11 MP3 Audio clips from The Campaign (2012)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Dialling a wrong number is bad enough. But leaving a sexually-explicit message like this on a stranger's answering machine? A stranger firmly seated in the bible-belt? Yikes!

Cam

I thought I was calling Shana. I mis-dialled.

[Cut-away to a family dinner]

Father

And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table... this food, this family and this nation.

[Phone begins to ring]

Hey, Jared, let's let the machine take one for God.

[Answering machine beeps and we hear CAM'S voice]

Cam

Hey, Shana, it's Congressman Cam Brady here. I just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak. I wish I was eating Shana pu**y. Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my d*ck presses against my zipper... and it hurts like a motherfu*ker. What else? Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers. And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time... like lick each other's buttholes in a Denny's bathroom. All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.

Mother

Okay.

Father

Now, that was clearly a wrong number.

Mother

Right.

Father

He is not listening to Jesus... because if he was, oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing. Not like the one he has requested.

Clip 2

Marty and his father never really got on. Tripp was always Raymond's favourite. Not that you can tell from this brief dialogue. No. Not at all.

Marty

Well, I'll tell you this. I'll make you proud. I will. I'll make you... I'll make you real proud.

Raymond

I'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening. Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye. But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Clip 3

Mitch is Cam's long-suffering Campaign Manager. I say long-suffering because, periodically, he has to put up with bullsh*t like this from his boss. The poor bastard.

Cam

Check it out. It's a picture of my d*ck.

Mitch

Oh, come on.

Cam

I shaved my pubic hair to look like a 19th-century handlebar moustache.

Mitch

Man, put that away, will you?

Cam

I'm gonna tweet it to Shana.

Mitch

Cam, don't do that, please.

Cam

Too late. I CC'd you. Heh!

Mitch

I don't wanna see it.

Cam

You're welcome.

Clip 4

Marty, like everyone, has a past. A past he wouldn't necessarily be proud of or want the public to know about. Like, for example, his physical reaction to being tickled.

Mitch

That's Marty Huggins. Hey, you know, back in fourth-grade, they used to call him Tickle Sh*ts because all you had to do was tickle him and he'd sh*t his pants.

Clip 5

When Marty invites honesty from his family, he's not prepared for just how honest they're going to be. Or how seriously fu*ked-up his sons are. I mean... well, you have to hear this to believe it.

Marty

Um, boys, put down your utensils. I wanna talk to you about something real quick. I wanted to take this time to say that we're gonna be under a lot of media scrutiny. So if there's anything that you wanna talk about... any kind of secrets... or stories or fibs... now's the time to put it on the table, okay? And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom... we're not gonna be mad.

Dylan

[Sighs]

I said the Lord's name in vain at school.

Marty

Well, I said I wasn't gonna get angry, and I'm not angry.

Mitzi

Okay. Good.

Clay

I went to the petting zoo and I... I let the goat lick my penis.

Marty

Now, that I have a -

Mitzi

Now, honey. Now, you promised you wouldn't get mad, okay? They're just... they're being honest.

Marty

Okay. Maybe that's... hopefully, that's it.

Dylan

I had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street... and he let me touch his old lady's titty.

Marty

Oh, God.

Mitzi

Ugh. "Breast."

Clay

I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell and take photos up womens' skirts. I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed.

Dylan

One time I put a firefly in my butthole.

Marty

Why?

Dylan

To make my farts glow.

Marty

Oh, God.

Clay

I shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac so I'd look like a grown man.

Marty

Oh, God.

Mitzi

I touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price Is Right.

Marty

God. Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.

Clip 6

Some people are experts in trash-talk. Seasoned politicians, wrestlers, boxers... But not Marty. No, Sir. He has no clue what he's doing. He trash-talks like a first-grader.

Cam

Good to see you.

Marty

How you doing? Hate to break it to you, friend, but your balloon's getting ready to pop. And that balloon's full of your own butt toots.

