same idea with the launch of products like Surely These Are Pineapple Chunks?!, Oooh, But These Must Be Gravy Granules, Aren't They?! and Bollocks. This Is Custard Powder And I'll Deck Anyone Who Says It Isn't!

When you've recently broken up with someone, they say counselling can help. A counsellor is the same as a friend, they say. No. Not if your friends are like David Baddiel.

David Baddiel

Uh huh. Well, the one question that needs to be asked when any relationship ends is not, "How do I cope with the loss? or "What is there in my emotional history which seems to lead to a recurring pattern of unsuccessful relationships?" but... "Did she chuck you or did you chuck her?!"

Rob Newman

Well, it was sort of mutual, really. I mean, it's-

David Baddiel

Right, so she chucked you, then.

Rob Newman

No. No. I mean, if anything, I chucked her, actually.

David Baddiel

I think there might be some kind of denial here. A kind of refusal to accept rejection?

Rob Newman

Yes, I... I suppose so, yes.

David Baddiel

AHHHHH! SHE DID CHUCK YOU! YOU'RE SH*T! AHHHHH! Now, there's a... a few things I think you could do here to help you, in time, to value yourself again. Uh... one of these might be to, for example, to ring up her new boyfriend at three o'clock in the morning and say, "TIME TO DIE!" How do you feel about that?

They say that someone in a coma can respond to familiar voices and their favourite music. So why not make your friends and family their own "coma tapes", just in case?!

David Baddiel

Actually, one of the things I think about a lot is what I'd do if Rob had a terrible accident and went into a coma. I mean, it's been over five years we've been working together now. So, what I've done is... just in case, I've already made him his own coma tape.

[Presses play on a cassette player beside ROB'S hospital bed]

Awards Host

And the award for the Best Young Comedian goes to... David Baddiel.

David Baddiel

And now, a message from your girlfriend, Rachel.

Rachel

[In obvious sexual ecstasy]

Ohh, ohh Martin. Ohh, that's nice. Ohh, I never let Rob do that!

[Cut to ROB NEWMAN doing a piece to camera]

Rob Newman

My nan once said that she wouldn't want to live if she ever reached that point where she began to lose her mental powers.

[Cut to mock-up of a living room. Rob's Nan sits beside him on the couch, knitting]

Nan. If a quark is travelling at three nanoseconds below the speed of light, what, to the power of R, is its mass density?

[ROB'S NAN begins to consider the question with obvious and understandable difficulty at which point ROB pulls out a gun and puts it to her head]

GOOD BYE, NAN!

[We hear a single gun shot]

Sex. Sometimes there's just no way of getting away from it. So why not try Yoga? It's relaxing, it's healthy and it's distracting. But then, depending on the teacher, it can be a vicious cycle.

David Baddiel

I live with a constant background noise of sex. On and on and on, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! I even went to yoga classes eventually because I thought, you know, Buddhism, meditation, here at last, perhaps, is a carnal-free zone and the yoga teacher was absolutely gorgeous. She'd be bending over, talking to the class through her legs, saying, "We call this position The Swan," and I'd be saying, "Yes, and I call this position The Tripod!"

George Bernard Shaw. He was more than just a playwright. He was also extremely quick-witted. But what if he'd used that razor-sharp wit against ladies who were flirting with him?

Woman

Mister Shaw. You and I should make love for with my looks and your brains, we would have wonderful children.

George Bernard Shaw

Ah-hah! But what if the child were born with my looks and your brains?!

Man

Ha ha! Terribly good, Shaw.

[GEORGE BERNARD SHAW leaves the room with a superior smirk and closes the double-doors behind him]

George Bernard Shaw

OH, NO! I'VE JUST BLOWN OUT A DEFINITE SHAG! WHAT A TOSSER!

We're back to porn again. Sorry. This time we're considering the possibility that the creator of Thunderbirds (Gerry Anderson) might have made some early skin flicks.

Steve Punt

Gerry Anderson has cult early films which are seldom seen. Like Madonna and like Stallone, he has tried to suppress his long-lost porn film.

[DISSOLVE to a Thunderbirds style cabin in the woods inside of which two naked marionettes are having sex]

Female Marionette 1

Ooh!

Male Marionette

Hey... baby... let's do it! Uh-oh. No... genitals! Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Female Marionette 2

Ooh! Tie me up. Ooh! No need. I already am!

Male Marionette

Call International Rescue!

I've not experienced this myself but I know that it's true. Being treated like a kid when you return to your childhood home for a few days.

Steve Punt

As far as grandparents and parents are concerned, you never grow up. When you go back home for Christmas, it's assumed that you're not going to help with anything unless asked. Even if, in fact, you're offering.

