Based on the 1997 Loomis Fargo robbery, Zach Galifianakis stars as David Ghantt, a guard operating armoured cars. Besotted with his colleague, Kelly Campbell (Kristen Wiig), he's duped into performing a robbery which nets the real mastermind, Steve Chambers (Owen Wilson) a cool $17.3 million.
Based on the 1997 Loomis Fargo robbery, Zach Galifianakis stars as David Ghantt, a guard operating armoured cars. Besotted with his colleague, Kelly Campbell (Kristen Wiig), he's duped into performing a robbery which nets the real mastermind, Steve Chambers (Owen Wilson) a cool $17.3 million.
For the record, the only places in which you should keep a firearm are a holster, a gun safe or an armoury. You should NEVER put a gun in your waistband. Isn't that right, David?
[DAVID is out on the range with KELLY and he's a terrible shot]
David Ghantt
You know, put a cap in there.
[In putting his weapon down the back of his shorts, he suffers a negligent discharge]
Aargh!
Kelly Campbell
Oh! Oh! David!
David Ghantt
Oh, that burns!
Kelly Campbell
Oh, my gosh, David! Let me see!
David Ghantt
Ow, Kelly!
Kelly Campbell
Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!
David Ghantt
Ow! Get it out!
Kelly Campbell
Okay.
David Ghantt
Oh, God, Kelly!
Kelly Campbell
You're good. You're alright.
David Ghantt
Okay.
Kelly Campbell
You're okay. But, man, you nearly shot yourself a new butthole. Yeah, went straight down the crack.
David Ghantt
Yeah, it feels like it just grazed my biscuit trough there, right betwixt them. Yeah, doesn't hurt that bad.
Kelly Campbell
No, I think you're... you're okay. I mean, you got a nice big hole in your shorts.
David Ghantt
Yeah, yeah.
Kelly Campbell
It's just a skin burn. You're alright.
David Ghantt
Yeah.
Clip 2
Photo shoots can be romantic. They can make memories that last a lifetime. Or they can be a complete sh*t show. Literally, in this case.
[DAVID and JANDICE are having some romantic photographs taken of them to celebrate their engagement. JANDICE is sitting on DAVID when she farts]
David Ghantt
Good lord, Jandice!
Jandice
I've been saving that for you.
David Ghantt
You farted right into my butthole. It's like a fart transplant.
Clip 3
So, how did David and Jandice meet? Because, like their photographer, I'm a sucker for romantic stories. Except... this one really isn't very romantic at all.
Photographer
So how'd y'all meet? I'm a sucker for courtship stories.
Jandice
Well, if you must know, a couple years back I was at a Youth Praise concert at church, and I saw the most handsome man that I had ever seen in the world. He was looking right at me. We went on a date, and then we fell very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love. And then he died. Snakebite. At his funeral, I was very, very distraught. I couldn't keep myself together. And I saw this... other man, a distant cousin of the deceased. He was a pallbearer and he was kinda struggling to hold up his end of the casket.
David Ghantt
I had a hard time lifting it up.
Jandice
In any case, we got to talking afterwards. And I thought, "Well, that one's dead. This one's alive. I'll take the live one."
Clip 4
If you're going to use a Disney analogy, it's best to be familiar with the characters you're going to be drawing on. For the record, Stromboli was the puppeteer.
Kelly Campbell
David, I wanted to explain to you why I called you.
David Ghantt
Okay.
Kelly Campbell
There's a gentleman in the booth behind me... oh, no, don't look. Don't look. Don't look. This gentleman is a friend of mine and he has an idea he'd like to share with you.
David Ghantt
Can he hear me right now?
Steve Chambers
I hear you. I hear everything, David.
David Ghantt
Okay. Wh... what should I call you, sir?
Steve Chambers
Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name. You can refer to me as Geppetto.
David Ghantt
Geppetto?
Steve Chambers
Yeah, Geppetto. As in Pinocchio. As in I pull the strings.
David Ghantt
I think he means Stromboli.
Steve Chambers
What'd you call me?
David Ghantt
Nothing. I just think you mean Stromboli. Geppetto was just a wood carver. Stromboli was the puppeteer.
Clip 5
"Cleaner than a nun's undies." I'll have to remember that one. It's not the only nun-based analogy I know of. I mean, if something's tight... no. I'll leave it there, I think.
Steve Chambers
So, Miss Campbell tells me y'all worked together over at Loomis. Said you were one of their best employees, just a straight arrow. Clean as a nun's undies.
Clip 6
The plan is coming together. Kelly has an exit strategy for David... for both of them. It involves Mexico and Rio. Neither of which David is at all familiar with.
Kelly Campbell
Think about it. Two lovers on the lam in Mexico. Bonnie and Clyde. You know, we could pop on over to Brazil. Have you ever... have you ever been to Rio?
David Ghantt
I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.
Kelly Campbell
Oh, it's a... it's a real magical place.
David Ghantt
Yeah, all those planes landing and taking off and such.
Kelly Campbell
No, Rio.
David Ghantt
Oh, Rio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Clip 7
Kelly isn't very good at talking dirty. I mean, she's trying but it's just coming across as weird if I'm honest. Washing her pantyhouse... with her mouth?. Dear God, no.
Kelly Campbell
Okay, well, I gotta run. I gotta go... wash my pantyhose with my mouth.
David Ghantt
Do what?
Kelly Campbell
'Bye, David.
Clip 8
It's good to laugh at your partner's jokes. But you can go too far. Laugh too loud and too hard and it just comes across as sarcastic.
Jandice's Mother
There he is. The man of your dreams.
Jandice
He'll live here with us forever. It's like you're marrying both of us, David. Me AND Mama.
Jandice's Mother
David, have you given much thought to what you'll be doing for your honeymoon?
David Ghantt
Yeah, I got a few plans. Yeah, I do.
Jandice
I'll tell you what he won't be doing if he doesn't lose some weight.
[DAVID laughs maniacally]
David Ghantt
That's a good Goo Goo Cluster.
Clip 9
Jandice is a store assistant. Kelly Campbell is trying on underwear and she's left a thong hanging over the changing room door.
Jandice
How we doing in there?
Kelly Campbell
Oh. I'm good. Thank you.
[JANDICE sees a thong which KELLY has left hanging over the changing room door]
Jandice
Well, look at this. That wouldn't even begin to cover mine. You know, something I learned about thongs the real hard way, this little string can be kinda like a freight train transporting bacteria from your who-now down to your what-now. All aboard. Next stop, Yeast Infection City.
Kelly Campbell
I don't want to get off there.
Clip 10
Breathing through your nose isn't easy when you have a "booger whistle" but when the FBI has instructed you to do so, you just have to get on with it.
Male FBI Agent
Mr. Jeffcoat. If you could breathe through your nose and not your mouth, it'd be great for the recording.
Doug Jeffcoat
Yeah, I could do that.
Michelle Chambers
Hi! Look. It's the Jeffcoats. Welcome.
Steve Chambers
How you doing, boss?
Doug Jeffcoat
Steve.
Steve Chambers
You doing Okay?
Doug Jeffcoat
Yes.
Female FBI Agent
What...? What is wrong with him? Why does he sound like that?