23 MP3 Audio clips from Motherland (2016)

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Julia and Paul are having childcare issues. She works full-time. He parties full-time. Her mother is on strike. You get the picture. But what to do?

Paul

What about Helenka?

Julia

She's a cleaner. She's not a babysitter. Anyway... I really don't trust Helenka. I'm almost certain it was her that ate my Easter egg that time.

Paul

Why don't we have a nanny again?

Julia

What? I've told you. I really want the children to be brought up the way I was. By my mother.

Kevin is on the side-lines. He wants to be part of the elite group of mothers who meet at Tea Bags every morning. He just needs an "inner" and women's rights has got to be it, right?

Kevin

I wonder if Amanda knows about the situation up at Toasties?

Liz

The situation at Toasties? What situation at Toasties?

Kevin

Another breast-feeding incident. They asked Deidre to cover up. I tell you, Liz... if it was men doing the feeding there'd be blokes all over this café with their breasts out.

Liz

Hmm. Yeah.

Kevin

I'm just gonna see if Amanda heard about it.

Liz

DON'T!

Kevin

What?

Liz

It's not going to happen, Kevin.

Kevin

What's not?

Liz

We're not getting on the big table. They don't want us there. You'll have to accept it.

Kevin

I'm just going to have a word.

Liz

[Mocking KEVIN]

Oh hi, Amanda. Just wondered if you'd heard about the war on tits at Toasties?

[Mocking AMANDA]

Oh, uh... sorry, Kevin. My friends and I were hoping you'd died.

[Mocking KEVIN]

Okay, great. I'll send round an e-mail to discuss an appropriate response.

[Mocking AMANDA]

Do whatever you like. My computer sh*ts all your e-mails to a spam folder.

[Mocking KEVIN]

Okay, then. Bye!

[Mocking AMANDA]

Bye! Go away forever!

Julia is getting to know Liz who might JUST have become her new best friend. Sadly, this is largely due to Liz's ability to assist with Julia's childcare. The shallow b**ch!

Julia

Do you work?

Liz

I was at Citizen's Advice but... one of my calls got recorded for training purposes. So... that was that.

We've all been there. At a party or a gathering where things suddenly become VERY awkward. First there's Julia's social faux pas and then comes Liz's drunken attack on the other women. AWKWARD!

Amanda

Julia? What are you doing?

Julia

Oh, I was just... uh... I was just picking at the left-overs.

Amanda

If you were hungry, you could have just asked. You're making me feel like a bad hostess.

Julia

Oh, I'm sorry.

Amanda

Do you want me to cook you something? I can't bear to see you eat out of the bin like a homeless person.

Julia

No! No! I wasn't eating out of the bin... it's just, like... I was just... you know, I thought there'd be food here for the adults.

Anne

Oh, God!

Meg

Wow!

Amanda

Well, Julia... I've been dealing with something and I'm sorry I didn't have time to lay on a banquet.

Julia

No, I... I didn't... mean -

Amanda

Do you want me to cook you an omelette?

Julia

No, honestly, I'm fine -

Amanda

No. I insist. I can't have my guests eating out of the rubbish! Does anyone else want food? Anyone? I'm making Julia an omelette. Anyone?

Liz

I'll have an omelette actually, Amanda. Saves me defrosting some eggs when I get home. And while I get the chance, Melissa, I should say I feel bad. I feel bad. I should have cleared the air and apologised for taking your fat husband's virginity twenty years ago! And while I'm at it, Anne... can you RSVP to Charlie's birthday party because he really wants Darius there and it'll break his fu*king heart if his best friend doesn't make it.

Anne

Yeah.

Liz

Thank you.

The party's over. Julia has left Amanda's house, embarrassed and despondent. But Liz, as always, has some inspirational words to lift her spirits.

Julia

There's a whole network of helpful mums I have no access to anymore.

Liz

Oh, well. You can't make an omelette without telling a few skinny b**ches to go fu*k themselves.

