27 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Friday Night Dinner (2011)

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Martin has so many catchphrases and this is one of his favourites. He says it about every meal Jackie cooks. It never gets boring. Apparently.

Martin

You know what, Jackie?

Jackie

What?

Martin

This is a lovely bit of squirrel!

[Laughs far too much, for far too long]

Jonny has a girlfriend. But nobody has ever met her. Or seen her. Or spoken to her. Which begs the question... does she exist?

Jackie

Is Alison a good cook?

Jonny

Alison?

Adam

You know... your pretend girlfriend?

Jonny

Ha ha! Um, I dunno, really.

Jackie

What do you mean you don't know?

Adam

He doesn't know because she doesn't exist.

Jonny

Just because I've got a girlfriend!

Adam

Who has another boyfriend...

Jonny

Simon is not her boyfriend!

Adam

Oh, no, sorry. He's just a guy who sleeps on top of her.

[JACKIE laughs]

You have to wonder just how much Martin can hear. And how much he can comprehend. I mean, his youngest son has just accused his own mother of being a paedophile!

Jonny

Mum, don't you think Adam should ask Tanya Green out for a date?

Adam

Oh, very good.

Jonny

She's meant to be a lovely girl. Sorry... female.

Jackie

She is a lovely girl. Oh, she was a beautiful baby.

Adam

You want me to go out with a baby?

Jackie

Oh, don't be so stupid.

Adam

No, it would be lovely, actually. A nice romantic date, all arranged by my Mum, the paedophile.

Martin

Who's a paedophile?

Adam

Mum is.

Martin

Oh.

A running theme in this show is the phone-related japery Jonny inflicts on Adam. And this is no exception. Another Jonny classic.

[The phone starts to ring]

Jackie

Oh, can you get it? It'll be Val again.

Adam

Hi, Aunty Val.

Jonny

Oh, hello, Pusface. Got ya!

Adam

C*ckhead.

Martin and Adam are wrestling a sofa-bed down the stairs. The thing has landed on Martin's foot. And that's what leads to this tirade of filth!

Martin

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Adam

What?

Martin

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Adam

Are you all right?

Martin

Oh, sh*t on it! Sh*t on the bloody thing!

Adam

Sorry.

Martin

Oh, sh*t on it, sh*t on it!

Chris Parker has popped around to collect a sofa-bed. And he's just received some bad news. Terrible news. Sadly, Martin's hearing aid is on the blink again and he gets totally the wrong end of the stick.

Jackie

You all right?

Chris Parker

Um... I think I need to sit down.

Martin

What's the matter?

Chris Parker

My... my dad. My dad's just... died.

Jackie

Oh, my God! Oh, I'm so sorry!

Adam

Yeah, sorry.

Martin

How awful. What sort of dog was it?

Martin's catch-phrases can rub off on other characters. When the sofa-bed falls through the bannister, Jackie has only this to say...

Jackie

Sh*t on it!

Adam has written a jingle for a radio advertisement and the family are very excited about it's imminent premiere.

Jackie

Martin? Martin! Adam's jingle's on tonight. We mustn't forget to listen.

Adam

Oh, and, uh... tell Alison to listen, too.

Jonny

Okay.

Adam

Although, um... won't she find it difficult with Simon's balls in her ear?

Jonny

Ha ha!

Adam and Jonny are having a belching contest, claiming responsibility for each other's burps.

[ADAM belches loudly]

Jackie

Oh, please. I hate that.

Jonny

Sorry, Mum.

[JONNY belches loudly]

Jackie

Just bloody stop it!

Adam

Sorry, Mum.

Martin has taken Adam into the downstairs toilet. Why? Well, Adam fears that there's something wrong with his father's penis and that he's about to be shown. He's wrong.

Martin

So, um, Adam?

Adam

Yes?

Martin

Any...

Adam

Sorry?

Martin

You know, any...

Adam

Oh, Dad, not this, not...

Martin

Females?

Adam

Females? Do you have to call them females? You're not a policeman.

Martin

Okay, birds.

Adam

Birds?

Martin

All right, chicks.

Adam

Chicks? Oh, hello, Elvis!

Martin

So, no females then?

Adam

No, no females! No girlfriend at the moment. No females. Can I go now?

Martin

No.

Adam

I'm going now!

Jonny

Nice family p*ss?

Martin

Go away, Jonny!

Jonny

Did he show you his...

Adam

No, it's not about that.

Jonny

Oh.

Adam has been forced into browsing a dating website in search of a "female." It's not going too well, to be honest.

Adam

"I love life." Why do they always say "I love life"?

Martin

Well, what do you want them to say, "I hate death"?

Adam

Or this one. "Bubbly personality." We all know what that means, don't we? Yep, "I am part whale."

Without context, this sounds decidedly creep. In fact, even with context, this still sounds decidedly creepy. I mean... who says this to his own father?

Adam

Dad?

Martin

What?

Adam

Show us your c*ck.

