17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Man Stroke Woman (2005)

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Men can struggle discussing intimate issues with female health professionals. Which is ridiculous when you think about it. Usually. But not in this case.

Chemist

Hello.

Man

Ah, erm, hello. Is there a... a man chemist I could see, please?

Chemist

Oh, no, he's not here today. But don't be embarrassed just ask me what you would have asked him.

Man

Really?

Chemist

Yeah, yeah, honestly.

Man

Oh, okay, er... excuse me, mate, do you know that fit chemist bird that works here? Are you her boyfriend? Is she seeing anyone? Have you got her number? Does she do it?

Chemist

Ahh, I see.

Man

Er, er... got anything for hay fever?

Chemist

Yeah.

Man

[Whispers]

Oh, god.

Role play in the bedroom can be fun. It can heighten things sexually. Or it can be a complete, unmitigated disaster. Behold...

Boyfriend

Ohhh. Hello, nurse.

Jenny

Hello, Mr. Johnson. I hear you're in need of some special treatment.

Boyfriend

Yes, yes, I am.

Jenny

Well, er, what seems to be the problem?

Boyfriend

Oh. Well, every time I see you nurse I get this... funny feeling in... in my balls.

Jenny

Mmm, well, I think I know what's wrong with you.

Boyfriend

You do?

Jenny

Mmm-hmm. You've got cancer.

Boyfriend

Is... is it naughty cancer?

Jenny

No, it's bowel cancer.

Boyfriend

Oh.

Jenny

Yeah, we have done some tests. It looks quite advanced. I wish I had some more positive news.

Boyfriend

Well, what if you... had a special cure for me?

Jenny

Oh, I am so sorry.

Boyfriend

May... maybe I've got another disease, like sexyitis.

Jenny

Mmm, no. You... you've got three to four months.

Boyfriend

Jenny, I... I don't think we should do role play anymore.

Don't you just hate it when other parents attempt to psychoanalyse your children based on just one aspect of their behaviour? Don't you hate that?

Woman

Sorry, I... I couldn't help but notice, but, erm, is your son the one on his own?

Parent

Yeah, yeah, he does find it a bit difficult making friends.

Woman

It's a shame, isn't it? Because he'll probably never really fit in, will he? You know, doomed to be a loner. Socially isolated. Emotionally dysfunctional. As he gets older, he'll become bitter, resentful. "Why won't the world listen?!", he'll think. Then, one day, it'll all become too much... he finally snaps.

[Imitates gun shots and then laughs]

Or, you know... he's gonna be fine.

Does this happen? Probably. I once knew a guy who mistook a bidet for a toilet so why not a sauna? Apart from the unbearable heat and... lack of a flush.

Man 1

Morning.

Man 2

Morning.

Man 1

Nothing like a good sauna to get you going in the morning, is there?

Man 2

Sauna?

Man 1

Yeah.

Man 2

That's not a toilet?

Man 1

No.

Man 2

Have a good sauna.

Natasha is a police officer. Karen is her ridiculous flat-mate. And Karen can't help but play stupid practical jokes on Natasha at work. It's a daily thing. An obsession you might say.

Natasha

Hello, police.

Karen

[Adopting a deep voice]

Hello, there's a burglary in progress on the White Leas Industrial Estate. Please hurry.

Natasha

Okay, sir. Er... can you tell me what they're taking?

Karen

Oh, gosh, just looking out the window now. Oh, look... it looks like they're stealing a lorry. It's a red lorry.

Natasha

Right, a red lorry. Right.

Karen

And, oh, oh, they're taking another one, it's a yellow one this time.

Natasha

Okay, a yellow lorry.

Karen

Blimey!

Natasha

What?

Karen

Blimey, they're taking another one. It's a red one.

Natasha

Okay, right. Can I... let me just make sure I've got this... this right.

Karen

You won't believe it, there's a yellow one behind.

Natasha

Sir, sir, up to now the vehicles taken are a red lorry, a yellow lorry, a red lor... oh, it's you, Karen! This is Karen, isn't it? Yes. Yes.

Karen

Oh. Come home, I'm bored.

Natasha

No, I can't, I'm at work, aren't I?

Karen

Yeah.

Natasha

Yeah.

Karen

Who's your best flatmate?

Natasha

Oh, it's got to be you, hasn't it?

Karen

Who's your best friend?

Natasha

Go away now, though.

Karen

Who's the prettiest person you've ever met?

Natasha

Leave me.

It's Karen again, prank calling Natasha at work. You ever wonder why it takes so long to be connected to the police in an emergency? Well it's actually low-staffing levels and budget cuts but...

Natasha

Hello, police.

