I'm Alan Partridge | Season 1
© 1997 Talkback Productions
Alan Partridge is struggling. He was a prime-time chat show host. Now he's a DJ for a regional BBC radio station. And he lives at the Linton Travel Tavern since his marriage fell apart. In the dictionary, under the word tragic, it simply says, "See Alan."
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 45
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S01 E01: "A Room With an Alan" |
"Classic Queen" is a suitable response if ever asked what the song Killer Queen is like. It's not a suitable response to the question, "How are you today?" |
Alan |
[Singing KILLER QUEEN by QUEEN as he walks into the hotel following his night shift at Radio Norwich] |
Susan |
Good morning, Alan. How are you today? |
Alan |
Classic Queen! |
Clip 2 S01 E01: "A Room With an Alan" |
Alan's car is basically an obscene publication because someone has spray-painted the words "C*ck P*ss Partridge" down one side of it. Now who would do THAT?! |
Susan |
Sophie, could you deal with this? |
Alan |
Uh, Sophie... |
Sophie |
Mr. Partridge. |
Alan |
As you know, at the end of the week I'm... I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC and he's Mister... Numéro... One. And, uh, the problem is I've got some rude daubings on the side of my car. |
Sophie |
Can you still drive the car? |
Alan |
Well, yeah... yeah, obv... I mean, that's... do you know what it says on the side of my car? |
Sophie |
Tosser? |
Alan |
No. It's... it's... it's... you're... you're in the right ballpark. It, uh... it... it, uh... actually says C*ck P*ss Partridge. |
Sophie |
[Turns away and we see her shoulders shuddering as she begins to laugh uncontrollably] |
Clip 3 S01 E01: "A Room With an Alan" |
This is NOT how you haggle. Especially when buying a house. If someone tells you that "offers are invited", you start low and work your way up. Something which Alan doesn't seem to know. |
Alan |
You've got yourself a deal. I'll take the house. |
Estate Agent |
Well... are you gonna make an offer? |
Alan |
Oh, yes. Of course. Um... uh, how much is it? |
Estate Agent |
It's on at three-hundred and twenty-five thousand. |
Alan |
Uh... will you take three-hundred and twenty... four? |
Estate Agent |
Yeah! |
Clip 4 S01 E01: "A Room With an Alan" |
Tony Hayers is the Chief Commissioning Editor at the BBC. He holds the key to Alan's future at the corporation. He also holds the axe to chop it down if this meeting doesn't go well. Hmm. |
Alan |
I loved your, uh... article in The Guardian by the way. |
Tony Hayers |
Really? |
Alan |
I loved that phrase you used. It was very, very clever. Where you said, uh... revolution, not evolution. |
Tony Hayers |
No, it was the opposite. Evolution, not revolution. |
Alan |
Well, whatever! Because... because that is me. Yeah, because I evolve but I don't... revolve. |
Clip 5 S01 E01: "A Room With an Alan" |
Alan's meeting with Tony Hayers is about to be interrupted by the arrival of Peter Linehan. It's just a brief interruption but it causes a momentary lapse in Alan's concentration. |
Peter Linehan |
Tony! |
Tony Hayers |
Ah, Peter! Hello, how are you? |
Peter Linehan |
Fine, fine. |
Tony Hayers |
Um, Alan, this is Peter Linehan. He's re-vamping our current affairs output. |
Alan |
[Shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly] |
Peter Linehan |
We, uh... we haven't met but I liked your chat show. |
Alan |
Thank you very much. |
Peter Linehan |
Has he given you a second series? |
Alan |
No, he won't give me one. |
Peter Linehan |
[To TONY] |
Give him another series, you swine. |
Alan |
Yeah, give me another series, you sh*t! |
Clip 6 S01 E01: "A Room With an Alan" |
In my experience, a successful business meeting almost never ends with someone shouting "Smell my cheese, you mother!" and thrusting a wheel of cheese into someone's face. |
Tony Hayers |
We don't owe you a living. You are someone who has a proven track record for making mostly bad television programmes. |
Alan |
That's... that's... that's bollocks. |
Tony |
It's not... it's not bollocks. Your... your programmes were appalling. The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected. They started badly- |
Alan |
[Mocking TONY] |
They started badly and they got worse... your programmes, your programmes... |
Tony Hayers |
You're making a fool of yourself. |
Alan |
Who... who... who do you think you are? |
Tony Hayers |
Well, unfortunately for you, I'm Chief Commissioning Editor for BBC Television. |
