23 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of I'm Alan Partridge (1997)

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"Classic Queen" is a suitable response if ever asked what the song Killer Queen is like. It's not a suitable response to the question, "How are you today?"

Alan

[Singing KILLER QUEEN by QUEEN as he walks into the hotel following his night shift at Radio Norwich]

Susan

Good morning, Alan. How are you today?

Alan

Classic Queen!

Alan's car is basically an obscene publication because someone has spray-painted the words "C*ck P*ss Partridge" down one side of it. Now who would do THAT?!

Susan

Sophie, could you deal with this?

Alan

Uh, Sophie...

Sophie

Mr. Partridge.

Alan

As you know, at the end of the week I'm... I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC and he's Mister... Numéro... One. And, uh, the problem is I've got some rude daubings on the side of my car.

Sophie

Can you still drive the car?

Alan

Well, yeah... yeah, obv... I mean, that's... do you know what it says on the side of my car?

Sophie

Tosser?

Alan

No. It's... it's... it's... you're... you're in the right ballpark. It, uh... it... it, uh... actually says C*ck P*ss Partridge.

Sophie

[Turns away and we see her shoulders shuddering as she begins to laugh uncontrollably]

This is NOT how you haggle. Especially when buying a house. If someone tells you that "offers are invited", you start low and work your way up. Something which Alan doesn't seem to know.

Alan

You've got yourself a deal. I'll take the house.

Estate Agent

Well... are you gonna make an offer?

Alan

Oh, yes. Of course. Um... uh, how much is it?

Estate Agent

It's on at three-hundred and twenty-five thousand.

Alan

Uh... will you take three-hundred and twenty... four?

Estate Agent

Yeah!

Tony Hayers is the Chief Commissioning Editor at the BBC. He holds the key to Alan's future at the corporation. He also holds the axe to chop it down if this meeting doesn't go well. Hmm.

Alan

I loved your, uh... article in The Guardian by the way.

Tony Hayers

Really?

Alan

I loved that phrase you used. It was very, very clever. Where you said, uh... revolution, not evolution.

Tony Hayers

No, it was the opposite. Evolution, not revolution.

Alan

Well, whatever! Because... because that is me. Yeah, because I evolve but I don't... revolve.

Alan's meeting with Tony Hayers is about to be interrupted by the arrival of Peter Linehan. It's just a brief interruption but it causes a momentary lapse in Alan's concentration.

Peter Linehan

Tony!

Tony Hayers

Ah, Peter! Hello, how are you?

Peter Linehan

Fine, fine.

Tony Hayers

Um, Alan, this is Peter Linehan. He's re-vamping our current affairs output.

Alan

[Shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly]

Peter Linehan

We, uh... we haven't met but I liked your chat show.

Alan

Thank you very much.

Peter Linehan

Has he given you a second series?

Alan

No, he won't give me one.

Peter Linehan

[To TONY]

Give him another series, you swine.

Alan

Yeah, give me another series, you sh*t!

In my experience, a successful business meeting almost never ends with someone shouting "Smell my cheese, you mother!" and thrusting a wheel of cheese into someone's face.

Tony Hayers

We don't owe you a living. You are someone who has a proven track record for making mostly bad television programmes.

Alan

That's... that's... that's bollocks.

Tony

It's not... it's not bollocks. Your... your programmes were appalling. The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected. They started badly-

Alan

[Mocking TONY]

They started badly and they got worse... your programmes, your programmes...

Tony Hayers

You're making a fool of yourself.

Alan

Who... who... who do you think you are?

Tony Hayers

Well, unfortunately for you, I'm Chief Commissioning Editor for BBC Television.

Alan

Oh... let's forget about all this.

[In what can only be described as a rogue move, Alan reaches across to a neighbouring trolley and skewers a large block of cheese with his fork]

Want some cheese?

Tony Hayers

No, thank you.

Alan

It's quite nice.

[ALAN sniffs the cheese]

It smells. Do you... do you... do you wanna smell it?