Karen

[Adopting a deep voice]

Hello, there's a lady here, man, and she needs some help.

Natasha

Right, okay, could you find out the lady's name for me, please, sir?

Karen

No, I can't she's unconscious. But I've seen her around. She, uh... works on the beach I think.

Natasha

She works on the beach?

Karen

Yeah, er, she sells sea shells.

Natasha

Right, and that's on the beach, is it?

Karen

Well, to be honest with you, little lady, strictly it is on the seashore.

Natasha

Sorry, I didn't hear that, what did you say?

Karen

On the seashore.

Natasha

Okay. So this woman in question she sells seashells on the... Karen! Stop it!

Karen

[Laughs]

Come home and get drunk with me. I've opened a bottle of wine.

Natasha

Very clever, well done. But I'm at work and it's two o'clock in the afternoon so I'm just gonna see you later.

Karen

I think you should come back now...

Natasha

Oh, ok, then.

Karen

Because you can pull a sickie because someone could cover you and then you could come back and we can, like, get really drunk and then we can go out and we can pull. And things.

Natasha

Right, this is genius.

Karen

Yeah!

Natasha

Yes, I will. I'll just... I'll go and do that now.

Karen

Oh, really?

Natasha

Yeah, bye.

Karen

Bye. Ahh, so exciting.

Natasha

Hello, police.

Not all ladies like the taste of... chocolate. But when I say "chocolate", I don't mean chocolate. No. Not that either. I mean... the male... appendage. I give up. Just listen!

Woman

You know what I love?

Man

What?

Woman

The taste of c*ck. Mmm-hmm.

[She begins going down on him under the covers]

I love the way it looks, I love the colour.

Man

[Groans]

Woman

[Re-appearing and gagging]

Yeah, erm... it's chocolate, uh... that I like. It's not c*ck at all.

[Gags]

It's chocolate.

[Gags]

I don't really think I like the taste of c*ck.

Man

Oh, ok.

Woman

But chocolate...

Man

Stop talk... stop talking now.

Karen and Natasha again. The battle of wits and wills continues. Just what will Karen have thought up this time and why has she not been arrested for wasting police time yet?

Natasha

Hello, police.

Karen

Hello, I'd like to report an attempted crime, a crime actually.

Natasha

Okay. Would you be able to give me any details?

Karen

Sure, yah. Basically, I work at the race course and I found some old files in the office and I realised I've come across some very strong evidence that some of the races were being fixed. I got the name of two horses.

Natasha

Okay, madam, can you give me those names, please?

Karen

Yah, sure, absolutely. The first one was called One-One.

Natasha

One-One, right, okay.

Karen

And the second one, you wouldn't believe it, was called Two-Two.

Natasha

Two-Two.

Karen

Mmm. One-One was a race horse but also Two-Two was one too.

Natasha

Right, and when One-One won one race, Two-Two won one, too?

Karen

[Laughs]

Natasha

Hello, Karen.

Karen

Hello.

Natasha

Get a job.

Karen

I don't want a job.

Natasha

Oh, you're a grown woman, you spend your days doing funny phone calls.

Karen

[Mocking]

You're a grown woman, you spend your days doing funny phone calls.

Natasha

That's good. Er, I'll see you later.

Karen

I hope so.

Natasha

Yes.

Karen

Ooh. Oh, god.

Natasha

What?

Karen

Something happened.

Natasha

What?

Karen

Your mum rang.

Natasha

Did you get a message?

Karen

I can't remember.

Natasha

Why would you remember?

Karen

Nah.

Natasha

I'm going now.

Karen

No.

Natasha

[Hangs up]

Karen

Ah. Bye!

Natasha

Hello, police.

We're back to the adult role playing. And it's destined to fail just as the nurse scenario did. This one gets real dark, real quick.

Boyfriend

Ready when you are.

Girlfriend

Hello, Johnson.

Boyfriend

Hello...

Girlfriend

Headmistress.

Boyfriend

Hello, headmistress. I hope you've brought your cane.

Girlfriend

Mmm-hmm. Sit down, Johnson.

[BOYFRIEND sits in a chair]

Boyfriend

[Groans]

Girlfriend

So do you know why you're here?

Boyfriend

Because I've been naughty.

Girlfriend

Oh, you've been very naughty. I saw you in the swimming pool changing room.

Boyfriend

You did?

Girlfriend

Mmm. In your tight... wet... trunks. Wa*king off Toby Granger from 3C.

Boyfriend

What?

Girlfriend

Yeah. Toby's parents have called and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Mmm?

Boyfriend

Want this. Ow.

Girlfriend

Like with Andy Myers. You were seen touching him.

