39 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Is this really how Homer reacts every time they announce the lottery numbers? Good God, how has Marge not killed him, already?!

Homer

Quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Announcer

Seventeen.

Homer

D'OH!

Announcer

Thirty-two.

Homer

D'OH!

Announcer

Five.

Homer

D'oh!

Announcer

Eight.

Homer

WOOHOO!

Announcer

Forty-seven.

Homer

D'OH!

The human body is a thing of beauty. But not in Homer's case. In Homer's case, it looks like someone shaved an orangutan and put pants on it.

Marge

Bart, where's your bathing suit?

Bart

I'm going to swim nekkid!

Marge

You're what?!

Bart

Ah, sure. There'll be a couple of uptight counsellors who won't dig the Bart philosophy. But I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.

[HOMER enters the room shirtless]

Homer

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?

When Homer wakes up to find his house engulfed in flames, he understandably panics. If only he could remember that song about how to survive a blaze...

Homer

AH! FIRE! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?

[Coughs]

Oh, the song. The song...

♪

When a fire starts to burn,
there's a lesson you must learn.
Something, something, then you'll see,
you'll avoid catastrophy.

♪

D'OH!

[Coughs]

After the fire, Homer is quick to claim on his insurance. But he's not fooling this assessor. No, sir. He's seen this kind of thing a hundred times before.

Insurance Assessor

Any valuables in the house?

Homer

Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars...

Insurance Assessor

Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made up stuff.

Homer

Well, that's just great.

I think the thing that Homer should be taking away from this conversation with God is that he only has six months to live. Six. Months. To. Live. Sheesh!

Homer

God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?

God

Homer, I can't tell you that.

Homer

Come on...

God

You'll find out when you die.

Homer

I can't wait that long.

God

You can't wait six months?

Homer

No. Tell me now.

Every parent thinks their child is beautiful. Homer thinks Lisa is. But it would appear that Bart doesn't agree. He doesn't believe his sister stacks up to the competition.

Homer

Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be?

Lisa

To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.

Homer

Uh, was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant?

Lisa

What are you talking about?

Homer

I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates.

Lisa

[Gasps]

How could you? I won't do it.

[Begins to cry]

Marge

Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks. This is the last thing she needs.

Homer

But I think she'll win.

Bart

Dad. Have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba hubba!

[BART begins to pant like a dog]

Uh-uh-uh-uh-awooooooooo!

Randall Peltzer bought his son, Billy a Mogwai. Homer bought his son, Bart a talking Krusty the Clown doll. Which was cursed. And that's got to be bad, right?

Homer

Do you sell toys?

Mr. Wing

We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yoghurt. Which I call "Frogurt."

Homer

Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Mr. Wing

Uh, perhaps this would please the gentleman?

[We pan along a shelf until we reach a talking Krusty the Clown doll which MR.WING takes down and hands to HOMER]

Take this object. But beware... it carries a terrible curse.

Homer

Ooh, that's bad.

Mr. Wing

But it comes with a free Frogurt.

Homer

That's good.

Mr. Wing

The Frogurt is also cursed.

Homer

That's bad.

Mr. Wing

But you get your choice of topping.

Homer

That's good.

Mr. Wing

The toppings contain Potassium Benzoate.

[There's a long pause during which it becomes clear that HOMER doesn't understand]

That's bad.

Ah, good old Abraham "Grampa" Simpson. Even his incontinence is amusing. Apparently.

Bart

Nice try Mr. Flanders but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.

Grampa

Too late!

Bart has broken Grampa's dentures. And that's a bad thing. Bart needs to be disciplined. But if Marge thinks that Homer will deal with the matter appropriately, she doesn't know her own husband.

Homer

Dad... you and your stories. Bart broke my teeth. The nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger.

Marge

Now this is exactly what Bart's teacher was talking about. Our son did something wrong and you looked the other way.

Homer

But Marge, look at that hang-dog expression. He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present.

Marge

Oh, please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy?

