14 MP3 Audio clips from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

On his first day in Antoine's condo, Deuce is playing with his remote controls when an "adult" channel begins to play on a massive plasma screen in the living room. Which becomes a problem.

Porn Actress

Oh, yes! Oh!

[The doorbell chimes]

Porn Actor

I've been bad. I've been really bad. Oh! Uhhh! But it was worth it.

[DEUCE opens the front door to find a GIRL SCOUT on the doorstep]

Girl Scout

Hi. Would you like to buy some Girls of America cookies?

Porn Actor

Don't hit me with that.

Deuce

Could you come back later?

Porn Actor

Ohhhh!

[The GIRL SCOUT finally sees what is showing on the TV behind DEUCE]

Girl Scout

Eew! What are you watching? You're gross! You're a sick man, and I'm gonna tell!

Porn Actor

Hit me with it again!

Deuce

How much?

Clip 2

$8.50 for a Martini? Even with olives, that's kind of steep. But it's a small price to pay if he wants to keep his urethra intact.

Barman

Eight-fifty.

Deuce

Eight dollars?

Barman

And fifty cents.

Deuce

Well, how much just for a plain cranberry juice?

Barman

Oh, uh, three dollars.

Deuce

Yeah, I'll go for that.

Barman

There you go. That's, uh... eleven-fifty.

Deuce

Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives... and go for just the plain cranberry juice by itself for the three dollars. And I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Barman

Uh, perhaps you don't understand. Uh, If you don't pay me now, I'm going to, uh... I'm going to take this swizzle stick... and, uh, I'll be shovin' that right up your pee hole.

Deuce

So that was eleven-fifty, right?

Barman

Right.

Clip 3

TJ is Deuce's pimp. And he knows Antoine well. But it makes me wonder... just how does one go about picking up cigar ash with... one's anus?!

TJ

You know, Antoine's got a bad temper. I remember once I dropped a cigar ash on his rug. He made me pick it up... with my anus.

Clip 4

Fluisa is Deuce's latest client. And she's a whole lot of woman. I mean, she could snap Deuce like a twig. And that's intimidating for an inexperienced man-whore.

Fluisa

I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin' those are the biggest boobies you've ever seen.

Deuce

Can I please use your phone?

Fluisa

I'm not your average woman. I like sex, and I'm not afraid to adm...

[FLUISA stifles a series of wet coughs]

Excuse me. I just had pudding an hour ago.

Deuce

Dear God!

Fluisa

You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar?

Deuce

I'm sorry?

Fluisa

You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?

Clip 5

"Man-gina"? "He-pu**y"? These are terms that I've never heard before but then, I'm not a gigolo. And they're phrases I don't want to think too much about, either.

TJ

I must tell you, nobody has ever pleasured "Jabba the Slut." Deucey, you have a way of satisfying a woman that would sicken a normal man.

Deuce

I can't do this anymore.

TJ

You must have a magical "man-gina."

Deuce

Huh?

TJ

"Man-gina." It's a professional term we man-whores use to describe our... "he-pu**y."

Clip 6

Bob is Deuce's father. He's a toilet attendant. Which explains the fecal sounds in the background as he and Deuce discuss the latter's genealogy.

Bob

These women are looking for something more than just sex. They want romance.

Deuce

What do you mean?

Bob

Well, it was like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean. Still, I wasn't going to pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she was charging.

Deuce

What?

Bob

Well, your mom could've had any man she wanted in that strip club, and this being my first time in Bangkok, I was looking for a good time myself.

Deuce

You met Mom where?

Bob

Oh, it's not important. The thing is, she saw something in me... beyond the two-hundred baht... a man with an eye for adventure... who wasn't afraid to risk it all.

Deuce

Dad, are... are you saying that... uh...

Bob

So we took all her one-dollar bills off the stage, said goodbye to that donkey... and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married... long time.

Clip 7

Tina is from Norway and about eight feet tall. She also happens to be Deuce's latest client. But neither of them are prepared for the hurtful comments of passers-by as they walk down the street.

Deuce

I love this place. Where you from again?

Tina

Norway.

Passer By

FREAK!

Deuce

I hear great things about it.

Passer By

HOLY SH*T! IT'S BIGFOOT!

Deuce

So, how'd you end up here?

Tina

I had a pituitary gland procedure at UCLA Medical Center and I just fell in love with the people here.

Passer By

HEY! KEEP IT IN THE CIRCUS!

Deuce

You know, this place has gone way downhill. What do you say we go somewhere else?

Passer By

THAT'S A HUGE B**CH!