Boyfriend

I don't think there's anything wrong with experimentation.

Girlfriend

With a five-year-old?

Boyfriend

Yeah, yeah, that's just wrong.

Girlfriend

So, what do you have to say for yourself?

Boyfriend

I... I don't think we should do role play anymore.

Little Janey prefers playing with boys her age to playing with girls. Some girls are Tomboys. It doesn't necessarily mean what this woman suggests it means. Little Janey will, I'm sure, be fine.

Woman

Sorry, I couldn't help but notice your Janey seems to prefer playing with boys, doesn't she?

Father

Yeah, bit of a Tomboy, you know?

Woman

Yeah. Aww. Either that or ten years from now she's gonna be the town bike. Different boyfriend every night. Bit of a reputation. Then a few years later she can't pay the rent, the landlord comes round, "I can pay another way," she says. But that's it, she's crossed the line. Soon she's walking the streets, strung out on smack, jacking off old men for a tenner. "I need a fix. I'm hurting man, I need to shoot up. Eurgh. Eurgh."

[Laughs]

Or, you know, she's gonna be fine.

[Laughs]

Why does this couple insist on acting out scenarios in the bedroom when, without exception, it's always doomed to fail? She just can't get it right, can she?

Jenny

Hello, prisoner.

Boyfriend

Hello, Warden.

Jenny

I hope you're not gonna cause any trouble for me today.

Boyfriend

You know me.

Jenny

I do. I know you're a very naughty boy and I'm here to make sure you get punished.

Boyfriend

[Groans and snarls]

Jenny

Enjoying yourself, aren't you?

Boyfriend

This is the greatest meal I've ever eaten.

Jenny

It should be. It's gonna be your last.

Boyfriend

What?

Jenny

Yeah, the courts, they ruled against your appeal so you're going to the chair, my friend.

Boyfriend

Oh, the love chair, huh?

Jenny

No, the electric chair. Yee-ha! This paedo's gonna fry.

Boyfriend

Hey, don't say paedo. I'm not a paedo.

Jenny

I don't know, that's for God to decide now. First, I'm gonna tighten you up.

Boyfriend

[Groans]

Ooh, kinky.

Jenny

Take a sponge. Put that on your head.

Boyfriend

For the sweats, I suppose.

Jenny

And then I'm gonna rip your trousers off.

Boyfriend

Ooh, I like where this is going.

Jenny

Which is good because when they flick the switch you're probably gonna sh*t yourself pretty badly.

Boyfriend

Jen... Jenny. I don't think we should do role play anymore.

Karen is still at large and at liberty to make daily prank phone calls to her flat-mate, Natasha who just happens to be a police officer. Why is this still being allowed to happen?!

Natasha

Hello, police.

Karen

Oh, my children are missing -

Natasha

All right, calm down, madam,

Karen

- they're missing in the woods. I think they're missing in the woods. Can you send out a search party?

Natasha

All right, calm down, madam. If you could just give me all the details.

Karen

They went out into the woods and normally they mark the path with pebbles but there weren't any pebbles so they took breadcrumbs but the animals ate them and so they couldn't find their way back.

Natasha

Right, okay. And... and can you tell me when you last heard from them, please?

Karen

I don't know. They called me on a my mobile. They said they found a house and they were gonna go in.

Natasha

Okay. Was this house made of sweets?

Karen

Yeah.

Natasha

Right, this is the plot of Hansel and Gretel. This is Karen. Hello.

Karen

[Laughs]

Can you bring home some ice cream?

Natasha

Oh, Karen, I'm really trying to work. I've got six people holding with real emergencies.

Karen

I know, but Natasha, I really, really like ice cream.

Natasha

All right, I'll stop by the shop. And by the way, what was that accent?

Karen

Oh, it was just... it was everything.

Natasha

Yeah. I'm gonna go now.

Karen

Okay, and Natasha?

Natasha

What?

Karen

Guess what I'm doing.

Natasha

Don't know.

Karen

Touching my nose with my toe.

Natasha

Brilliant. Good for you.

Karen

Oh, you never would've got that.

Natasha

[Hangs up]

Bye... hello, police.

So, little Sarah's mother lets her play with her make-up. All little girls enjoy learning how to apply make-up. Though usually to their father's while they're asleep in my experience.

Woman

I couldn't help but notice but is, is your Sarah wearing make-up?

Mother

Yeah, sometimes I let her play with my lipstick. You know, it's quite harmless.