Alan |
Oh... let's forget about all this. |
[In what can only be described as a rogue move, Alan reaches across to a neighbouring trolley and skewers a large block of cheese with his fork] |
Want some cheese? |
Tony Hayers |
No, thank you. |
Alan |
It's quite nice. |
[ALAN sniffs the cheese] |
It smells. Do you... do you... do you wanna smell it? |
Tony Hayers |
No, thank you. |
Alan |
Smell the cheese. |
Tony Hayers |
No, I don't want to. |
Alan |
Smell my cheese. |
Tony Hayers |
Alan, please. |
Alan |
SMELL MY CHEESE, YOU MOTHER! |
[He shoves the cheese into TONY'S face] |
Clip 7 S01 E02: "Alan Attraction" |
It's Valentine's Day and Alan is trying out a new jingle on his radio show. He should have let it speak for itself. He certainly shouldn't have said this live on air. |
[ALAN'S new jingle consists of a cockerel crowing, his trademark "Ah Hah!" followed by an elongated kissing sound] |
Alan |
[Laughs] |
That kissing sound isn't someone kissing me. Or kissing a c*ck. It's simply, uh... a cockerel, I mean. It's simply a way of saying it's Valentine's Day. |
Clip 8 S01 E02: "Alan Attraction" |
Love is in the air at the Linton Travel Lodge. Sophie has received a Valentine's card from a secret admirer. But it's not Alan. Oh no. Absolutely not. |
Susan |
Um, Alan. Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning? |
Alan |
Oh God, no, no. I'm old enough to be her father. Well, an older brother. Either way, it's incest. |
Clip 9 S01 E02: "Alan Attraction" |
Alan likes Jill. He needs to know if she likes him, too. And if you ever need to confirm something like this, for God's sake don't use the phrase, "sex-wise." |
Alan |
You know when you make those risqué comments? Um, are you just flirting in... in that sort of crude way that middle age divorcees do? Or do you genuinely like me... sex-wise? |
Clip 10 S01 E02: "Alan Attraction" |
Alan and Jill are having dinner. Lynn pops in unexpectedly and she's determined to drive a wedge between her boss and his slightly nymphomaniacal employee. It doesn't quite go to plan, however. |
Lynnn |
[To JILL] |
We're in the same area. I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me. You know, make a saving. |
Jill |
Oh... |
Alan |
No. Jill will be sleeping with me tonight. |
Jill |
I don't recall saying that. |
Alan |
Oh, come on. |
Jill |
Yeah, all right then. |
Clip 11 S01 E02: "Alan Attraction" |
Sex. It should never, ever be this awkward. Talking through it, especially if you're Alan Partridge is a really bad idea. Nobody can extinguish the flames of passion quite like Alan can. |
Alan |
Right. Let battle commence! Do you, uh... do you like me doing that? Shall I... shall I do it more quickly or shall I maintain the same speed? |
Jill |
That's fine. |
Alan |
Right. Shall I, uh... shall I move onto the other one? Oh. Oh, that's lovely. That's first class. That... that is superb. Ooh, there you go. It's all happening. Uh, Jill... I'm afraid I have no sheaths. |
Jill |
No what? |
Alan |
Sheaths. Er, prophylactics. You know, Rubber Johnnies. Actually, uh... be... being your age and everything, there's probably no need for them. Talking about the menopause... ooooooooh! Jill, you know your onions. Oh! Do you mind if I talk? Uh, 'cos it helps me... uh, keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? Uh, I'll be honest. I'm dead against it. Um, people forget that traders need access to DIXONS! Um, it's... they... they do say that it'll help people in WHEEEELCHAIRS! |
Jill |
Oh, hang on... I've got an idea. |
Alan |
Jill... Jill... whoah, Jill! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FOR GOD'S SAKE, JILL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Jill... God's sake. |
Jill |
I just thought I'd pour chocolate mousse over you. |
Alan |
You've got it on the bed sheets, you've got it... on my dressing gown. You've got it on the valance. |
Jill |
On the what? |
Alan |
The skirt thing around the side of the bed. |
Jill |
I thought it'd be erotic. |
Alan |
Oh, Jill. Mousse from a bowl is very nice but to put it on a person is demented. |
Jill |
Oh, come on. It's only a bit of chocolate. |
Alan |
It may be chocolate to you, Jill but to an unwitting member of staff, this could look like some sort of... dirty protest against... the standard service at the hotel which I happen to think is very good. I mean, it's not five-star but it's certainly competitive. |
Clip 12 S01 E03: "Watership Alan" |
