15 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The Goes Wrong Show (2019)

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It's the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society's Christmas play, The Spirit of Christmas and Robert (playing Santa) is meeting the local children to give them gifts.

Santa

Right, okay. What do you want for Christmas?

Grace

An Xbox.

Santa

An Xbox. You sure that's the gift you... pre-arranged with the producers?

Grace

Yes.

Santa

[Laughs, throwing in some mandatory "Ho-ho-ho's"]

I think the producers agreed there was a £15 limit and you'd be getting a copy of Robert Groves' Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder, now with diagrams. And it's even signed by the author, y'see? To Grace.

Grace

That says Grate.

Santa

So sorry. Let's fix that, shall we?

[Scribbles something in the book]

There we are. Now it says ungrateful. Right...

Santa and his best elves, Nistle and Nostle are meant to make their stage entrance down the chimney. But it's gone horribly wrong. Santa's got his sack caught. Sounds painful.

Santa

HO! HO! AH! Come on, come on, you... ah, no. My sack's caught in the flue.

Nistle

You can't say that.

Santa

'Course I can. It's a literal sack. I'm not talking about my balls, am I? Ah, okay... now my actual sac is caught.

Owing to a malfunction of an optic containing a bottle of sherry, Santa has imbibed a little too much Christmas spirit and is now having trouble lelivering his dines. Er, delivering his lines.

Santa

Well, in... uh, in difficult times, what you need is a magfastic, fagical friend. A fanfastic, magiful fr... uh... a fantastic vaginal friend.

In order to restore Belle's Christmas cheer, Santa calls upon his old friend the Snowman. Because if you're down in the dumps, a six foot pile of snow with a carrot for a nose is just what you need.

Snowman

Hello, Santa!

Santa

Hello, Mister Snowman. Merry Christmas my old friend.

Snowman

Well, if you've called on me, that must mean someone's lost their Christmas cheer.

Santa

That's right, come inside and meet Belle.

Snowman

I'll have to be careful I don't melt.

Santa

Oh, get over yourself.

The Magical Toy Machine can make any toy for any child. But not for mums and dads. It doesn't make that kind of toy. Not Rampant Rabbits or Fleshlights. No. Just toys for children.

Nistle

This is the Magical Toy Machine.

Santa

It can make anything you can dream of. Any toy imaginable. Not rude stuff, obviously.

The copious volume of hurriedly downed sherry has deadened even Santa's Christmas cheer. In fact, Robert just hates the script and wants people to know it.

Nistle

Oh, Santa. Look how happy Belle is now. Perhaps we weren't needed here after all.

Santa

All she needed was the love of a mother and a f... oh, this is saccharine crap, isn't it?

[Pointing at the father through the patio doors]

Give it six months, he'll be living in his car like I am.

Dennis is the worst actor in the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society and he's playing Karl McKennon, a hot-shot barrister with a knack for... getting his clients off.

Karl McKennon

You look nervous.

Jack Inwood

Maybe a little.

Karl McKennon

Well, don't worry about the judge. I've got Shawcroft wrapped around my little sleeve. Ever since the Weatherby case, I've had a real finger up his ace.

The play goes from bad to worse for Dennis. How did he get this part? Was the Casting Director blind and deaf? Or is Dennis just having an off-night every night?

Karl McKennon

Look who it is! It's, uh... it's...

Becky Sandhurst

Becky Sandhurst.

Karl McKennon

Becky Sandhurst! Leader of the prostitution.

Jack Inwood

Prosecution.

Karl McKennon

She's my sex life.

Jack Inwood

Ex-wife.

Karl McKennon

Ex-wife. She's my ex-wife. Morning, Karl. You're looking well.

Becky Sandhurst

[Aware that Dennis has just performed her line]

Morning, Karl. You're looking well.

Karl McKennon

How's Jess? Long pause. Come on, Becky. I've every right to ask about my daughter.

Becky Sandhurst

She's fine.

Karl McKennon

Hope she's not too disappointed when her mum loses the case.

Becky Sandhurst

Loses? You might as well give up now. We have the truth on our side.

Karl McKennon

[Laughs]

Since when has the truth mattered? I get off with all my clients.

Becky Sandhurst

You get all of your clients off.

Karl McKennon

I do. And that's why I'm gonna get jacked off.

Becky Sandhurst

You're gonna get Jack off?

Karl McKennon

You know me. I don't have any... scrupalay?

Becky Sandhurst

Sc... listen, your lack of scruples is exactly the reason I don't allow you to see your daughter any more.