Jonny has managed to get his grandmother's hair trapped in his car window. I know... I don't know how he did it, either.

Jackie

Oh, are you okay, Mum?

Jonny

Sorry, Grandma, sorry.

Adam

You're such a d*ckhead!

Jonny

Shut up!

Nelly

How's my hair?

Jackie

It's fine, Mum, it's fine. Come on. How did you manage to get her hair stuck in the window like that?

Adam

Because he's a d*ckhead, that's how.

Jonny

She must have leant in when I pressed the button or something.

Jackie

You know something?

Jonny

What?

Jackie

You are a d*ckhead!

Jackie's just had her hair done. Coloured a nice auburn shade. Not that her mother appreciates it.

Nelly

Let me have a look at my hair.

Jackie

Oh, your hair looks lovely, it's a lovely colour. Isn't it a lovely colour, boys?

Adam

Yeah, lovely.

Jonny

Yeah.

Nelly

Thank you. You should get yours done, too.

Jackie

I've just had mine done.

Nelly

Have you?

Jackie

Yes, Mum!

Nelly

Did you do it over the bath?

Adam

Brilliant!

Jackie

No, I did not do it over the bath. Someone did it for me.

Nelly

Really?

Jackie

Yes!

Nelly

A professional?

Jackie

Yes, a professional.

Nelly

Someone you paid?

Jackie

Oh, Mum, enough now.

Jackie has bought new curtains for the living room. She thinks they're cream. Everyone else thinks they're yellow. P*ss yellow, to be precise.

Jackie

Mum, do you like the curtains?

Nelly

Not really.

Jackie

What do you mean, "not really"?

Nelly

It's the wrong colour.

Jackie

Wrong colour?

Nelly

Yellow.

Jackie

They're not yellow, they're cream.

Nelly

They're yellow.

Jackie

Tell her boys, what colour are the curtains?

Adam

Um, they're sort of yellow.

Jonny

Yeah, p*ss yellow?

Jackie

Charming. Martin, tell my mother. What colour are the curtains?

Martin

They're yellow.

Nelly

I know!

Jackie

They're not yellow, we've had this argument and we both agreed, remember? They're cream!

Martin

Yes, I forgot. They're cream.

Martin is a clumsy oaf. The casserole that Jackie has spent all day lovingly preparing... is now all over the kitchen floor. Sh*t! Sh*t on it!

[MARTIN has just dropped a casserole on the kitchen floor]

Martin

Sh*t! Sh*t on it!

Alison... Jonny's imaginary girlfriend couldn't make it to dinner. Possibly because she's getting porked blue by Simon, her "friend."

Jackie

So are you going to tell me why she couldn't come tonight?

Jonny

What? Oh, she's very tired.

Jackie

She's tired...

Adam

Who's tired?

Jackie

Alison.

Adam

Oh, your pretend girlfriend.

Jonny

No, she really wanted to meet you and everything. She's just a bit exhausted at the moment, so...

Adam

Well, three times a night with Simon...

Jonny

That's really funny.

It's amazing how, on occasions, the parent / child relationship is reversed. Take this for example, where Adam has become the family peacekeeper.

Adam

Grandma?

Nelly

What?

Adam

Can you just apologise to Mum?

Nelly

What?

Adam

Just say sorry to Mum.

Nelly

You want me to say sorry to your mother?

Adam

Yes.

Jackie

Don't be silly, Adam. She won't do it.

Nelly

I'm sorry, Jackie.

Jackie

My God.

Adam

Thank you. Mum, say sorry to Grandma.

Jackie

Sorry, Mum.

Adam

P*ssface, say sorry to Mum.

Jonny

Sorry, Mum.

Adam

Mum, say sorry to P*ssface.

Jackie

Sorry, P*ssface.

Adam

And Dad?

Martin

Mmm?

Adam

Apologise to Mum.

Martin

For what?

Adam

I don't know.

Jackie

Just say sorry, Martin.

Martin

Sorry.

Boring Neil and Ugly Karen. I wonder whether that's what they put on their wedding invitations? Did they also mention the fact that Karen has a face like a foot? Hmm? No. Probably not.

Jackie

So, excited?

Adam

About what?

Jackie

The wedding, silly.

Adam

What wedding?

Jackie

The wedding!

Jonny

What wedding?

Jackie

I can't believe you two! Neil's wedding.

Jonny

Neil...?

Adam

Oh, you mean boring Neil?

Jackie

He's not boring.

Adam

And ugly Karen.

Jackie

Karen's not ugly!

Adam

Mum, she's got a face like a foot.

Jackie

Stop it!

Jonny

She does, she definitely has a foot face.

Jackie

Well, maybe her face does look a bit like a foot, but she's a lovely girl.

Jonny

For a foot.

Adam

I now pronounce you man and foot.

Jonny

You may kiss the foot.

Alison... Jonny's imaginary, invisible girlfriend strikes again. She can't come to the wedding of Boring Neil and Ugly Karen. What a surprise!

