25 MP3 Audio clips from Blackadder the Third (1987)

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Mrs. Miggins doesn't really understand politics. And nor, for that matter, does Baldrick. But, luckily, Edmund is on hand to educate them both and dispel some myths and misunderstandings.

Edmund

Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity. The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end. After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal.

Mrs. Miggins

Oh, has there been a general election then, Mr. Blackadder?

Edmund

Indeed there has, Mrs. Miggins.

Mrs. Miggins

Oh, well, I never heard about it.

Edmund

Well, of course you didn't. You're not eligible to vote.

Mrs. Miggins

Well, why not?

Edmund

Because virtually no one is: women, peasants, chimpanzees, lunatics, Lords...

Baldrick

That's not true, Lord Nelson's got a vote.

Edmund

He's got a "boat", Baldrick.

For Prince George, socks are like sex. There's tonnes about but he never has any. But when you consider his choice of trousers, that's hardly surprising, really.

Prince George

For me, socks are like sex. Tonnes of it about, but I never seem to get any.

Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP is possibly the solution to Prince George's problem. All they need is his vote to keep George on the Civil List. Unfortunately, he's not going to live long enough to vote.

Prince George

Well, good on you, sir. And don't talk to me about infirmity. Why, sir, you are the hardy stock that is the core of Britain's greatness. You have the physique of a demigod. Purple of cheek, and plump of fetlock, the shapely ankle and the well-filled trouser that tells of a human body in perfect working order.

Edmund

He's dead, sir.

It's time to fill in Baldrick's application to become a Member of Parliament. Apart from not knowing his own first name, what problems could there possibly be?

Edmund

Now, then, criminal record...

Baldrick

Absolutely not.

Edmund

Come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put "fraud and sexual deviancy".

Mr. Pitt may be the Prime Minister but, honestly, he looks like he's barely out of nappies. That's "diapers" for our American cousins. But he's still better than Boris Johnson.

Prince George

Why, hello there, young sabre, m'lad! I say, here's fun. I've a shiny sixpence here for the clever fellow who can tell me which hand it's in. Oh, school, school! On half hols, is it? Yeah, I bet you can't wait to get back and get that bat in your hand, and give those balls a good walloping, eh? Hmm?

Edmund

Mr. Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.

Prince George

Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here?

Mr. Pitt

I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain.

Prince George

Eh?

Edmund

Um, excuse me, Prime Minister, but we do have some lovely jelly in the pantry. I don't know if you'd be interested at all?

Mr. Pitt

Don't patronise me, you lower middle class yobbo! What flavour is it?

Edmund

Blackcurrant.

Mr. Pitt

Eeuurrgghh!

Usually it's Baldrick who has a "cunning plan" but this time around, it's Edmund. And this one is so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Edmund

I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Dr. Samuel Johnson. He really did exist. And he really did write the first English dictionary. Which means that he must have had to beat the ladies off with a sh*tty stick, I'm guessing.

Prince George

That renowned brainbox, Dr. Samuel Johnson, has asked me to be patron of his new book. And I intend to accept.

Edmund

Would this be the long awaited dictionary, sir?

Prince George

Oh, who cares about the title as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it. I hear it's a masterpiece.

Edmund

No, sir, it is not. It's the most pointless book since "How To Learn French" was translated... into French.

Prince George

You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?

Edmund

Good Lord, sir, not at all. In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.

Prince George

But you do think he's a genius?

Edmund

No, sir, I do not. Unless, of course, the definition of "genius" in his ridiculous dictionary is "a fat dullard or wobblebottom; a pompous ass with sweaty dewflaps".

How do you wind up someone who's written the first ever dictionary? Why, by making up some words in casual conversation, of course. And Edmund does it brilliantly well.

Prince George

Enter!

Edmund

Dr. Johnson, Your Highness.

Prince George

Ah, Dr. Johnson! Damned cold day!

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Indeed it is, sir, but a very fine one. For I celebrated last night the encyclopaedic implementation of my premeditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon.

Prince George

Nope. Didn't catch any of that.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Well, I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous since, during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn, I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation of the vocabulary of our post-Norman tongue.

Prince George

I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds damned saucy, you lucky thing. I know some liberal-minded girls, but I've never penultimated any of them in a solar sojourn, or for that matter, been given any Norman tongue.

Edmund

I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years.

Prince George

Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Here it is, sir, the very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.

Edmund

Every single one, sir?

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Every single word, sir!

Edmund

Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

What?

Edmund

"Contrafibularities", sir. It is a common word down our way.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Damn!

Edmund

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anaspeptic, phrasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericombobulation.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

What? What? What?

Prince George

What are you on about, Blackadder? This is all beginning to sound a bit like dago talk to me.

Edmund

I'm sorry, sir. I merely wished to congratulate the Doctor on not having left out a single word. Shall I fetch the tea, Your Highness?

Prince George

Yes, yes. And... and get that damned fire up here, will you?

Edmund

Certainly, sir. I shall return interphrastically.