Karl McKennon

I know you still love me, Becky.

Becky Sandhurst

The man I loved knew the difference between right and wrong.

Karl McKennon

Sexual tension thrums between them.

Becky Sandhurst

No.

Karl McKennon

I'll see you in court!

If you ever find yourself gripping the rail at court, facing life imprisonment for a murder you simply didn't commit, skip over any listing for a barrister named Karl McKennon. He's dogsh*t.

Justice Shawcroft

You stand here on trial before a jury of... three of your peers. You are charged with the murder of your brother, Nigel Terrance Inwood. Counsel, how does your client plead?

Karl McKennon

Guilty, Your Honour.

Jack Inwood

[Instructing his counsel from the dock]

Not guilty.

Karl McKennon

The script says guilty.

Jack Inwood

Not guilty now. That's later.

Karl McKennon

Not guilty now but guilty later.

It only takes one moron to get their dialogue wrong and the whole play is in danger of descending into chaos as everybody starts performing each other's lines.

Karl McKennon

ERECTION!

Becky Sandhurst

Ob... objection!

Karl McKennon

How can you object to that, Karl?

[KARL having now got the lines all out of sequence, the wrong performers deliver the wrong lines from here on in]

Becky Sandhurst

What's the matter, Becky? Can't keep up?

Karl McKennon

ORDER IN COURT!

Justice Shawcroft

I'm sorry, Your Honour.

Karl McKennon

That's quite all right. Please proceed.

Becky Sandhurst

My client is innocent.

Karl McKennon

I'll be the one to decide that, Mister McKennon.

Justice Shawcroft

You're just trying to undermine me because I'm your ex-wife. Mister McKennon, on this occasion the court will be glad to uphold your erection... OBJECTION!

Dennis does know the colloquial meaning of the phrase jack you off, doesn't he? Because this is starting to get extremely awkward.

Jack Inwood

Don't worry about it. You really crushed that prosecutor today.

Karl McKennon

You don't think I was too hard on her?

Jack Inwood

I'm not paying you to have a conscience. I'm paying you to get me off.

Karl McKennon

Jack you off.

Outside Broadcast has improved significantly in recent years. With satellite links and hardly any delay, a journalist can report from anywhere at any time. But not so much in Cornley, it seems.

Henry Brown

I'm Henry Brown. I'm standing outside the Old Bailey courthouse where a jury has just heard the defence make its final statement. I was... just... escorted... out of the trial... for... gripping... myself. Now we have to wait and see what the jury decides. And perhaps -

[The signal disintegrates completely and HENRY starts to sound like a stuck CD]

- reporting.

The defence has the trial in their pocket. Justice Shawcroft has deemed the proceedings a mistrial. But Karl McKennon has changed his mind. He's tired of... getting off with guilty men. Fu*k's sake...

Justice Shawcroft

Order in court! Everyone settle down.

Karl McKennon

Your Honour... I withdraw my request.

Jack Inwood

You can't do this.

Justice Shawcroft

This is most irregular.

Jack Inwood

Why are you rejecting the mistrial, McKennon?

Karl McKennon

Because I'm tired of getting off with guilty men.

Chris Bean is the Director of the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society and he has some truly awful shows under his belt. But this year's Halloween play will be different. Probably.

Chris Bean

Tonight, we are going to present a truly frightening horror. Last Halloween, we presented a season of spooky stage adaptations but, regrettably due to misprints on our publicity materials, we ended up presenting a rather underwhelming production of the Texas Chain Saw Massager in which a masked man went on a rampage giving back rubs to the local community. Equally poorly received was our pyjama-based production of Nightwear on Elm Street.

It's Max who screws up this time. Such an easy scene. Harper's offered cash by Edwin and refuses to accept it. Easy, right? Well, apparently not. Where did they find these people?!

Edwin Graves

That's a nice locket you've got there.

Harper

Belonged to my mother.

Edwin Graves

Of course. I didn't imagine you could afford such fine things. I could... help you with that.

[EDWIN takes a pound note from his wallet and holds it out to HARPER]

Take this.

[HARPER takes the note]

Edwin Graves

No.

[He snatches the note back again]

Take this.

[HARPER takes the note and EDWIN snatches it back again]

No! Take this.

[HARPER takes the note]

Edwin Graves

No!

[EDWIN snatches the note back again]

Take this.

[Under his breath]

Don't take it.

Harper

No, I couldn't possibly, sir.