I'm Alan Partridge | Season 2
© 1997 Talkback Productions
Alan Partridge is struggling. He was a prime-time chat show host. Now he's a DJ for a regional BBC radio station. And he lives at the Linton Travel Tavern since his marriage fell apart. In the dictionary, under the word tragic, it simply says, "See Alan."
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 45
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S02 E01: "The Talented Mr Alan" |
To be clear, Alan is not working in a petrol station. Michael is. But Alan is holding the fort whilst Michael is on a re-supply mission when who should walk in... |
Frank Raphael |
Uh, pump number three. |
Alan |
Good pump! |
[FRANK hands his payment card to ALAN] |
F. Raphael. Uh, it's funny, I used to have a teacher at school called, er, Frank Raphael. Yeah. Sweaty Raphael we used to call him. Great big sweating stains under his armpits... I've just realised it's you. How the devil are you? |
Clip 2 S02 E01: "The Talented Mr Alan" |
Alan shoots from the hip. He says what he likes and he likes what he says. Which means that he has all of the compassion of a honey badger who's just found his wife in bed with his best friend. |
Alan |
Okay, Lynn. What do you think of the polo neck? Balls out of the bath on this one. |
Lynn |
I think it's rather snazzy. |
Alan |
I think you hair's snazzy. Is that your mother's money coming through? |
Lynn |
Yes. |
Alan |
All part of the bereavement dividend. |
Lynn |
Well, I had to change her sheets every day for ten years. |
Alan |
Yeah, I don't know how you managed it. I mean she was a bit of a Heffalump, God rest her soul. Yeah, she was a big woman. I'm tempted to say she was big-hearted but that would be bullsh*t! |
Clip 3 S02 E01: "The Talented Mr Alan" |
Siobhan works for Meteor which produces the "Crash, Bang, Wallop" videos that Alan presents. But that's not ALL they produce. Oh no. And some of their features are tacky to say the least. |
Siobhan |
Are you all right, Lynn? |
Alan |
Yeah, Lynn doesn't like the old... watersports. |
Siobhan |
No, well we don't do that. |
Alan |
Yeah, well, you know... the wet t-shirt things. |
Siobhan |
Yeah, well that's not watersports, Alan. |
Alan |
Well... what's watersports? |
Siobhan |
You don't know? |
Alan |
No, I don't. |
Siobhan |
You mean you don't know what watersports are? |
Alan |
I believe we've established that! |
Siobhan |
Well - |
Alan |
Tell me what you mean by "watersports." |
Siobhan |
Well, it's when people relieve themselves on each other. |
Clip 4 S02 E01: "The Talented Mr Alan" |
Frank Raphael is now the headteacher of Alan's former school. But, many moons ago, he caned Alan for drawing a chalk penis on his back. His OWN back. Whilst he was wearing the blazer it appeared on! |
Alan |
You know this guy... he caned me for drawing a... a chalk penis on my back. Which I couldn't possibly do. |
Frank Raphael |
Yeah, we'll be having coffee next door now. |
Alan |
Yeah, no... no, I'll show you. It's impossible. For me to draw... watch... |
[A piece of chalk in his hand, ALAN proceeds to draw a crude chalk penis on his own back as a stunned audience look on] |
See? |
Phil Wiley |
But you've almost managed it, Alan. |
Alan |
But the... the one you did had more detail, though. There were hairs at the base and a dotted line emanating from the crown. |
Clip 5 S02 E02: "The Colour of Alan" |
I think Alan might have been channelling the late, great Terry Wogan here. I mean the inflection, the accent, the choice of words. And Terry was still alive when this was recorded so... yeah. |
Alan |
That was Roxanne by The Police. Or as they're now known, Sting! A song there about a prostitute. Doesn't say what her surname is. Must give her a call some time. Er, although the effects of twenty-three years on the game would not render her pleasurable to mine eye! |
Clip 6 S02 E02: "The Colour of Alan" |
Alan is schmoozing Piet Morant because he wants to host the awards ceremony for Piet's company, Dante's Fires. The fun starts at the country club. Before they're even inside. |
Alan |
This is a bit of a laugh. Security card, yeah? |
[Instead of swiping his security card to gain access to the club, ALAN presses the intercom button and speaks into it] |
Hello, Security? I am an arsonist with a big box of matches. Please can I come in to set fire to the staff? |
[Sure enough, ALAN and PIET are buzzed into the premises] |
Unbelievable! |
Clip 7 S02 E02: "The Colour of Alan" |
Spoonerisms. They can be funny. They can be embarrassing. We all know what Alan meant to say but somehow what actually came out of his mouth is far, far funnier. |
Piet Morant |
