14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Outnumbered (2007)

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Something tells me that Karen might just have overheard her parents arguing.

Karen

Daddy?

Pete

Oh, hello.

Karen

Where's my other shoe?

Pete

Oh, I don't know. Where did you put it? Can you remember?

Karen

No. What's a hypocrite?

Pete

Well, uh... uh... hyp... if, for example, I said, "You mustn't eat all the cake," and then I ate all the cake myself, then I'd be a hypocrite.

Karen

What's a twat?

Jake's first day at "big school" and he's worried that everyone is going to be bigger than him. Apart from Tim Green, who is a dwarf. Literally.

Pete

Sorry about all the chaos, Jake. Are you excited?

Jake

Excited?

Pete

Well, first day of big school and you're with the big boys now.

Jake

No, I'm not. They'll all be bigger than me.

Pete

Course they won't.

Jake

Well, there's not going to be many smaller than me.

Pete

Tim Green's starting. He's smaller than you.

Jake

No, he's got dwarfism.

Pete

I know. He's still smaller than you.

Pete teaches children with special educational needs. Children like Melanie Watts who has confused Queen Elizabeth I with Queen Elizabeth II. Oops!

Pete

Oh, that is unbelievable. Un... believable. Melanie Watts has confused Queen Elizabeth I and Queen Elizabeth II. She must have typed the wrong queen number into Google. The Virgin Queen has got four children now. One of them's a helicopter pilot.

Having trouble getting your child to eat all of his / her dinner? Don't try the "there are children in Africa..." tactic. It won't work.

Pete

But there are children in Africa who... who are starving. They would love to eat all this stuff, wouldn't they?

Karen

[Sighs]

Why don't you just send it to them?

Karen has a tendency to ask questions for which there are simply no answers. So best not to try bullsh*tting her. You're bound to get caught out.

Angela

Karen... what have I got for you? Look! It's a dreamcatcher. Isn't it beautiful? It's made by the native Americans and it catches your dreams and keeps them safe forever.

Karen

I had a dream about weasels eating me last night and I don't want that one again.

Angela

Well, no... it wouldn't keep a... a dream like that. It only keeps the nice ones.

Karen

How does it know which ones are the good dreams and which ones are the bad dreams?

Angela

That's a very, very good question. It knows which are the good dreams because it can see you smiling in your sleep.

Karen

What if you're smiling but it's a bad dream?

Angela

Ummm...

With children like Ben, sometimes you need a distraction. A way to get him out from under your feet for a few minutes. And this is genius. All it costs is a stamp or two.

Sue

Gosh! That was fast. Do you know what? I just found another letter that I meant to post. Could you be really, really, really grown up and run back to the post box and post it for me?

Ben

Okay.

Sue

Running! All the way!

Ben

Can I watch Little Britain?

Sue

No!

Jake

You didn't actually put anything in that envelope.

Sue

I know!

Jehova's Witnesses. They're a pain in the ass. And Sue has a unique (if slightly impolite) method of dealing with them.

[The doorbell rings]

Sue

Ahh! Jane!

Pete

Don't get involved. Don't get involved!

[SUE opens the front door to find two Jehova's Witnesses stood on the doorstep]

Female

Hello, there. We'd like to ask you... do you think that man alone can solve all of the problems in this world?

Sue

Yes.

[She slams the front door in their faces]

Documentaries about childbirth. They should really only be shown after the watershed. Because no twelve-year-old should stumble upon this on the TV during the day.

[JAKE is flicking through the channels on the kitchen TV]

Jake

What's this?

Pete

It's a documentary about childbirth. You don't want to watch that.

Jake

Yes I do!

[A woman is heard screaming in agony]

No. You... you're right. I don't.

Judge John Deed. He's a maverick. He's shagging the expert witness, the defence barrister is his girlfriend and the prosecutor is his ex-wife. Christ!

Sue

You see Judge John Deed there?

Pete

Yeah.

Sue

He's presiding over a case where the prosecution barrister is his ex-wife and the defence barrister's his girlfriend. Is that allowed?

Pete

Yeah, he's a maverick.

Sue

And he's shagging the expert witness.

Pete

Right. No wonder he looks so pleased with himself.

Hmm. The argument between Ben and Karen has taken a dark twist. So Pete intervenes. Badly.

Karen

It's MINE! Give it NOW!

Ben

No.

Pete

Oi, you two.

Ben

She started it.

Pete

I haven't even asked who started it.

Karen

But he called me a rude word. He called me... "lezza", which I don't like. He called me a "lezza" which I really don't like. And a tosspiece. And I especially don't like "lezza".

Ben

For your information, "lezza" isn't a bad word.

Pete

It IS a bad word, Ben. It is very, very unkind and you don't even know what it means.

Ben

I DO! A "lezza" is a lady who likes -

Pete

HEY!

Karen is threatening to run away from home. She's six. So it's an empty threat. Probably safe to play along with, huh? Yeah. I mean... what's the worst that can happen?

Karen

I told you to stop nagging me and you wouldn't stop. You just ignored me and carried on nagging me. So you... I said this time and time again that I'm going to leave home and now I really am.

Sue

Excellent. Where are you going?

Karen

I'm going... to Spain in a beach or maybe Greenland -

Sue

Mmm-hmm.

Karen

Or... or Dorking.

Sue

Dorking? How will you be getting there?

Karen

Train.

Sue

Right. Have you got enough money?

Karen

Hippo's got the money.

Sue

Hippo's got the money. And, uh... got your tickets all sorted?

Karen

Pusscat has.

Sue

Excellent! Well, that seems to be all, uh... all in order, then. I hope you have a lovely time.

Telling your boss to poke her job up her arse is probably best done when your eldest child isn't within earshot.

Sue

Yeah, so what you're basically saying is that I can have my job back so long as I cringe and grovel? Well, yeah, I know I sometimes say things I don't mean so let me make this... clear. You can take your stupid job and place it up the aforementioned location with considerable vigour.

Jake

So stick it up her arse?

Sue

Yes, thank you, Jake.

Bullying is a destructive thing. It can destroy a child. And Pete is worried about Jake. Which is why he's recounting his own childhood and his stuttering namesake.

Pete

I remember at school that the bullying stopped when I showed them that I just wasn't frightened of them. And when that new boy started. A boy with a stutter. Peter the Repeater they called him. Well, Paracetamol Pete after the suicide attempt.

Pete and Sue are planning to take their kids out of school and go travelling the world for a year. But Karen has concerns. Mainly about where her education will come from.

Karen

If you're going to take me out of school, then who's going to teach me?

Pete

Well, I will.

Karen

But I need a teacher.

Pete

I am a teacher. That's what I do.

Karen

A proper one.