9 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Hale & Pace (1986)

PLAY ALL 58 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Ron and Ron. The two Rons. Not to be confused with "The Two Ronnies", these are two hard-as-nails doormen who have their fingers in the management pie. (Not a euphemism.)

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

Good evening. As you may or may not know, we are -

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

"Da Management." [Laughs]

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

We manage things. And tonight, we're managing a brand new show for two very funny geezers by the names of -

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

Hale and Hale.

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

Hand and Pace.

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

Well, that's only one funny geezer then, innit?

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

Come on, Ron. Show willing.

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

You show me yours, first.

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

When we first thought of the idea for this show, we came to LWT.

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

Limp-Wrist Television!

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

And we went straight to the top man. 'Cause we don't bother with no underlings.

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

I do. I wear boxer shorts.

Chicken nuggets, goujons, dippers, strippers, legs, kievs, wings, thighs, drumsticks, breasts, skin... the possibilities are endless. And now... Chicken Heads!

V/O

Yes, deciding what to give them is always a problem, isn't it? But wait! Just when you thought we couldn't do anything else with a chicken, Fowl Foods bring you Chicken Heads. Keep your family a happy family with new Chicken Heads. Mmmm, they're munchy. Mmmm, they're crunchy. Mmmm, they're Chicken Heads, from Fowl Foods.

Where's Billy? Is he in the kitchen? No. Is he in the lounge? No. Is he in the bedroom shtupping Johnny's wife? Yes. Oh, yes. YES! YES! YES! OHHHHHHHHH, YES!

Johnny

Hello! It's me, Johnny. Remember? The one with the jolly jumper. I wonder where Billy is today. Is he in the kitchen, baking a cake?

[Cut to INT: KITCHEN. Johnny appears and shakes his head in time with tinkling piano music]

Is he in the lounge, making a model?

[Cut to INT: LOUNGE. Johnny appears and shakes his head in time with tinkling piano music]

No. Today, Billy's in the bedroom, making a baby.

If I remember rightly, this sketch itself proved somewhat controversial because it was feared that children might be encouraged to microwave their pets. Children who shouldn't have been watching...

Norman Pace

Uh, there's a lot of, uh... controversy at the moment about, uh... bad taste on television. But of all the things you can do on British TV; swearing, sex, violence... nothing causes more of an uproar, nothing causes more anger than being cruel to animals. Isn't that right, Gareth?

Gareth Hale

Yeah, that's absolutely right. Um... especially if you take a lovely, lovely furry little kitten like this and...

[He removes a sheet from a covered object on a table behind him to reveal a microwave]

Norman Pace

Seriously, though. We wouldn't, uh... we wouldn't do anything like that, would we, Gareth?

Gareth Hale

No. No, we wouldn't.

Norman Pace

I mean, we like to experiment with comedy but, uh... even we wouldn't microwave a cat live on national television.

Gareth Hale

We certainly wouldn't. So, here's one we did earlier.

The Antiques Roadshow. People bring along all sorts of sh*t to be valued. But I've never seen a woman turn up with a vibrator before. This would be a memorable episode!

Woman

I've brought this along for you to have a look at.

Expert

Oh, thank you.

[The EXPERT unwraps the package to reveal a simple white vibrator]

Woman

It's been in the family for years.

Expert

Yes, yes. Um, can I ask you where you got it from?

Woman

Yes, um... I found it in my grandad's tallboy.

Expert

I see. Well, as you can see, it's... it's beautifully tooled. It was made in... Taiwan by the Spanky Wa*ky Company. And, if I'm not mistaken, these normally... screw. Yes. And voilà. You can see the original batteries inside it there. Lovely. Well, this is worth its... its weight in gold. Have... have you got it insured?

Woman

No, goodness, no! No.

Expert

Well, I strongly recommend that you do. But up until time as you do, I'd say that you'd better keep it in a very private place.

With the current state of the NHS, being rapidly and remorselessly demolished by the Conservatives, it won't be long before nurses really are begging in the streets. Rishi Sunak... is a c*nt.

Woman

Spare a few pence, sir?

Gareth Hale

Jesus!

Woman

Please, sir? Just the price of a cup of tea. Oh please, mister. Have an 'eart, I've got kids to feed.

Gareth Hale

Yes, yes, yes.

[GARETH hands the woman some change]<

Bloody nurses!

You're all familiar with adverts like this. DFS, Oak Furniture Land... but what about Decree Nisi? That's where the real bargains are. Everything for free. House, car, kids, dignity...

Man

Fantastic bargains, incredible offers and everything, yes everything must go. This beautiful three-piece suite, this fantastic fitted kitchen, this superb hi-fi unit with matching cocktail cabinet and everything must go. Yes, everything must go... to my wife. Everything must go to my wife because she's divorcing me. And she's divorcing me because I talk like this all the time, really driving her around the twist. Incredible! And take a look at this... a matching pair of three-year-old children, hers whether I like it or not. So, come round to my house today for the super, once in a lifetime divorce sale. Yes, you can lose it all at Decree Nisi!

Imagine if patient confidentiality didn't exist. Imagine if your doctor was able to greet you like this... in a pub. And openly discuss how your little soldier no longer stands to attention...

Man

Uh, excuse me... don't I know you?

Terry Dutton

Sorry?

Man

It's Terry, isn't it? Terry Dutton.

Terry Dutton

Hello.

Man

Well I never, Terry Dutton. How are you?

Terry Dutton

Hello there, how are you?

Man

Fine and, uh... ooh, uh...

Terry Dutton

This is Cheryl. My fiancée.

Man

Cheryl. Charmed. I say! Terry Dutton getting married, eh? Who'd have ever have believed that? Don't expect too much tonight, darling.

Cheryl

I beg your pardon?

Terry Dutton

Excuse me?

Man

Well, it's only fair to warn the girl, isn't it? I mean, Terry does have his little problem.

Cheryl

Terry, what does he mean?

Terry Dutton

I don't know.

Man

I'll tell you what I mean, darling. You'll find out soon enough. Mind you, you could be the one to cure old Terry of his problem, y'know? You look as though you've been around a bit. You'll probably think of it as a bit of a challenge, eh?

Terry Dutton

Oh, is that the time? I think we should probably be going -

Man

NO! Wait a second, Terry. I'll just be a second. Bit like you really, eh?!

Terry Dutton

That's enough! Just leave us alone. Cheryl and I were hoping for a quiet night together.

Man

Oh, you'll have a quiet night, all right Cheryl. You know what I mean? Anyway, look... must push off. Lovely to see you again, Terry and, uh... keep your pecker up.

Cheryl

Where on earth do you know him from?

Terry Dutton

He's been the family doctor for years.

A man stands in an old library, listing the greats of English literature. But he does have an issue with all of them. I'll let him explain for himself.

Historian

Shakespeare, Dickens, T.S. Elliot, Kipling, Thackeray, George Bernard Shaw... undoubtedly an impressive display of English literature. And yet, the disappointing thing for me... none of them have got any tits in them.