Clip 8

There's nothing wrong with Ruth. She's lovely, kind, caring... and a bit "sweary" thanks to her affliction with Tourette's Syndrome. Not that you'd really notice.

Ruth

Hello?

Deuce

Is this Ruth?

Ruth

Yeah. I'll be right down... GODDAMN IT!

[DEUCE is driving RUTH through downtown LA]

Deuce

Nice day, huh?

Ruth

Yeah. SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

[Surprised by RUTH'S sudden outburst, DEUCE nearly loses control of ANTOINE'S Porsche]

Deuce

Geez, you okay?

Ruth

I'm sorry. I have Tourette's Syndrome and it causes me to have these uncontrollable outbursts.

Deuce

It's not so bad.

Ruth

Yeah, it's okay. I mean, you get used to it. BALL SWEAT! ANUS! ANUS LICKER! You know, there are some places... I can't... GO! NIPPLE BITER!

Deuce

What are you talkin' about? I barely notice it.

Ruth

SCROTUM! SPERM! SPERM FACE! I just can't go near places like churches... HA HA! VULVA! Elementary schools... JIZZ! JIZZ TRAP! Pretty much anywhere. EHH... FART! DILDO! BIG... BIG, BIG TITTIES! SH*T! SH*T WHORE!

Deuce

Hey, uh let's put the top up. I'll put on the air conditioning.

Clip 9

Where to take a girl with Tourette's Syndrome? How about a ballgame where nobody will notice someone shouting random obscenities, no matter how weird those obscenities might be?!

Ruth

I'm nervous. There's a lot of people here.

Deuce

Don't worry...

Ruth

CRAP MUNCHER!

Deuce

I know! He was definitely safe! Hey, what do you think about the other team?

Ruth

A**HOLES!

Deuce

Right. And... and their pitcher... I mean, stop stalling and throw it already.

Ruth

BALL HAIR! BALL HAIR!

Deuce

Yeah, ball hair! What we need is a... strike hair. That other team is a bunch of high-priced babies!

Ruth

WHORES!

Deuce

They called him out?

Ruth

S... SCROTUM LICKER!

Deuce

Yeah!

Ruth

P*SS FACE!

[The crowd begin chanting "P*ss Face!" in response]

Clip 10

If you think that Kate is talking about "bum fun" then... what is WRONG with you? I mean, she's clearly talking about space exploration. What else could she be talking about? Sheesh!

Kate

I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just... don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.

Deuce

You're not curious? Just to... try something new?

Kate

I'm just not into it.

Deuce

So space exploration is definitely out for you.

Kate

Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.

Clip 11

A toilet attendant's work is never done. Even when he's meeting his son's girlfriend for the first time, when a toilet backs up and begins spewing excrement all over the bathroom... duty calls.

Victor

Hi. Bob, we have a... overflowing toilet in the ladies' bathroom. There is sh*t everywhere. It's a real mess. You think you could take care of that for me?

Bob

No worries, Vic. Right on it. I'd like you to meet my son's girlfriend, Kate.

Victor

Kate, nice to meet you.

Kate

You, too.

Victor

Hi, Deuce. So could you get in there, Bob? I mean, I gotta party of ten coming in, and I am up to my ankles in human crap. It's a real stinkfest back there.

Bob

Sure.

Clip 12

If you were tenderly kissing the length of a girl's leg and it suddenly came off in your hand, how would you react? I'm guessing it would be a little bit like Deuce's reaction, right?

Deuce

[Gasps as KATE'S prosthetic leg falls off in his hand]

Oh, my God. I'm... I'm sorry!

Kate

I tried to tell you.

Deuce

No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have pulled it so hard.

Kate

If you want to leave, I completely understand.

Deuce

I don't want to leave. I'm sorry I had that reaction. I just... I got a lot of things going on in my life recently, and they all started culminating when your leg fell off... uh, came off... I mean, disconnected...

Clip 13

Does Tina really have to tolerate this kind of abuse wherever she goes? Even in a courtroom when she's giving evidence in Deuce's defence? Poor girl.

Tina

Deuce and I never had sex. It was physically impossible.

Spectator

FREAK!

Tina

It's true I paid him money to be with him, and I'd do it again because... he made me feel good about myself.

Security Officer

BEHEMOTH!

[Coughs]

Tina

And no one ever touched my feet before.

Spectator

THAT'S A HUGE B**CH!

Clip 14

Deuce's final defence witness is Ruth who, it seems, is still struggling to control her tics. Tourette's Syndrome is no respecter of legal proceedings and courtroom etiquette.

Ruth

Deuce taught me to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you, Deuce. YA... A**HOLE!