Val

I hear the famous Alison's coming on Sunday.

Adam

Famous for being invisible.

Jonny

Mum, when are we going to have our crumble?

Adam

Changing the subject!

Jonny

Er... actually Aunty Val, I've got to be honest. She, um... she...

Adam

Can't come?

Jonny

She...

Adam

Can't come.

Jonny

Shut up! She...

Adam

Can't come?

Jonny

She...

Adam

Can't come?

Jonny

Can't come.

Adam

Oh, what a surprise!

Jackie

What do you mean she can't come?

Martin

I'm going outside now, boys.

Jackie

Yeah, very good, Martin... what do you mean she can't come?

Jonny

Alison can't come.

Adam

Alison can't orgasm?

Jonny

Ha-ha!

Jackie

Adam!

Martin

Who's had an orgasm?

Adam

Alison.

Martin

Hmm.

Wilson has gone missing. Jim is worried. Jackie is sure the dog will turn up. Jim is worried that someone has raped him. Yes, that's what he actually thinks might have happened.

Jackie

And no-one else has seen him?

Jim

No-one! I've been looking everywhere for him. I... I even looked in your bins.

Jackie

Did you? Right.

Jim

I'm very worried, Jackie. Very worried!

Jackie

I'm sure he'll turn up, Jim.

Jim

But what if someone's raped him?

Jackie

Um... he is a dog.

Jim

Well, exactly.

Grandmothers. So lovely, so loving, so gullible.

Adam

Grandma, remember what you were going to say to Adam?

Nelly

What?

Adam

Remember that thing?

Jonny

What thing?

[ADAM whispers into his GRANDMA'S ear]

Oh, yes! Happy birthday, Pusface.

Sheila Bloom. Otherwise known as "B**ch Face" has a Mercedes. And she mentions it at the drop of a hat. Which Adam and Jonny find irresistibly funny.

Jackie

And uh, er... your mother. I forgot to ask, she was, er... she was quite unwell.

Sheila Bloom

Yes, well, she, um... she passed away, about six weeks ago.

Jackie

Oh, I am sorry. Oh, I had no idea!

Adam

Yeah, sorry.

Sheila Bloom

It was terrible! She had been quite ill.

Jackie

Very sad!

Sheila Bloom

We thought she was getting better and then she suddenly just went downhill. Eddie rushed her to the hospital in the, you know, Mercedes, and even though he's a fast driver and the Mercedes is a fast car, a very fast car, well, he just couldn't get her in there in time and well she just... she just died!

Jackie

That's awful!

Sheila Bloom

In the Mercedes.

[ADAM and JONNY begin to snigger]

Martin

Sorry, I missed that, where was it her mother died?

Sheila Bloom

In the Mercedes.

[ADAM and JONNY start laughing uncontrollably]

The problem with dating someone you grew up with is that parents tend to have embarrassing photographs. Bath photos, naked on a rug photos... it's a source of constant fear and misery.

Tanya

You know that Mum said last time me and Adam were together we were both in our nappies.

Jackie

Ahh.

Jonny

And he's wearing them tonight.

Adam

Very good.

Jackie

Actually, I think the last time you were together was probably when you were in the bath.

Adam

Mum!

Jackie

What? Oh, you two were so sweet back then, like two little buttons!

Adam

Please!

A photograph of Adam as a toddler, naked in the bath. Just the sort of thing he wants his potential girlfriend to see.

Adam

Me in the bath. Good. Excellent.

Tanya

Why are you standing up?

Jackie

He was always standing in the bath - such an exhibitionist.

Adam

Okay, does Tanya really have to see my... you know...

Jonny

Little button?

Adam is not at all pleased with his mother's attempt at match-making. Especially since she's already embarrassed him by showing Tanya a photograph of him naked in the bath.

Adam

So, what... you... you just phoned her up and asked her round, just like, all on her own?

Jackie

Yes, what's wrong with that?

Adam

What and you just... you just happened to have her number?

Jackie

Yes, her mobile. Val gave it to me. Oh, isn't she a lovely girl?

Adam

Can you please stop saying what a lovely girl she is?

Jackie

She is a lovely girl.

Adam

You really don't know how embarrassing this is!

Jonny

We do.

Jackie

Shut up, Jonny!

Adam

Seriously, Mum. I'm going home.

Jackie

I'm telling you now, you are not going anywhere. You have a bloody guest in there and you are going to bloody talk to her. Now, grow up!

Adam

Grow up? She just saw my c*ck! My little baby co...

[ADAM realises that TANYA is standing listening to the conversation]

Now it's Jonny's turn to take the p*ss out of Pusface. He's not doing well here. Tanya must think he's a freak of epic proportions.

Jackie

Oh, Adam, get the milk, would you? I've left it inside.

Adam

Sorry, I'm really not getting up again.

Jonny

I'll go. It's his arthritis.

Adam

Ha-ha!

Jonny

Of the balls.

Jackie

Jon-ny!