Homer

All right. All right. Young man... since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Grampa

Oh, this is going to be sweet!

Poor Marge. I mean, how boring does someone's life have to be for them to willingly engage with Jehova's Witnesses? I'd rather stab myself in both eyes with a blunt pencil, to be honest.

Marge

We need the money. And my life is pretty boring. Last week, some Jehova's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

Bart is the ultimate skiver. If there's a test, he'll feign stomach pain. And if he's already avoided a test by complaining about stomach pain and he gets given a test, he gets really creative.

Mrs. Crabapple

So, Bart. How are you feeling?

[BART runs up the wall and back-flips]

Bart

Can't complain.

Mrs. Crabapple

Well, then you're ready for your make-up test.

Bart

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! My ovaries!

Mr. Burns fancies Marge. Yes, it's true. The octogenarian owner of the power plant has the hots for her. The feelings are, however, definitely not reciprocated.

Mr. Burns

YOU'RE FIRED!

Marge

You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off you.

Mr. Burns

You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

[Growls animalistically]

If the simple act of babysitting Bart leaves you drooling in a rocking chair, devoid of your sensibilities, imagine being his parents. Yikes!

Homer

Hello. I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels?

Abigail

Sorry. This isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after how now.

Abby

[Rocking back and forth in a rocking chair and foaming slightly at the mouth]

No, Bart. Put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

It's another crank-call to Moe's Tavern. This time Moe is looking for Amanda Huginkiss. A man to hug and kiss. Get it? Good. Because Moe didn't.

[The phone rings at MOE'S TAVERN and MOE answers it]

Moe

Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. UH, AMANDA HUGINKISS. HEY, I'M LOOKIN' FOR AMANDA HUGINKISS. OH, WHY CAN'T I FIND AMANDA HUGINKISS?

[The PATRONS start to laugh]

Bart has a schoolboy crush on his new teenage neighbour, Laura Powers and he's initiating her into the art of making a crank call to Moe's Tavern.

Laura Powers

Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle. First name...

[BART whispers in LAURA'S ear]

Laura Powers

Ivana.

Moe

Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. IVANA TINKLE. IVANA TINKLE. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY PUT DOWN YOUR GLASSES. IVANA TINKLE!

[The PATRONS laugh]

Homer is once again wrangling with the insurance assessor. This time because he crashed his car on the way home from the bar. Er, I mean... the pornography store.

Insurance Assessor

Now, before I give you the cheque, one more question. Uh, this place, "Moe's" you left just before the accident, this is a business of some kind?

Homer (Inner Monologue)

Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night?

Homer

It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Can Homer possibly stoop any lower in advertising his services? I mean, to hijack a reading at church to sneak in his phone number? That's low, man!

Reverend Lovejoy

And now, to read from the epistles of Saint Paul, Homer Simpson.

Homer

[Clears his throat]

Dear Lord, in your infinite wisdom, you know the number to call when you need a plough is Klondike-5-3226.

Reverend Lovejoy

Homer, this is really low.

Homer

Not as low as my low, low prices.

[REVEREND LOVEJOY clicks his fingers and two heavies drag HOMER out of church]

That's Mr. Plow!

We've all been there. Encouraging our babies to talk. To say those first words. I mean, it has to be "Dada", right? And actually, there's a scientific reason why that's the case.

Marge

Maggie... can you say, "Baa baa?" Can you say, "Mama?"

Bart

Can you say, "Get bent?"

Marge

BART!

Bart

Mister Rogers says it all the time.

Marge

He does not!

As message tones go, this one is simple and über cute. It's Maggie sucking on her pacifier.

Maggie

[Sucks twice on her pacifier]

A flashback to a beautiful father-son moment. Homer steals Bart's nose. Bart steals Homer's wallet. And flushes it down the sh*tter.

Homer

Heh heh... got your nose.

Bart

Got your wallet.

[BART runs to the bathroom and flushes it down the toilet]

Homer

No! Bart. Don't you ever do that again. Understand?

[BART prods HOMER'S nose]

Bart

Beep!

