10 MP3 Audio clips from Clerks III (2022)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Elias and his friend Blockchain are trying to sell their "Jesus Kites" in the Quick Stop. Randal is not overly happy with the idea.

Randal

Oh, sh*t, I think I get it now.

Dante

Get what? NFTs and crypto?

Randal

No, not that beanie baby bullsh*t. I'm talking about this pair of puds. Looks like Elias has got his own Silent Bob.

[ELIAS and BLOCKCHAIN commence a complicated handshake]

Oh, this is quite a hand-job.

Clip 2

Kites. Are they cool? Elias certainly thinks so. Especially since they bear the face of Jesus Christ. Randal? He's still not a fan and he doesn't think they'll sell.

Randal

What the fu*k are these?

Elias

Kites.

Randal

No sh*t. But what are they doing here?

Elias

I thought we could sell them.

Randal

Are you se... who the fu*k flies kites anymore?

Elias

Lots of people. Kids today love flying kites. Kites are cool.

Randal

What century is this, Ben Franklin? And what kind of kid in this day and age would be remotely interested in buying or flying a fu*king kite?

Elias

Did you see they have Jesus on them?

Randal

[Sarcastically]

Oh, well, all the kids love Jesus. Who in their right mind is going to buy one of your creepy Christ kites?

Elias

I would.

Randal

[Scoffs]

You did, like thirty times.

Clip 3

Randal is about to undergo a Coronary Angiogram which means a nurse has to shave his pubic hair to make the insertion of the catheter easier. Randal is NOT happy about this.

Randal

Can you avert your eyes, block your ears and sing something, please?

Dante

Oh, for God's sakes.

Nurse

What do you want me to sing?

Randal

Not you, him.

Nurse

Oh, right.

Randal

All right, here's the deal, nurse Jackie. I got a really small d*ck, okay?

Nurse

I... I... I promise you, it's nothing I've not seen before, because I... I work in paediatrics.

Randal

If I take off my underwear, everyone in the ER is gonna see my little d*ck, including my friend here, who thinks I got a giant c*ck 'cause I've been lying to him about it since we were twelve.

Clip 4

When Elias finds his prayers go unanswered, he decides to switch sides and offer his immortal soul to Satan in return for sparing Randal's life.

Elias

Save Randal this night, and I will swear my soul to you, oh, sweet Satan.

Dante

Satan? Oh, buddy, no. I mean, isn't he kind of like the... Optimus Prime of evil?

Elias

You don't have to condescend to me. You can just say Megatron.

Dante

I'm kind of a Transformers virgin.

Elias

[Sighs]

Well, I'm an actual virgin, so I know Satan's gonna want my soul.

Dante

For what?

Elias

Evil. And... butt sex, probably.

Clip 5

Doctor Ladenheim has just inflated the stent, dilating Randal's blocked artery and immediately easing his symptoms. To say that he's grateful is something of an understatement.

Randal

Oh! Holy sh*t, I can fu*king breathe again! Does this mean I'm gonna live now?

Doctor Ladenheim

Yes, because I'm an amazing doctor.

Randal

You're a better doctor than Doctor Strange and Doctor Zaius combined.

Doctor Ladenheim

Doctor who?

Randal

Oh, no, I don't watch that show, but I might start now because I'm fu*king alive!

Doctor Ladenheim

"Mazal tov!" as the Chinese say.

Randal

Thank you, doctor. Thank you for saving my life. You're like the Batman of heart surgery, huh?

Doctor Ladenheim

Yeah?

[As BATMAN]

With great power comes great responsibility.

Randal

What the fu*k was that?

Clip 6

Sex sells. That much is true. But can Jay really refer to himself as the "Clit Commander"? And what the fu*k does "Snootchie bootchies" mean, anyway?!

Jay

Sex sells, son. And I'm always buying, because I am the Clit Commander! Snootchie bootchies.

Clip 7

Is Veronica on board to make this movie? Not exactly, no. She's far from happy with the idea. Especially after Randal has dubbed her the "Queen of Oral."

Dante

Oh, come on, you would have killed to have been in a film in college. You majored in drama.

Veronica

I minored in drama. I majored in oral surgery.

Dante

All hail the Queen of Oral.

Veronica

Fu*k you!

Randal

- Surgery. You didn't let me finish.

Clip 8

Dante needs to raise capital for Randal's movie. And who better to turn to than his ex, Emma? Well, I can think of plenty of people better than her, to be honest. I mean... what a b**ch!

Emma

Jesus, he looks fat.

Dante

You're not on mute, Emma.

Emma

I know. So? Hello.

Dante

Hi, you! How's Florida?

Emma

Full of a**holes, but at least it's not Jersey. What do you want, Dante?

Dante

Okay, uh... this is gonna... come out of left field, but, um, I was hoping I could, um... borrow some money?

Emma

Fu*k no!

Dante

It's not for me. It's for Randal.

Emma

Oh! Then double fu*k no!

Dante

He had a heart attack, Emma.

Emma

Good. I hope he dropped dead.

Dante

He didn't. So he needs the money for, uh... for the hospital bills. Randal doesn't have any insurance.

Emma

So the fu*k what? Even if I wanted to help, which I don't, I'm not giving Randal Graves any free money.

Dante

Emma, please. You and I once promised that if we ever needed help, we'd always be there for each other, no matter what.

Emma

That was before you cheated on me at a fu*king donkey show. Goodbye, Dante.

Dante

No, no. Wait, wait...

[Sighs]

Clip 9

Emma now owns half the Quick Stop. And she's not about to let Randal forget it. A visit from her is about as welcome as a persistent STI.

Emma

Well, look who it is, Mr. Big Sh*t.

Dante

Well, look who it is, Mrs. Big Clit.

Emma

Classy. How am I not surprised?

Dante

I was surprised to see you at the cemetery. You flew up for Dante?

Emma

Well, I did almost marry the man, and if I had, P.S. he wouldn't have died of a heart attack before he was fifty.

Dante

Yeah, because after a year with you, he'd have killed himself.

Emma

I think I heard you had a heart attack. Am I right? That must really fu*k with you. Dante's dead, but you're still here. I guess it's true what they say, Randal. Only the good die young.

Dante

To what do I owe the pleasure of your entirely unwelcome visit?

Emma

I loaned Dante thirty grand and he put his half of the store up as collateral. Now he's gone, and if you can't pay me back, I own half this sh*thole.

Dante

[Sighs]

Emma

How big's my clit now, motherfu*ker?

Clip 10

Blockchain is finally rich. Which means he can spend lots of money on weed. And Jay is only to happy to provide the goods. Ten grand? You'd be higher than... right. Higher than Godzilla's a**hole!

Jay

Holy fu*k, that's a lot of money! You wanna to buy some weed?

Blockchain

Yes! I wanna buy all the weed! Here's ten grand.

Jay

Woo! That's gonna get you higher than Godzilla's a**hole.