24 MP3 Audio clips from Blackadder (1983)

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On the eve of the Battle of Bosworth Field, King Richard III is enjoying a banquet in his honour. He just wants to know who the cowardly, awkward man at the end of the table is.

King Richard III

Who is that?

Duke of York

I know not, My Lord. I'll ask my son. Harry! Who is that?

Harry

It is your other son, My Lord.

Duke of York

It is my other son, My Lord.

King Richard III

Fights he with us on the morrow?

Duke of York

What's his name?

Harry

Edmund.

Duke of York

EDNA! Fight you with us on the morrow?

Edmund

Oh, goodness, no. No, I thought I'd fight with the enemy.

King Richard III

You're, uh... not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

Duke of York

No, no, no. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.

King Richard III

Oh, arrow fodder.

Duke of York

Precisely.

King Richard III

Yes. What a little turd.

Percy is optimistic about the battle. Edmund, however, fears that his genitalia will end up stuck up a tree in Rutland. Thing is, given the era, this isn't an entirely irrational fear.

Percy

It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Edmund

Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Baldrick

With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.

Percy

Well, we could if we wanted to.

Edmund

Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man.

Percy

But you are a man, My Lord.

Edmund

But how shall it be proved, Percy?

Percy

Well, they could look up that tree in Rutland.

Edmund has returned home just ahead of Henry Tudor's men. He thinks his mother will be ravished by his soldiers. And she's appalled. She hasn't even bathed yet.

Edmund

Mother!

Gertrude of Flanders

Edmund, dear. How did it go?

Edmund

Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!

Gertrude of Flanders

Ah, but Edmund... I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything.

Edmund

Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here, they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle.

Gertrude of Flanders

Oh, well. I shan't bother to change, then.

Richard Duke of York has returned to his ancestral castle triumphant. And now his wife is fully expecting to be ravished. By him, this time.

Gertrude of Flanders

Richard, it's you!

Duke of York

Well, who did you expect it to be, woman?

Gertrude of Flanders

I thought it would be Henry Tulip.

Duke of York

Henry Tulip? Have you lost your conkers?

Gertrude of Flanders

So you won?

Duke of York

Yes, of course. We won! We won! Victory!

Gertrude of Flanders

So I suppose now you want to ravish me.

Duke of York

Yes, yes, in a moment. The woman's insatiable.

I don't know what sort of a day you're having, but Edmund has found the headless ghost of King Richard III in his bed chamber and he's having a conversation with the apparition.

Edmund

How was your battle?

Ghost of Richard III

Fine. Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise everything went swimmingly. How are you, Edna?

Edmund

Edmund.

Ghost of Richard III

Oh, your father told me, "Edna."

Edmund

No...

Ghost of Richard III

So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you?

Edmund

Uh, oh... how very, very kind of you to ask, um... Your Majesty. I'm very well. And, uh... and it's very good to see you, because, frankly...

Ghost of Richard III

Yes?

Edmund

Well, well, well... frankly, er... gosh, you look well.

Ghost of Richard III

Frankly, what? Spit it out, you horrid, little, scabby reptile.

Edmund

Um... well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.

Ghost of Richard III

Well, frankly, I am.

The Queen is the soul of discretion. She would never divulge that her son, Harry is scared of spoons or that her husband, Richard Duke of York, has a tiny penis.

Edmund

Mother, er... you won't tell anyone about my oversleeping this morning and... and what have you, now will you?

Gertrude of Flanders

Now, would I, Edmund? Do I tell people that your brother, Harry is scared of spoons? Or that your father has very small private parts?

As the good Lord said, "Love thy neighbour as thy self. Unless he's Turkish. In which case, kill the bastard." Did he, though? I don't remember reading that before.

King Richard IV

As the good Lord said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself... unless he's Turkish. In which case, kill the bastard!"

Prince Edmund is adamant that he is not a eunuch. His voice just gets rather high and girly when he's nervous.

Edmund

I am not a eunuch.

Lord Dougal McAngus

Well, you sound like one to me.

Edmund

I am not a eunuch. I am the Duke of Edinburgh.

Lord Dougal McAngus

Oh, you are, are you?

Edmund

Yes!