Tony Hayers

No, thank you.

Alan

Smell the cheese.

Tony Hayers

No, I don't want to.

Alan

Smell my cheese.

Tony Hayers

Alan, please.

Alan

SMELL MY CHEESE, YOU MOTHER!

[He shoves the cheese into TONY'S face]

It's Valentine's Day and Alan is trying out a new jingle on his radio show. He should have let it speak for itself. He certainly shouldn't have said this live on air.

[ALAN'S new jingle consists of a cockerel crowing, his trademark "Ah Hah!" followed by an elongated kissing sound]

Alan

[Laughs]

That kissing sound isn't someone kissing me. Or kissing a c*ck. It's simply, uh... a cockerel, I mean. It's simply a way of saying it's Valentine's Day.

Love is in the air at the Linton Travel Lodge. Sophie has received a Valentine's card from a secret admirer. But it's not Alan. Oh no. Absolutely not.

Susan

Um, Alan. Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning?

Alan

Oh God, no, no. I'm old enough to be her father. Well, an older brother. Either way, it's incest.

Alan likes Jill. He needs to know if she likes him, too. And if you ever need to confirm something like this, for God's sake don't use the phrase, "sex-wise."

Alan

You know when you make those risqué comments? Um, are you just flirting in... in that sort of crude way that middle age divorcees do? Or do you genuinely like me... sex-wise?

Alan and Jill are having dinner. Lynn pops in unexpectedly and she's determined to drive a wedge between her boss and his slightly nymphomaniacal employee. It doesn't quite go to plan, however.

Lynnn

[To JILL]

We're in the same area. I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me. You know, make a saving.

Jill

Oh...

Alan

No. Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.

Jill

I don't recall saying that.

Alan

Oh, come on.

Jill

Yeah, all right then.

Sex. It should never, ever be this awkward. Talking through it, especially if you're Alan Partridge is a really bad idea. Nobody can extinguish the flames of passion quite like Alan can.

Alan

Right. Let battle commence! Do you, uh... do you like me doing that? Shall I... shall I do it more quickly or shall I maintain the same speed?

Jill

That's fine.

Alan

Right. Shall I, uh... shall I move onto the other one? Oh. Oh, that's lovely. That's first class. That... that is superb. Ooh, there you go. It's all happening. Uh, Jill... I'm afraid I have no sheaths.

Jill

No what?

Alan

Sheaths. Er, prophylactics. You know, Rubber Johnnies. Actually, uh... be... being your age and everything, there's probably no need for them. Talking about the menopause... ooooooooh! Jill, you know your onions. Oh! Do you mind if I talk? Uh, 'cos it helps me... uh, keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? Uh, I'll be honest. I'm dead against it. Um, people forget that traders need access to DIXONS! Um, it's... they... they do say that it'll help people in WHEEEELCHAIRS!

Jill

Oh, hang on... I've got an idea.

Alan

Jill... Jill... whoah, Jill! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FOR GOD'S SAKE, JILL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Jill... God's sake.

Jill

I just thought I'd pour chocolate mousse over you.

Alan

You've got it on the bed sheets, you've got it... on my dressing gown. You've got it on the valance.

Jill

On the what?

Alan

The skirt thing around the side of the bed.

Jill

I thought it'd be erotic.

Alan

Oh, Jill. Mousse from a bowl is very nice but to put it on a person is demented.

Jill

Oh, come on. It's only a bit of chocolate.

Alan

It may be chocolate to you, Jill but to an unwitting member of staff, this could look like some sort of... dirty protest against... the standard service at the hotel which I happen to think is very good. I mean, it's not five-star but it's certainly competitive.

Alan has offended and alienated the entire farming community with an ill-considered joke on his radio show. And they're not happy. Not happy at all.

Alan

Let's get back to Cock-a-doodle-who!

[He plays another ridiculous jingle]

I asked who... invented the skip. Jack on line 2.