Alan has offended and alienated the entire farming community with an ill-considered joke on his radio show. And they're not happy. Not happy at all. |
Alan |
Let's get back to Cock-a-doodle-who! |
[He plays another ridiculous jingle] |
I asked who... invented the skip. Jack on line 2. |
Jack |
Good morning, Alan. Uh... |
Alan |
Morning- |
Jack |
Look, I just wanted to say, uh... your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive. |
Alan |
Who invented the skip? |
Jack |
I don't care who invented the skip. I think it's way out of order- |
Alan |
Who invented the skip? |
Jack |
You speak like a man who has no knowledge- |
Alan |
Who invented the skip? |
Jack |
-of the subject you're talking about. |
Alan |
Who invented the skip? |
Jack |
I don't know who invented the bloody skip. Bobby Moore, I don't bloody know, do I? I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off. You gonna apologise to them all on your show, are you? Are you gonna- |
Alan |
Come on, you must know some of the rotten rubbish you produce, I mean... tongue, for example. Who eats tongue for goodness sake? A tongue sticking out of a sesame seed cob- |
Jack |
Listen, you made these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures that we're under. I just didn't find it very funny, that's all. |
Alan |
Well, I wouldn't eat one of your tomatoes if it came up and said, "Eat me." |
Jack |
Oh- |
Alan |
Which is not unlikely considering all the rubbish you stick in 'em. |
Jack |
Oh, you ignorant sh*t. |
[ALAN tries to censor the curse word with a sound effect but is a fraction of a second too late] |
Alan |
Caroline, line 4. Hello. |
Caroline |
Hello, Alan. |
Alan |
Hello. |
Caroline |
Yeah, have you got a brain or is your head just full of sh*t? |
Alan |
[Once again, he's a fraction of a second too late in censoring the curse word] |
Alan |
Okay, Mike from Palgrave. Are you there, sir? |
Mike |
Oh, you ignorant c- |
[Finally, ALAN manages to censor the word in time] |
Clip 13 S01 E03: "Watership Alan" |
Alan has been asked to record a corporate video for Hamilton's Water Breaks. He needs his estranged wife, Carol, to appear in the video with him. But can he (or rather Lynn) convince her? |
Alan |
He's gone to get Carol, you speak to her. |
[He passes the phone to LYNN] |
Lynn |
Hello, Carol. How are you? Oh, uh... Carol, would you like to be in Alan's corporate video? Right. |
[LYNN cups the receiver and speaks to ALAN] |
She says no and she wants to speak to you. |
Alan |
Tell her I'm not here. |
Lynn |
[To CAROL] |
He's not here. |
[She cups the receiver and speaks to ALAN again] |
She says she can hear your voice. |
Alan |
Call her a fat cow then hang up. |
Lynn |
Fat cow! |
[She hangs up] |
Clip 14 S01 E03: "Watership Alan" |
Alan |
Morning! |
Susan |
Hello, Alan. |
Alan |
Lynn's a good worker. But, uh... I suppose she's a bit like Burt Reynolds. Very reliable but, uh... she's got a moustache. Like, uh... lady boys. Look like, uh... a woman but really, it's a man. I... I don't find them attractive. Just... confusing. Morning, Sophie. You're not a man, are you? |
Sophie |
No. Would you settle this month's bill, please? |
Alan |
Eight pounds misc... miscellaneous services. That sounds disconcertingly vague. |
Sophie |
You used... this pay channel... |
[SOPHIE writes the name of the channel on the bill] |
Alan |
Ah, right, yeah. It... it's very confusing. Sophie, I find the pay channels very confusing. Can I just explain? I was trying to... access... Driving Miss Daisy. |
Sophie |
Oh. And that's why you only watched it for fifteen minutes. |
Alan |
Yes. Yes, because... it was the wrong... the wrong film. I mean, have you seen it? Is it good? |
Sophie |
What, Driving Miss Daisy or... Bangkok Chickboys? |
Alan |
Driving... Driving Miss Daisy. Is it a good film? |
Sophie |
I don't know. I haven't seen it. Was Bangkok Chickboys good? |
Alan |
I don't know. I didn't see it. I couldn't see it because I was... I was in the bathroom. |
Sophie |
Oh, Ben... Mister Partridge was just saying that he couldn't see Bangkok Chickboys from his bathroom. |
Ben |
Well, you can if you angle the mirror by the door. Do you... do you want me to show you? |
Alan |
No! I only watched it for five minutes. It's... the remote control's confusing. |
Ben |
Oh, what you will have done is... when it flashed up on your screen, "Do you want to watch Bangkok Chickboys?", you must have pressed the button that says yes. |
Alan |
