13 MP3 Audio clips from Hot Shots! (1991)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Lieutenant Commander James Block is on the hunt for Lieutenant Sean "Topper" Harley. And he finds him on an Indian reservation. Living in a wigwam.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

Topper Harley?

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Once, perhaps. Now I am called Tukachinchilla.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

What does it mean?

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Fluffy Bunny Feet.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

It's very nice.

Clip 2

It's easy to see where the confusion set in. Admiral Benson is almost deaf. Probably had part of his auditory system shot off over Cambodia. Or something.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

Admiral. Good to see you again, sir. It's been too long.

Admiral Benson

And so it has. Yes, yes.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

How are ya, sir?

Admiral Benson

Hawaii? Goddamn it, Bill, I should be in California.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

No, sir, this is California.

Admiral Benson

Well, gotta run. Good luck.

Clip 3

Topper has returned to his old stomping ground and meets a new face... Lieutenant Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson who's hanging family photos on his bunk.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

[Looking at the family photographs that PETE is hanging on the side of his bunk, whistles appreciatively ]

Cute!

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

I like to stay in shape. Thanks.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Are these all at home?

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

Yeah. The dogs, wife and kids. You got pictures of your family, I'd love to see 'em.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

I am my family photo.

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

But everybody needs a family to love.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

I could never find time for love. It's too heavy. It's an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

A loner?

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

No. I own it.

Clip 4

It's James Block. Not Phil but then Admiral Benson will call him by a different first name pretty much every time they speak.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

Every aerial photo and recon report indicate a defensive arsenal in the D, and perhaps -C, categories. There's also a nest of NI aircraft in nakajima squadrons. They can send up an ack-ack umbrella high enough to make any attack ineffective.

Admiral Benson

I don't have a clue what you're talkin' about, Phil. Not a fu*kin' clue.

Clip 5

What you need during a pre-sortie briefing is an inspirational commander. Someone with personal experience. Someone other than Admiral Benson would have been good.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

Attention on deck!

Admiral Benson

At ease, men. Be seated. Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants. Well, they started running short of material right before they got to the knees. So don't give me any sh*t. Now, I look out there at all of you wonderful guys and I say to myself: What I wouldn't give to be twenty years younger. And a woman. You know, I've persdonally flown over a hundred and ninety-four missions, and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.

Clip 6

When two big egos clash, especially over a woman, you can expect things to get decidedly childish.

Lt. Kent Gregory

Well, if it isn't God's gift to the cockpit.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Kent, your nostrils are flaring.

Lt. Kent Gregory

That flying stunt today was pure madness. If there wasn't a lady present, I'd tear you apart like a Christmas goose.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Yeah? Keep it up, you'll be carrying your face home in a doggy bag.

Ramada

What is this macho thing?

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

He started it.

Lt. Kent Gregory

Did not.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Did too.

Lt. Kent Gregory

Did not.

Ramada

You're behaving like children.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

He's bein' a jerk.

Lt. Kent Gregory

Am not.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Are too.

Lt. Kent Gregory

Am not.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Are too too too too -

Lt. Kent Gregory

Not not not not not not not not not not -

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Too too too. Are too... times ten.

Clip 7

Topper has walked Ramada home. She doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to return to the airbase. So things are about to get... interesting.

Ramada

Well, I guess this is good night.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

I don't wanna go back.

Ramada

You don't have to. I don't want to be alone. And, by the way, I can go all night like a lumberjack.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

What about your landlady?

Ramada

You can do her, too.

Clip 8

A "multioptipupiloptomy" is not a real thing. And even if it were, surgeons wouldn't use the rectum as an access point. Jim needs to change his health-care provider!

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

Wash Out! Get into your flight suit. We're ready to go up.

Lt. Jim "Wash Out" Pfaffenbach

I got kicked out. My flight status has been withdrawn. I'm through, Dead Meat.

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

What happened?

Lt. Jim "Wash Out" Pfaffenbach

It's my eyes. I've got walleye vision.

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

Can't something be done?

Lt. Jim "Wash Out" Pfaffenbach

A delicate corneal inversion procedure. A multioptipupiloptomy. But, to keep from damaging the eye sockets, they've gotta go in through the rectum. Ain't no man gonna take that route with me.

Clip 9

It's not just Jim Pfaffenbach that needs to switch healthcare providers. Pete Thompson should also consider it. Before it's too... late.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Doctor!

Doctor

What happened?

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Plane crash.

Doctor

We gotta work fast. I got a lunch.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

I think you're missing the big picture here, Doc.

Doctor

Nurse, check his penis isn't longer than mine.

[The NURSE opens PETE'S flies and looks at his penis]

Nurse

Uhhhh... no, Doctor.

Doctor

Good. Now this is gonna hurt.

[Inexplicably, the doctor bites PETE on the nose]

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

Ow!

Doctor

Nurse, give me 15cc of morphine, quickly!

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Do you think you can you save him?

[The NURSE injects the morphine into the DOCTOR'S bicep]

Doctor

Can't be sure. I'm not a very good doctor. That's good. Thank you, Nurse. You'll have to wait here.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

You gonna be all right, buddy?

Lt. Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson

I'm in a hospital! What could go wrong?

Clip 10

If you're choosing someone to perform your eulogy, you're probably best to pick the polar-opposite to Admiral Benson for the honour.

Admiral Benson

Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson... is dead. So is Mo Green, Tataglia, Barzini, the heads of all the five families. It is at moments like these, my dear friends that we must ask ourselves, "How can this not be part of some larger plan?" Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you're in bed with a knockout gal, or guy, and the next, you're a compost heap. Doesn't that bother any of you? Because it scares the living p*ss outta me!

Clip 11

Apparently, not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. And at this point, the analogy is completely lost on me. Perhaps it's because I've never slept with my sister.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

My uncle used to tell me that not playin' to win is like sleepin' with your sister. Sure, she's a great piece of tail with a blouseful of goodies, but it's... just illegal.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

Jesus, Topper. Come on.

Lt. Sean "Topper" Harley

Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who only play the banjo, eat apple sauce through a straw, pork farm animals.

Lt. Cmdr. James Block

Topper, that's enough.

Clip 12

Admiral Benson is standing on the observation deck of the SS Essess when his cap blows off in the wind and lands in the sea. And he's less than happy about the situation.

Admiral Benson

Holy cow! My cap blew off! Swing her round. We'll pick it up.

Officer

But, sir, we're on the mission.

Admiral Benson

Good thinking. Yeah, we'll pick it up on the way back. We gotta mark the spot, though. Put Rabinowitz in a life raft. Have him row in circles until we return.

Officer

It could be days.

Admiral Benson

Then put some food in the life raft. For God's sake man, do I have to think of everything? We'll tape his favourite shows. He won't miss anything.

Officer

Sir, there's no time.

Admiral Benson

Okay, okay! How can I be an Admiral without my cap? It's out there somewhere all alone and I'm powerless to do anything about it.

Clip 13

The thing about radar is that aircraft are green dots. The things about bogies is that they're green dots. So sneeze over a radar screen and things get really intense, really quickly!

Lt. Jim "Wash Out" Pfaffenbach

Sir, it appears we have unidentified radar contacts. Looks like enemy aircraft at 12 o'clock.

Admiral Benson

Really? That gives us about... twenty-five minutes. Think I'll step out for a burger.

Lt. Jim "Wash Out" Pfaffenbach

Sir, there are six of them! Bearing 2-1-5, range 150 mi...

[JIM sneezes violently over the radar display]

Oh my God, a dozen more of them. And a blimp! A big, shiny blimp! And it's slowly moving south!