10 MP3 Audio clips from Cemetery Junction (2010)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Freddie is practising his sales-pitch in his bedroom whilst listening to Vaughan Williams. Bruce and Snork can't have that.

[BRUCE and SNORK burst into FREDDIE'S bedroom and wrestle him onto the bed]

Snork

Hold him, hold him.

Freddie

My God! I'm not even breathing, I'm not...

Bruce

Sh-sh-shhhhh.

[SNORK farts in FREDDIE'S face]

Freddie

That is disgusting.

Bruce

I forgot. We're not allowed to fart on him anymore, now he doesn't work in a factory.

Snork

What are you listening to?

Freddie

Vaughan Williams

Bruce

Bloody hell, you've had that suit on five minutes and you've already turned into a poof.

Freddie

What, I'm a poof for listening to classical music?

Bruce

Well, it is a test of queerness, isn't it, Snork?

Snork

That is the test.

Freddie

I'm listening to it because I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to educate myself -

[SNORK is wearing FREDDIE'S expensive leather briefcase as a hat]

Freddie

- get that off. That's real leather.

[BRUCE shows SNORK the cover of the album FREDDIE'S listening to

Snork

[In a camp voice]

Oooh, hello!

Bruce

Freddie, stop listening to music made by poofs. Stick on some Elton John.

[Opening bars of Saturday Night's All Right by Elton John]

Clip 2

The trio have bumped into Sergeant Wyn Davies in the local pub. In uniform, standing at the bar, drinking a pint. The 1970s in British suburbia was a VERY different place!

Sergeant Wyn Davies

How's your Dad, all right?

Bruce

Yeah, he's all right. Caught him at home watching Noddy. It's another big night.

Sergeant Wyn Davies

Oh, hey... why has Noddy got a hat with a bell on it?

Freddie

Go on.

Sergeant Wyn Davies

'Cause he's a c*nt!

Clip 3

Family politics. It's apparently okay for parents to curse but not their offspring, even when they're all grown up. And as for grandparents, they curse like a docker who's hit his thumb with a hammer.

Len Taylor

Go to your room.

Freddie

What for?

Len Taylor

Talking back to your elders.

Freddie

Elders? What is this, a Navajo village?

Len Taylor

[To FREDDIE'S GRAN]

And also, if I'm telling him off about swearing, saying bollocks, why are you coming out with cat's a**holes all over the place?

Freddie's Gran

Bollocks is worse than a**holes.

Len Taylor

'Course it's not. Cat's a**holes are much worse than any bollock. What would you rather have in your head when you're about to eat some chicken; a pair of bollocks or a cat's a**hole?

Mrs. Taylor

LEN!

Freddie's Gran

I don't want bollocks or asses in my head, thank you very much.

Len Taylor

Well, don't say it then!

Clip 4

Louise works in the fish and chip shop and she has quite the crush on Snork. Brian decides to play match-maker with, to be fair, quite limited success. But then, he's not exactly a Lothario himself.

Brian

She likes you.

Snork

What?

Brian

She likes you. She told me she did. Want me to put a word in?

Snork

Nah.

Bruce

Oh, come on, Snork. She's nice.

Snork

No way, I can do better than that.

Brian

He doesn't want to lower his standards.

Snork

No, I do not, actually.

Brian

Yeah, a man of integrity. You don't want to lower your standards but you've got to. You've got to. 'Cause I was like you once. I didn't want to lower my standards but I got tired of getting no muff at all. I was going blind with the levels of masturbation so I lowered my standards. And now...

[BRIAN begins making a gratuitous thrusting motion]

Yeah? I didn't get laid until I was twenty-eight and now I've slept with two women.

Bruce

Have you?

Brian

Yeah, went all the way with one of 'em. Now, I'll do anything that's going. Do you know anything that's going? Oh, you know, I wouldn't pay for it, you know... I've been with a prostitute once but I didn't pay for it. Nah, I did... I did a runner. She couldn't chase me. Nah. I think she had gout!

Clip 5

Bruce and Snork have been daubing graffiti on a billboard for a new housing development when who should show up but PC Renwick. They're in real trouble now.

Freddie

Oh, great. Put that down. Morning, officer!

Bruce

Morning! How are we?

PC Renwick

Is that your handy-work, is it?

Bruce

I can't take all the credit. I did do the breasts but... he likes to do the c*cks.

PC Renwick

Is that funny? A married man with two children who are watching him suck an oversized penis. How... how is that funny?

Clip 6

Freddie needs a sale. Doors are being slammed in his face all over town. So he decides to try his luck with Brian. Surely he'd want to buy a life insurance policy? Wouldn't he? No. No, probably not.

Freddie

Come on, Brian. It's a few pence a week. It's nothing.

Brian

Does it look like I'm made of money?

Freddie

What if you get married one day?

