9 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Little Britain (2003)

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At Kelsey Grammar School (see what they did there?!), the boys are reading from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations under the guidance of Mr. Cleaves.

Narrator

For these boys, the first lesson of the day is on Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.

Boy

But now I was frightened again and ran home without stopping -

Mr. Cleaves

Palfrey, you take over. Top of page one hundred and sixteen.

Palfrey

My sister, Mrs. Joe Gargery had brought me up by hand. Knowing her to have a hard and heavy hand and in the -

Mr. Cleaves

Johnson, you take over.

Johnson

In the habit of laying it upon her husband as well as -

Mr. Cleaves

Clark!

Clark

I suppose -

Mr. Cleaves

Back to Johnson.

Johnson

Suppose that -

Mr. Cleaves

Pelham, you take over.

Pelham

That Joe Gargery and I were both brought up by hand -

Mr. Cleaves

Worms!

Worms

Not a good-looking -

Mr. Cleaves

Meacher.

Meacher

...woman -

Mr. Cleaves

Read on, boy.

Meacher

My sis -

Mr. Cleaves

Rolands.

Rolands

...ter and I had -

Mr. Cleaves

Honkytonk.

Honkytonk

I had a general impression that she must have been making Joe Garge -

Mr. Cleaves

Phillips. Nash. Papathasaniou. Go on, read. Yes, all of you.

[Together]

Joe was a fair man, with -

Mr. Cleaves

Melling, Ashworth, join them.

[Together]

...of his smooth face, and with eyes -

Mr. Cleaves

Scotch accents.

Boys

of such a very undecided blue that they -

Mr. Cleaves

In the style of the Elephant Man.

Boys

sheemed to have shomehow got mixshed with their -

Mr. Cleaves

Right, stop! We're not getting anywhere. I will read. Page one hundred and seventeen. Joe... wass... a... milled... mild... mild... Mild. Mild. Good... na-turr... Shall we just watch the video? Yeah. Yeah, better.

At the Uncle Albert Hall (see what they did there?!), a recital of Piano Sonata No. 11 by Alfred Brendel is taking place.

Narrator

Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall, a recital is taking place.

[A pianist sits at a Grand Piano, playing Piano Sonata No. 11 when he stops abruptly]

Pianist

Oh, I had a bag. Where's me bag? No, no, here it is.

[He resumes playing]

Kenny Craig is a stage hypnotist who has a habit of using his skills for evil rather than good. Here he is on a date, controlling what the young lady chooses from the menu.

Narrator

Meanwhile, in Trowby, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date.

Kenny Craig

I usually just have a starter and find that's enough.

Date

It's nice here. It's funny. I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you. I don't know what to have. It all looks so nice.

Kenny Craig

The, uh... the set menu is very reasonable.

Date

Oh, they do baked lobster. I've never had lobster before. I'll have that.

Kenny Craig

Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. The eyes. The eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. In a moment, the waiter will appear and when he does, you will order from the set menu. Three courses, £8.95. You will NOT order the lobster. Three, two, one, you're back in the room.

Date

Oh, there's lots of things I like on the set menu.

Marjorie Dawes runs Fat Fighters, a slimming class which she's woefully under-qualified to lead. And this is why. Cake. She just LOVES cake.

Marjorie Dawes

Cake. Yes. Cake. We all like a bit of cake, don't we? I know I do. I love... I do, I love a bit of cake. I do. I just like cake. I'm just one of those people, I come home, and all I want... I just love cake. I love cake. I just love a bit of cake. Cake! I love a bit of cake. Cake. Lovely.

Daffyd Thomas is the only gay in the village. That village is Llandewi Breffi. And he's not the only gay there. Not by a long chalk. But he likes to think that he is.

Daffyd Thomas

Hello, Mrs Llewellyn.

Mrs. Llewellyn

Oh, hello, Daffyd. And what can I do you for today?

Daffyd Thomas

I'll have a quarter of bonbons and a copy of Gay Times, please. It's my only outlet.

Mrs. Llewellyn

Is it not on the rack, love?

Daffyd Thomas

I couldn't see it.

Mrs. Llewellyn

Well, it must have gone, then.

Daffyd Thomas

I'm sorry?

Mrs. Llewellyn

I only get the one in for you so I'd imagine somebody must have bought it.

Daffyd Thomas

I don't think so. I think you'll find I am the only gay in this village.

Mrs. Llewellyn

Oh, I remember. Somebody definitely came and bought it yesterday. It's got Hazel Dean in it and a very informative article on rimming.

Daffyd Thomas

Who bought it?

Mrs. Llewellyn

Do you know, I can't remember.

Daffyd Thomas

Think.

