9 MP3 Audio clips from Central Intelligence (2016)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Every office has a Steve. And in Calvin's office it's... Steve. A guy you love to hate. A guy you'd happily punch all night and never get bored. You know what I mean?

Steve

Why are you all cranky pants this morning, huh? Oh... it's because Ethan got promoted instead of you?

Calvin

Ethan got promoted?

Steve

Youngest Senior Associate in the history of the firm. Corner office... the whole deal. Didn't he used to be your assistant? Who cares? Hey! You should come to lunch with us. We're gonna be celebrating his pro-mosh. Probably be good for you to kiss the ring a bit.

Calvin

Kiss the ring a bit?

Steve

Hey, no... you play your chessboard however you like. Okay? Me? Lunch today... I'm gonna french-kiss that thing.

[STEVE makes a frankly obscene gesture with his tongue]

Clip 2

It's easy to forget those you went to school with. But you'll remember any one of them given the right memory cue. Like a kid getting thrown into a crowded gym butt-naked, for example.

Calvin

You remember Robbie Weirdicht from, uh... from High School?

Maggie

No.

Calvin

The guy who got beaten up by Trish D'Marco at home coming?

Maggie

No.

Calvin

The kid who tried rapping on Coolio's 1-2-3-4 at the talent show but then he kinda lost his way mid-way through so he just started bobbing his head and he stood there?

Maggie

No. Nothing.

Calvin

The guy who got thrown out the gym butt-ass naked, senior year?

Maggie

Oh my God, yeah! Why wouldn't you start with that?

Clip 3

Every bar in every city in every country there's one short man who thinks he's a tough guy. And in this particular bar, that man is Slaine. But he's bitten off more than he can reasonably chew.

Slaine

Why don't you and your boyfriend apologise to Big Rick, here and then go jerk each-other in the parking lot?

Calvin

That's... that's... that's a lot.

Bob

Yeah you're right, CJ, that's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer in good conscience walk away and... jerk anyone off in the parking lot. I'm afraid we ain't goin' anywhere.

Clip 4

Funny how in times of immense stress, when you've switched to fight or flight mode, your body decides it's necessary to lose weight by evacuating your bowels into your pants, huh?

Agent Harris

Mr. Joyner, your friend Bob Stone is a dangerous psychotic. You're lucky to be alive.

Calvin

Okay, listen to me. This man is not, I repeat to you... he is NOT, NOT my friend. Zero allegiance.

Agent Harris

All right, Mr. Joyner. Prove it.

Calvin

Hey, yeah... well I need a second. You... you gotta step outside. I gotta... I gotta take a sh*t. This is a lot. I got to go. Just give me a second, man. Jesus Christ!

Clip 5

Like all good plans, this one will either get Bob and Calvin killed or it'll be a totally boss story. How could Calvin not be cool with that?!

Bob

I gotta plan. It might get us both killed but if it works, it'll be a totally boss story. Cool?

Calvin

No! No, it's not cool.

Bob

Cool.

Calvin

No, I said it's not cool!

Clip 6

You ever been scared sh*t-less? I mean, actually sh*t-less? Well, that's what Calvin is right now. If he sat down on a toilet right now, nothing's coming out.

Agent Harris

Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.

Calvin

Okay, thank you.

Agent Harris

Trust me, I know a scared sh*t-less civilian when I see one. You don't have to convince me.

Calvin

That... you got 'im. Over here. That's me. Right now? I'm... I'm not comfortable. Okay... I am scared... okay, I... I don't have no sh*t in my system. If I sat down on a toilet, nothing's coming out. Farts are just air.

[Unnecessarily, CALVIN begins making farting noises to illustrate his point]

Clip 7

If you're a CIA agent, it's probably not advisable to watch porn on your service-issued iPad. It's not illegal but it's really not a very good idea.

Agent Harris

This is all that's left of Phil.

[AGENT MITCHELL passes an iPad to CALVIN, intending to show him a photograph of a bloodied human ear]

Calvin

Um, this is PornHub.

Agent Mitchell

Oh. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! Sorry.

Clip 8

Escaping from a CIA facility should NOT be this easy. I guess they should train their security staff better than this. Always check your corners, guys!

CIA Agent

Wrong key-card, pal. Turn around. You needed this one.

[The AGENT shows CALVIN a key-card hanging from a lanyard around his neck]

On the ground, now.

Calvin

Can... can I say something first?

CIA Agent

What?

Calvin

This is gonna hurt.

[The AGENT is body-slammed into the door by BOB who he hadn't noticed behind him]

Clip 9

Bob needs a distraction in order to liberate a small aircraft from a private airfield. Calvin is that distraction. And his approach is... unique to say the least.

Calvin

Hey! I, uh... I need a plane.

Security

Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.

Calvin

I understand that but I have a organ in this cooler right now, needs to get transported ASAP.

Security

Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.

Calvin

Well, I hate to break it to you but this not a, uh... this is not a heart.

Security

Oh, it's not a heart?

Calvin

No. It's not.

Security

Hmm. What is it, then?

Calvin

It's a d*ck.

Security

Okay. I am made of questions right now.