Not surprisingly, Edmund just can't stop having fun at Doctor Johnson's expense. Even when he's about to show him the door, he has to keep on making up words just to p*ss him off.

Edmund

Leaving already, Doctor? Not staying for your pendigestatery interludicule?

Dr. Samuel Johnson

No, sir! Show me out!

Edmund

Certainly, sir. Anything I can do to facilitate your velocitous extramuralisation.

If you've never experienced the booted bony thing on the end of someone's leg connecting sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers, you can consider yourself lucky.

Edmund

Now, Baldrick, where's the manuscript?

Baldrick

You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?

Edmund

Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.

Baldrick

You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?

Edmund

Yes, Baldrick, Dr. Johnson.

Baldrick

So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string, belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat, who just left, is.

Edmund

Yes, Baldrick, I am, and if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers.

Edmund has been trying to reproduce the entirety of Doctor Johnson's dictionary overnight because it was accidentally tossed into the fire. But he fell asleep. And he might well still be sleeping.

Baldrick

Mr. Blackadder, time to wake up.

Edmund

What time is it?

Baldrick

Monday morning.

Edmund

Monday morning?! Oh my God! I've overslept! Where's the quill? Where's the parchment?

Baldrick

I dunno. Maybe Dr. Johnson's got some with him.

Edmund

What?!

Baldrick

He's outside.

Edmund

OHHHHHHH!

Dr. Samuel Johnson

Are you ill, sir?

Edmund

No, you can't have it. I know I said Monday but I want Baldrick to read it, which, unfortunately will mean teaching him to read. Which will take about ten years, but time well spent, I think, because it's such a very good dictionary.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

I don't think so.

Edmund

Oh God! We've been burgled! What?

Dr. Samuel Johnson

I think it's an awful dictionary, full of feeble definitions and ridiculous verbiage. I've come to ask you to chuck the damned thing in the fire.

Edmund

Are you sure?

Dr. Samuel Johnson

I've never been more sure of anything in my life, sir.

Edmund

I love you, Dr. Johnson, and I want to have your babies. Oh, Excuse me, Dr. Johnson, but my Auntie Marjorie has just arrived. Baldrick, who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian? Oh God, it's a dream, isn't it? It's a bloody dream! Dr. Johnson doesn't want us to burn his dictionary at all.

Edmund has a plan. A plan which involves enlisting the help of Le Comte de Frou-Frou, a French nobleman in a staged rescue which will earn him some serious dough.

Edmund

Would you like to earn some money?

Le Comte de Frou-Frou

No, I wouldn't. I would like other people to earn it and then give it to me, just like in France in the good old days.

Edmund

Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days.

Le Comte de Frou-Frou

Oh, how I would love that! I hate this life! The food is filthy! This huge sausage is very suspicious. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a horse's wil -

Edmund

- Yes, yes, all right.

The best laid plans and all that. Edmund was doing fine until he mistook an evil revolutionary for someone else. And, sadly, the Ambassador has already been turned into Foie Gras.

Revolutionary

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Le Comte de Frou-Frou

Bonsoir.

Edmund

Ah, good evening, my man. Uh, do you speak English?

Revolutionary

Little.

Edmund

Good, well just take me to the Ambassador, then, will you?

Revolutionary

Pardon?

Edmund

I have rescued an aristocrat from the clutches of the evil revolutionaries. Please take me to the Ambassador.

Revolutionary

No, I won't. I am an evil revolutionary and have murdered the Ambassador and have turned him into pâté.

Typical Edmund. It's all come on top and now here he is, in a prison cell, begging for his life. Not that it'll do any good. This guy hates the English.

Edmund

Look, now mate, me old mate... We're both working class, we both hate these rich bastards. I mean, come on, come on, me old mucker, just... just let me go, you've got nothing against me.

Revolutionary

On the contrary. I hate you English with your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen are great lovers. I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of "petit pois".

Edmund has thought of a plan. He's also thought of a way to cure Baldrick's stress-induced insomnia. All he needs to do is to punch him really hard in the face.

Edmund

I've thought of a plan!

Baldrick

Hurray!

Edmund

Also, I've thought of a way to get you to sleep.

Baldrick

What?

[EDMUND punches BALDRICK in the face, knocking him out]

Babies. The other white meat. No. Not really. But it's not a bad analogy to describe why the poor in the Regency period had so many children. Probably. Cranberry sauce, anyone?

Edmund

The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie".

Prince George

Well, yes, quite, I mean something must be done. Any ideas?

Edmund

Yes, sir. Next week is your royal father's birthday celebrations. I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite, to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are.

Prince George

Well, tell me about these "oppressed masses". I mean, what are they so worked up about?

Edmund

They're worked up, sir, because they are so poor they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.

Poor Mrs. Miggins. What did she ever do to deserve being stabbed in the head with a toasting fork? Well, she insulted Edmund, of course.

Edmund

They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover... when I stick this toasting fork in your head.

Who knew that Baldrick's uncle once trod the boards? Oh, he wasn't an actor. No. He was actually shoved down the front of the principal's trousers. Apparently.

