10 MP3 Audio clips from Cocaine Bear (2023)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

If you're getting a tattoo, it's probably best to ensure the artist is able to spell or, at least, that he knows the gender of the person you want immortalised on your skin.

Daveed

Hey, Eddie.

Eddie

They spelled her name wrong, Daveed.

[Pulls his shirt aside to reveal a heart-shaped tattoo on his chest with the name JOHN across its centre]

It says, "John."

Daveed

It says, "John."

Eddie

Her name is fu*king Joan.

Daveed

Look, we... we could get it fixed.

Eddie

No. I've got to wait a week for it to heal first. I've got seven more days of "John."

Clip 2

Ranger Liz has quite a thing for Peter who's popping in to Chattahoochee to conduct a wildlife census. But it's her beaver she's more concerned about.

Peter

Un...believable.

[Laughs when he sees a taxidermised beaver on the counter]

You've got a dusty beaver here, Ranger.

Ranger Liz

Yeah, well I'm working on that.

Clip 3

Henry is carving his initials into the bark of a tree. But when he tells Dee Dee that he's "marking their territory", she assumes he's taking a sh*t.

Dee Dee

Hey, Henry! It looks like the deer on this sign are doing it.

Henry

Hold on.

Dee Dee

Seriously, what the hell are you even doing?

Henry

Marking our territory.

Dee Dee

Urgh, don't sh*t out here.

Henry

[To himself]

I'm not sh*tting!

Clip 4

Some of the cocaine that Daveed is looking for has been found. The rest... well, he needs a little help to find it. And that help comes in the unlikely form of Kid (Stache).

Daveed

Where... did you find this?

Kid (Stache)

Up on the mountain.

Daveed

Where's the rest of it?

Kid (Stache)

I don't know.

Daveed

Listen, I just took out the three of you in fifteen seconds. What do you think I'll do to just you when you're already on the floor?

Kid (Stache)

Okay, okay. We stashed it under a gazebo. Going back for it later tonight.

Daveed

A gazebo?

Kid (Stache)

It's a pavilion type structure.

Daveed

I know what the fu*k a gazebo is.

Eddie

I didn't.

Clip 5

Henry has been found hiding up a tree. He needs to explain why he's hiding up a tree. Which means describing the bear that chased him up there. And there's only one word which comes close...

Henry

HERE! HELLO?

Sari

HENRY?

Henry

UP HERE!

Peter

Oh, hey. Whoa!

Sari

Henry, what are you doing up there?

Peter

No. No, that's not safe at all. It's too high. You've got to come down.

Ranger Liz

Get down here.

Henry

Don't be mad but... we skipped school.

Sari

No sh*t, Henry.

Peter

It's high.

Henry

But there was a bear. A really terrible bear.

Ranger Liz

A bear?

Henry

Yeah, I know... it was fu*ked!

Ranger Liz

Hey! That's inappropriate.

Clip 6

This is crossed-wires. Ponytail thinks that Ranger Liz is talking about Daveed. So when he comes face-to-face with Cocaine Bear, it's quite a surprise. But not as much as being shot in the head!

Ponytail

Wait, wait... what, you're gonna shoot him?

Ranger Liz

Hell, yes I'm gonna shoot him. He took a bite out of my ass!

Ponytail

What the fu*k is wrong with this guy?

Ranger Liz

Now, open it when I say so... NOW!

Ponytail

[Throws open the cabin door to reveal COCAINE BEAR sat on the stoop looking comically goofy]

That's a fu*kin' bear!

[In her shock, RANGER LIZ shoots PONYTAIL, blowing a massive hole in his head]

Clip 7

The back of an ambulance should be a place of safety. And, usually, it is. Except when the doors are open and it's being chased by an angry, 175kg American Black Bear.

Tom

Jesus Christ... shoot it! Shoot it!

[RANGER LIZ fires at COCAINE BEAR, striking a tree with each shot instead]

NOT THE TREE... THE BIG FU*KING BEAR!

Ranger Liz

Shut up!

Clip 8

Here's a riddle for you. How can one bullet take out someone's index and ring finger, leaving their second digit intact? Hmm. It's like picking up a spare in bowling, I guess!

[DAVEED, despite being told to stay still by BOB, has made a grab for his gun and BOB has shot his hand]

Daveed

[Screams]

FU*K!

Bob

You brought that on yourself, kid.

Daveed

Oh yeah, I shot off my own fu*king fingers.

Bob

I told you not to move.

Kid (Stache)

How'd he take those two fingers off? They're not even next to each other!

Clip 9

If you're unsure whether a Black Bear is male of female, you should place your ear against its vagina. Apparently that's the way to tell for certain.

[COCAINE BEAR has laid down and fallen asleep on top of EDDIE. DAVEED needs to check whether the creature is still alive]

Daveed

St... still breathing.

Kid (Stache)

We should go. He'll probably be all right.

Eddie

What the hell, man?

Daveed

He's gonna wake up eventually.

Kid (Stache)

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

Eddie

She.

Kid (Stache)

What?

Eddie

The bear is a girl.

Kid (Stache)

Oh, and h... how do you know that?

Eddie

Because its vagina is on my ear.

Clip 10

Syd (the late, great Ray Liotta) has a way with words. It's funny. So long as you're not on the receiving end of his razor-sharp wit, that is.

Syd

When did you all get so soft? You've all got sand in your pu**ies!