Hey, Alan. There's some really nice houses around here. |
Alan |
Yeah, actually, I'm sorry it's a bit of a building site. I mean, technically you should have a hat hard on. What am I saying?! I mean... a hat hard on. I've done it again! |
Clip 8 S02 E02: "The Colour of Alan" |
Alan's meeting with Piet Morant is not going well. Alan wants to adopt a slightly slapstick approach to the awards ceremony and when Piet says, "you can't" it sounds like something else. |
Piet Morant |
No clowns. No gags. |
Alan |
Just... just a couple of jokes? |
Piet Morant |
No, Alan. No. |
Alan |
Please? |
Piet Morant |
No, YOU CAN'T! |
Alan |
Well, there's no need for that! I only wanted to do a couple of jokes. |
Piet Morant |
YOU CAN'T! |
Alan |
You've done it again! You've said it again! Just because I've got a sh*t table... |
Clip 9 S02 E02: "The Colour of Alan" |
Winding up the security guard at the country club has back-fired. Alan's forgotten his security card and they're not letting him in. Which means reverting to old-fashioned and ill-advised tactics. |
Lynn |
Alan, what are you doing? |
Alan |
Climbing over a fence. |
Lynn |
Oh, you should watch yourself. You're nearly fif... |
Alan |
Were you going to say I'm nearly fifty, Lynn? I might be nearly fifty, Lynn but at least I'm like - |
[ALAN suddenly cries out in pain] |
Lynn |
What? |
Alan |
Lynn, I've pierced my foot on a spike! |
Clip 10 S02 E03: "Brave Alan" |
Conversations with Michael can, sometimes, get rather philosophical. No subject too deep that it can't be discussed over a microwaved pasty or apple pie at the BP at which Michael works nights. |
Michael |
I believe, uh... in reincarnation, like. I... I'd like to come back as an animal. Like a... a dolphin. |
Alan |
Dolphins are quite intelligent, Michael. |
Michael |
I can jump through a hoop and catch a fish in my mouth. |
Alan |
Can you really? |
Michael |
Yeah, yeah! |
Alan |
But can you do this? |
[ALAN presses his tongue against the roof of his mouth and makes a ratchet sound similar to a dolphin communicating] |
Michael |
What's that? |
Alan |
It's a dolphin chatting. |
Michael |
Well, I can do a whale. Ooooooooooooooooooh! |
Alan |
No that... that's... that's a homosexual. |
Michael |
Oh. |
Clip 11 S02 E03: "Brave Alan" |
Right. The rules. One... never refer to lovemaking as classic intercourse when speaking to the person you've just done it with. Two... thanks aren't necessary. Unless you're paying for it. |
Alan |
Well, Sonja. That was classic intercourse. So, uh... so thanks! |
Clip 12 S02 E03: "Brave Alan" |
If you know someone called Dan and their number is on your phone, why not download this as a ringtone exclusively for their use? Dan... Dan... DAN... DAN... DAN! Ah... classic Partridge. |
Alan |
There's Dan. |
In order to get DAN'S attention, ALAN begins shouting his name across the carpark. Loudly. Desperately. Repeatedly] |
Alan |
DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! Uh... nah. He's not seen me. I'll get him later. DAN! |
Clip 13 S02 E03: "Brave Alan" |
Little did Alan know that Dan and Ceri are swingers. So when Dan invites Alan round to watch a "kitchen video", the focus is more on what's happening IN the kitchen. If you catch my drift. |
Alan |
Oh, that's uh... that's a good, uh... stainless steel hob. Very futuristic. |
[To CERI] |
That's you! You're naked. |
[To DAN] |
And there's you. Hello, Dan! Is that a granite worksurface? That... that's supporting you both? Or Corian®, a man-made marble substitute. |
Dan |
Well, Corian® is to marble and granite what, uh... MDF is to wood. I've got wood there. |
Alan |
No. That's MDF. Oh, I see. You're making a joke. MDF's banned in America. |
Ceri |
[Indicating something happening on the video] |
So's that! |
Clip 14 S02 E04: "Never Say Alan Again" |
There's a time for joking and a time to spit your thoughts into your hand, have a quick look at them and only put them back into your mouth to speak them if they're less offensive than THIS! |
Lynn |
Well, life goes on. |
Sonja |
Shall we finish writing the Bond schedule? |
Lynn |
Oh, you've made allowances for the visit to my mother's grave? |
Alan |
Yes, that's in the schedule. Visit to your mother's grave then Dr. No. The underground base of an evil genius... and then Dr. No! |
Clip 15 S02 E05: "I Know What Alan Did Last Summer" |
Sonja continually buys Alan presents. I mean, it's quite sweet, really. Except that they all seem to have a London theme. And Alan has got a cupboard full of Beefeaters, taxis and other tat. |
Sonja |
Alan. I buy you another present. |
Alan |
What? |
Sonja |
It's a London love taxi. |
Alan |
Aww. |
Sonja |
I have put my heart in back of taxi and tell driver to go to you. |