Jack

Good morning, Alan. Uh...

Alan

Morning-

Jack

Look, I just wanted to say, uh... your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive.

Alan

Who invented the skip?

Jack

I don't care who invented the skip. I think it's way out of order-

Alan

Who invented the skip?

Jack

You speak like a man who has no knowledge-

Alan

Who invented the skip?

Jack

-of the subject you're talking about.

Alan

Who invented the skip?

Jack

I don't know who invented the bloody skip. Bobby Moore, I don't bloody know, do I? I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off. You gonna apologise to them all on your show, are you? Are you gonna-

Alan

Come on, you must know some of the rotten rubbish you produce, I mean... tongue, for example. Who eats tongue for goodness sake? A tongue sticking out of a sesame seed cob-

Jack

Listen, you made these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures that we're under. I just didn't find it very funny, that's all.

Alan

Well, I wouldn't eat one of your tomatoes if it came up and said, "Eat me."

Jack

Oh-

Alan

Which is not unlikely considering all the rubbish you stick in 'em.

Jack

Oh, you ignorant sh*t.

[ALAN tries to censor the curse word with a sound effect but is a fraction of a second too late]

Alan

Caroline, line 4. Hello.

Caroline

Hello, Alan.

Alan

Hello.

Caroline

Yeah, have you got a brain or is your head just full of sh*t?

Alan

[Once again, he's a fraction of a second too late in censoring the curse word]

Alan

Okay, Mike from Palgrave. Are you there, sir?

Mike

Oh, you ignorant c-

[Finally, ALAN manages to censor the word in time]

Alan has been asked to record a corporate video for Hamilton's Water Breaks. He needs his estranged wife, Carol, to appear in the video with him. But can he (or rather Lynn) convince her?

Alan

He's gone to get Carol, you speak to her.

[He passes the phone to LYNN]

Lynn

Hello, Carol. How are you? Oh, uh... Carol, would you like to be in Alan's corporate video? Right.

[LYNN cups the receiver and speaks to ALAN]

She says no and she wants to speak to you.

Alan

Tell her I'm not here.

Lynn

[To CAROL]

He's not here.

[She cups the receiver and speaks to ALAN again]

She says she can hear your voice.

Alan

Call her a fat cow then hang up.

Lynn

Fat cow!

[She hangs up]

Alan

Morning!

Susan

Hello, Alan.

Alan

Lynn's a good worker. But, uh... I suppose she's a bit like Burt Reynolds. Very reliable but, uh... she's got a moustache. Like, uh... lady boys. Look like, uh... a woman but really, it's a man. I... I don't find them attractive. Just... confusing. Morning, Sophie. You're not a man, are you?

Sophie

No. Would you settle this month's bill, please?

Alan

Eight pounds misc... miscellaneous services. That sounds disconcertingly vague.

Sophie

You used... this pay channel...

[SOPHIE writes the name of the channel on the bill]

Alan

Ah, right, yeah. It... it's very confusing. Sophie, I find the pay channels very confusing. Can I just explain? I was trying to... access... Driving Miss Daisy.

Sophie

Oh. And that's why you only watched it for fifteen minutes.

Alan

Yes. Yes, because... it was the wrong... the wrong film. I mean, have you seen it? Is it good?

Sophie

What, Driving Miss Daisy or... Bangkok Chickboys?

Alan

Driving... Driving Miss Daisy. Is it a good film?

Sophie

I don't know. I haven't seen it. Was Bangkok Chickboys good?

Alan

I don't know. I didn't see it. I couldn't see it because I was... I was in the bathroom.

Sophie

Oh, Ben... Mister Partridge was just saying that he couldn't see Bangkok Chickboys from his bathroom.

Ben

Well, you can if you angle the mirror by the door. Do you... do you want me to show you?

Alan

No! I only watched it for five minutes. It's... the remote control's confusing.

Ben

Oh, what you will have done is... when it flashed up on your screen, "Do you want to watch Bangkok Chickboys?", you must have pressed the button that says yes.