Woman

Yeah, she probably just wants to look pretty. Or in a few years it'll be like, "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy I need a nose job." Then it's breast implants for her sixteenth birthday. Then she decides she wants bigger ones so it's back under the knife. After that she cannot help herself. She's addicted. Eyelifts, liposuction, Botox, the lot. By the time she's thirty, she looks like a shop dummy that's been burnt in a fire. Children on the street are scared of her. Then one day she... she flies off on holiday and it's pop-pop, oh, sh*t, there go my giant freakish tits.

[Laughs]

Or, you know... she'll be fine.

Not all first dates go exactly to plan. But they're pretty much destined to fail if your chat-up lines are those you used in primary school. Jesus.

Man

I've just come out of a long term relationship so, erm... going out and, er, flirting and stuff is something I've not done in a... in a long time.

Woman

Oh, right. Well, if it's any consolation, I don't think it's changed all that much.

Man

Really?

Woman

Yeah.

Man

Right, right. Well, erm, I'll show you my willy if I can touch your nu-nu.

Oh, Karen. When will you learn? Pranking the police, even if it's just your flat-mate is wrong. They have enough to be getting on with without this bullsh*t.

Natasha

Hello, police.

Karen

[Adopting a squeaky voice]

Hello, I'd like to report an attempted murder.

Natasha

Okay, madam.

Karen

Sir, honestly!

[Sneezes]

Bless me. Sorry. Sorry. Right. I live with my six friends and recently we took on a lodger, a young woman. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we get back and she's tied up, been tied up with these colourful laces, and someone has tried to suffocate her.

Natasha

Okay, so...

Karen

Then last week, I haven't finished yet, last week we get back, she's lying on the floor, almost dead, with this comb in her hair and someone's tried to poison her. And then today there was this big red apple.

Natasha

Okay, I'm just gonna have to stop you there.

Karen

It's just it's the third time it's happened so I thought I should mention it.

Natasha

Right, you and your six friends, how... how tall are you?

Karen

We're quite short. We're... we work in the woods where...

Natasha

Dwarves. Yeah.

Karen

Yeah.

Natasha

Oh, this is Karen, isn't it?

Karen

Yeah, can you bring back some bog-roll. I need to do a poo.

Natasha

Oh, well, why don't you go and get it 'cos they sell it in the newsagents.

Karen

No, I'm still in my pyjamas.

Natasha

Well, it's five o'clock, why don't you get changed?

Karen

Nah.

Natasha

I'll bring some back. Are you gonna be all right?

Karen

[Strained]

Yeah.

Natasha

Oh. Don't strain.

Karen

You better hurry. You better come home.

Natasha

Ahh. Bye-bye.

Karen

Oh, don't go.

Natasha

[Sighs]

[Hangs up]

Karen

Bye.

[Sighs]

Natasha

Hello, police.

Teachers. They can be amazing, inspiring, motivational. They can also be deranged, psychotic and just generally unpleasant. Take this one, for example. Jesus!

Mother

Tim's been crying a lot recently. I think school's really, really getting to him at the moment.

Teacher

Really?

Mother

Yeah, did you know that he's been receiving hate mail?

Teacher

Oh, yeah, that was me.

Mother

Sorry, you sent them?

Teacher

Yes, yes I did. Er, I just think he's a bit of a c*ck.

Mother

He's really, really scared.

Teacher

Well, I'm not surprised, they were quite graphic, weren't they? What with all the violent pictures and everything.

Mother

Yeah, no, he's... he's six years old.

Teacher

Yes. Yeah, it doesn't matter, I still don't like him.

Mother

He's our son.

Teacher

Well, I feel for you. And whiny, isn't he?

Mother

He's six.

Teacher

Exactly. We can't let children be thick and annoying indefinitely, you know. There's got to be a time when we say get lost and don't come back, mummy's boy. Do you not think?

Father

Are you not gonna apologise then?

Teacher

No, no. 'Cos I really, really don't like him. Can you not teach him at home?

Mother

I work.

Teacher

So do I!

Mother

Yeah, yeah, as... as a teacher.

Teacher

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Just because little Charlotte loves Angel Cakes does NOT mean that she's going to end up morbidly obese, being winched out of a window because she's too big to get through a door.

Woman

Sorry, I couldn't help but notice but your Charlotte loves those little angel cakes they made, doesn't she?

Father

Oh, yeah, she's certainly got a healthy appetite.

Woman

Oh, yeah. Either that or she'll end up like one of those American women you see on channel five who are too fat to leave the house. Just lies there like a big fat blob, crying and watching Ricki Lake. Oh, oh, look, there's the husband back from Iceland with fifty tubs of ice cream. He is sobbing as he comes up the drive. He loves her, he knows he's killing her but what can he do? Then it's the inevitable heart attack. They have to winch her body out of the window to get her out. The coffin looks like a bungalow.

[Laughs]

Or... she'll be fine.