Liz is full of useful advice for maximising the potential for free child care. Thirty kids, four caterpillar cakes, a pound coin, Gangnam Style and undiluted cordial. Yep. That's it!

Julia

What did you mean when you said I was missing a trick?

Liz

If you've got child care issues, you should throw a big party.

Julia

What? Why?

Liz

You invite thirty kids, you get thirty invites back. That's free child care. I'm having a lovely afternoon without my son right now.

Julia

How does that even work? I mean... the parents have to stay, don't they?

Liz

No, it's drop-offs. You gift them a drop-off party then it's quid pro quo... they'll let you drop off in return.

Julia

Liz, I haven't got time to organise a massive party.

Liz

What time?! You buy four caterpillar cakes from Asda, put them together in one long human centipede type caterpillar cake, then just let the kids help themselves. Don't even bother with a knife, just let them dig their creepy little fingers in. Then, tell them you've hidden a quid somewhere and relax. Then for the big finalé, play Gangnam Style and give them undiluted squash. They'll go fu*king mental. It's all over by four p.m. Done.

We've all done it, haven't we? Tried to make a novelty cake for a child's birthday. It never quite turns out like the one in the photograph though, does it?!

Liz

This is a bag of choking hazards for the party bags. And give them out at the end. That's a sign that everyone has to p*ss off.

Julia

Oh thanks, Liz. How much do I owe you?

Liz

One pound. God bless Poundland.

Julia

No, I mean for everything.

Liz

Oh, right. Er...

[Checks the receipt]

Five pound. God bless Poundland! Right. There's four caterpillar cakes in there.

Julia

NO! I've made a Minion cake. You wouldn't know it's a Minion but I really think it'll pass as a cake.

Liz

It looks like an angry sweetcorn.

How much clearer could Kevin possibly have been? Ivy vomited on him. Twice. If I can understand that, why the hell is Julia not getting it?!

Kevin

Ivy's just been sick.

Julia

What do you mean, sick?

Kevin

Uh, she vomited on me. And... and then she vomited again. On... on me.

Julia

What do you mean?

Kevin

Um... I... I don't know how else to say it.

The entertainer for Ivy's party is notorious. He's rubbish. He calls himself "Animal Man" but he only has one type of animal in his repertoire. Cats. They're all bloody cats.

Julia

How is she?

Liz

Just had another little mini-vom earlier.

Julia

Well, she hasn't got a temperature, so that's good. Look, you don't have to sit up here. I can take over.

Liz

No, I'm having a nice time. Ivy's having a nice time. This is my kind of party. Plus I owe the animal bloke fifty quid. I booked him for a party and then didn't pay him.

Julia

Because he was racist?

Liz

No, because he was rubbish. God, if I didn't pay people because they were racist, I wouldn't have a satellite dish. Or catering at my wedding.

To clarify, Kevin's "Carrot Flute" is really just that. A flute carved out of a carrot. But still, it sounds all kinds of wrong when he says it like this.

Kevin

Tag team. I just thought Ivy might want a peep on my carrot flute.

Liz

Please don't say that to any other children, Kevin.

Sex Night. Is that a thing? Do couples put that in their calendars? Plan ahead? I mean, surely spontaneity is the foundation of any relationship, isn't it?

Kevin

You know what? I'm gonna take Sex Night out of the calendar. I put it in there as a repeat event but, uh... oh. She's already deleted it.

Animal Man is all packed up. All of his cats are back in their baskets and back in his van. There's just the small matter of a tip. And Liz certainly has a few of those for him.

Animal Man

Right. All packed up, then.

Julia

Great. So, is that everything or what?

Animal Man

Oh, it's just that I normally get a bit of a... thank you.

Julia

Thank you.

Animal Man

No, I meant a tip.

Julia

Oh. Well, if I'm honest, you were late. And also if I'm honest, you were quite unimaginative.

Animal Man

Uh, well... I... I... I think the kids really enjoyed all the animals.