[Cut to CHRISTMAS DAY in an typical living room]

MUM... DO YOU NEED A HAND WITH THE WASHING-

Father

Do you think your mother would like a hand with the washing-up?

Steve Punt

UH, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CLEAR AWAY THE-

Father

You could clear away the plates, at least!

Steve Punt

I NOTICED YOU WERE A BIT LOW ON-

Father

Yeah, well we're a bit low on milk but I don't suppose you would have noticed.

Steve Punt

Dad, why don't you-

Father

Now, who's gonna help me shove this up my ass?

Don't make Rob's mistake. If you call your girlfriend's house, she's not there and her mum answers, make sure you've hung up before making excited plans for what you're going to do to her daughter.

Rob Newman

Uh, hello... hello, is Rachel there, please? Ah, well, uh... tell your daughter, uh... to phone me when she gets in. Uh, it... it's Robert. Yeah. Thank... thank you... thank... thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

[He slams the receiver down but misses its cradle, leaving the line open]

YEAH, I'M GONNA CREAM THE B**CH! GONNA MAKE THE B**CH MINE, YEAH! I'M GONNA FILL THE B**CH, YEAH!

[RACHEL'S MOTHER is audible on the line]

Rachel's Mum

Hello, Robert? Are you still there?

Rob Newman

[To camera]

Oh dear!

History Today. This spawned a spin-off show and DVD all its own. And rightly so. It was inspired. Two eminent historians resorting to childish insults. Genius.

Host

Welcome to History Today. Uh... with me, in the chair today, is Professor F.J. Lewis, emeritus professor of History at All Souls College, Oxford and we will be talking about British history between nineteen-thirty-one and thirty-seven... the austerity years and principally the effect that rationing had on changes on government at that time. Professor Lewis, I wonder what you feel the nexus of cause and effect to be here.

Professor Lewis

You see that Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards?

Host

Yes.

Professor Lewis

That's you, that is. That's your mum.

Host

See that Peter Beardsley?

Professor Lewis

I'm aware of him.

Host

That's your girlfriend, that is.

Professor Lewis

Oh... ha ha ha ha ha! You see that, uh... old lady over there?

Host

Yeah.

Professor Lewis

You love her.

Host

I don't.

Professor Lewis

Psst. Oi! Excuse me. He fancies you!

Host

You see Thora Hird?

Professor Lewis

I'm aware of her work.

Host

You fancy her!

Professor Lewis

No. You are her!

Host

I'm not. I'm bloody not!

Professor Lewis

Oh, well...

Host

How could you say that?

Professor Lewis

You are her. Everyone thinks you are. She's like... your best friend.

Host

Well, thank you, Professor Lewis.

Professor Lewis

And you're gay, you are.

Host

Just as a postscript to what we've been saying, Professor Lewis... I'd like to say-

Professor Lewis

I saw your mum... coming out of the VD Clinic.

Host

I'd like to say that anyone with AIDS, that's you, that is. That's your girlfriend and your mum and your dad. You know, like, a pair of pants with some cack in it? That's you, that is.

Professor Lewis

Well, I haven't come on this programme to be insulted. Good night!

You know why movies have composers and musical directors, right? So that this doesn't happen. Because Halloween would be a very different franchise if the music had been pure Disney.

Narrator

Music is crucial to inducing a sense of fear. Get it wrong, and you will suffer the consequences.

[We cut to a mock-up of a scene from a gothic horror, a woman screaming as an axe smashes repeatedly through a heavy oak door but the scene is promptly rendered ridiculous by a puerile cartoon theme]

Ever stopped to ask a pedestrian directions? Your brain switched off the moment they started talking, right? They could have been saying anything! Thank God for GPS!

Pedestrian

You take the first left here.

Motorcyclist

First left here...

Pedestrian

And then carry on to the end of the road.

Motorcyclist

... to the end of the road.

Pedestrian

And then, after that, you've stopped following me anyway so I might as well say anything I like. Uh... your mother is a whore.

Motorcyclist

Mother is a whore...

Pedestrian

Your bike is a piece of sh*t.

Motorcyclist

Piece of sh*t...

Pedestrian

Uh... you slag, you ponce, you slag again.

Motorcyclist

Slag, ponce, slag again.

Pedestrian

Uh, bibble, bibble, bibble, bobble... tweed, I am the original traitor, Lord Haw Haw.

Motorcyclist

Haw Haw...

Pedestrian

And then take the second right by the big Safeways.

Motorcyclist

Big Safeways. Thanks!

