16 MP3 Audio clips from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Kids can be cruel. And when it comes to Deuce and his new invention, they can be especially cruel.

Boy 1

Hey, check this out. What is that?

Deuce

Careful. That is four years of research. A technological breakthrough which might just save a life or two.

Boy 2

What's it for?

Deuce

It's a device to prevent the beaching of cetaceans. That's whales to you and me.

Boy 1

Cetaceans, huh? That's a pretty big word for a man-whore.

Clip 2

Seeing a sketch artist's impression of yourself on the evening news must be tough. But when the news anchor says that you're a virgin? Ouch!

News Anchor

Police have just released a sketch of a man wanted for questioning. Witnesses report he is goofy-looking and probably a virgin.

Clip 3

Americans think that Europeans don't like them. Not true. Although, since Brexit, I guess I'm not strictly European any more, I love Americans!

Deuce

This shirt's gonna be a great icebreaker.

Passer-by

Fu*k you, American, you imperialist bastard!

English Woman

I love America. I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq.

Passer-by

Shut up!

[The same PASSER-BY throws a brick at the woman, hitting her in the face and knocking her off the bridge]

English Woman

Oh, sh*t!

Clip 4

Prostitution is legal in Amsterdam. And what TJ wouldn't give for Heinz Hummer's... wang.

Deuce

I can't believe prostitution's legal here.

T.J.

Oh, yeah, it's big business. They got a union, dental plan. Man, if I had a he-b**ch like Heinz Hummer... put me back in the game.

Deuce

Is he that good?

T.J.

"Is he that good?!" They don't call him Lord of the Wangs for nothing. Man, what I wouldn't give...

Deuce

For Heinz's wang?

Clip 5

The thing about being high on hash brownies is that paintings can come to life and sexy Dutch farm girls depicted in them can come on to you. Apparently.

Painting Girl

Maybe you can help me.

Deuce

Really?

Painting Girl

I don't want a man who's chiseled and sculpted. I like soft and weak.

Deuce

You do?

Painting Girl

I want a man who's unemployed. And went to a community college.

Deuce

I am, and I did.

Painting Girl

You know what really turns me on?

Deuce

What?

Painting Girl

Is thinking about him in his tighty whities... sitting at his computer... and visiting different porn sites... and taking the free tour with no intention of ever joining.

Deuce

I don't have a credit card!

Painting Girl

Kiss my chest.

Deuce

Okay.

Painting Girl

Harder! Bite me!

Deuce

You sure?

Painting Girl

Harder! Bite me...

Clip 6

Gaspar Voorsboch is the detective leading the hunt for the Man-whore Killer. And he has a few questions for Deuce.

Gaspar Voorsboch

Your loyalty is impressive, sir. You've once been arrested for man-whoring, were you not?

Deuce

Look, I wasn't really man-whoring...

Gaspar Voorsboch

Please, Mr. Bigalow. I've heard this a thousand times. You were cold, you were frightened. He took you under his arm and fed you. He made you feel sexy. He told you how to hide money in every orifice. But your friend is obviously a killer.

Deuce

T.J.'s not a killer.

Gaspar Voorsboch

If he isn't a murderer... then what was he doing checking out a dead man's penis?

Deuce

I guess he was curious. He heard it was big and juicy... and wanted to see for himself. A lot of guys do that.

Gaspar Voorsboch

No. They don't.

Clip 7

Chicken and waffles? Together? Surely not. Not even in Amsterdam where, apparently, pretty much anything goes. But not this. Surely, not this.

Deuce

T.J., thank God you're here.

T.J.

How'd you find me?

Deuce

It's the only chicken and waffle place in Holland.

T.J.

So a black man's gotta be at a chicken and waffles place? That's racist.

Deuce

But you are here.

T.J.

Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.

Clip 8

I'm pretty sure there isn't a Royal Order of European Man-whores and I'm even more certain that if there were, they wouldn't hold an AGM.

Chair

Meeting of the Royal Order of European Man-whores... is now in session.

T.J.

These are the highest paid he-b**ches in Europe. That? That's Rodrigo. He's from Spain. He can tie shoelaces with his tongue.

Deuce

Eew!

T.J.

That? That's Enzo. He's Italian. His nutsack is insured for a million dollars.

Deuce

That's five-hundred grand each!

T.J.

Check it out. That's Assapopulus from Greece. He can actually kiss you with his butthole.