Cam

[Whispering]

Are you trying to trash-talk me?

Marty

You might wanna decide whether you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave. Because your face is like a butt.

Cam

Oh, my God. You don't know how to trash-talk, do you?

Marty

I do know how to.

Cam

Let me give you some trash talk, okay?

Marty

Mm-hm.

Cam

You know what the difference between your mama and a washing machine is? When I dump a load in the machine... the machine doesn't follow me around for three weeks. Now you go.

Marty

You should take a bath in a toilet. I just wanna do the debate.

Cam

No. Now I go. You're such a little turd... that when you sit in sand, cats try to bury you.

Marty

You have a very vulgar mouth.

Clip 7

A visit to a rural Protestant church to engage with the congregation by joining them in handling venomous snakes might not have been the best idea, Cam. You'll get bitten.

Cam

Fu*king son of a fu*k! Oh, the fu*king c*nt-ass serpent bit me! Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my d*ckhole. That is painful. Staple my tits to my balls and then do sit-ups. It hurts.

Pastor

Sir, words like that have never been spoken in this room.

Cam

But the fu*ker bit me. I'm sorry, the snake bit me.

Pastor

Which means you don't have the faith of God.

Cam

Yeah... yes, I do. God has removed the venom from my blood and the blasphemy from my heart. It's a miracle!

Clip 8

Tim doesn't approve of Marty doing anything which doesn't contribute to the fight against Cam. That includes enjoying an evening of fun with his family.

Tim

What the fu*k is going on in here? You kids go upstairs, wash your filthy faces, and get to bed. HURRY UP!

Mitzi

Are you gonna let him talk to our children that way?

Marty

Let me handle this.

Tim

Mitzi, I know you're Marty's wife, but I swear to Christ... get out of this room before I lose my sh*t.

Mitzi

Marty!

Marty

Now, Mr. Wattley...

Tim

Marty, I need you kicking Cam's balls in on a daily basis. And I come here and find you playing Hee-Haw with the fu*k-around gang.

Marty

Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk.

Tim

Yeah, I'm a little lit. So what?

Clip 9

The battle has just intensified. Marty has released a campaign video in which he gets Cam Jr. to call him "Daddy." Now Cam is intent on fu*king Marty's wife. Yeah. It's like that.

Mitch

Take it easy. All right? Just take a deep breath. Now, we ought to think about how we gonna get back, okay? But we can't let emotion cloud our judgement, okay? We gotta think logically here. Now, what do you wanna do?

Cam

I'm gonna fu*k his wife.

Mitch

Great. No! No, you can't do that. No, no, no, no.

Cam

I'm gonna fu*k his wife, and I'm gonna go put it on television.

Mitch

No. Okay, you definitely can't do that. First part, maybe, but the second part, definitely not.

Cam

Oh, yeah?

Mitch

Yeah.

Cam

You get my son to call you "Daddy," I fu*k your wife.

Mitch

That's the deal?

Cam

That is the deal.

Clip 10

Having plied Mitzi with alcohol and wooed her, Mitzi gets uncharacteristically wild. Cam has scored. But her idea of a good time is a little freaky, even by Cam's standards.

Mitzi

Wooh! I want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind.

Cam

Hold on, hold on. Isn't the freezer too high?

Mitzi

I'll get a stool!

Clip 11

In a last-ditch effort to secure victory, Marty opts to release a self-funded, brutally honest campaign video in which he imparts the deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets of his life.

Marty

If you choose to vote for me, know this. I will never take another dime from any billionaire or corporation. And to get the ball rolling, I will tell you the darkest secrets... of my life. On October 23rd, 1996 at 2:11 p.m. I farted in a very crowded elevator and blamed it on a war veteran. I would like to apologise to that woman. Last year, I attended a Halloween party dressed up as Lady Gaga. I felt so alive and free, I did not take off the costume for two days. As a prank, when I was fifteen, my big brother told me you have to masturbate with your feet. And to this day, that's how I do it.