Yeah, well, as I say... it's very confusing. |
Ben |
Do you want me to come up and show you how to press the button that says no? |
Alan |
Yes. I mean, yes I want you to show me the button that says no. |
Ben |
Oh and I'll... I'll show you that mirror thing. |
Alan |
No! Look, um... do you want me to settle this bill? |
Sophie |
Uh, no. I mean... yes. You're right. It is confusing, isn't it? |
Alan |
Yes. |
Clip 15 S01 E03: "Watership Alan" |
Alan just can't leave farmers alone. Given the opportunity, he just can't help but accuse them of being in-bred, cruel simpletons with carnal desires for their own siblings. |
Alan |
If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree and you use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother! |
Clip 16 S01 E04: "Basic Alan" |
And now he's moving onto offending the entire gay community with his homophobic and ill-advised comedy character, Camp David. |
Alan |
The time is ten past five. Uh, let's say hello to my new comedy character, Camp David. Hello, Camp David. |
Camp David |
Ooooh, hello, Alan! |
Alan |
And, uh... what did you have for breakfast this morning? |
Camp David |
Ooooh, mince! |
Clip 17 S01 E04: "Basic Alan" |
Alan is fishing for amusing anecdotes from Michael. He isn't quite expecting what he gets. Nothing could have prepared him for this. Nothing. |
Alan |
You must've got up to a few pranks in your time. |
Michael |
Why aye. This one time, right... I was stationed out in Belize, right? And I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right? And one day, I came back to me tent, right? And it'd eaten all my fags. So, I picked it up and I threw it in the sea. |
Alan |
You threw a monkey in the sea? |
Michael |
Well, he'd eaten all me fags man, you know? It was a big packet of two-hundred duty frees, like. |
Alan |
You threw a monkey in the sea? That's awful. I mean I thought... I was fishing for some sort of... funny story. That's just upsetting. |
Michael |
Well, you know I wasn't thinking straight, you know? I just kinda got the red mist in front of me eyes and I just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea. |
Alan |
Can you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water. |
Michael |
Well, it didn't go straight in the water. It bounced off a rock. |
Alan |
Oh! |
Clip 18 S01 E04: "Basic Alan" |
In a moment of madness, Alan has been detained by the police the previous evening for trying to steal a traffic cone. It's not yet public knowledge but it soon will be. |
Alan |
That was The Police with De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da, their gibberish classic. And, my tribute to Her Majesty's police. It's nearly seven o'clock. This is Dave Clifton. |
Dave Clifton |
Yes, indeed. My name's Dave Clifton and there goes Alan Partridge... cone but not forgotten. Uh, are you off to sea a film? Like Cone-an the Barbarian? |
Alan |
Yeah, good one. |
Dave Clifton |
And then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like... Cone Dancing? |
Alan |
Yeah, not... not... not so good but... fine. |
Dave Clifton |
Oh, come on, Alan. What's the matter with you? Cone you take a joke? |
Alan |
Oh, fu*k off. |
Dave Clifton |
Actually, I am... I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said- |
Alan |
You don't sound it. I wish you were. |
Dave Clifton |
I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find the words- |
Alan |
Try saying nothing. |
Dave Clifton |
You and I both know that dead air is a crime and I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show. |
Alan |
Unfortunately, Dave you are bang wrong. It's one minutes past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you failed to control me. Read the small-print on your conetract! |
Dave Clifton |
From Go West... |
Alan |
Fannies! |
Dave Clifton |
This is Call Me. |
Clip 19 S01 E05: "To Kill a Mocking Alan" |
Alan is being plagued by prank calls at the hotel. Sophie can't help but plead ignorance to this one, though. A message from Mr. P Nesshead. Penis-head. Get it? Yeah. A classic. |
Sophie |
Oh, um... there was a call for you. A Mr. Nesshead. |
Alan |
Right. Never heard of him. Did he leave a first name? |
Sophie |
Uh, no. It was just a Mr. P Nesshead. |
Alan |
Sophie... that's a crank call. It's another prank call. |
Sophie |
Is it? |
Alan |
Read it back to yourself. |
Sophie |
[Savouring the moment] |
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I can see what he's... what he's done now. Shall I put it on the list with all the others? |