Brian

I will get married. Definitely. But I want to park this in a few more garages first.

Freddie

So what if you die? What's your wife gonna do?

Brian

I'll tell you what my wife will do. She'll bleed me dry when I'm alive and she'll bleed me dry when I'm dead. Haven't even met the woman yet and she's already winding me up.

Clip 7

Snork works in the train station. Part of his duties is to make announcements. Which is too good an opportunity to miss for his so-called friends, Bruce and Freddie.

[Crazy Horses by The Osmonds]

Snork

Oh no, not now, not now! I've already had a warning, I'll get fired. P*ss off!

[Undeterred, he presses the button and begins to make his announcement over the public address system]

Platform alteration -

[BRUCE and FREDDIE wrestle the microphone from SNORK and begin making an announcement of their own]

Bruce

Little willy!

Snork

[Trying to continue]

Will passengers for Swindon -

Bruce

Little willy!

Freddie

Testicles! Testicles!

Bruce

Gonads!

Snork

That last message was spurious. Will passengers for Swindon please go to platform two.

[To BRUCE]

What are you doing?

Bruce

Come and have a beer.

Snork

Well, I've got a job. I'm not going out drinking in the during middle of the day any more. See ya's later.

Bruce

[Not willing to take "no" for an answer, grabs the microphone and makes another announcement]

Will passengers for Swindon please make your way to platform one where their train's about to arrive. And will the gentleman in the bowler hat, will you please me made aware you are a massive queer.

Snork

[Taking to the public address system once again]

Sorry to the gentleman in the bowler hat. We don't know whether you're a queer or not but...

[The GENTLEMAN turns his back on the window, clearly and understandably disgusted]

Snork

Oh.

Clip 8

Dougie Boden (played by Stephen Merchant) approaches Bruce at the world's most boring party and tries to introduce himself and his lovely wife. Yeah. Good luck with that, Dougie.

Dougie Boden

[Clearing his throat]

Helloo! Dougie Boden. Assistant Agency Manager, Life Sales. With me, my wife.

Bruce

Sorry, mate can I stop you there? 'Cause instead of talking to you, I'm gonna go and talk to the lady over there with the lovely tits.

[BRUCE walks away]

Dougie Boden

Bit rude. If he wants to look at lovely tits, yours are perfectly... adequate.

Clip 9

Be careful what you wish for. When Snork suggests that he could do better than the lead singer of the band at the party, he should have known that Bruce would call his bluff.

Snork

Look at this. Everyone's bored stupid. I asked him to play some Slade, but I doubt he will. I could do better than him.

Bruce

Huh?

Snork

I could do better than him.

Bruce

Are you absolutely sure?

Snork

Yeah.

Bruce

Okay. Five quid if you get up there.

Snork

Nah. No.

Bruce

Put your money where your mouth is.

Snork

Five quid? Nah. They won't let me sing. They won't let me sing.

Bruce

[Laughs]

We'll see about that.

[BRUCE walks away in the direction of the stage]

Snork

What you doing?

[BRUCE approaches the BAND LEADER]

Bruce

Hello, mate. Great set, by the way. The guys are really... really loving it, really jumping.

Band Leader

Cheers, mate.

Bruce

Uh, one thing... I'm with the entertainments committee and we've got with us tonight a little mentally handicapped kid. Don't know if you saw him, he's... guy over there?

Band Leader

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he looks happy.

Bruce

He's not happy at all, mate. He's not only got mental problems, he's got physical problems as well. He was born with too many organs. He's got both sets of genitals. Penis, vagina, and another little... dangly thing, don't really know what that is.

Band Leader

Urgh!

Bruce

Yeah, anyway, he's a big fan of music. Really likes you guys. Thinks you're fantastic.

Band Leader

Right, yeah.

Bruce

Quite like to sing a song with you if you don't mind. Maybe some Slade or something like that.

Band Leader

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was over here earlier I think. He's a bit...

Bruce

Oh, yeah... he's a bit... yeah.

Band Leader

Well, yeah... all right. Yeah, yeah. I'll see what I can do.

Bruce

Thank you so much. Really kind.

Band Leader

He's... he's not going to go toilet up here, is he? It's... just 'cause it's dangerous with the electrics.

Clip 10

Snork has finished his enthusiastic rendition of Cum On Feel The Noize by Slade and is, well... buzzing. It's time for a joke, methinks. Just... not this joke. Not here. Not now.

Snork

Thanks. There's more if you want it. I'm an all-round entertainer.

Bruce

Well, he's certainly round!

Snork

Uh... jokes! I've got some jokes. Um, why does Noddy... wear a hat with a bell on it?

Bruce

NO!

Snork

Because he's a c*nt!

[If you listen carefully, you can probably make out the sound of a tumble weed rolling through the crowd and a distant church bell chiming]