8 MP3 Audio clips from Elf (2003)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Did you know that there are only three professions available to an elf? No? Well, you're not alone. I didn't know that either. I'll let Papa Elf explain...

Papa Elf

Probably a lot of things you... you didn't know about elves. Another... another interesting, erm... err... elf... ism, uh... there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know... while the old... the old cobbler sleeps.

[Cut to a shoemaker's shop. The cobbler sleeps soundly whilst elves work feverishly around him]

Elf

Lazy bum! He couldn't even make a clog.

[Cut to an oak tree with a door in the side]

Pape Elf

You can bake cookies in a tree.

[Suddenly, the tree bursts into flames and the occupants, all elves, coming running out, screaming]

As you can imagine, it's... uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.

Elf

I wanna make shoes!

Papa Elf

But the third job... some call it the, the... the show or the big dance. It's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys.

Clip 2

Buddy has decided to leave the North Pole and head to NYC to find and reconcile with his biological father. Santa has some last minute advice for him about life in the Big Apple.

Santa

So. I hear you're going on a little journey to the big city? I've been in New York thousands of times.

Buddy

Really?

Santa

Hmm-mm.

Buddy

What's it like?

Santa

Well, there are some things you should know. First off, if you see gum on the street, leave it there. It's not free candy.

Buddy

Oh.

Santa

Second, there are, like... thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original but the real one's on 11th and if you see a sign that says, "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas.

Clip 3

Buddy has been found in the lingerie section of Gimbels by a manager and has been mistaken for a cast-member from their Christmas department. He's being taken back there.

[BUDDY has been mistaken for a cast member in the Christmas department at Gimbels]

Buddy

[Gasps]

Wow! What's this?

Gimbel's Manager

This is the North Pole.

Buddy

No, it's not.

Gimbel's Manager

Yes, it is.

Buddy

No, it's not.

Gimbel's Manager

Yes, it is.

Buddy

No, it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager

Yes, it is.

Buddy

No, it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager

Yes, it is.

Buddy

No, it's not. Where's the snow?

Gimbel's Manager

Why are you smiling like that?

Buddy

I just like to smile. Smiling's my favourite.

Gimbel's Manager

Make work your favourite. That's your favourite, okay?

Buddy

Okay.

Gimbel's Manager

Work is your new favourite.

Buddy

Fine.

Gimbel's Manager

It's time for an announcement.

Buddy

Okay.

Gimbel's Manager

OKAY, PEOPLE! TOMORROW MORNING, 10AM, SANTA'S COMIN' TO TOWN.

Buddy

SANTA! OH MY GOD! Santa? Here? I know him!

Clip 4

It's a twelve second belch. Yes. Twelve seconds. That's what you get when you chug down an entire 1.5 litre bottle of Coca-Cola without pausing for breath.

Buddy

[Belches loudly for twelve whole seconds having chugged an entire 1.5 litre bottle of Coca-Cola

Clip 5

Buddy has been sent by his father to work in the mail room. It reminds him of somewhere. Kind of. Only there are a couple of differences.

Buddy

This place reminds me of Santa's workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.

Clip 6

Why do the creative writers at Greenway Press insist on pitching story ideas involving sentient vegetables? I mean, what kid do they think is going to want to read stories about asparagus?

Eugene

Well, what about this? A tribe of asparagus children. But they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.

Clip 7

Miles Finch is NOT an elf. He's a dwarf. And he's the last hope for Walter Hobbs who's about to lose his job. Which is when his son, Buddy, throws a MAJOR spanner in the works.

Buddy

I didn't know you had elves working here.

Miles Finch

Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.

Buddy

Does Santa know that you left the workshop?

Miles Finch

You know, we're all laughing our heads off.

Buddy

Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?

Walter

Buddy... go back to the basement.

Miles Finch

Hey, jack weed! I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life. I've got houses in LA, Paris, and Vail -

Buddy

Oh!

Miles Finch

Each one of them with a seventy-inch plasma screen. So, I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and smack it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time!

Buddy

[To WALTER]

He's an angry elf!

[MILES climbs onto the table and rushes BUDDY]

Buddy

Look at you!

Clip 8

Buddy's gone. Michael is beside himself. And so, secretly, is Walter. The news breaks as he's about to pitch for his career. But some things matter more, right?

Fulton

I flew in just to hear this pitch. And I intend to.

Walter

It's gonna have to wait.

Fulton

If you wanna keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.

Walter

Well... up yours.

Michael

Yeah, up yours!

Walter

Hey!