Alan |
Ahhhh, don't know what you're talking about! Just, uh... put that up there with the others. Getting a bit crowded, now. Like London. Which I spell S-H-I-T-H-O-L-E. Sh*thole! |
Clip 16 S02 E05: "I Know What Alan Did Last Summer" |
Lynn doesn't lie. It's not in her nature. And it flies in the face of her rather devour religious views. But, as Alan points out, sometimes you have to tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings. |
Alan |
Well, I know the ten commandments say thou shalt not lie but if... if the Elephant Man came in here now with some lipstick on and a nice dress, and said, "How do I look?" would you say, Lynn, bearing in mind that he's depressed and got respiratory problems, would you say, "Take that blusher off, you ugly, misshapen-headed, elephant tranny"? |
Clip 17 S02 E05: "I Know What Alan Did Last Summer" |
Hmm. If anyone from Saniflo® is interested, Alan has a new slogan for you. "The chemicals in our loos would dissolve a corpse.". No? Well, why NOT?! |
Alan |
Just realised, I'm in a static home with three women. Hmm. Just don't all go off to the toilet and talk about me behind my back. Because it really is too small. It is a solid bog. You know, the chemicals in that loo would dissolve a corpse. |
Clip 18 S02 E06: "Alan Wide Shut" |
Traffic updates on the radio can be boring. Mundane. Distinctly repetitive. So what they need is Alan's jingle. It's a classic. |
Alan |
Traffic. |
[ALAN plays his traffic jingle which is, frankly, hilarious!] |
Jingle |
GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU FU*KING IDIOT! YOU COULD GET A BUS THROUGH THERE, YOU FU*KING C*NT! YOU STUPID FU*KING PR**K... LET ME THROUGH! NO! THERE'S NO ROOM! |
Clip 19 S02 E06: "Alan Wide Shut" |
Swapping war stories about the previous evening, Alan discovers that Michael went all the way to Cardiff to kick a sixty-year-old woman's back door in. And yes, I mean that in the dirtiest sense. |
Michael |
So, what did you do last night? |
Alan |
Oh, I just stayed in and watched a documentary on quicksand. Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle. Followed by mince and onions. Doesn't get much better than that. |
Michael |
Aye, it did for me. I done a bit better than a cuddle last night. I had full sex with a woman. |
Alan |
Go on... |
Michael |
She was all over us, man. I mean, she's a bit older than me, like. She's sixty. |
Alan |
SIXTY?! |
Michael |
Aye, what's wrong with that? Same age difference as you and Sonja. |
Alan |
Yeah, that's just wrong! You shouldn't do it the other way round. |
Michael |
We did! |
[Laughs] |
Clip 20 S02 E06: "Alan Wide Shut" |
Alan is a guest on somebody else's radio show for a change. Tessa McPherson is interviewing both him and Kate Fitzgerald, a reformed drug addict turned author. What could possibly go wrong?! |
Tessa McPherson |
Talk a little bit more about your drug addiction. Now you were hooked on a variety of drugs, weren't you? |
Kate Fitzgerald |
Yep, I started on crack - |
Alan |
Uh... uh, that's not the same as crackling, is it? |
Kate Fitzgerald |
No. |
Alan |
It's a joke. I love crackling. I had some last Sunday. It had hairs on it but I didn't mind. |
Tessa McPherson |
And then the chemical dependency grew worse? |
Kate Fitzgerald |
Yeah. Uh, my drug of choice became ketamine. Which is, in fact, a horse tranquiliser. |
Alan |
Sh*t! Did you get that by hanging around stables? You do... you do seem quite posh, I can imagine you in wellies and one of those sleeveless anoraks. |
Kate Fitzgerald |
The technical name for that is actually a gilet. |
Alan |
No, that's a razor. Could have done with that for the crackling. You, ever shaved your crackling? |
Clip 21 S02 E06: "Alan Wide Shut" |
On the occasion of Lynn's baptism, Alan finally gets to meet some of the members of her Baptist church. And aren't they lucky? I mean, they try to make polite conversation but Alan... well... |
Parishioner |
Hello, Alan. Can I just say, I love your radio show? |
Alan |
Oh, thank you very much. |
Parishioner |
And I read your book. |
Alan |
Oh. |
Parishioner |
Have to say, it didn't really work for me. |
Alan |
Fu*k off! |
Clip 22 S02 E06: "Alan Wide Shut" |
It's time to apologise. Alan was too hasty with his Baptist fan. He was having a bad day and he took it out on him. No, definitely time to smooth things over and make amends, huh, Alan? |
Alan |
Ooh, um, listen... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm sorry about that before. I think you just caught me at a... caught me at a bad moment. |
Parishioner |
Perfectly understandable. So... I hear your book's being pulped? |
Alan |
Fu*k OFF! |