Marge

Guess what, Homie. There's going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now.

Homer

We're going to start doing it in the morning?

Marge

No.

Homer

Oh.

Marge

We're going to have another baby.

It starts out beautiful. Abraham Simpsons gives his son the money for a house. Homer invites him to come live with them. And then Bart bursts the bubble by asking how long that arrangement lasted.

Grampa

All right, son. I'll sell this dump and write you a cheque.

Homer

Dad. First you gave me life. Now you've given me a home for my family. I'd be honoured if you came to live with us.

Grampa

Thank you.

[HOMER and ABE hug]

Bart

So, how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks home?

Homer

About three weeks.

[The whole family laugh at this]

When Homer begins to hear a horrible, irregular thumping noise whilst driving, he assumes it's his transmission. But no. It's actually his heart.

Homer

I keep hearing this horrible, irregular thumping noise.

Mechanic

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.

Homer

Phew! I was afraid it was my transmission.

[HOMER speeds away]

Homer doesn't like hearing complicated medical terminology. He likes to hear bad news in plain English. And I don't think Doctor Hibbert could have made it much plainer or simpler than he did.

Doctor Hibbert

Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Homer

Say it in English, Doc.

Doctor Hibbert

You're going to need open-heart surgery.

Homer

Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.

Doctor Hibbert

We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

Homer

Could you dumb it down a shade?

Remember The Flintstones with its iconic theme tune? Well, Homer has his own version. And it's very adaptive to his surroundings. VERY adaptive.

Homer

♪
Simpson, Homer Simpson,
he's the greatest guy in history.
From the town of Springfield,
he's about to hit a chestnut tree...
♪

[HOMER screams and we hear his car collide with a tree]

Marge isn't happy with Homer but Homer is horny. Sadly, when a woman's p*ssed off with you, you're wasting your time trying to get intimate. Homer should just cut his losses and go sleep on the couch.

Homer

Am I turning you on?

Marge

No.

Homer

What if I undo this button?

Marge

Goodnight, Homer.

Homer

[Putting on a deep, southern accent]

What if I talk like this?

[MARGE turns the bedside lamp off, throwing the room into total darkness]

What if I sing to you?

Blackjack. It's not rocket science. If you go over 21, you're bust. Right? Well, perhaps Homer should have read the rules before he bet the family's life savings on a single hand. The moron!

Tom

Your dad ever take you to baseball games?

Bart

Nah. His game is Blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand.

[Dissolve to flashback of a bearded HOMER sat at a card table]

Dealer

Nineteen.

Homer

Hit me.

Dealer

Twenty.

Homer

Hit me.

Dealer

Twenty-one.

Homer

Hit me.

Dealer

Twenty-two.

Homer

D'OH!

Who doesn't need Homer saying, "DOH!" for a ringtone or message tone? Perfect for your boss or your idiotic brother. You're welcome!

Homer

D'OH!

Lisa has unwittingly attracted the obsessive attentions of Ralph Wiggum. She needs a way to let the boy down gently. Marge has some suggestions. Unfortunately, so does Homer. Yikes!

Lisa

What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?

Marge

Well, Honey -

Homer

Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend, I think we should see other people, I no speak English...

Lisa

I get the idea.

Homer

... I'm married to the sea, I don't wanna to kill you but I will -

Marge

Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.

Lisa

Thanks, Mom.

Homer

And if that doesn't work, six simple words. "I'm not gay but I'll learn."

Tickets to Krusty's Anniversary Show are like rocking-horse sh*t. By which I mean very rare. The only reason Lisa is going is because Chief Wiggum caught Krusty in an adult theatre. Sordid much?!

Lisa

Chief Wiggum, how did you ever get these tickets?

Chief Wiggum

Krusty knows how to play ball.

[Dissolve to an adult movie theatre which is showing "Debbie Does Springfield"]

Chief

Oh. Nothing beats a good porno movie.

Krusty

Chief Wiggum! Is this a bust?