Alan |
If you would. Actually, can I have a look at that list? I want to get to the bottom of this. Mr. G String. Mr. Nick Errs. Y. Fronts. Mr. T Osser? Doesn't even work. Mr. B Oddie? This is Bill Oddie. It's not a crank call. Why... why have you put it on there? |
Susan |
Well, we thought it looked like body. |
Alan |
What's rude about a body? |
Sophie |
Tits? |
Ben |
Good morning, Sophie. |
Sophie |
Good morning, Ben. Did you sleep well? |
Ben |
Yeah. It was a good night last night, wasn't it? |
Alan |
Of course, if you're professional and you know you're working in the morning, then, uh... you would've got your head down about midnight? |
Ben |
Yeah, I got my head down, all right! |
Clip 20 S01 E05: "To Kill a Mocking Alan" |
Sue Cook is due to appear with Alan on a live version of his cancelled chat show at the Linton Travel Tavern but she's pulled out at the last minute. Shame Alan's father didn't, really! |
Susan |
Excuse me, Alan? There's an urgent call for you. |
Alan |
Right. You go on up, Lynn. |
[He approaches the reception desk and takes the receiver from SUSAN] |
Hello? Well, right... well, where are you? What? Oh come on! Oh, this is... Oh that. That's bang out of order. It's. Well... you take a look in the mirror. Uh, what? Pardon? No, no I've got a better idea. Why don't you shove it up your arse? |
[To SUSAN] |
Sue Cook's pulled out. |
Clip 21 S01 E05: "To Kill a Mocking Alan" |
Jed Maxwell is Alan's biggest fan. He's obsessed. And obsessive. And psychotic. And Alan's trapped in his whole-room shrine. In a head-lock. Struggling to breathe. |
Alan |
[Exhales] |
Jed |
Can you smell gas? |
Alan |
Oh, I think that's my breath. I... I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would've... broken down by now but... I think I'm slightly constipated. Surprising, really, considering the circumstances! |
Clip 22 S01 E06: "Towering Alan" |
Another awkward, acrimonious hand-over between Alan and the breakfast show host, Dave Clifton. It's seven o'clock. Time for some family-friendly insults. |
Alan |
In the mean-time, it's seven o'clock. Oooh, Guv'nor. He's got me bang to rights. It's Chief Constable Dave Clifton of Scotland Yard's very own plain-clothes pop force. |
Dave Clifton |
Yes, good morning, Alan- |
Alan |
Wai... whoah... let me finish. 'Ello 'ello 'ello! |
Dave Clifton |
Yeah, I think you're splitting hairs a little bit there, Alan. |
Alan |
Sorry... splidding? |
Dave Clifton |
Yeah, splitting... you know. |
Alan |
Sorry, it's... it's difficult to understand you when you say splidding because I know in real life you say splitting. It's interesting the way you substitute a D for a T when you're broadcasting. If you ask me, it's the behaviour of a dosser. |
Dave Clifton |
A dosser? |
Alan |
Yes. A dosser and a dwad. |
Dave Clifton |
Well, Alan Partridge, there. |
Alan |
Yeah, no, no... there are others, aren't there? There's, uh... there's didhead and there's dalendless shid and, if rumours are to be believed, you're back on the boddle. |
Dave Clifton |
Uh, this is Einstein A Go-Go. |
Alan |
Gid. That's Git. |
Clip 23 S01 E06: "Towering Alan" |
Alan is throwing a farewell party in his hotel room because he's due to move out the following day. The party doesn't quite go the way he planned, however. |
Alan |
Oh, Michael. You've got a lot to learn. |
Michael |
No, man. Look. It's you that's got a lot to learn. |
Susan |
Uh, MICHAEL... |
Michael |
Because folks have- |
Susan |
MICHAEL! MR. PARTRIDGE IS STILL A GUEST IN THIS HOTEL. Now, I think perhaps you've had just a little bit too-much to drink and maybe it's time that you should leave. |
Michael |
If that's how you all feel... |
Susan |
Now, you two can stop giggling. |
Alan |
I don't know what her problem is. |
Susan |
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. HAVING TO LISTEN TO YOUR CRAP FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS. YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS HOTEL FOR A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO DAYS, YOU LITTLE SH*T! BEN, SOPHIE, I WANT YOU ON RECEPTION. AND YOU! CHECK-OUT IS TWELVE NOON TOMORROW. |
Alan |
[Tries to hand SUSAN a "party bag" which, owing to a lack of resources, is contained within a hotel issue sanitary bag] |
You, uh... want one of these? |
Susan |
A SANITARY BAG? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?! |
[She slaps ALAN hard across the face and storms out] |