Alan

Yeah, well, as I say... it's very confusing.

Ben

Do you want me to come up and show you how to press the button that says no?

Alan

Yes. I mean, yes I want you to show me the button that says no.

Ben

Oh and I'll... I'll show you that mirror thing.

Alan

No! Look, um... do you want me to settle this bill?

Sophie

Uh, no. I mean... yes. You're right. It is confusing, isn't it?

Alan

Yes.

Alan just can't leave farmers alone. Given the opportunity, he just can't help but accuse them of being in-bred, cruel simpletons with carnal desires for their own siblings.

Alan

If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree and you use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother!

And now he's moving onto offending the entire gay community with his homophobic and ill-advised comedy character, Camp David.

Alan

The time is ten past five. Uh, let's say hello to my new comedy character, Camp David. Hello, Camp David.

Camp David

Ooooh, hello, Alan!

Alan

And, uh... what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Camp David

Ooooh, mince!

Alan is fishing for amusing anecdotes from Michael. He isn't quite expecting what he gets. Nothing could have prepared him for this. Nothing.

Alan

You must've got up to a few pranks in your time.

Michael

Why aye. This one time, right... I was stationed out in Belize, right? And I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right? And one day, I came back to me tent, right? And it'd eaten all my fags. So, I picked it up and I threw it in the sea.

Alan

You threw a monkey in the sea?

Michael

Well, he'd eaten all me fags man, you know? It was a big packet of two-hundred duty frees, like.

Alan

You threw a monkey in the sea? That's awful. I mean I thought... I was fishing for some sort of... funny story. That's just upsetting.

Michael

Well, you know I wasn't thinking straight, you know? I just kinda got the red mist in front of me eyes and I just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea.

Alan

Can you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.

Michael

Well, it didn't go straight in the water. It bounced off a rock.

Alan

Oh!

In a moment of madness, Alan has been detained by the police the previous evening for trying to steal a traffic cone. It's not yet public knowledge but it soon will be.

Alan

That was The Police with De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da, their gibberish classic. And, my tribute to Her Majesty's police. It's nearly seven o'clock. This is Dave Clifton.

Dave Clifton

Yes, indeed. My name's Dave Clifton and there goes Alan Partridge... cone but not forgotten. Uh, are you off to sea a film? Like Cone-an the Barbarian?

Alan

Yeah, good one.

Dave Clifton

And then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like... Cone Dancing?

Alan

Yeah, not... not... not so good but... fine.

Dave Clifton

Oh, come on, Alan. What's the matter with you? Cone you take a joke?

Alan

Oh, fu*k off.

Dave Clifton

Actually, I am... I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said-

Alan

You don't sound it. I wish you were.

Dave Clifton

I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find the words-

Alan

Try saying nothing.

Dave Clifton

You and I both know that dead air is a crime and I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.

Alan

Unfortunately, Dave you are bang wrong. It's one minutes past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you failed to control me. Read the small-print on your conetract!

Dave Clifton

From Go West...

Alan

Fannies!

Dave Clifton

This is Call Me.

Alan is being plagued by prank calls at the hotel. Sophie can't help but plead ignorance to this one, though. A message from Mr. P Nesshead. Penis-head. Get it? Yeah. A classic.

Sophie

Oh, um... there was a call for you. A Mr. Nesshead.

Alan

Right. Never heard of him. Did he leave a first name?

Sophie

Uh, no. It was just a Mr. P Nesshead.

Alan

Sophie... that's a crank call. It's another prank call.

Sophie

Is it?

Alan

Read it back to yourself.

Sophie

[Savouring the moment]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I can see what he's... what he's done now. Shall I put it on the list with all the others?

Alan

If you would. Actually, can I have a look at that list? I want to get to the bottom of this. Mr. G String. Mr. Nick Errs. Y. Fronts. Mr. T Osser? Doesn't even work. Mr. B Oddie? This is Bill Oddie. It's not a crank call. Why... why have you put it on there?