Mrs. Llewellyn

Well, now, erm...

Daffyd Thomas

Come on, woman!

Mrs. Llewellyn

Let's think. Who came in yesterday? Dai Davis, the music master. He might have bought it.

Daffyd Thomas

He's not gay.

Mrs. Llewellyn

Oh, well he does share a cottage with the English master.

Daffyd Thomas

They're just friends.

Mrs. Llewellyn

No, come to think of it, he just bought Vogue.

Daffyd Thomas

See? He's not gay. Who else? Quickly!

Mrs. Llewellyn

Father Hughes.

Daffyd Thomas

A gay priest?! What planet are you on, woman?

Mrs. Llewellyn

I remember!

Daffyd Thomas

Go on...

Mrs. Llewellyn

I was quite surprised, actually, because I had absolutely no idea he liked c*ck.

Daffyd Thomas

Who? Who?

Mrs. Llewellyn

Well, I'd just popped next door to the tea room for a bun and when I came back -

Daffyd Thomas

For the love of God, woman, tell me!

Mrs. Llewellyn

Noel Jones.

Daffyd Thomas

Who?

Mrs. Llewellyn

The blacksmith.

Daffyd Thomas

Right!

[DAFFYD storms out to find the blacksmith]

Who doesn't want Anne on their phone? Perfect as a message tone for any lunatic you happen to know.

Anne

Eh, eh, ehhhh!

Daffyd Thomas has attended a Sexual Health Clinic for a test. I'm not sure what kind of test but I do know that he doesn't need one. Because he's the only gay in the village. Allegedly.

Nurse

So before we give you the test, we do have to ask you a few questions. Don't worry, it's all confidential, okay? So... age?

Daffyd Thomas

Twenty-five.

Nurse

Occupation?

Daffyd Thomas

Gay.

Nurse

No. What do you do?

Daffyd Thomas

Oh, I see. Um, I am an unemployed out gay man.

Nurse

And how many sexual partners would you say you've had in the past year?

Daffyd Thomas

None.

Nurse

How many would you say you've had in the past five years?

Daffyd Thomas

Past five years, you say... excluding myself?

Nurse

Yes.

Daffyd Thomas

None.

Nurse

Have you had any sexual partners?

Daffyd Thomas

Oh, no. No. I'm the only gay in the village, you see.

Nurse

What, from Llandewi? No, we've had loads of folk in from there.

Daffyd Thomas

I don't think so.

Nurse

Well, if you haven't had any sexual partners, then I don't think you need the test.

Daffyd Thomas

Oh, go on, please. I am a gay, you know.

Nurse

Okay. Give me your arm. Make a fist. Now, you may feel a pr**k, but there's a first time for everything.

Something tells me that this is the first and last time that Denver Mills will be invited to give an after dinner speech at the Annual Police Federation Dinner.

Chief Superintendent

A little bit of hush, ladies and gentlemen. That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow!

[Laughter]

Okay, it is time to introduce you to our special guest speaker of the evening. You may have seen him on "They Think It's All Over". Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist, Denver Mills!

[Applause]

Denver Mills

Evening, all! It's great to be here. You know, when I was a lad, I always dreamed of going into the force. But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer. First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys. The difference is I beat some of mine. I mean caught up with them, not beat them like you do!

Len Boothe has been giving a guided tour of the village of Pove for twenty years now. God only knows who'd want to go on it, at very least for a second time but hey... each to their own, I suppose.

Narrator

For twenty years now, Len Boothe has been taking visitors on his tour of the charming village of Pove.

Len Boothe

Okay, ladies and gents. Uh, first up, on your right, is Saint Robin's church. Er, the church was built in 1508 although there was actually a fire here in 1812 and the original wooden roof was destroyed. It's a funny thing, actually. I will always have fond memories of that church because it was on that bench there that me and my wife Eileen first kissed. And we've been married thirty-two year this year.

[Applause]

Thank you very much. Now, next up is the, uh... the Hanging Judge, which is actually the oldest pub in Pove. Dates back to, we think, 1604. Why it's called the Hanging Judge, no-one seems to know. Incidentally, uh... just in the beer garden by the swings is where Eileen first permitted me to have a little go on her breasts. Okay... we're coming up now to the Old Bridge, which actually goes back to Roman times and it was actually under this bridge that my wife first performed an act of oral love upon me. Happy days, yeah. Sorry, it's a... it's a no-smoking vehicle, love. Okay. Now we are coming up to one of the oldest blacksmiths in the country. Legend has it that Charles I stopped off there to get his horse's shoes changed. And it was just down that path there that I first took Eileen up the wrong 'un. Moving on...