13 MP3 Audio clips from Bad Grandpa (2013)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Imagine sitting in the waiting room of a law office next to Billy and having this conversation about his mother. I mean, awkward doesn't come close, right?

Billy

You know what I wanna be when I grow up?

Woman 1

What?

Billy

A fisherman. I wanna go fishing every day 'til I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again so she has to go back.

Woman 1

I'm sorry to hear that.

Billy

My mommy's breath smells so bad because she smokes so much crack. What do you think?

Woman 2

What do I think? About what?

Billy

Mmm... my mommy's bad breath.

Woman 2

Maybe it will get better.

Billy

Thank you. That helps.

Clip 2

Being told that your wife has passed away in the night is hard. In a waiting room? Even harder. But when you laugh at the news, that's gotta be hard for someone else to witness.

Doctor

Mister Zisman? Mister Zisman? Mister Zisman?

Irving

Hmm?

Doctor

Hi. I'm, uh... I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your wife, she took a turn for the worse last night and, um, she passed away. I'm so sorry.

Irving

[Begins to laugh, inexplicably considering the news he's just received]

Oh! I thought she'd never die. Oh!

Doctor

I'm going to let you process this, and, uh, I'll be back in just a moment, okay?

Irving

Thank you. Thank you, Doc!

[To woman sat next to him]

Don't get me wrong, I'm upset, but she was a... crabby old bat.

Woman

Well, I'm sorry for your loss.

Irving

She hadn't given me any nookie since the '90s. And then it was only out of spite. She's in a much better place. And I'm in a much better place.

[To his penis]

Did you hear that, Leroy? We're free! I'm free.

Clip 3

Billy's biological father, Chuck lives in Raleigh. Irving and a counsellor named Shirley are video calling him to make arrangements for him to take temporary custody of his son. Which goes well. Ahem.

Irving

I need you to come get Billy, like, from me. Why are you shaking your head?

Chuck

'Cause this is, this is, this is real bad timing right now for me. I'm having some problems with my business right now.

Shirley

Okay.

Irving

Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?

Chuck

I sell computers.

Irving

Sell... he couldn't sell pu**y on a troop train.

Chuck

Oh, that's a disgusting thing to say.

Shirley

Okay, but that doesn't help. That doesn't help.

Chuck

That's a disgusting thing to say.

Irving

You're right. You're right. I'm sorry for insulting you.

[CHUCK sparks up a bong and begins smoking weed]

Irving

Are you serious? This is a disaster. All right, Chuck. If you can't come to Lincoln, then I'll just bring him to you in North Carolina.

Chuck

No. 'Cause I don't have money to take care of a kid.

Girl

My cousin, he just had to take his baby girl, and the state's paying him $600 a month for free.

Chuck

He's getting 600 bucks? Do you get the same for a boy? I think I can work something out. I think, I think that if Irving was to bring him here to Raleigh, I could take the kid.

Shirley

And then if it didn't work out...

Chuck

600 bucks a month will make it work for me.

Shirley

So... And that isn't guaranteed, what she just said. It's something you would have to investigate.

Chuck

No, no. It's guaranteed. She's always right. It's a done deal, man. Drop him off.

Irving

All right. Two on Sunday.

Chuck

2pm Sunday -

[Behind CHUCK, a teenager falls over, pulling some shelving down on top of himself]

Great, man. Great. Great. There goes like, half my inventory.

Irving

What a wonderful business you have.

Shirley

All right, Chuck... what's your last name?

Chuck

Muskie. M-U-S-K-I-E.

Shirley

Okay.

Irving

D-O-U-C-H-E is how you spell it.

Chuck

Yeah. That's right. F-A-G-O-T is your last name.

Irving

Your son's right here if you don't mind.

Chuck

Bye, A-S-S-O-L-E.

Irving

Sh*thead. Sh*tbird, dummy butt. Let's just... let's just walk away.

Chuck

Suck it.

Irving

Suck it? That's nice.

Chuck

Suck a bowl of d*cks.

Billy

Bye, Dad.

Clip 4

Irving is holding an open house sale to make some cash and get rid of some furniture and fittings he no longer needs. He's in the basement with Billy who, according to Irving, is a c*ck-block.

Irving

Ma'am, how do you explain what a c*ck-block is to an eight-year-old? Can you help me explain that? 'Cos that's what's sitting there. A little c*ck-block.

Woman

You're a... you're a good boy.

Irving

No, he's not. Don't listen to her.

Woman

He's a good boy.

Irving

You like him so damn much, you take him!

Clip 5

Irving's hit upon an idea. Instead of driving Billy to Raleigh, he'll ship him in a box. Yeah, that's a legendary idea, huh? Nothing could possibly go wrong there. Genius.

Irving

It'll get there overnight.