Lord Dougal McAngus

Same old story, eh? Duke of Edinburgh, and about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits! Sorry. Nay offence, Your Majesty.

This is the first time we hear Baldrick informing his master that he has a "cunning plan". But just how cunning is it?

Baldrick

I have a cunning plan.

Edmund

Yes, perhaps but I think I may have a more cunning one.

Baldrick

Mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.

Edmund

Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.

Baldrick

Well, it depends on how cunning you mean, My Lord.

Edmund

Pretty damn cunning! How cunning do you think I mean?

Baldrick

Mine's quite cunning, My Lord.

Edmund

All right then, let's hear it. Let's hear what's so damn cunning!

Baldrick

Right, well first of all, you get him to come with you.

Edmund

Oh, yes. Very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me, then stab him, perhaps? How cunning can you get?

Baldrick

No, My Lord. You get this enormous great cannon...

Edmund

Oh, I see! Take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.

Baldrick

Yes!

Edmund

Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's... a wonderful idea... No, I think I have a plan that will give us a little more... entertainment.

[Laughs]

Edmund is trying to prove that his brother, Harry, was illegitimate and therefore a bastard unworthy of the throne. Sadly, this backfires pretty spectacularly to say the least.

Edmund

My beloved father, certain letters have come to light which might change things a bit around here.

King Richard IV

Letters? What letters?

Edmund

They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the Gay Dog of the Glens. "How I long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets, where you and your ruler are the only ruler, and then acts of love consummated, oh, you enormous Scotsman." Etc, etc. These letters are dated November and December 1460, which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine months...

Harry

...after I was born!

Lord Dougal McAngus

But about nine months before your birth, Edmund.

Edmund

You! Yo-o-ou bastard!

Harry

No, I think you're the bastard, Edmund.

When a rich landowner is at death's door, the church and the monarchy are both eager to become last-minute beneficiaries of his will. But which way will he decide to go?

Duke of Winchester

Am I dying?

Archbishop of Canterbury

Never!

King Richard IV

Never!

Archbishop of Canterbury

Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours till your recovery -

Duke of Winchester

Urgh-h!

Archbishop of Canterbury

- let... let us imagine yourself were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands?

King Richard IV

[Laughs]

To me, of course!

Duke of Winchester

Ye-es. To my beloved king.

Archbishop of Canterbury

May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son.

Duke of Winchester

Hell?

Archbishop of Canterbury

Yes, Hell... where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind both night and day. And where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pr**king of little forks.

Duke of Winchester

No! Spare me the little forks!

King Richard IV

What is this nonsense?

Archbishop of Canterbury

Hell... where the softest bits of your nether regions are everybody elses favourite lunch.

Duke of Winchester

Urgh-h!

Jane Smart. The medieval equivalent of a Social Media Influencer. Full of sh*t. She also happens to be Baldrick's informant. Oh dear!

Edmund

Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?

Baldrick

Yeah, it was Jane Smart... you know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.

When you think of the Sodomites, what springs instantly to mind? You're thinking about bumming, aren't you? Well, you're not alone. Baldrick jumps to the same immediate conclusion.

Edmund

Tell me, Baldrick... exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?

Baldrick

I dunno, My Lord. I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.

Edmund had his bottom smacked by his mother for peeing in the font. No, not as a child. This happened last Thursday.

The Queen

Edmund doesn't even like religion.

King Richard IV

That's impossible. He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!

The Queen

Yes, and the Archbishop is also a naughty boy whose bottom I smacked for relieving himself in the font.

King Richard IV

That was a long time ago.

The Queen

It was last Thursday.

King Richard IV

[Laughs]

Percy is such a buffoon. He holds in his hand what he genuinely believes is the finger of Christ. Until Baldrick points out that he buys such fake relics in boxes of ten.

Percy

Look! I have here a true relic.

Edmund

What is it?

Percy

It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. It cost me thirty-one pieces of silver.

Edmund

Good Lord! Is it real?

Percy

It is, My Lord. Baldrick, you stand amazed.

Baldrick

I am. I thought they only came in boxes of ten. I could've given you one of mine.