Deuce

I'd like to never see that.

Clip 9

A Turkish Snow Cone? A Belgian Steamer? A Portuguese Breakfast? I only know what ONE of these things is. And I've never partaken, thank you very much.

Chair

But what I know Heinz would like to be remembered for most... was being a male prostitute.

Gian-Carlo

He was also a supercilious c*nt!

Deuce

Who's that guy?

T.J.

Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-b**ch.

Gian-Carlo

Heinz Hummer was undercutting all of us.

Crowd

What?

Gian-Carlo

Yes. He was charging the same price for straight sex as he was for a Turkish Snow Cone.

Crowd

What?

Gian-Carlo

Oh, yes. He was also charging the same price for a Belgian Steamer as he was for a Portuguese Breakfast. As we sow, so shall we reap.

Chair

Thank you, Gian-Carlo, for those kind words.

Clip 10

Remember the catchphrase from the first movie? "That's a huge b**ch!"? Well, hang on to your hats because here it comes again.

Deuce

[Practicing his introduction]

Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.

[The front door opens]

Hi, I'm Deuce... biggest lady I've ever seen.

Passer-by

That's a huge b**ch!

Clip 11

Is this how French men chat up ladies? Because, if so, I fail to see how any French man can ever get laid. It's a miracle their society has survived.

Frenchman

You have a nice ass. I would like to take you from behind. My penis is uncircumcised. No head. It's like a torpedo.

Eva

You pig!

Clip 12

Deuce is a cheap man-whore. Not like Chadsworth, Rodrigo and friends. And they love putting him down.

Chadsworth Buckingham

Well, well, well. If it isn't Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.

Deuce

It's Bigalow.

Chadsworth Buckingham

What's your going rate, Douche?

Deuce

Well, I was getting ten dollars.

Rodrigo

Okay, gigolo. Do you even know when a woman is having an orgasm?

Deuce

Sure I know. It's when she says, "Please stop. It's okay. You tried. Now, get off me."

[The other gigolos laugh raucously]

Clip 13

The man-whores are scared. Scared that any of them could be the next victim of... the man-whore killer.

Chadsworth Buckingham

So, Enzo... got any she-johns lined up for tonight?

Enzo

Well, I did a Chili Rainbow last night so I'm exhausted.

Chadsworth Buckingham

What about you, Assapopulus?

Assapopulus

I've got the herpes so... what are you gonna do?

Chadsworth Buckingham

Liar! Mahmoud! What's your excuse?

Mahmoud

I just realized I'm gay. Any of you guys want a blowjob?

Man-whore

I do.

Mahmoud

Well... okay, then. I better go put that penis in my mouth.

Clip 14

I'm not sure that this can be true of Russian women. At least, not of all Russian women. I mean... some of them must trim. It's a statistical certainty, right?

Deuce

So how about this next one? Svetlana Revenko.

T.J.

The Russian women are a little freaky down below. Hair start in the front, don't end till it get to the back. So if you gotta give a little mouth-to-south... put a clothespin on your nose.

Clip 15

Svetlana Revenko has a male... appendage instead of a nose. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "blowing her nose" and when she sneezes... holy sh*t!

Svetlana Revenko

You're probably wondering why I'm wearing this veil.

Deuce

I wasn't, but if you wanna talk about it, cool.

Svetlana Revenko

I grew up in Chernobyl.

Deuce

Chernobyl. What a pretty name.

Svetlana Revenko

My mother... she work in nuclear reactor when she was pregnant with me. Instead of a nose, I was born with an appendage on my face. A male appendage.

Deuce

No sh*t?

Svetlana Revenko

I have always been a little self-conscious about it.

Deuce

Well, you shouldn't. I mean... a lot of women would love to have a guy's d*ck on their face. Yours is just permanent.

Clip 16

There's nothing worse than an attack of the farts when you're playing hide and seek, is there? What's that? There is? Oh. Well, what about when you're hiding for your life?

T.J.

Deucey.

Deuce

Shhhh.

T.J.

I gotta fart.

Deuce

You gotta what?

T.J.

I gotta fart.

Deuce

Well, hold it.

[T.J. can't hold it. He emits a long, squeaky fart]

Man-whores

I hear something. I think the building is squeaking. Maybe it's a bird.

[T.J.'s emission degenerates into a loud, wet fart]

Deuce

You idiot!