Master Chef. Not the John Torode and Gregg Wallace version. No. Back in the 80s and 90s we had the inimitable Loyd Grosman. But, so far as I know, Hannibal Lecter was never a contestant.

Loyd Grosman

Hello! Well, on this week's edition of Master Chef we've seen Margaret from Dorking. She chose to start with a salmon terrine, followed by chicken stuffed with pistachios and finishing with a fruit confit. Mr. Barbecue from High Wycombe has cooked us a piece of chicken.

[Cut to pristine white plate upon which sits a raw chicken fillet oozing blood. MR. BARBECUE appears in shot, pointing at his culinary creation]

Mr. Barbecue

I think this could just do with another couple of minutes!

Loyd Grosman

And finally, Doctor Hannibal Lecter who gave us a rather nouvelle menu starting with human ears garnished in fried chervil, followed by baked census taker's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti and finishing with kneecaps in custard. Well, we've deliberated and cogitated and the judges had a difficult time but, as ever, there had to be a winner. And this week, the winner is Margaret from Dorking.

Hannibal Lecter

I don't think so, Mister Grossman.

[Cut to LECTER, stirring a pair of lower legs wearing tights and brown shoes in a pot]

We're back with the unnamed host and his childish sidekick, Professor F. J. Lewis for another roast. It starts well but we all know where this is going. Downhill. South. Rapidly.

Host

Good evening. Once again, I'm joined by Professor F.J. Lewis, emeritus professor of history at All Saints College, Oxford. I understand that some viewers felt that last week we rather skated over the topic of Great Britain, nineteen-thirty-one to thirty-eight, the austerity years. I can only offer my apologies and pledge that Professor Lewis and myself shall make every endeavour to explore tonight's topic of discussion, the 1905 Sebastopol Uprising. Professor Lewis. Do you feel, as many do, that Sebastopol was indeed the birthplace of the Russian Revolution?

Professor F.J. Lewis

See people who talk like this...

[LEWIS begins making a raspy quacking sound, not dissimilar to Donald Duck]

That's you, that is. That's you talking your best.

Host

I see. You see girls, running like this....

[The HOST mimes girls running with "jazz hands"]

That's you, that is. That's how you run.

Professor F.J. Lewis

See you bike? It's a girls' bike.

Host

I do not own a bicycle.

Professor F.J. Lewis

You do. And it's a girls' one.

Host

Well, I'd just like to -

Professor F.J. Lewis

It's... for... girls.

Host

You see those workmans' tents in the road?

Professor F.J. Lewis

I have observed them.

Host

That's your house. That's where you go on holiday.

Professor F.J. Lewis

See this? This is my drink. You can't have none. Mmmm. Yum yum. Tasty!

Host

Oh, I just remembered -

Professor F.J. Lewis

Sorry, I'm busy drinking my drink.

Host

Your dad phoned me up the other day.

Professor F.J. Lewis

My father? What did he say?

Host

[Makes the same raspy quacking sound as LEWIS earlier in the exchange]

Professor F.J. Lewis

[Sticks his fingers in his ears]

La-la-la! Can't hear you! Speak louder! La-la-la!

Host

Professor Lewis, if we might return to the matter in hand.

Professor F.J. Lewis

Yes.

Host

I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. Poo! Urgh! Poo! It smells of poo!

Professor F.J. Lewis

That's because it's been inside your mum's bra.

Host

Well, it would appear...

[At this point, BADDIEL who is playing the HOST, corpses and begins to laugh]

Professor F.J. Lewisq

That's why it's so very smelly.

Host

It would appear that the Sebastopol question is one that will continue to cause heated debate between historians. Professor Lewis, thank you very much.

Professor F.J. Lewis

Thank you.

Alphabetti Spaghetti. Remember that? Not sure if it's still available but the Mary Whitehouse boys are spot-on. There's an inherent risk in using the stuff as an educational tool for your children.

Steve Punt

I always used to hate Alphabetti Spaghetti. Is the British educational system really in such a bad way that we need the help of this bizarre pressure group, Literacy Through Pasta? Plus, the manufacturers took a terrible risk.

[Cut to a dinner table. A DAD is sat beside his young SON who is eating Alphabetti Spaghetti]

Dad

Right, Martin. What letters can you see?

Son

F... U... C -

Dad

Right, stir it all round, stir it all round!

Being a hostage for four years can't be easy. Chained to a radiator in isolation. And would your life get better or worse when chained up next to John Hadley for the last year of your captivity?