Susan

Well, we thought it looked like body.

Alan

What's rude about a body?

Sophie

Tits?

Ben

Good morning, Sophie.

Sophie

Good morning, Ben. Did you sleep well?

Ben

Yeah. It was a good night last night, wasn't it?

Alan

Of course, if you're professional and you know you're working in the morning, then, uh... you would've got your head down about midnight?

Ben

Yeah, I got my head down, all right!

Sue Cook is due to appear with Alan on a live version of his cancelled chat show at the Linton Travel Tavern but she's pulled out at the last minute. Shame Alan's father didn't, really!

Susan

Excuse me, Alan? There's an urgent call for you.

Alan

Right. You go on up, Lynn.

[He approaches the reception desk and takes the receiver from SUSAN]

Hello? Well, right... well, where are you? What? Oh come on! Oh, this is... Oh that. That's bang out of order. It's. Well... you take a look in the mirror. Uh, what? Pardon? No, no I've got a better idea. Why don't you shove it up your arse?

[To SUSAN]

Sue Cook's pulled out.

Jed Maxwell is Alan's biggest fan. He's obsessed. And obsessive. And psychotic. And Alan's trapped in his whole-room shrine. In a head-lock. Struggling to breathe.

Alan

[Exhales]

Jed

Can you smell gas?

Alan

Oh, I think that's my breath. I... I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would've... broken down by now but... I think I'm slightly constipated. Surprising, really, considering the circumstances!

Another awkward, acrimonious hand-over between Alan and the breakfast show host, Dave Clifton. It's seven o'clock. Time for some family-friendly insults.

Alan

In the mean-time, it's seven o'clock. Oooh, Guv'nor. He's got me bang to rights. It's Chief Constable Dave Clifton of Scotland Yard's very own plain-clothes pop force.

Dave Clifton

Yes, good morning, Alan-

Alan

Wai... whoah... let me finish. 'Ello 'ello 'ello!

Dave Clifton

Yeah, I think you're splitting hairs a little bit there, Alan.

Alan

Sorry... splidding?

Dave Clifton

Yeah, splitting... you know.

Alan

Sorry, it's... it's difficult to understand you when you say splidding because I know in real life you say splitting. It's interesting the way you substitute a D for a T when you're broadcasting. If you ask me, it's the behaviour of a dosser.

Dave Clifton

A dosser?

Alan

Yes. A dosser and a dwad.

Dave Clifton

Well, Alan Partridge, there.

Alan

Yeah, no, no... there are others, aren't there? There's, uh... there's didhead and there's dalendless shid and, if rumours are to be believed, you're back on the boddle.

Dave Clifton

Uh, this is Einstein A Go-Go.

Alan

Gid. That's Git.

Alan is throwing a farewell party in his hotel room because he's due to move out the following day. The party doesn't quite go the way he planned, however.

Alan

Oh, Michael. You've got a lot to learn.

Michael

No, man. Look. It's you that's got a lot to learn.

Susan

Uh, MICHAEL...

Michael

Because folks have-

Susan

MICHAEL! MR. PARTRIDGE IS STILL A GUEST IN THIS HOTEL. Now, I think perhaps you've had just a little bit too-much to drink and maybe it's time that you should leave.

Michael

If that's how you all feel...

Susan

Now, you two can stop giggling.

Alan

I don't know what her problem is.

Susan

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. HAVING TO LISTEN TO YOUR CRAP FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS. YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS HOTEL FOR A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO DAYS, YOU LITTLE SH*T! BEN, SOPHIE, I WANT YOU ON RECEPTION. AND YOU! CHECK-OUT IS TWELVE NOON TOMORROW.

Alan

[Tries to hand SUSAN a "party bag" which, owing to a lack of resources, is contained within a hotel issue sanitary bag]

You, uh... want one of these?

Susan

A SANITARY BAG? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!

[She slaps ALAN hard across the face and storms out]