Kevin

[Makes a sarcastic noise]

Animal Man

S... sorry. What was that?

Kevin

I said...

[Repeats the sound]

Animal Man

Sorry. Have you got something to say? Because I heard all your sarcy comments during the show.

Kevin

Show!

Animal Man

All right, mate. I don't know what your issue is but I -

Kevin

I'm not going to get into here in front of children and mothers, mate.

Animal Man

Okay. Fine. Let's take it outside, then.

Kevin

Fine. Front or back?

Animal Man

What?

Kevin

Front door or back door? Because it'd be stupid if I went to the garden and you went to the street.

Animal Man

Front then. Because that is where my van is parked.

Liz

Leave it, Kevin. He's not worth it.

Animal Man

It's all right, love. I've got th... I know you. I know you. You owe me money.

Liz

No, I don't.

Animal Man

You do.

Liz

I didn't pay you because your act is terrible. And you're racist. If your act was amazing, I'd put up with a tiny bit of racism. But your act is sh*t. It's just cats, mate. Don't call yourself Animal Man if you just have cats. Call yourself Cat Man. Bloody Cat-Man-Do. There you go. That's a great name. You can have that. It's got to be worth fifty quid.

Why does everyone want a piece of cake the moment you get one? And they don't want their own piece of cake. No. They want a forkful of yours, don't they?

Julia

That cake looks nice.

Liz

Mmmm.

Julia

I might go and get some cake. Unless you want to share that with me.

Liz

No. I want to eat all of it on my own.

Julia

Pig!

Making punch for a school event is a fine art. Too little alcohol and it's a snooze-fest. Too much and people are ripping off their shirts, fighting and vomiting on the floor. In my experience.

Anne

Is Liz really doing the drinks? Because her measures are demented. I mean, do you remember the last time she did them?

Kevin

No. I don't think anyone does.

Kevin. A man who carries his wife's swimming costume AND tampons around with him. I mean, sure... this is a pool party but his wife isn't there so...

Julia

Anyway, I don't... I don't have a swimsuit, so...

Kevin

I've got my wife's costume in my bag. The gusset sticker's still attached so it... it's hygienic as hell.

Julia

Kevin, why have you got your wife's swim suit?

Kevin

Just in case, I suppose.

Liz

You got tampons in there as well?

Kevin

What size?

Liz has found a wallet. She's contacted the owner and she's meeting up with him. He sounds nice. She has plans. She has designs for Wallet Guy. And those plans don't include her children. Obviously.

Julia

Wallet man called and I have to go now.

Kevin

Okay. Have fun.

Liz

NO! NOW, KEVIN! I HAVE TO GO NOW! YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY KIDS.

Kevin

But I'm already taking Julia's kids.

Liz

YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY KIDS, KEVIN. PLEASE! PLEASE, KEVIN... TAKE MY FU*KING KIDS!

Kevin

Fine!

Introducing a new partner to an ex-partner can be awkward. Especially when your ex-partner is Liz. Because Liz is... well, she's lovely but she's also a little bit of a nutter.

Liz

So, when am I going to meet this Debbie woman, then?

Lee

Okay. It's not Debbie. It's Debbie-Louise and she's not a woman. She's my... partner.

Liz

What? She went from zero to partner in three weeks? Didn't even have to climb the charts? What is she, Ed Sheeran?

Lee

Okay, well you don't need to meet her.

Liz

Course I do! She's moved in. She's living in your home. If my kids are going to be using the same bathroom as her, then I want to meet her. She could be a nutter.

Lee

I don't go out with nutters.

Liz

WHAT ARE YOU FU*KING TALKING ABOUT? OF COURSE YOU DO!

Sporking. It's like stabbing but using a spork. Which, if you're uninitiated, is a cross between a spoon and a fork. And Liz has done some sporking her time. 'Course she has.

Julia

So, what's been going on?