Chief Wiggum

Uh, yeah. That's just what it is. A bust.

[Cut back to present day, rear seat of a police cruiser]

Lisa

That story isn't suitable for children.

Chief Wiggum

Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

Lisa

Eeew!

DWI = Driving Whilst Intoxicated. DOA = Dead On Arrival. Two simple abbreviations which every cop should know the difference between. Especially Chief Wiggum. The putz.

[The phone at 742 Evergreen Terrace rings and MARGE answers it]

Marge

Hello?

Chief Wiggum

Uh, yeah, Mrs. Simpson I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.

Marge

Oh my God, he's dead?

Chief Wiggum

Oh, wait. I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.

[CHIEF WIGGUM hangs up and turns to see a woman entering the police station]

Mrs. Phillips

My name is Mrs. Phillips, you said my husband was DWI?

Chief Wiggum

Uhhhhh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch!

Why does Mr. Burns still not know who Homer Simpson is? I mean, he has dealings with him in almost every episode. Is it a touch of Alzheimer's or would he rather just forget?

Mr. Burns

Who is that firebrand, Smithers?

Waylon Smithers

That's Homer Simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, eh? New man?

Waylon Smithers

Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, uh... his wife painted you in the nude...

Mr. Burns

Yeah. Doesn't ring a bell.

When dealing with someone with the IQ of Homer Simpson, it's best not to venture into ambiguous language. He'll only assume that you're coming on to him.

Mr. Burns

We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

Homer (Inner Monologue)

Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Mr. Burns

And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Homer (Inner Monologue)

Wait a minute... is he coming on to me?

Mr. Burns

I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

Homer (Inner Monologue)

My God, he is coming on to me!

Mr. Burns

After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.

Homer (Inner Monologue)

[Screams]

Homer

Sorry, Mr. Burns but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered. Maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no.

Public service announcements are wasted on the likes of Homer J. Simpson. He'll only hear what he wants to hear. And that's usually connected with Duff.

TV Announcer

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.

Homer

Mmmmmmmmm. Beer!

To find out that your doctor is actually a veterinary surgeon must be horrifying. But for your ten-year-old son to pay for you to be spayed? Unthinkable!

Doctor Hibbert

[Gasps]

You're a veterinarian?

Veterinarian

That's right. And for an extra twenty dollars, I'll give Homer a tic bath and then spay him.

[BART hands the VETERINARIAN two ten dollar bills]

Bart

Here you go, Doc.

Marge

Bart!

Bart

Shop around. You can't beat that price.

Nobody likes an indecent proposal. Except Homer. I mean... one night with Marge and Artie Ziff could make them very, very rich.

Marge

Oh my God! It's my old boyfriend, Artie Ziff.

Artie Ziff

Hello, Marge. Have you heard? I'm stinking rich. Jealous?

Homer

I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.

Artie Ziff

I would.

Homer

Hmm.

Marge

Homer!

Principal Skinner has locked Bart and a few other trouble-makers in the school basement for the duration of a visit by Superintendent Chalmers. He's starting to consider extending their detention.

Principal Skinner

Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?

Groundskeeper Willie

No, but the PTA would tear you a new arse!

Marge has been caught stealing a bottle of Bourbon from the Kwik-E-Mart. She's quickly surrounded by Springfield's finest. By which I mean Chief Wiggum and his hapless team of ass-clowns.

Chief Wiggum

All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto-freshener that says, "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.

Lionel Hutz. Attorney at Law. And an absolute fu*kwit. How he's allowed to practice is beyond me. Because what he knows about the law, you could write on a postage stamp with a blunt crayon.

Lionel Hutz

Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge

Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz

Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge

You did?

Lionel Hutz

Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son."

Marge

Mmmmmmmm.

Sideshow Mel. He holds a grudge against Krusty. But so would I if someone froze my buttocks solid and smashed them to pieces with a hammer. It's something I'd struggle to let go of, to be honest.

Krusty

But you've gotta come back, Mel. We're a team.

Sideshow Mel

No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.