Baldrick

My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.

Edmund

Really?

Baldrick

Yeah, it was called Macbeth.

Edmund

And what did he play?

Baldrick

Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.

Edmund

So he was a stunt codpiece? Did he have a large part?

Actors can be such superstitious folk. I mean, they consider saying "Macbeth" aloud to be extremely bad luck. And some even have rituals to combat any resultant misfortune.

Mossop

Lest you continue in your quotation and mention the name of the Scottish play.

Keanrick

Oh, never fear, I shan't do that.

Edmund

By the Scottish play, I assume you mean Macbeth.

Both

Argh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends.

[They pull on each other's noses hard enough to hurt]

Ow!

Edmund

What was that?

Keanrick

We were exorcising evil spirits. Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play.

Edmund

What, Macbeth?

Both

Argh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends. Ow!

[They pull on each other's noses hard enough to hurt]

Ow!

Edmund

Good lord, you mean you have to do that every time I say "Macbeth"?

Both

Argh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends.

[They pull on each other's noses hard enough to hurt]

Ow!

Mossop

Will you please stop saying that! Always call it "the Scottish play".

Edmund

So you want me to say "the Scottish play"?

Both

YES!

Edmund

Rather than "Macbeth"?

Both

Argh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends.

[They pull on each other's noses hard enough to hurt]

Ow!

If Prince George is to become a great orator, he needs to adopt the posture of a great orator. And that's basically feet wide apart, hips thrust forward... a vulnerable stance for any man.

Keanrick

So yes, Your Highness. Why, your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness."

Edmund

Either that or, "Here are my genitals, please kick them."

Why does Edmund feel the need to be cruel towards Baldrick the whole time? I mean, sure... he smells like a dead rat boiled in vomit but he has feelings, too.

Edmund

Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.

Baldrick

Ah, thank you, Mr. B.

Edmund

But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply... "Sod off" and if I ever meet you again, it'll be twenty billion years too soon.

Baldrick

Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.

If it were the law that a debtor be bent over and have a large radish shoved up their ass, there'd be far fewer people in debt, in my honest opinion.

Prince George

Honestly, Blackadder I don't know why I'm bothering to get dressed. As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club I'll be de-bagged and radished for non-payment of debts.

Edmund

Radished, sir?

Prince George

They pull your britches down and push a large radish right up your -

Edmund

- Yes, all right, sir! There's no need to hammer it home.

The Elusive Shadow is a little like Dick Turpin in that he (or should I say she) takes from the rich. It's just... well, there's no giving to the poor involved.

Edmund

Good Lord, it's you!

The Elusive Shadow

Of course!

Edmund

But your voice... it's -

The Elusive Shadow

- Clever, isn't it?

Edmund

Does your father know you're out?

The Elusive Shadow

He had to go.

Edmund

You mean he's dead?

The Elusive Shadow

Yes. Dead as that squirrel.

Edmund

Which squirrel?

[THE ELUSIVE SHADOW pulls out a pistol and fires it into the tree canopy and we hear a squirrel squeak and fall to the ground]

Edmund has swapped places with his master, Prince George, for a meeting with the Duke of Wellington. Unfortunately, George just doesn't know his place.

The Duke of Wellington

Oh, hell and buck shot. Here's that tiresome servant of yours again.

[Forgetting his place in the ruse, PRINCE GEORGE sits next to EDMUND]

Prince George

Oh, budge up. Budge up.

The Duke of Wellington

HOW DARE YOU SIT, SIR IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR BETTERS? GET UP!

Prince George

Oh Cripes, yes, I forgot.

The Duke of Wellington

YOU SPEAK -

[The DUKE OF WELLINGTON punches PRINCE GEORGE in the face]

- WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO. UNLESS YOU'D RATHER BE FLAYED ACROSS A GUN CARRIAGE. WELL?

[The DUKE OF WELLINGTON punches PRINCE GEORGE in the face]

Edmund

Sir, sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier. We no longer treat servants that way in London society.

The Duke of Wellington

Why, I hardly touched the man!

Edmund

I think you hit him very hard.

The Duke of Wellington

Nonsense! That -

[The DUKE OF WELLINGTON punches PRINCE GEORGE in the face]

- would have been a hard hit. I just hit him like that.

[The DUKE OF WELLINGTON punches PRINCE GEORGE in the face]

Edmund

No, sir, a soft hit would be like this.

[EDMUND punches PRINCE GEORGE in the face]

Whereas you hit him like this.

[EDMUND punches PRINCE GEORGE in the face]

I've been to Scotland. And I've seen women fighting there. But never have I seen two women fighting bare-breasted and each carrying an eight-pound baby.

Mrs. Miggins

Yes, yes! Show me the glen where the kipper roams free. And forget Morag forever.

McAddder

No, never. We must do right by Morag. We must return to Scotland and you must fight her in the old Highland way... bare-breasted and each carrying an eight pound baby.

Mrs. Miggins

Oh, yes. Yes! I love babies.