12 MP3 Audio clips from Bad Moms (2016)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Jessie Harkness is a widower, raising his little girl alone. And the moms at school think he's amazing. So amazing that Stacy would even let him do something unspeakable to her butt.

Jessie

Hey, guys!

Moms

Hi!

Gwendolyn

Cute back-pack you've got there.

Jessie

Oh, yeah. Uh... I'm such an Elsa!

Moms

[Laugh over-enthusiastically]

Gwendolyn

You're hilarious. You really are. God, he's so fu*king hot.

[Handing a PTA flyer to a parent]

There you go.

Vicky

I'm so glad his wife died.

Gwendolyn

You know what? I saw him install a car seat yesterday in two seconds. I'm telling you, it was like boom, boom, click. It was so hot.

Vicky

Oh, gosh.

Stacy

You know what? I think I'd let him put it in my butt. I mean, in theory, I'm not really into the butt thing but I would let him go to town back there.

Clip 2

Who knew that dogs can get Vertigo? Well I did, obviously, but yes, this is absolutely a thing. If your dog staggers, is unable to walk or is rolling over and over, it's possibly Vertigo.

Vet

Your dog has vertigo.

Amy

That can't be a thing.

Vet

And you are going to have to carry him until he gets home.

Amy

Are you sh*tting me, right now?

Vet

I don't sh*t. But he will, uncontrollably for the next thirty-six hours.

Clip 3

Moms can have some pretty weird fantasies. Not all of them are sexual. Some of them are just fantasies about being pampered, even if it means getting injured in a car crash to achieve it. Apparently.

Kiki

[Sighs]

Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like... a little one. But I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons and the nurses rub cream on my feet and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that, like, something you guys fantasise about, too?

Amy & Carla

No.

Carla

You're... you're batsh*t crazy.

Amy

Yeah.

Carla

And I'm never gonna get in a car with you.

Clip 4

We all have claims to fame, right? We might have met someone famous or appeared on TV or in movies. But not everyone can honestly claim to have fu*ked Vin Diesel. Apart from his wife, perhaps.

Kiki

I want to be a single mom.

Carla

Oh, it's fu*king awesome. Bottom line is, I have to live my life one quarter mile at a time.

Amy

Is that from -

Carla

Yeah. The Fast and the Furious.

Amy

Yeah.

Carla

I fu*ked Vin Diesel when he was in town doing Furious 6.

Amy

You fu*ked Vin Diesel?

Carla

Yeah.

Kiki

Vincent Diesel?

Carla

It might not have been actually Vin Diesel. But I definitely fu*ked a bald guy.

Clip 5

You've heard of the song It's Raining Men by the Weather Girls, right? Well, it could have been worse. It could have been raining penises. Isn't that right, Carla?

Carla

When I was in my twenties, I would just walk down the street and it would just... it would just be raining d*cks. Wherever I went, it was just d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck! It was like, "Forecast... lotta c*ck!"

Clip 6

The girls are hitting the town to try to get Amy laid. Which means a drastic shake-up of her very limited wardrobe. No mom bras or floral dresses allowed for this little outing.

Amy

No. Hold on. This was like my slutty Halloween costume from college.

Carla

I like the word slutty. Put it on.

Kiki

Just try it. Try it.

Amy

You guys are ridiculous. I'm telling you.

[She takes off her t-shirt in order to try on the dress, revealing a flesh-coloured, unflattering bra beneath]

Carla

Holy fu*k! Look at your mom bra.

Kiki

Ooh.

Carla

There is so much surface area. You'd make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.

Amy

This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.

Carla

[Laughs]

Shut up!

Amy

Don't laugh.

Carla

Wait... are you serious?

Amy

Yes!

Carla

Oh, honey.

Kiki

Amy!

Amy

Oh!

Carla

That looks like you just got out of surgery.

Amy

Is it that bad?

Carla

Yeah, there's... just one boob-log.

Kiki

Yeah.

Carla

You don't even have two tits.