Liz

Nothing much. Apart from my ex, Lee having a new partner. No. No, not girlfriend. Partner. Debbie-Louise for fu*k's sake. Who double-barrels two stupid names? Anyway, she's welcome to him. All we did was fight if I'm honest. I stabbed him once. Just with a spork from a Tesco pasta salad. Just in the leg. Police got involved. I got a caution for sporking. The wa*ker!

Lee's new partner is tidy. No, not like that. Well, maybe. But I mean that she likes her home neat. She likes cushions. And potpourri. Loads and loads of potpourri. Me? Just makes me sneeze.

Liz

Where's Debbie-Does-Dallas?

Lee

It's Debbie-Louise and she's at work.

Liz

Where's all the kids' stuff?

Lee

What?

Liz

[Barging past LEE and going inside his house for a look around]

Where's all the toys and mess and kiddie-crap?

Lee

I don't know. In their rooms?

Liz

What's with all the cushions?

Lee

I like cushions.

Liz

Since fu*king when?

Lee

You can't get angry at cushions, Liz. You know? You can't have strong feelings against something that's designed to make your back more comfortable.

Liz

[Pointing to a marble column supporting a potted plant]

How is that not broken? How can Charlie play in here with that?

[Spotting a bowl of potpourri on the table]

What's this sh*t?

Lee

I dunno.

Liz

It's potpourri. There's just... bowls of potpour-fu*king-ri everywhere! She's turning our house into a nursing home.

Lee

Yeah, well... it's my house.

Liz

She can't just erase all evidence of our kids. I wanna meet this woman. You set something up or... I swear I'll...

[Throws the bowl of potpourri to the floor]

You're the only man in a room full of arguing women. Angry women. Spiteful women. How do you stop it? Well, how about loudly announcing a secret that one of them has trusted you with?

[The WOMEN are arguing loudly, shouting over each other]

Kevin

AMANDA'S HAVING THREESOMES WITH A SQUADDIE!

[Predictably, everyone goes quiet as this news sinks in]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right? Well, try a woman who you've been holding out on. Not being honest to about your earnings. Hell hath no fury like that woman, I can tell you!

Lee

So... uh, listen. We gotta talk about when Debbie-Louise has the baby, I'm going to, uh... have to reduce child maintenance for obvious reasons.

Liz

Oh, yeah. About that. I think you forgot to tell the CSA about the wage increase you had in January. Yeah, but don't worry. Easy fix. I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau and they said you've been under-paying me for the past thirteen months, so... back-dated, that's eighteen hundred quid. Oh, and watch out for Charlie. He drank the baby's lactulose so...he might have a bit of diarrhoea in about four hours. Have a good time, kids. See you Sunday!

Lee

Hang on -

[LIZ slams the door in LEE's face]

Liz and Julia have fallen out. Mainly because Julia was blatantly using Liz. And friends don't do that. It's give and take. Not take, take, take. But Kevin is on hand to reassure Julia.

Kevin

Don't worry about Liz. She doesn't hold a grudge. She just sometimes finds it hard to let go of resentment.

Julia

That's literally what holding a grudge means. You just said she doesn't hold a grudge and then you just described a grudge!

Kevin rarely swears. Very rarely. But sometimes a man has to do what he has to do. And in Kevin's case, that's apparently fu*king himself up the ass. Not literally, of course. That would be weird.

Kevin

Did... did you see Julia back there?

Liz

Kevin!

Kevin

I... I just think she'd love it if you -

Liz

KEVIN! Drop it, all right? The only team Julia is on is Team Julia. I don't need any more users in my life. I'm going a purge.

Kevin

She's just been under a lot of stress.

Liz

Oh, bloody hell, Kevin. You're exhausting.

Kevin

Don't we all have to try to make the best of things? What? Should we all just give up? I've just found out I've got a job interview on Wednesday. I don't want to go back to work. I've fu*ked myself. I've fu*ked myself in the ass. I've fu*ked myself right up the ass. I mean, we just have to make the best of it.

Liz

All right, Sweary Mary!

Kevin

Sorry.