Woman 1

You know that they're just gonna be throwing you around and everything, don't you?

Irving

Well, give me a pen and we'll write "fragile" on it.

Woman 1

Are you sure you want to do this?

Woman 2

You need a blanket?

Woman 1

We can't ship a human!

Billy

I'll take one.

Irving

Well, you can if you didn't know this happened.

Woman 1

I can't ship you. You're... you're... you're living!

Woman 2

Should we call the police on them?

Irving

Oh, no! No police. Just help me get him out of the box. I'll take him.

Clip 6

Irving has got drunk. Wasted. And he's in a shopping cart, being pushed by Billy who, not surprisingly, is getting exhausted.

Irving

Oh, God.

Billy

Do you have any idea how heavy you are?

Irving

Do you have any idea how I don't give a sh*t?

Clip 7

They've made it to a drive-thru. Irving has fallen for the woman working the serving window but he's pushed to the side in the parking lot by a server. And then this conversation takes place.

Irving

Okay, we need some chickens and a big side of poontang.

Server

[Laughs]

There's poontang there. There's some inside.

Irving

Well, I want some to go. Go hook that up.

Clip 8

Billy and Irving haven't exactly been shoplifting but Irving has been helping himself to all of the ingredients to make Billy and himself a sandwich. Oh and some chocolate milk.

Billy

Please don't get mad at my grandpa. He's old and he doesn't know what he's doing.

Billy

What's going on? Where am I?

Clerk

You know what he's doing, baby. You know what he doing and you doing it with him.

Billy

Sometimes he sh*ts himself.

Clerk

No. You took that one.

Billy

And sometimes he sits in it like a baby.

Irving

I don't sh*t myself, you little pr**k.

Clip 9

Billy is trying to find Irving. He knocks on the door of an adult book store figuring that he might well be there. And that's a very real possibility, let me tell you. Shrewd kid!

Billy

[Knocks on the door of the adult book store which is opened by a female member of staff]

Woman

What's up?

Billy

Is this an adult bookstore?

Woman

Yeah.

Billy

Is my grandpa in here?

Woman

No. Is there somebody, like... is somebody, like, watching you or something?

Billy

No. Did you get that shirt at Tramps R Us?

Woman

What?

Billy

Did you get that shirt at Tramps R Us?

Woman

No.

Billy

Oh.

Woman

How old are you?

Billy

Eight.

Woman

What's your name?

Billy

Billy.

Woman

When did you... when did you get here?

Billy

You're asking a lot of questions for a stripper. What's your stage name?

Woman

What?

Billy

What's your stripper stage name?

Woman

I don't have a stage name. I'm not a stripper.

Billy

I'll just call you Cinnamon.

Woman

Cinnamon? I look like a stripper?

Billy

Yeah. In a good way.

Woman

In a good way?

Clip 10

If Irving had all the money he'd spent on poontang... Yeah. You heard that right. Irving uses the word poontang which is probably why he can't get himself any.

Irving

If I had all the money I spent on poontang, you know what I'd do with it?

Stall Holder

What?

Irving

Spend it on poontang.

Clip 11

Sitting in a diner, enjoying breakfast. Or a coffee. The last thing you probably want to see is an old man sh*tting himself up the wall of a snug, right? Yeah.

Irving

I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa.

[He leans over and farts]

Billy

Did you... did you just toot, Grandpa?

Irving

That was a church house creeper.

Billy

I think I got one.

[BILLY also farts]

Irving

I think you need to clean out your shorts.

Billy

Beat that!

Irving

Grandpa's tummy's hurting.

Billy

[Coughs]

Let it out!

Irving

Try this one on for size.

[IRVING stands up, bends forwards and straight-out sh*ts up the wall of the diner]

Oh, God.

Billy

Ew, Grandpa, you sharted!

Clip 12

Encouraging a minor to drink? Providing him with alcohol? That's a felony right there. Not that Irving cares. He and Billy are doing some bonding in the sunshine.

Irving

Have a sip of beer with Grandpa.

[BILLY takes a swig from a beer can, spits it out and then coughs twice]

Passing Woman

'Cause he should not be drinking.

Billy

Grandpa, I'm fu*king wasted.

Clip 13

Irving and Billy are staying the night in a motel. Irving has charitably given Billy the larger of the two beds and when the light goes out, this conversation takes place. Classic!

Irving

Night, Billy.

Billy

Grandpa, can we go fishing tomorrow?

Irving

Maybe.

Billy

Promise?

Irving

Sure, I promise maybe.

Billy

Oh, I think I hear a flock of geese!

[BILLY c*cks a leg and farts, loudly]

Oh, my God, I think I just sh*t myself.

Irving

[Laughs hysterically, so much so that this was probably not scripted]