Amy

I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?

Kiki & Carla

NO!

Amy

Oh, wow!

Kiki

This bra will be the death of your vagina.

Clip 7

It's time for the first of several PTA show-downs. Time to put Gwendolyn in her place. Not that it goes so well this time around to be perfectly honest. Thanks largely to Amy's d*ck of a husband.

Amy

You're going down.

Gwendolyn

No, honey. The only thing going down is your husband on another woman.

Vicky

Well, damn!

Clip 8

If Amy wants to take Gwendolyn down, to topple her from her throne as president of the PTA, she's gotta realise the enormity of the task ahead of her. Luckily, Carla and Kiki have her back.

Kiki

This is a terrible idea, Amy. There's no way you can beat her. Gwendolyn has been president of the PTA for the last six years.

Amy

Kiki, she messed with my kid. I can't let that stand. Come on!

Kiki

Right, but all the different mom groups are gonna vote for Gwendolyn. She's got the attachment moms, she's got the tiger moms, the... the sad moms -

Carla

She has the blogging moms -

Kiki

She's got the CrossFit moms -

Carla

Cameltoe moms -

Kiki

She's got the drunk moms -

Carla

Moms you wanna fu*k -

Kiki

The moms that used to be dads -

Carla

She has the moms who always have a limb broken -

Kiki

The hairy moms -

Carla

The wearable art moms, the juicing moms.

Kiki

Mmm-hmm.

Carla

She has the moms with the huge areolas.

Kiki

The black moms, the lesbian moms, the divorced moms. She even has the divorced black lesbian moms. That is a really hard group to get.

Clip 9

When you're fighting the good fight, all bets are off. Sometimes you've just got to stand up and be counted. Oh and punch that chick right in the tits, right Carla?

Amy

But, you guys, she's a bully. Okay, she wants us all to be these perfect little Nazi moms and our kids to be hyper-stressed and over-scheduled. My daughter gets a new rash every week... and she's twelve.

Carla

You had me at Nazi. I say we go punch that chick... right in the tits.

Amy

Yes!

Clip 10

You know when your marriage guidance counselling is not going well when your therapist says this. You might as well walk on out and head straight to the nearest court house to file for divorce.

Dr. Karl

Okay... remember when I said that all marriages are saveable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.

Amy

So, what do you think we should do?

Dr. Karl

Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what to do. But, uh... as a human-being with two fu*kin' eyes in my head, yeah... I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is catastrophic sh*t.

Clip 11

History has seen so many inspirational speeches. But this is right up there with the best of them. If only Churchill, Roosevelt and Franklin had managed to summon this much passion. Wow. Go, Carla!

Carla

This is not about the election. Amy, sit up. This is about standing up to the b**ch that hurt your little girl. Now, are you gonna sit here and let Gwendolyn get away with this sh*t?

Kiki

Don't do it, Amy.

Carla

FU*K THAT! FU*K IT! You are gonna rise up, like a small little white Apollo Creed and you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say, "You can do what you want to me. I don't care. Throw it at me. But you fu*ked with my daughter. And now I have to fight you. I will fight you in the playground, I will fight you in the cafeteria, I will even fight you in the parking lot at Trader Joe's. But I will have justice for my little girl. Because I am a fu*king mom. And we protect our young." So, get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave and let's body-slam this b**ch!

Clip 12

The three girls are on route to the PTA election. In a 1970 Dodge Challenger Coupe. But can Kiki ignore her pathetic husband's cry for help? Yeah. You bet your ass she can! At last, Kiki!

Kiki

Oh, fun! Kent is calling.

[Answering the phone]

Hi, honey!

Kent

Kiki. The kids are going insane. I can't do this. You've gotta come home right now.

Kiki

But I can't come home. I'm going to the PTA meeting with my friends.

Kent

No, no, no, no. I said come home now, damnit!

Kiki

And I said, "I'm going to the fu*king PTA meeting with my fu*king friends," so stop being such a goddamn pu**y and make it work!