7 MP3 Audio clips from Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights (2010)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Imagine if Michael Knight didn't have a talking car at all. Imagine if he was just mentally ill and the voice of KITT was in his head. Can you imagine that? Well, Frankie Boyle did...

Michael Knight

[Performs the theme tune from Knight Rider to himself]

Windows, KITT.

KITT

Certainly, Michael.

Michael Knight

Windows up, KITT. Time to ask the old business guy what this week's mission is.

[MICHAEL draws up alongside an old man on the roadside]

Old business guy, you got a mission for me?

Old Business Guy

Michael, your mother and I are very worried about you. Have you been taking your medication? And we'd really like our car back, Michael.

[MICHAEL speeds away]

KITT

I don't think it's a good idea to take your medication, Michael. I think the Taliban have put something in them that gives you Multiple Sclerosis.

Michael Knight

Thanks for the warning, KITT. Take her up for a hundred and ten.

KITT

Certainly, Michael. Don't you think you should sit in the driver's seat?

My sensors tell me there are two men round the corner smoking crack, Michael.

[MICHAEL gets out of the car and runs off]

Michael? My sensors tell me there are now three people smoking crack. Oh, Michael.

Michael Knight

Look! It's Evil Knight Rider.

KITT

No. That's just our reflection in the window, Michael.

Michael Knight

Okay. What was that, KITT?

KITT

I didn't say anything, Michael. I think my voice must sound similar to that woman you have tied up in the trunk. Have you managed to infiltrate the drugs gang, Michael?

Michael Knight

Infiltrate? I couldn't even get in to the fu*king restaurant. Is there anything here I could use to make shoes? Fu*king Evil Knight Rider, stealing all the shoe-making sh*t!

[MICHAEL has made it inside the restaurant]

Hi.

KITT

Michael?

Michael Knight

Excuse me. It's my car. What is it, KITT?

KITT

The calamari looks good, Michael.

Michael Knight

Thanks, KITT.

Gangster

You got the drugs?

Michael Knight

Yes I have. Right here. Six thousand little red pills. And any minute now, we should find out exactly what they are. You can try torturing me if you like. I've been trying myself for the last half hour and I haven't felt a thing.

[Starts to cry]

I think they must be working. Because I feel like I'm smiling.

[MICHAEL returns outside to find KITT gone]

KITT! You've been stolen!

KITT

Don't worry, Michael. I've just changed to that car over there. I'm being driven by an enemy agent disguised as a pregnant woman.

Michael Knight

Don't worry, KITT. I'll get her.

KITT

Send a message, Michael. One in each tit.

The late George Michael. Known for his music and also for an unfortunate incident where, allegedly high on drink and drugs, he crashed his Range Rover into a branch of Snappy Snaps.

V/O

George Michael's Highway Code. Mirror, signal... wa*k. Sleep. Crash. Wa*k.

The Green Mile. A powerful adaptation of Stephen King's epic novel. And now this. A re-imagining of just how John Coffey's magic might have worked in Frankie Boyle's twisted imagination.

John Coffey

You still got a sore penis, Boss?

Paul Edgecombe

What'cha talkin' about, John?

John Coffey

I mean your pee-pee. Is your bell-end still sore, Boss?

Paul Edgecombe

Yes, John. How did you know?

John Coffey

Come here, Boss.

[When PAUL approaches the bars of JOHN'S cell, the latter does something unspeakable to the former]

Paul Edgecombe

Ah! Ah! Aahh! What are you doin', John?

John Coffey

Shhh, Boss.

Paul Edgecombe

What did you do?

John Coffey

I fu*ked ya, Boss. I fu*ked the bad out of ya.

Imagine "Five Children and It" but the children are from Glasgow and instead of being filled with innocence and wonder, they're filled with hatred and violence. That's the Magic Wee Hing.

V/O

This Christmas, meet four children from Glasgow and join them in their discovery of a Magic Wee Hing.

Magic Wee Hing

Welcome, children.

Boy

What the fu*k is that?

Magic Wee Hing

Children, children. What do you ask of me? A Christmas wish?

Boy

You do wishes?

Magic Wee Hing

Young sir, I do. Name your heart's desire and with a sprinkle of moonbeams, I shall make your fondest dream come true.

Boy

Make our next-door neighbour have a black baby.

Boy

Well, I've got money on Celtic for the cup. Make Rangers fu*king blind! Just do it, you fu*king wee d*ck.

[The BOY begins to hitting MAGIC WEE HING in the leg, breaking it in the process]

Dead leg!

Magic Wee Hing

[Screams]

You shattered my hip! Oh, God. Please, no. I can make your toys come to life for an evening.

Boy

Shag this rabbit.

[MAGIC WEE HING, against his better judgement, is "procreating" with a dead rabbit]

Magic Wee Hing

Chil... children. Ah! My apologies, Mrs. Rabbit. Uh! No. Uh! Uh! Uh! Uggghhhhhh! Oh, the shame.

Lucy

There, there.

Magic Wee Hing

Thank you, Lucy. You're very kind.

Lucy

Just trying to make sure you're better. I bet my Christmas money you'll be able to fight off this dog.

[LUCY presents a snarling bull terrier on a lead]

Magic Wee Hing

Jesus Christ! Oh, sh*t!

[LUCY sets the dog on MAGIC WEE HING and it begins to viciously attack him]

Magic Wee Hing

Ahhhh! Get it off me. Oh! Ohhh! My face! My face!

V/O

This Christmas, experience the wonder of the Magic Wee Hing.

Mental illness. It's not a laughing matter. But not according to Frankie Boyle. This public information film goes South really rather quickly.

Man

I have mental health problems. There's a lot of stigma attached to mental health. A lot of people are unfairly stigmatised when their conditions allow them to lead perfectly normal lives. Who the fu*k am I talking to? YOU... FU*K!

The Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. Re-imagined. He doesn't want cookie. He wants pu**y. Yes, it's the Pu**y Monster. Ahem. Sorry. So, so sorry.

Tom Stade

Hey! Cookie Monster! I haven't seen you around in a while. What you been up to?

Pussy Monster

No, you mistaken, Tom. Me not the Cookie Monster. Me been getting me palate fixed. Me don't want cookie. Me want pu**y. Me the Pu**y Monster.

Tom Stade

Oh! That right? I thought you wanted cookies.

Pussy Monster

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Unless "cookie" is slang for black pu**y. In which case, me want cookie!

The Pu**y Monster. We've discussed this, right? Not big. Not clever. But very crude and, apparently, very keen to share his song with the world.

Pussy Monster

♪
One, two, three, four...
P-U-S-S-Y, come over here and show us your pie.
P-U-S-S-E, me want to shove my c*ck in thee.
P-U-S-S-Y, I want to give it a try.
P-U-S-S-O, me hear yes when you say no.
P-U-S-S-Y, me hurtin'.
P-U-S-S-Y, for beef curtain.
P-U-S-S-Y, my favourite object.
P-U-S-S-Y, your hairy goblet.
P-U-S-S-Y, you're delicious.
P-U-S-S-Y, it taste like fish does.
P-U-S-S-Y, you're in lu-uck.
Bad dog here knows how to fu-ck!
P-U-S-S-Y, I'm hurtin'.
P-U-S-S-Y, for beef curtain.
P-U-S-S-Y, my favourite object.
P-U-S-S-Y, your hairy goblet.
P-U-S-S-Y, you're delicious.
P-U-S-S-Y, taste like fish does.
P-U-S-S-Y, I want a pu**y,
P-U-S-S-Y, I love pu**y...