Bon

For four years I was in isolation, chained up to a wall with no-one to speak to but a few cursory words with the guard who brought me my food. But in my last year, I was moved into a different cell and chained up next to this man, here... John Hadley. And I... I really wanna take this opportunity to tell the world that John Hadley is an incredible, in fact an unbelievable, wa*ker. A more tedious, irritating, bad-breathed, unfunny, let's play Botticelli, catarrh-infested

John Hadley

Okay, okay... let's talk about unfunny, okay ladies and gentlemen? Imagine this every morning. I mean every morning. "Hey, John. Where shall we go today?"

[Feigns hysterical laughter, sarcastically]

In fact, while we're here, millions of TV cameras, ladies and gentlemen... Bob's impression of Bruce Forsyth. Come on, Bob. Didn't they do well?

Bob

Okay, well if you spend over a year locked in a room with someone, obviously you do a lot of talking, you share a lot of secrets and apparently, when John was fourteen, he once put superglue up his ass for a dare and had to have it flannelled out by a friend of the family.

John Hadley

Okay, ladies and gentlemen but at least... at least, ladies and gentlemen, I was not the one who started a lot of late night conversations with the phrase, "You know, John, when you really think about it, there's no actual biological difference between the inside of a man's mouth and a woman's mouth."

What's that? One more portion of History Today? All right. As it's you and you asked so nicely. And this one is a mammoth episode. Enjoy.

Host

Welcome, once again, to History Today. I'm afraid that tonight, the axe is hanging over our programme. Uh, we have been warned that unless we properly explore tonight's topic of discussion, the Industrial Revolution, my and Professor F.J. Lewis's tenure on the television will be terminated forthwith. Uh... so, Professor Lewis... what do you feel were the primary problems faced by urban society during the period seventeen-oh-two to fifty-six?

Professor F.J. Lewis

Well, the Industrial Revolution caused a shift to urban conurbations by what had been largely agrarian a population and communities and so forth. This led to very poor living conditions and, in his journal, Samuel Pepys gives a particularly harrowing account of one, uh... man he describes thus;

[LEWIS begins reading from a book]

He had scurvy and rickets and was covered, head-to-foot, in festering sores. All in all he was quite the most ghastly apparition of a man I had ever seen.

Host

I see. And who exactly was this... poor unfortunate?

[LEWIS licks his finger and turns the page of the book]

Professor F.J. Lewis

That's you, that is. That's the nicest thing he could find to say about you.

Host

I see. See that M. Khan?

Professor F.J. Lewis

I have certainly heard of the fellow.

Host

He's your best mate, he is. He's like... your special friend. You are him. Professor F.J.M. Khan... is bent.

Professor F.J. Lewis

Oh. A-ha-ha-ha! See a piece of old crust, with like... blue mould all over it?

Host

Oh, that's got a bit wet... in the corner?

Professor F.J. Lewis

Yes, yes... that's right. And very stale and hard.

Host

Uh... has it been on the floor?

Professor F.J. Lewis

Yes, it has been on the floor. And it is... smells very bad because it's off.

Host

Yeessss.

Professor F.J. Lewis

That's your dinner, that is. That's what you have at Christmas. That's your special birthday meal.

Host

You know... that song...

[With his tongue pressed against the inside of his lower lip, the HOST begins humming a song]

That's your favourite, that is. That's your favourite number one song of all time. Oh. You've had a haircut. Hair-cuuuut! Hair-cuuuut!

Professor F.J. Lewis

See that Theo Kojak? That's you, that is.

Host

[Spits on the floor of the studio]

See that... bit of flob?

Professor F.J. Lewis

Yes.

Host

That's you, that is.

Professor F.J. Lewis

No. That's your swimming pool. In your garden. Oh, look! There's your mum.

[Begins miming a front crawl]

Host

Well, I think no-one can be in any doubt that we have had, tonight, a most rich and enlightening debate. Uh, Professor Lewis... thank you very much.

Professor F.J. Lewis

Thank you.

Inspector Morse. John Shaw lovingly portrayed this character for years. And the character was constantly drunk (or getting drunk). How the bloody hell did he solve any murders?!

Lewis

Hello, Inspector.

Morse

It's a tragedy, Lewis. Years of neglect and lack of human contact taken its toll, just... faded away and died.

Lewis

Professor Taylor was a misunderstood man, Sir.

Morse

I'm talking about my penis, Lewis. I haven't pulled in five series.

Lewis

Well, you nearly did last week, sir.

Morse

You should see the state of my sheets, Lewis.

Lewis

Uh... would you like me to fetch the pathologist-

Morse

Bet Poirot doesn't have this problem, fat little Belgian bastard probably at it like a rabbit.

Lewis

Uh, yes sir.

Morse

Even Taggart gets it more than me. He looks like the back-end of an elephant. I'd give Miss Marple one if I could find her!