Edmund has been caught wrestling with two knights in a nunnery. No, not in a sexual way. But he's still receiving a dressing down from the Mother Superior.

Mother Superior

Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments.

Edmund

Ah, the fine embroidery!

Mother Superior

Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.

Edmund

I could not resist the texture of the hessian underthings!

Mother Superior

Oh, I can understand that.

Apparently, the eyes of the Spanish Infanta are even bluer than the Stone of Galveston. Not that Percy has ever seen either and neither have the people who made that claim.

Percy

My Lord.

Edmund

Yes, what is it?

Percy

You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.

Edmund

Mmm! The what?

Percy

The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.

Edmund

And... what's that exactly?

Percy

Well, it's a famous blue stone and it comes... from Galveston.

Edmund

I see. And what about it?

Percy

Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.

Edmund

I see. And have you ever seen this stone?

Percy

No. Not... not as such, My Lord but I know a couple of people who have and they say it's very, very blue indeed.

Edmund

And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?

Percy

Gosh, no! I shouldn't think so, My Lord.

Edmund

And neither have you, presumably.

Percy

No, My Lord.

Edmund

Then what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

Percy

Yes, My Lord.

Baldrick has a cunning plan to prevent the marriage of Edmund to the Spanish Infanta. It just necessitates Edmund camping it up a bit to give the impression that he prefers the company of men.

Baldrick

I also have a plan.

Edmund

Yes?

Baldrick

Why not make her think you prefer the company of men.

Edmund

Well, I do, Baldrick. I do!

Baldrick

No, no, My Lord, I mean the... the, er, intimate company of men?

Edmund

You don't mean... like the Earl of Doncaster?

Baldrick

I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.

Edmund

That great radish?! That steaming great left-footer?! The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.

Baldrick

Mmmm. And who would marry the Earl of Doncaster?

Edmund

Well, no-one would... brilliant! Of course. No-one would marry the Earl of Doncaster. Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort.

Princess Leia of Hungary is young, beautiful and betrothed to Edmund. Unfortunately for him, she's only seven years-old. He should have stuck with the Spanish Infanta.

King Richard IV

Ahh. Good. Good. Edmund, meet your new wife.

Princess Leia of Hungary

Hello, Edmund.

Edmund

Hello.

Princess Leia of Hungary

Are we getting married now?

Edmund

Yes, yes, I believe we are.

Princess Leia of Hungary

Come on, then.

Patrick Allen introduces us to Episode 5 and we learn something surprising about the Black Plague. It was transmitted by seamen in the South West passage. Is it me or does that sound a little... yeah.

Narrator

By the autumn of the year of Our Lord 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies. Carried by seamen and entering England from the South-West Passage, each day thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake. And not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.

What happens when the local collector of Black Plague corpses also dies? I mean... that's tragic. But in the middle of calling, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!"? That's p*ss your pants funny!

Corpse Collector

BRING OUT YOUR DE-EEEE-EEAD!

[He collapses forwards, falling on top of his hand bell and dying instantly]

I LOVE this clip. It encapsulates all that is great about this show and its writing. When Baldrick tells Edmund that he has a plan, Edmund's response is censored with a well-timed cough.

Baldrick

My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Edmund

Oh, [COUGH] off, Baldrick!

It's understandable that the Queen would know the length of the King's rod. But a thousand Turkish whores? I mean, he must have been a walking STI. He should have been known as King Syphilis IV.

King Richard IV

St. Juniper once said, "By his loins shall ye know him, and by the length of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod is a mystery to all but the Queen and a thousand Turkish whores!

Ahhh... the good old Highwayman. Well spoken, charming, vaguely threatening. And stupid. He should make the terms of his robberies clearer. It's not "Your money or your life." is it?

Guy de Glastonbury

Good evening... and surrender. Your money or your life.

Nobleman

Here. Take it. It's all the money I have.

Guy de Glastonbury

Thank you.

Nobleman

Now, let me pass.

Guy de Glastonbury

Damn! I'm always doing this. Did I say, "Your money or your life"?

Nobleman

You did.

Guy de Glastonbury

Sorry. Slip of the tongue. Your money and your life.

[GUY DE GLASTONBURY shoots the NOBLEMAN dead with a crossbow]