12 MP3 Audio clips from Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Just what is the fascination Americans have for the way we Brits pronounce the word "scheduled?" Yes, it has a C in it, but it's silent. OKAY?!

Villager #1

You are going on tonight?

Thomas Renfield

Yes, I'm going to the castle.

Villagers

The castle!

Thomas Renfield

Yes, I'm scheduled to meet Count Dracula.

Villagers

Dracula!

Villager #2

Scheduled?

Clip 2

This villager has a strange (and slightly annoying) habit of grabbing her throat and making her voice wobble when she speaks.

Villager

Yes. They take the form of wolves or bats and puncture the throats of their victims with their teeth and drink their blood.

Clip 3

Thomas has been awoken by two scantily-clad and really very sexy vampires. He puts up a fight but, ultimately, his protests are wasted.

Thomas Renfield

Who are you people? I... I'll have you know that's my knee you're straddling! No, stop, stop it at once. Oh, ha, no, no, this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me? Wrong! This is... wrong me, wrong me! Wrong my brains out! Oh, it's...

Clip 4

Either the usher is irretrievably stupid or Count Dracula has messed up with his use of hypnosis. I'm going to opt for the latter, I think.

Usher

Hello, can I help you, sir?

Count Dracula

Yes, you may help me. Doctor Seward is in the next box. It is imperative that I meet with him alone. You will tell him there is a message for him in the lobby.

User

A message for Doctor Seward in the lobby.

Count Dracula

Good, now go.

Usher

Message in the lobby for Doctor Seward.

Count Dracula

And you will remember nothing of what I tell you.

[The USHER opens the curtains to DOCTOR SEWARD'S box, looks blankly at the occupants and then pulls them shut again, turning to look at COUNT DRACULA]

Usher

Hello, can I help you, sir?

Count Dracula

Can I help you, sir? What is the matter with you? Why did you not tell him?

Usher

About what?

Count Dracula

About the message.

Usher

For whom?

Count Dracula

Never mind, I will tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip.

Usher

No tip?

Count Dracula

Oh, that you remember.

Clip 5

A conniption fit is the old-fashioned phrase for being hysterical. And I'm not sure how an enema would cure poor McManus. But then, I'm not a 19th century doctor.

Martin

Doctor Seward?

Doctor Seward

Yes?

Martin

Mr. Renfield is here.

Doctor Seward

Oh, good. Send him up, Martin.

Martin

Oh, McManus... the patient in the west wing?

Doctor Seward

Yes?

Martin

He's havin' a conniption fit.

Doctor Seward

Oh. Give him an enema.

Martin

An enema?

Doctor Seward

Yes. It'll give him a feeling of accomplishment.

Martin

Yes, sir.

Clip 6

Never let it be said that Professor Van Helsing doesn't have a sense of humour. His favourite game is to see how many medical students he can make faint during their first autopsy.

Professor Van Helsing

Gentlemen, you are about to observe your first autopsy. It is not unusual for some members of the freshman class to feel a bit faint during this procedure. So this is where we begin to separate our future physicians from those who just wanna play doctor. Now, first things first. We uncover the corpse.

[The first medical student falls to the floor]

We make an incision from the groin, to the upper chest cavity.

[Another two medical students fall to the floor]

There. Now, as I open the abdominal wall, you will observe that the organs have gone from a nice, healthy pink to a disgusting green.

[More students faint and succumb to gravity]

We must check the intestines for pathological clues. So. Here, pass it along. Don't worry, there's plenty to go around.

[All but one student still standing now join their colleagues on the floor]

Clip 7

Professor Van Helsing is being given a message by his faithful nurse. He's needed by Doctor Seward. It's an e-meeerge-en-cy!

Nurse

Well, I have a message for you from Doctor Seward.

Professor Van Helsing

A message from Doctor Seward? What does he say?

Nurse

He wants you to come to Whitby immediately. It's an emergency.

Professor Van Helsing

An emergency?

Nurse

Mm-hmm. Yes, sir. An emergency.

Clip 8

This is just silly. But very, very funny.

Professor Van Helsing

And if she dies a victim of this unspeakable creature, she will become one herself.

Doctor Seward / Jonathan

What?

Professor Van Helsing

She will become one herself.

Clip 9

A classic line. Gynaecologist. Hand in. Get it? Hand... in? Because a gynaecologist...

Doctor Seward

Oh, Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases, as well as theology and philosophy.

Professor Van Helsing

And gynaecology.

Doctor Seward

Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.

Clip 10

Professor Van Helsing might sound confused but he's actually very certain. It's yes. Or no. But he's leaning towards yes.

Jonathan

Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?

Professor Van Helsing

Yes! And no.

Jonathan

Then what are you saying?

Professor Van Helsing

I'm saying no, but I'm leaning towards yes.

Doctor Seward

Then you're saying yes.

Professor Van Helsing

No.

Doctor Seward

Then it's no.

Professor Van Helsing

Not necessarily.

Jonathan

You sound dubious.

Professor Van Helsing

No, I'm positive.

Jonathan

Of what?

Professor Van Helsing

My theory!

Jonathan

And that would be?

Professor Van Helsing

The theory of yes, or no.

Clip 11

For the record, despite how Hollywood would depict us, British men are not sexually repressed. We're not all like Hugh Grant. Actually, probably not a great example, that one.

Lucy

Jonathan, let me kiss you. Let me show you the deep, raw passion of unbridled sexual frenzy.

Jonathan

Uh, but, Lucy, I'm British.

Lucy

But so are these!

Jonathan

Lucy!

Clip 12

Driving a stake through a vampire's heart is the only true way to kill it. Apparently. And it has to be a stake... not a steak. That wouldn't work. Unless it was a Tomahawk, I guess.

Professor Van Helsing

Now place the point of the stake directly over her heart.

Jonathan

Right.

Professor Van Helsing

And hit as hard as you can. WAIT!

[PROFESSOR HELSING runs for cover]

NOW!

[A veritable geyser of blood erupts from LUCY'S body]

Jonathan

Oh... my... God! There's so much blood!